Fifty, Fat and Grumpy

Not Trying Much, But Not Losing The Plot Either.

2010-12-21T12:08:00.001Z

I suspect that's the most some of us can hope for, and in it's own way, it's a good thing.

Many of the food/medical/slimming experts tell us that complete deprivation can lead to a diet (or weight loss programme) being ditched completely. I agree with that and always have.

However, we CAN re-train our taste buds (if I can, anyone can) so that things we used to love no longer tempt us like they used to, but I find it harder to abstain completely from foods which I find 'nice' and pleasurable to eat.

I also find it hard to opt out of social occasions which involve food. Part of me thinks it's sensible to tell myself that I don't have to give them up altogether. We get one life...and food and drink ...eating..is one of life's pleasures in my book. Sitting with people and sharing food and conversation is just not the same when they are tucking into a wonderful roast dinner and I go for a cracker, a small cube of cheese and some cherry tomatoes! I have to build such family food times/celebrations into my diet...and if I lose weight slowly because I do...so be it. I can live with that. I also have to learn about portion control....and I am doing that too.

Getting a balance is what it's all about I suspect. Even more than that, we have to train ourselves out of our piggish and greedy ways. We have become fat because we have eaten too much. We have to get a handle on that...for life. We aim to become the person with self-control. We have to learn to go without fast food, not to turn into the drive-in when we pass one, we have to learn to eat only when we are hungry and to stop ourselves nibbling and 'grazing' throughout the day. We can manage on less. It doesn't have to be too difficult or restrictive. New eating habits help us stay in control, even if the control isn't perfect.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. There is a middle way. Our biggest challenge is learning to alter our habits on a day to day basis - knowing that eating occasions can be enjoyed, without deprivation but without over-indulgence. It isn't about living on salads and 'slimming foods' for the rest of our lives, thankfully :) If I remind myself that there are no forbidden foods I tend to make sensible choices. It's only when foods are 'off-limits' that temptation rears it's ugly head and messes with my mind. So - no foods are off limits and I trust myself to eat sensibly.

Yesterday I had to see my Doctor. He was going to examine my lower legs, so for a change I thought I'd wear a skirt for easier access. I usually wear trousers or jeans. I dug one out of my wardrobe....one I hadn't worn for about two years.....but only because I don't choose to wear skirts much. It had been washed but not ironed. I ironed it and tried it on. To my surprise (this was a real shock!) the waistband was loose!

Gradually, my middle has become smaller. Not much, but it hasn't grown either.

I haven't been very good about exercising lately. Not good. The plot was lost there...

We've had snow and I have been housebound for some of the time. I have lazed about at home....decorating it for Christmas, tidying up, cleaning etc. I have also spent a lot of time on my computer, a lot of time in front of the TV (good films and comedies on around this time of year!) and lots of time reading. I am behind with my Christmas cards, and not one present has been wrapped yet. I am far too self-indulgent...BUT...I haven't been with food.

Oh, I have enjoyed sweet treats and puddings, but I haven't bought in any chocolates or biscuits for Christmas. I have bought nuts, savoury snacks and my favourite cheese straws (pastry and cheese...eeek...a wonderful combination, especially with a glass of good wine.) I intend to enjoy my food...BUT given at the back of my mind I still want the thin me to emerge, I know I'll undo all my good work if I go overboard. I am 'maintaining' by the looks of it! :)

For me, this is a time for all things in moderation. I shan't pig-out, that I know, but I shall have small amounts of things I enjoy eating and drinking. My weight isn't likely to go down, but hopefully it won't go up too much either..

I could say now that come the new year I'll earnestly cut back and it will be different...but that would be a hollow resolution.

Come the new year, I'll keep on working on those good habits and try to incorporate more exercise into my day. No other promises. Slowly, slowly...I'll leave behind the fat woman I am.

I could leave her behind temporarily if I go on a calorie reduced eating plan and start exercising like a whirling Dervish...I could be slim before my next birthday if I cut right back and became solely focused on myself....but...I am long in the tooth. I know myself. A plan like that would last two or three months at best....and then I'd feel a failure. That is not for me.

I believe in me. I want to be a smaller version of me, for health reasons mainly...and partly because I am vain. I don't like my midriff bulge, my chunky legs, my rounded face. I could look better. It matters. However, I am happy generally.

I hope you are too, wherever you are. We have to remind ourselves that we are more than a number on a scale.

If you have lost the plot..or have, like me, not been focusing much on the plot, why not join me in promising yourself that you won't stop believing - believing that you CAN do this...but you might have to take it slowly, and most of all, realistically?

Don't set yourself wild goals. Do promise yourself that you WILL look after your body...every day, without feeling deprived or on a course of action that you cannot maintain. It has to be workable, long term, and I suspect that's where many would-be dieters come unstuck.

We are OK. It isn't a race. We'll get there.

Christmas is Coming, The Goose is Getting Fat...

2010-12-10T14:59:00.002Z

"Please put a penny in the old man's hat." My Mum used to smile and repeat that rhyme when I was younger.

"If you haven't got a penny, a half-penny will do" (half penny, said "hape-nee" as it's prounounced here in the UK)

"If you haven't got a 'hape-nee,' God bless you!"

Hmm. Christmas IS coming. I can't afford a fat goose. The only fat thing around here is me:)

I won't be able to afford much this Christmas, but that is OK. I have come to terms with it and I'll determine to make the house warm and welcoming and hopefully create happy memories. Love is what Christmas is all about, after all.

I'll go and sing some carols at church - carol services are always packed - and I'll decorate the house and tree as usual. I'll play lots of Christmas music and listen to brass bands...We have snow in the UK at the moment and lights decorate many houses, so it's all beginning to look very festive. I feel a little out of the loop. All I can offer really is hospitality.

