Sunday, 21 November 2010

Doctor's Orders.

Hello again...and sorry I vanished for a while. I've been feeling rather useless.

I am back, with my left leg encased in tight bandages from groin to foot and I am wearing a full length support stocking on top of that lot! I have had painful phlebitis in my leg and had a foam scleropathy op at the hospital yesterday.

Sigh. It's at times like this that I wish I didn't have big wobbly thighs. The bandage and stocking are digging in tightly and will do for the next fortnight, until they're removed. My leg hurts...and painkillers only serve to make me feel groggy. My grumpy blog name suits me right now.

I haven't much to blog about really other than my own lack of desire to do this thing - to lose weight. Oh the wish to be smaller remains, but the will to make it happen seems to have vanished in a haze of indulgent comfort eating. I find myself making my way to the far corner of the supermarket where the fresh cream cakes are stacked in the cool cabinets. I have done that three days in a row. I have bought a two-pack of cakes, taken them home and eaten both with a big mug of tea. I won't lie. I enjoyed them immensely. They've been wonderful.

Doctor's orders are that I have to walk daily after this operation, to get the circulation going I suppose, so that the blood by-passes the foam-blocked, useless veins, and my other veins, compensating for their loss continue to 'pump' efficiently..or whatever the medical term is for the valve actions we have which are responsible for good blood flow.

Hah. My two daily walks have taken me to the supermarket where I have stocked up on crap-but-good-tasting-food. Foods full of fat and sugar. How stupid am I????

It's like I have an urge to eat the crap - in an "I just don't care" kind of way. I may not have been losing weight at a fast rate, but I wasn't gaining because for the most part I had gone without indulgences. I'd been eating sensibly....lazing about too much, but eating nutritious foods mainly and in reasonable quantities.

Why do we do this? Why do we sabotage ourselves in a sort of "I don't care how fat I am!"mindless way?

Do you have episodes  like this? My cakes are my indulgences, my comforts, my treats. I 'deserve' them I tell myself even though they'll add to my weight and rekindle my desires for sugary foods. Why don't I buy myself a book or a new lipstick? Why did I, like a woman possessed make a bee-line for the cake shelves?? Why?

I don't understand it. A moment on the lips...a lifetime on the hips...because yes, that gungy, gooey, wonderful, soft, creamy cakiness is only in my mouth for a short while. Afterwards I feel part guilt at succumbing, part arrogant defiance at whatever it is in me that tries to control these urges. I can't blame my hormones. Most of those vanished with the onset of the menopause when I was 42!

I hope this madness won't last. When I eat cakes regularly it's like all my good food intentions fly out of the window too. You know the thought processes. "Oh well. I have had cakes, I have derailed, I might as well enjoy it for a bit longer. What's in the fridge?"

Anyway, one good thing is, I have to walk daily and on several occasions if possible, so I'll be a fit fat woman. I have planned a pre-dinner walk in the countryside with my man tomorrow. Doctors orders. 'You must walk.' Thankfully I am not defying that instruction.

I just hope I can find the urge to get back on track. I feel I don't want to, that I am OK with giving up on myself. Right now if I had the chance to drown in a bath full of cream cakes I'd jump in :(

~ Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent. ~


  1. I am so sorry that your leg is giving you problems and I hope you get to feeling better soon. I am glad to see you back posting though. I also love to eat cakes, and my weakness is cheese cake. You can get back on track and will get back on track. Enjoy your walks and that is a good start to getting back on track..

  2. Keep on walking and getting better. I love creamy sweet foods very much. I appreciate your honest post. I believe we all have our moments. You will get back on track. It looks like you have been making steady progress. Sometimes I try and think of things I can do for comfort that do not involve food. I make lists. I hope your leg improves soon.

  3. Something that really helped me was a mental shift where I separated the health benefits of exercise from the weight loss process.

    I've blogged about it :

    I found it made me much less resistant to exercise - and then I've been able to address the resistance to losing weight on it's own.

    Another thing that helped me a lot last year when I had a LOT of life stress (infertility, cancer diagnosis) was having a list of things that I enjoyed & calmed me down to go to when I got stressed (and it also helped me appreciate what was good in my life).

    Hang in there - hope you are feeling better soon

  4. This isn't about sabotage, but about being an animal and getting comfort in the same way all animals do. All animals gorge when stressed if they have the capacity to do so. This is our default nature, so you start dealing with this by understanding that you're doing what your nature directs you to do.

    The next step is realizing that you can overcome your nature because you are an animal which is capable of higher reasoning. You did it when you stopped pooping in your diapers. You did it when you didn't jump the bones of the first man you were attracted to. You do it when people are rude to you and you don't lash out at them in retaliation. It takes practice, but you train yourself to do it.

    The next step is to divorce your thinking from the idea that volume of comfort food equals more comfort. When you eat a lot of something, you are deriving the value from the process of eating, not from the taste, texture or smell of the food. You train yourself to gain that comfort from much, much less, and eventually train yourself not to think of food as a source of comfort (again, acting against nature, but we humans do that).

    This is a long, hard road, and it is maddening and difficult, but one can condition oneself to not turn to food for comfort or to at least gain satisfaction from small morsels. Mindful eating helps a lot in this regard because it makes you attend to the experience of the food rather than simply cramming it in in great volume.

    The thing that doesn't help, in my experience, is focusing punitively on what you are doing to yourself or on the weight. Attend to the thought processes and the behaviors in a positive fashion, and after a lot of mental effort, it'll work itself out.

  5. I don't know why we do these things to ourselves. But we do. Sabotage; it is as if we are fearful of a positive outcome. Take good care of your leg.