Fortunately, I am not fond of many edible Christmas goodies. Mince pies are OK but I eat very few, I don't like Christmas pudding much, or rich Christmas fruit cake. So, I haven't made any. I'll buy a small pudding from a local baker, who makes rich, nutty ones. That will be served after Christmas dinner. I do like thick brandy cream and Stollen though! I shall try to hold back. My man is cooking again this year, so he'll buy the turkey and take on board most of the expense - and hard work. I feel bad about that...my pride is hurt, but I'll hide it and do what I can. I want to be the provider, the hostess. This won't be my show - it will be his, but when all is said and done - does it matter? Nope. I must swallow my pride and learn to accept and take gracefully. That's what I have to do. He'll cook the vegetables. I'll buy and cook a small ham, and do all the trimmings. I'll decorate the table. My adult children will contribute too..buying Stollen, cheese, crackers, a chocolate log perhaps. I shan't over-eat on Christmas day. That bloated feeling is horrible. It's just another day after all - a special day, but not one for gorging on food. I hope I have a handle on that.

I am proud to say I haven't bought any sweets, liquers, chocolates, pastries etc, even though the shops are packed with them right now. I am not tempted by them, so it hasn't been that hard. Even if I wanted to I cannot afford the excess buying. For years, my parents house, and my own house, the house I shared with my ex husband etc, was always stocked well for Christmas. We used to laugh and buy 'Christmas Fayre' as well called it. We'd stock up week by week on food and drink goodies which we'd put away for the run up to Christmas. In many ways, it's hard not to be able to afford to do that now, but I have to convince myself that it's OK. My tummy and waistline will thank me for it.

Part of me feels sad that I can't go overboard, be the hostess with the mostess, indulge in excess, and part of me feels perhaps this is the way it SHOULD be. There is a case to be made for the immorality of over-indulgence on special occasions I guess, especially when so many people in the world are starving.

I shan't starve, I shall have a jolly, happy family time and for that I am grateful. I am rich in many ways, and I must remind myself of that, often. This year, my focus is not on food. I have felt a bit like the poor relation. However, is there is a silver lining in that cloud which is the shortage of funds? It's another learning curve for me, that's for sure even though it's been a hard one to take onboard. I have had to tighten my belt, and sometimes, that is a GOOD thing.

A blessing in disguise perhaps?

Food-wise, is the run-up to Christmas day easy for you?

Fat and Lazy?

2010-12-07T14:47:00.000Z

I deliberately put the question mark after lazy.

I suspect I am fat because I am lazy. There. That takes the heat off all those people who might have become indignant.

I can say that I don't make much effort. I give in too easily. No healthy eating regime stands a chance for long because it involves effort...and I can't be bothered to make that effort every single time I need to eat.

There are a group of overweight people who would have us believe that because of some profound damage done to them they have no choice but to eat and eat and eat..Alcoholics would say there is a need to drown their sorrows. Drug addicts would say there is a need to get high and forget reality. We all know we have to wean ourselves off the substance which soothes us. It involves effort and determination to do that.

I'd also say OK. Yes, I eat out of 1) boredom, 2) because I don't like my fat self much, 3) because I am greedy, 4) because I have no self-discipline, 5) because fast food tastes great and 6) because there have been times in my life which have had a damaging impact on me and caused me to be the way I am now. They all apply.

I know all about comfort eating, but to the suffocating feelings with food lobby I'd say - we do it, but we have a choice.

In simplest terms? Our choices are 1) to lose weight, or 2) to remain the same.

What's easier? Choice 2 of course. To continue sitting down, continue eating all before us....for whatever reason we do it. We don't want to stop the rot, or we cannot summon up the effort it takes to stop the rot. In allowing ourselves "Just one more slice of cake" we inwardly make a pact with ourselves to remain a fat person. We choose. We do it with every mouthful of food.

When people say "There, there. I understand why you are fat" they give the overweight a get-out clause. We even give ourselves that get-out clause. "My life is crap, I am mentally and emotionally fragile, I am fat and useless...so I'll eat. Hell, I might as well pig-out too." This allows us more time to continue eating cakes and feeling sorry for ourselves because the scale shows us that we weigh more today than we did yesterday.

Don't most of us, no matter what our past, choose the easy way? Yes we do.

It's harder to make a salad than it is to buy a bar of chocolate or a burger.
It's harder to find self-discipline than it is to say "Oh well, I'll do better next week".
It's harder to remain stead-fast and disciplined than it is to say "Well, I deserve that cake. A little bit won't matter much."
It's harder to promise ourselves "I'm going to do this!" than it is to remain in a nice comfy rut of our own making.
It's harder to walk round the block on a cold winter's night than it is to sit in the warm and watch TV.
It's harder to prepare and cook vegetables than it is to microwave a ready meal.
It's harder to determine to change than it is to remain the same.

By the way - I AM that person I'm describing above. I conclude that I am taking the easy way out by remaining the same. I know myself quite well. I'd rather be fat and lazy than disciplined, hard-working, determined and thinner. I am choosing not to put on my walking shoes, and choosing to stay in my comfort zone.

You too?

Lack Of Effort Or Giving Up?

2010-12-06T10:54:00.000Z

First of all - thanks to those people still interested in my progress, or lack of it.

I haven't posted for a week or so, for two reasons. I've been busy one way and another, and I haven't had much to report. Amazingly, I stood on the scale this morning after my shower and couldn't believe that I hadn't piled on all the weight I had lost. Today I weigh 203lbs. I have gained six pounds since my last weigh-in. Not too bad.

My trouble is I am just too....'lack-a-daisical' as my old Mum used to say. I am too laid back, too easy-going, too contented. I just don't want this enough. I don't seem able to make the sacrifices I have to in order to lose weight. It's not just about sacrifices though. It's about effort, and I'll hold my hands up. I haven't been making any!

What to do? Make an effort with Christmas approaching? (I can hear you scream "YES!")

I am partly kicking myself, because when I read about some of the struggles with food other bloggers have, I know I have it fairly easy. I tend not to binge eat. My sweet tooth tends to be for cakes...but not all cakes. I hate cakes with icing (frosting?) or fudge. Far too sweet. A bit of jam in a soft doughnut? Lovely. Fresh cream in an eclair? Mmmm. A flaky pastry apple turnover filled with whipped cream? Yes please. However, the craving I had for cakes has subsided. It's been sated. I walked to get the cakes, and I walked back home again, so I worked off a few of their calories! (I am laughing here at my trying to justify my cake-buying spree.) Cakes aren't tempting me any longer. Wine and savoury nibbles at night whilst watching TV has been my latest downfall...but one glass of wine and one small packet of something savoury isn't a major over-indulgence. I am doing silly things like having tortillas and sour cream with chilli con carne - as well as the rice. I am not pigging out. I am just not being careful, not cutting back, when I could. Nor am I exercising enough.

I cannot remember the last time I had a take-away from a fast food place. I really have forgotten when that was. They don't tempt me. Last night I nipped over to my daughter's house to drop off a birthday present for my neice who is living there temporarily. It was late when I left after a cuppa (with no biscuits or cake!) and a McDonalds with a drive-through had to be passed on the drive home. I momentarily thought "Oh a burger and fries...that would save me cooking." Did I stop? No.

Earlier in the day I was out shopping and again, felt peckish as I hadn't eaten for a while. As I walked back to my car with the shopping I could smell in the air the tempting aroma of fried chicken. A KFC was about 200 yards away. I got into the car and decided I'd call in and get chicken and fries. Now, I do love KFC...but again, I cannot remember when I last had it. However, once buckled up, I told myself "Hang on. You are broke. You cannot afford fast food. Go home and cook something. How stupid! You do not want to be paying out money for something greasy and not good for you!" And with that, I drove home. No pangs, no regrets.

OK, so when I got home I heated up a creamy chicken curry and had two chappatis with it. I also had one glass of wine later, and a small, individual packet of potato rings...

So - not good choices really. I am not eating much in the way of fruit and veg, and I am not being very good about cooking healthy meals either, as the boys tend not to be around at dinner time. (The girls in their lives hold more appeal than home-cooked food! Bad really, because I don't want them to go down the "I'm hungry - I'll grab a burger, kebab, fried chicken" route.)

Anyway. If I get my act together and try a bit harder, I could do this.

I guess that is true for a lot of us?
I just have to want it enough, and I don't seem to be able to work up a sense of urgency or need in myself. I don't like what I see in the mirror (from the shoulders down!).

Perhaps I need to invest in more full length mirrors?

How do you keep going? How do remain fired up to do this?

Cake Madness and Calorie Shame.

2010-11-27T02:27:00.005Z

When will I learn? I am kicking myself for not looking at the nutritional information on the back of a box of cakes.

Ye Gods! I am turning into a cake fiend. It's like I have to have a cake every single day, yet a while ago, I gave them no thought. I'd gone without them for a while and the fewer I had, the less I felt the need for them. (I mean - no one NEEDS cakes, do they?) I had tamed my sweet tooth or so I thought. It's amazing though how once you indulge, it's SO hard not to carry on indulging. I don't mean all in the same day....I am not a binge eater...I can stop, but I can also over-indulge day after day after day until 'bad' foods become a tasty comfort - something to look forward to, an indulgence, a treat. That's what I have been doing. I can 'allow' myself too many 'little treats' throughout the day, and boy, do those calories add up!

It's nothing to do with allowing foods I fancy into my diet and accounting for them. Oh no. This is "I want a cake and I am having a cake...so there!" I am defying my own willpower - deliberately and consciously damaging myself and thwarting all my efforts to lose weight....destroying all the good habits I'd incorporated into my eating, because my inner brat was not going to stop screaming! I gave in to that demanding inner child - knowingly, and I feel rather ashamed. I was joining the inner brat in looking forward to a cake-buying spree every day. And yes, I can also get my head around the fact that the brat is me. I WANT CAKES - l have to be honest with myself.

WHY do I want cakes, knowing they contain fat, sugar and not a lot else? No idea. Comfort eating, plain and simple. Just as a mother might stop a baby wailing and wanting by stuffing a dummy into it's mouth, I soothe myself with cakes.

Then, playing amateur psychologist, I ask my self WHY I need to soothe myself? What is creating this urge for cakes? I shan't say it's an uncontrollable urge, but it's an urge I am not fighting. I am bright enough to know that I can distract myself, busy myself with other things, or eat oatcakes, apricots, bananas instead of cakes, if I REALLY feel the urge to eat. I also know that these urges have absolutely nothing to do with hunger.

Why have I stopped fighting these impulses?

I just don't know.

Anyway - tonight I casually looked at the packet which contained two egg custard tarts...sweet pastry cases filled with a rich egg custard. Two individual little tarts. I bought TWO packs of two, because my intention was to share them with my man's relatives IF they popped round tonight. They didn't, so wey-hey - more cakes for MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I ate two at lunch time...with an interval of about 90 minutes between each. I had both with a big mug of tea. Then this evening when they called to say they didn't have time to pop in (lots of urgent things to do in the course of one day's visit, so understandable) I was quite delighted that there were two more small cakes for me to eat! I had one shortly after they phoned, and one for pudding after my evening meal. Four egg custard tarts in one day.

Casually I looked at the box they came in and lo and behold, each tart contained

240 calories.
5 grams of protein.
28.4 grams of carbohydrate, of which 13.4 grams were sugars.
11.5 grams of fat, of which 4.8grams were saturated.

Today I ate 960 calories in cakes alone. Oh blush.

20 grams of protein
113.6 grams of carbohydrate - 53.6 grams were sugars.
46 grams of fat - 19.3 grams were saturated.

Those soft, custardy cakes took only minutes to eat....

A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

Little pickers wear bigger knickers.

Fridge magnet philosophy, but well...quite appropriate.

Doesn't it make you feel bad when you tot up the totals of 'bad' foods?

*THINKS: Now, if I'd been aware at the outset that my cakes contained such 'badness' would I have binned them? Into the bin - or into me? I am not sure, but sadly, I am also not convinced that I'd have thrown them away :(

I wouldn't put sand into the petrol tank of my car, so why do I think it's OK to run my body on rubbish? It's strange, isn't it? I'd bet we've all been there.

I feel rather ashamed that I am treating myself so badly. I am not going to weigh myself right now. I don't need any more shame. I can't even promise I have seen the light and will eat sensibly for every day of my life from now on. I can't even promise that tomorrow I'll eat healthily.

I do know however that all sorts of emotions are coming into play. If you love yourself and value yourself, you don't treat your body like a dustbin or a land-fill site, as I have been doing lately, with carefree abandon.

However..a little shock to the system does no harm. Wake-up call. How much do I NEED cakes, now I am aware of those figures, above?

Onwards. It's my call, my body, my life. I need to think about what I am doing to myself. I hope perhaps that this post might encourage you to do the same?

Doctor's Orders.

2010-11-21T02:36:00.000Z

Hello again...and sorry I vanished for a while. I've been feeling rather useless.

I am back, with my left leg encased in tight bandages from groin to foot and I am wearing a full length support stocking on top of that lot! I have had painful phlebitis in my leg and had a foam scleropathy op at the hospital yesterday.

Sigh. It's at times like this that I wish I didn't have big wobbly thighs. The bandage and stocking are digging in tightly and will do for the next fortnight, until they're removed. My leg hurts...and painkillers only serve to make me feel groggy. My grumpy blog name suits me right now.

I haven't much to blog about really other than my own lack of desire to do this thing - to lose weight. Oh the wish to be smaller remains, but the will to make it happen seems to have vanished in a haze of indulgent comfort eating. I find myself making my way to the far corner of the supermarket where the fresh cream cakes are stacked in the cool cabinets. I have done that three days in a row. I have bought a two-pack of cakes, taken them home and eaten both with a big mug of tea. I won't lie. I enjoyed them immensely. They've been wonderful.

Doctor's orders are that I have to walk daily after this operation, to get the circulation going I suppose, so that the blood by-passes the foam-blocked, useless veins, and my other veins, compensating for their loss continue to 'pump' efficiently..or whatever the medical term is for the valve actions we have which are responsible for good blood flow.

Hah. My two daily walks have taken me to the supermarket where I have stocked up on crap-but-good-tasting-food. Foods full of fat and sugar. How stupid am I????

It's like I have an urge to eat the crap - in an "I just don't care" kind of way. I may not have been losing weight at a fast rate, but I wasn't gaining because for the most part I had gone without indulgences. I'd been eating sensibly....lazing about too much, but eating nutritious foods mainly and in reasonable quantities.

Why do we do this? Why do we sabotage ourselves in a sort of "I don't care how fat I am!"mindless way?

Do you have episodes like this? My cakes are my indulgences, my comforts, my treats. I 'deserve' them I tell myself even though they'll add to my weight and rekindle my desires for sugary foods. Why don't I buy myself a book or a new lipstick? Why did I, like a woman possessed make a bee-line for the cake shelves?? Why?

I don't understand it. A moment on the lips...a lifetime on the hips...because yes, that gungy, gooey, wonderful, soft, creamy cakiness is only in my mouth for a short while. Afterwards I feel part guilt at succumbing, part arrogant defiance at whatever it is in me that tries to control these urges. I can't blame my hormones. Most of those vanished with the onset of the menopause when I was 42!

I hope this madness won't last. When I eat cakes regularly it's like all my good food intentions fly out of the window too. You know the thought processes. "Oh well. I have had cakes, I have derailed, I might as well enjoy it for a bit longer. What's in the fridge?"

Anyway, one good thing is, I have to walk daily and on several occasions if possible, so I'll be a fit fat woman. I have planned a pre-dinner walk in the countryside with my man tomorrow. Doctors orders. 'You must walk.' Thankfully I am not defying that instruction.

I just hope I can find the urge to get back on track. I feel I don't want to, that I am OK with giving up on myself. Right now if I had the chance to drown in a bath full of cream cakes I'd jump in :(

~ Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent. ~

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

2010-11-12T10:44:00.001Z

Just a quickie from me, as I still have lots to do today, with visitors arriving this evening. I have to really force myself to get started on long overdue tasks (some of them around the house) but once I get going, I really get into it. That has always been my problem - getting started. I can procrastinate for England. I am an Olympic Gold Medal standard procrastinator, even though I know that eventually I have to get on with doing whatever it is I am putting off.

I wouldn't have cleaned my house as thoroughly if I weren't having visitors. I need that shove.

I could compare my lack of enthusiasm for really getting started to my efforts at losing weight I suppose. I have been dipping my toes in and out of the water, rather than jumping in, becoming submerged and enjoying the swim. I am on the edge, a safe place where I can easily go off plan if I feel like it, because I am not fully committed.

I tell myself the sooner I start in earnest to tackle this problem, the quicker the problem will go away.

I have to commit. Long term. Every day. That's the hard part.

I tell myself (once again!) that yes, I WILL do this. To be honest, I haven't been too bad. I am not a binge eater, but I have made some silly food choices - quite consciously. I am not practicing much restraint and I am eating more than I should. (between 1700-1900 cals.) I think I probably have to go down to 1300 calories per day to make a noticeable difference. I am maintaining wonderfully, but I don't want to maintain this obese frame!:)

Anyway, since I last registered my weight I have lost 5lbs. I am not getting too excited...it's been a few weeks since I jumped on the scale, so it's not as good as it sounds! I put weight loss down to more activity, including frenzied house-work over the last few days! :)

Right - back to the grind-stone. Things to do..carpets to vacuum. I'll do it to music to make it more enjoyable and I'll exaggerate my movements.

I hope you are into a weight-loss routine and commit to it every day. It sounds like a simple thing to do, but it isn't is it?

There are only two options regarding commitment. You're either in or out. There's no such thing as a life in-between. ~ Pat Riley

I am hoping practice will make perfect, coupled with commitment. It's time to jump in, and to keep going. Actions speak louder than words.

Having a sweaty work-out.

2010-11-10T16:04:00.002Z

Afternoon all. That title fooled you eh? Yes, it's me, believe it or not, the slug on Valium who resists exercise...working out. I lie actually. I am not working out in the true sense. I am just going mad doing some much needed house-work. It all counts! :)

I have my sister from Surrey and some mutual school-friends from London and Kent descending on me this weekend. I sort of dread having visitors...not because I am anti-social. (I am quite gregarious and chatty and like people generally.) It's just that having visitors, and people who stay for the weekend, means I have to clean the house properly, from top to bottom. Well, I don't have to, but me being me, I function better if my guests aren't silently thinking "This woman is a complete slut. Have you seen the state of her windows?"

I miss my ex MIL visiting. She was a nice lady, but quite nosy and she lived in a bit of a show-home. Her cleaning standards were bordering on OCD. She was the sort of person who'd whisk your mug away the minute you'd finished your tea, and you just knew she was itching to get a damp cloth and wipe the space where your cup had been. The minute you stood up...after a decent interval of... oooh..all about four seconds...she'd rush over and plump up the cushion where you'd been sitting on the sofa. You know the type. Uncomfortable with anything out of place.

Thankfully, I am nothing like her as far as my house-cleaning standards are concerned. I did ALWAYS and without fail clean my ovens before she visited though. Ghastly job, but her impending visit gave me the impetus to do such tedious things. Shame she doesn't call any more...the oven could do with a clean. Should I put a padlock on it do you think, in case friends get the urge to cook for me? ;-)

The ovens aren't on my list..but nearly everything else is. I wish I were more methodical and organised, but I can live with a bit of mess...I am a bit of a clean freak as far as loos and sinks, and work-tops are concerned, and I do like my domain to look nice, but I prefer comfort to immaculate show-homes.

So, I have taken a well-deserved break to write. I am having a cuppa. (I just couldn't exist without proper tea throughout the day...None of yer herbal muck and soddin' hot fruity water infusions masquerading as 'tea' for me! Oh no. I am a tea purist.)

I feel grim..hot, sweaty, manky, but I tell myself all the bending, stretching, pushing and pulling and stair climbing is good for me. It's amazing isn't it, that when you get the body moving, food doesn't seem very important? Two dry oatcakes (because I couldn't be bothered to slice tomatoes and onions or cheese) with my tea served as lunch. Not a good lunch, but I am not hungry. I had a decent brekky. This is win-win exercise and I fully recommend it. Not only do you get a full and long work-out, you get a clean house at the end of it too! Result!

If I haven't lost at least 35lbs today I'll be very disappointed! ;) If only, eh?

So, in the spirit of encouragement, I'll leave you by urging you to ensure you follow my excellent example.....(snort!) and exercise today!

Come on. Up you get! Yes you.

Ha ha. (I fell off my chair laughing as I typed that bit!)

Ooooh. Even more exercise - a sideways lunge, a stretch, forward roll to the floor and a sit-up in one swift movement! :)

Have a good 'un.

“My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance”

Ditching the Blog is Healthier?

2010-11-08T15:06:00.000Z

It can become a bit of an obsession, can't it? Focusing on the body I mean. I know when I focus on mine, in it's out of shape, lardy condition, I can bring myself down. I knacker my brain and my self-esteem with focusing on how big I've become and how slow my weight-loss progress is. Not good. I try not to, but in all honesty writing about fat me and how I deal with my eating problems/lifestyle problems is becoming a bit all-consuming. I'd be better off out walking somewhere (in the rain) than sitting here writing this.

Until fairly recently (OK, so sometime in the 1990s) I just got on with life, going about my business, never taking much notice of what I weighed. I didn't jump on the scale much at all. I have never been one of life's 'dieters' or weighers really - not because I was always slim and fit (far from it) but because I just wasn't preoccupied with me. I was busy and happy, successful at work, generally up-beat and content in myself, no matter what my size. It wasn't an issue really, even though I wasn't a particularly slim woman. What happened?

I realised I was gaining a considerable amount of weight, and it was at a bad time in my life, because my Mum had died. I was ill too with one condition/illness after another. I was inactive and fed up at the turns my life had taken.

I did nothing about it. I ate more, hated my shape more and the cycle continued...with hospital visits thrown into the mix. I didn't stop the rot, I just became fed up with the way I was living ad the shape I was becoming. However, if the frame of mind isn't right, there is no way you change your diet and lifestyle to fight the fatness. Mentally, you have to be 'in the zone' and I had no idea where my zone was.

And anyway, I hate being herded, made to conform...Fat? Get thin then. Huh! No way was I having that!

My brain was all over the place, trying to hold on to all I was, telling me to resist changing, yet at the same time agonising about my lifestyle and my shape. I am fat. I don't like being fat. But don't you dare tell me slim is the only way to be! Confused? I was.

I wallowed and drowned in a sea of fat self-hatred, but did nothing about it - almost rebelling against the diet and exercise philosophy so prevalent in the western world. This was my thinking. "Sod off! Leave me alone. I am me, like it or lump it. I am not buying into the slim and fit marketing scam. I like cakes too much. I realise the world is full of air-brushed and beautiful women - I'll never be one of them, I don't want to be either, I am a feminist don'tcha know, so go away you horrible jogging woman in skin-tight Lycra and let me eat and whine about life's unfairness es. I am not buying into it. Go on. Clear off! Leave me be, just as I am."

Laughing here. Too much resistance is just as destructive as a dieting obsession? :)

I am not sure, but if I analyse the way my mind worked, that was the tape I was playing for most of this decade. "I am not going to conform and become a diet bore. Not me. I am above that nonsense. Obsession with shape and size is for bimbos."

Resist, resist, resist.

Then, when I came out of that unhappy and muddled place and confronted my denial I decided that it would be best for me to draw up a plan for myself, so that I could be the healthiest version of me possible. I wanted to come out of the blinkered darkness and see the light. This was about my health really, not my looks. That's what I told myself.

And then - OMG - then I'd see a recent photograph of myself and be plunged into despair. My looks DID matter after all. I looked hideous in photos. I didn't look good, despite my self-conscious smiling for the camera. Where had my looks gone? Ageing is bad enough, but when every photo is one you want to rip to shreds, you know changes in either thinking or physique have to be considered.
Then the thinking went - "I've tried. This mountain is too big to climb. I can't do it. There are too many changes to make, and even one by one I am missing cakes. It's too hard. I am a mess. Unworthy. Useless."

Oh-oh. Warning signals. Despair. Depression.

The mental battles were affecting my well-being. This was my thinking once I started my campaign and the progress was slow and I reverted to my former idle lifestyle. "Remain fat. Resist the wisdom that tells you such a big body is an unhealthy body. I am fat. Let the world deal with it - and in the meantime I'll glower. How dare society cast me out for being a size 20/22? Huh! I am staying like this. Get over it world!"

See how the thought processes became completely f*cked up?

Then in gentler, more forgiving moments I'd tell myself - "Embrace the knowledge that you can change yourself and retain your integrity. You don't have to become a diet bore, a woman obsessed with what she looks like. Actively start to fight your resistance. Slowly. Gently. Start making healthier choices about the way you live. You deserve to treat yourself well, and remaining fat and unhappy isn't to do with a superior feminist code, it's more to do with a lack of belief in your ability to change things."

And that's where I am now. Trying to do this gently.

Doing it because I deserve to be healthy. I want to be healthy. It's good to be aware of the choices I have. I think that's a fairly healthy state of mind.

I won't lie to you. It's hard doing this every day, because I still invariably beat myself up when I have a 'bad' day.

All I know is - trying to lose weight seems to take over a large portion of the brain and consciousness. That disturbs me. However, I suppose it HAS to be that way, until a healthier way of life is established and becomes automatic?

I am wondering whether I should just get on and do it (or not do it) and leave the blogging behind? It seems to me that I can almost write myself down. It highlights my lack of progress. It allows me to zoom in on my short-comings. (I have many!) I'd zoom in on my successes too, and I do recognise all that is good about me, but my failure to lose weight steadily and regularly is all too clear, because I write about it - and may be focus on it too much?

Blogging helps me remain accountable, and I am slimmer now than when I started writing, but it also documents the struggle. Does my blog scream "Loser! No commitment!" to you? It often does to me. I am fired up, and then I'm not. I am enthusiastic about drawing up a plan, and then I'm not. I am going to do this - and then I fail to do it regularly, consistently...until I get fired up again. It's not good, is it?

Perhaps I am just being hard on myself - again, but I am not sure if my writing about my up and down days as I try to lose weight is helping me. If it's not helping me - how can it help you? What is the point of it?

I have a dilemma, however, my fingers get lots of exercise when I write. Every cloud has a silver lining eh? :)

Is blogging helping or hindering you?

The Art of Self Esteem.

2010-11-07T00:52:00.000Z

I was thinking the other day that I really ought to treat myself better. I ought to love myself more. If I did hold myself in high regard, I'd surely look after myself well and treat my body kindly and with respect.

Fat people tend not to do that. Their body becomes the 'punching bag' for all of life's ills, disappointments, regrets, heart-aches. We take it out on our digestive systems. We put too much food into our stomachs and have our bodies deal with it. We enjoy eating. It soothes us. We over-eat. The chances are that we make no big effort to exercise off our big meals or our plentiful snacks either. We slowly, slowly become plump, then rotund, then blobby, then obese...really fat. I don't think the term 'morbidly obese' existed when I was a child in the 60s. If it did it wasn't bandied around as it is today.

"When you love yourself, you invest in your personal growth and development. You endeavour to be the best that you can be, and you strive to achieve your potential."

Ha ha ha. I read that (above) in an article entitled "Love Yourself" or something similar. We have heard it or read it all before, right? Well, on the surface it makes perfect sense, but I suspect that even the slimmest, most gorgeous specimens of human beauty are wired to find fault with themselves in some way or another :) We can so easily bring ourselves down, can't we? I hold up my hands to being able to do that really well.

I could write a list now of all the things that make me a wonderful individual. It would be quite a long list too. You could do that as well. We all could.

So, if there is so much about us that is really good and worth hanging on to, why do (most) overweight people dislike themselves so much? I have to say now that I wrote recently about being too comfortable with myself and my lifestyle. I only become down and depressed about my shape when I consciously see that I am fat...Certain situations bring me down, photos of me are depressingly horrible and I am always aware when I am the fattest person in the room, because I scan the room and make comparisons. Awful, but I do. Some situations trigger self-loathing of the body, but I am contented and happy otherwise.

Now we all know that we live in an age where we are bombarded with images of human perfection. Most of the still images have been airbrushed and most of the animated ones have had thousands of pounds worth of beauty treatments lavished on them. They also have the benefits of having make-up artists and hairdressers following them around. They have life coaches and physical fitness coaches as part of their entourage. It's not a real world....very few people inhabit those realms, yet we suddenly have a new guage, a new level of gorgeousness that few of us can aspire to.

We tell ourselves this and we know it to be true, yet all of a sudden, to be overweight is an indication that we are couch potatoes, fairly worthless nonentities who stuff our faces full of food and slob about all day. We become invisible. We are overlooked for jobs...we just don't measure up.

Pah! No wonder our self esteem takes a beating.

Anyway....popular thinking tells us that when you love yourself you automatically take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. Do fat people do that? Not often. You take care to look and feel your best by nurturing your body, mind and spirit.

So....if fatties don't do that (and most of us don't take care of ourselves properly, do we?) then surely we have to start appreciating ourselves more and caring for ourselves every single day? It's crucial I'd say.

If we don't love ourselves enough, we are told to start taking care of our body and our mind and spirit. If our self esteem is low, we can raise it - right now. Today. In really, properly caring for ourselves we'll become more self-aware, and we'll hopefully generate feelings of self-worth and accomplishment when we do sort out our diet and exercise programme. The more you do, the more success you achieve, the better you feel about yourself in all areas. We only have to read the blogs of successful slimmers to see that their confidence has soared and that they can accomplish things they wouldn't have dreamed of attempting when they were overweight and full of self doubt.

I have a big glass of water by my keyboard. I have not had a good eating day today...but tomorrow doesn't have to follow the same pattern. Long term goals are no good for me, but on a daily basis I can keep myself motivated. One day at a time I will stick to my plan, and every day that I do faithfully eat well and make the effort to exercise, the more I'll begin to love myself more. I am banking on those small daily achievements boosting my self esteem. I have given up on myself for too long. I allow myself to fail. When I fail I continue to chip away at my own self-worth.

I don't want to grow any fatter, but I do want to grow lots of healthy self-esteem.

Do you love yourself enough? Have you decided you are worth the enormous effort it takes to do this, day after day after day? These are the days of our lives after all. We owe it to ourselves to make them good ones.

Doing It Long Term...Or Forever.

2010-11-02T20:51:00.003Z

The more I write and the more I try to 'diet' to shed the pounds, the more discontented I become. The writing bit is fine, but I am so conscious of writing about the way I CAN'T get into 'dieting' or long term healthy eating and living.

I keep slipping up, but I am so aware that I should be sending out glad tidings...and I'm not. Forgive me, because I am not sure if reading about my lack of progress or my angst is what blogging (in this sphere anyway) is all about :)

I did warn you I wouldn't be a particularly good role model or indeed a source of inspiration.

I know there has to be a plan which is faithfully applied if we want to lose weight. It's the faithful application of the plan which trips me up!

I know the theory and I have for a long time been buying healthy foods. My boys were on a low sugar, fat and high fibre diet since they were little...the sort of eating plan which we should all follow I suppose. It's one that wouldn't harm us if we used all the food groups and ate in moderation. A good healthy diet, with no calorie counting, no excluded food groups and an awareness of eating (mainly) only when we are hungry, allowing for the occasional food treat, coupled with lots of movement (not necessarily planned exercise sessions) used to keep me fit and reasonably trim. I didn't even think about what I was eating or the amount of time I was 'resting'. I just lived.

Life was however hectic and busy - and at times super-stressful and very worrying. It still has it's moments but on a daily basis I have reclaimed my peace of mind (because I no longer work and do all the things single working Mum has to do.) Some of the stress (not all) has vanished...to be replaced with a sort of stagnation.

This is the most overweight I have ever been...my 228lbs starting weight. Inside I am happy..content..OK.

In a way, Colette says it for me. "I believe there are more urgent and honourable occupations than the incomparable waste of time we call suffering."

I refuse on a daily basis to let my shape or my lifestyle make me miserable - and ironically, perhaps that's my problem! Being fat isn't - on my life scale anyway - worthy of too much suffering. (We all know what real suffering is when it visits us and affects our lives.)

You either spend time anxiously worrying about it, letting it cloud your day, or, if it's possible, do something about it - that tends to be my philosophy regarding most problems. Fatness as a problem can be overcome. (it's not easy or simple - it can be a complex set of problems that cause a person to become over-weight, I appreciate that, but in the great scheme of things, a fat person is capable of becoming a thinner person.) I can feel the odd pang of guilt, but for the most part, I forget I am fat, until I get one of those wake-up calls. My particular wake-up calls I list later. I tend to not want to worry about my weight, so I don't. Perhaps I should?

My life is OK, but I am aware that I really am not doing much with it. I socialise, I have a lovely man in my life, we get out and about often, and I still have to do housework (that never goes away!) but for the most part, I can idle my life away. I do a bit of voluntary work and I sit on a committee a couple of times a month, but if I want to have a lazy day, I do.

The trouble is - I am able to have LOTS of lazy days. There is no husband to come home at night expecting a meal on the table or a clean, shiny bright house. The boys are young men with lives of their own. Sometimes we eat together, sometimes we don't. They can help themselves if I am not around. I do work around the house in fits and starts - a bit here, a bit there and a complete purge when I am expecting visitors :) I am my own boss. It's a good job I don't have to produce an income, because as bosses go, I am a complete slacker! :)

So there we have it.

The root cause of my fatness is me and my lack of organising my day (into exercise sessions / healthy meal breaks /planning for eating out) and not wanting it - slimness - enough.

We all get the flashes of inspiration when we say we are going to change our lives and we'll work on 'me,' and we get fired up...but then many of us lose heart or just forget that every day has to be a day in which we 'diet' and do all that goes with it. But, if life is OK anyway, and thankfully, it is, doing the work on me has to be dedicated. I have to focus 100% - and I don't.

I lack that dedication to the cause, because on some days the cause (me) doesn't worry or trouble me. That has to be good - yes - in terms of mental health, but in terms of physical health it isn't, because my frame is lugging round five or six stones too many. I am permanently carrying the weight of a child on my back. (One stone equals 14lbs.) 14 x 5 = 70lbs. Or 84lbs if I want to be my optimum weight. At 142lbs I look positively svelte, so I don't need to get myself down into tiny clothes, nor do I see myself as becoming a very slim woman. I just want to rid myself of this excess weight.

See...when I write about it - like now - it makes perfect sense that I need to do this. I feel vaguely fired up again. :) Yay for blogging!

I am worth the effort of a healthy lifestyle, but can I be bothered make that effort, day after day after day? Week after week after week, month after month after month...and OMG..then we are into YEARS. It all seems too much, yet I know we have to do this one day at a time. And we have to do it for ...FOREVER. Gulp.

I get periods of self-loathing - my wake-up calls - caused only by :-

1) Seeing photos of me

2) Special events which involve dressing up. Whatever I wear to 'look my best' doesn't feel good on me...ever. I try to make the most of myself but feel uncomfortable during 'dressy' occasions.

3) When I know I am the biggest woman in the room (it shouldn't bother me, but it does.) I do a quick scan of the room and discover that I am indeed the fattest woman in it.

4) When I am naked and see myself in the mirror after showering.

5) This one is completely daft. Being in the company of successful, bright (and SLIM) career women. (When I have my regular committee meetings.) Now - doesn't that sound stupid? It's almost like I can make myself feel instantly inferior because I am fat. I have the brain-power, I have had the same success in the workplace, I have tons of relative experience - but these days, I feel awkward and BIG and I let that fact suck away my self-confidence. That is madness, but it happens. Major inferiority complex because I feel big - like I am not competing or functioning at the same level. I was appointed to the board for my 'wisdom' and the contribution I could make, yet I feel somehow 'inferior' because the women around me are trim, slim and well groomed. I am well groomed. That's where the similarity ends! Wrong and stupid, and I am conscious of it and can do all the positive self-talk to eliminate such worries, but they remain. I feel big and awkward and worry that I look big. Stupid, but there you go.

Oh there is a number 6 too. I am not married to my man and we don't live together, but even after five plus years of closeness and being engaged to marry, when we sleep with each other there is no way I am parading around in all my naked glory (or grossness.) It's an under-the-sheets-quickly routine for me. I should be too old and too experienced to worry. He loves me unconditionally, which is wonderful but I now get that big girl naked shyness.

On a day to day basis I am fine, so most of the time I am OK and then - smack - I am in one of those situations and all I can think about is my fatness, or all I can see are my rolls of fat and the blobby body. Sporadic self-hatred... It doesn't last. On a day to day basis I forget I am fat. Put on some big clothes, see a friend, have a laugh, see my man and my world is OK again. The face is fine - but from the shoulders down? Well, I can forget about that. It tends not to worry me much. I do my hair, my face, smile at myself and I am fine and go about my business not thinking about body shape and size or being overweight.

So...during the day I completely forget that I don't like the way I look. It's not uppermost in my mind, and rightly so.

I am finding that I FORGET I am big. I forget because I am happy and content or at least OK with life generally (even though it can still be worrying at times.) I eat lazily and live lazily - and enjoy it all.

Things have to change - but, I ask myself, do I want this enough - this slim and healthier body? I keep forgetting that I am supposed to be losing weight!

Do you struggle with the 'life plan' on a daily basis, or has it become a way of life for you?

Spice Up Your Life...

2010-10-29T14:11:00.000+01:00

Hah. Gotcha! No, this isn't a kinky weight-loss post, a soft-porn edition. It's about soup and drastic weight-loss measures:)

Being virtuous (and into making soups right now) I made a big, big pot of carrot and butternut squash soup yesterday. It was for me and the boys - enough to last for two days.

I was tasting as I went. The soup was sweet, despite seasoning, but had a good, yummy 'vegetable' flavour. I thought I'd add a bit of chili to give it an edge...take off the sweetness. I threw in a few chili flakes. Perhaps I added more than a few? Silly me. That was a mistake.

I blended it, served it up, with wholemeal bread for the boys, and took a spoonful.

Aaaaaargh! I almost spat it out. Oh yes...the taste of carrots and squash remained, but I didn't really want my insides to feel they'd been set alight as an after-shock! :)

Today I write to you with a burned tongue and gullet :) Not really, but I did ruin a big pot of soup. It was more than spicy! I may throw some boiled potatoes into it, and perhaps blend it with milk when I reheat it. That might take the burn-i-ness out of it. (I don't think burn-i-ness is a word...but 'heat' just doesn't describe it properly.) It seems a shame to throw the remainder down the plug-hole.

Ah well. Hot or not, it was healthy soup.

If all foods had an after-shock, I'd be able to avoid them like the plague. Easy-peasy. Imagine cream doughnuts tasting firey? They'd lose their appeal.

I may patent that. Slimming foods so spicy you just can't eat them. I have actually heard of people deliberately ruining their (tempting and fattening) food with peppers and spices and sauces so they wouldn't be able to eat them. You would go off food if it didn't taste nice, wouldn't you?

Just musing.

Thanks for indulging me.

Oh, one pound down this morning. Probably because I wan't able to drink my soup last night...either that or my insides have been burned out and weigh less :)

Have a good weekend.

Putting it off, and putting it off...

2010-10-28T11:10:00.000+01:00

Morning all. It's been so good to read that some of my favourite bloggers are doing well. They are losing weight, getting out there and enjoying life and their new found confidence rings out. What fantastic success stories. I want a bit of that for me. I can have a bit of that too. Nothing is preventing me losing weight.

So, can anyone tell me why I put off having my own success story?

Oh I know my life is about much more than losing weight, but a while ago I determined that this is what I would do, I'd lose weight, because being a fat woman was spoiling my life in many ways. I was becoming miserable, losing my enthusiasm for joining in, taking part. I'd wallow. I still do on some days. It's easy for me now to let life pass me by. I am finding it hard to make my days worthwhile. I could slob out all day. However, when I read a few blogs here I tell myself I have to make a decision. Do I really want to slob out and miss out on truly living, or do I want to be part of the game, to make today count for something?

I'd guess that with extra pounds and new rolls of fat their comes a certain sort of misery...not because we are so shallow that we believe the world is full of slim, air-brushed model types, but because our tighter clothes, our reflection in the mirror and the sight of recent photos makes us feel down. Everything we do as a fat person takes a bit more effort. Moving as others do becomes harder. We get out of breath quicker.

Let's not pretend there aren't negatives that come with the fat suit, because there are, no matter how much the fat acceptance people tell us we are being brain-washed.

This is the life we have, and if it becomes harder in many ways, then it isn't as good as it could possibly be, is it? We can laugh, we can have a jolly exterior and some people can be genuinely fat and happy. I think I am in a way. I am content and I am lucky to have a good life style but I know it's not a particularly healthy one.

On days when I have nothing much planned, (now I don't work, and my children have grown) I have the option to sit and do nothing much. Hmm. Nice. I deserve a life with fewer pressures.

However, I can go online, write, drink tea, graze all day long...and at the end of the day feel angry with myself that it's a day wasted, a day without goals, a day I have drifted through and probably gained a pound. Muscles haven't been used, brain has been engaged but the body, full of tea and grabbed snacks - all reasonably decent - is feeling sluggish. Sluggish body affects mind - and hey voila! - all of a sudden I turn from being a bright, middle aged woman who is content with her lot into a lazy, self-indulgent fat cow who deserves to grow fat and rot because she wastes life and opportunities to live.

*Laughing and shaking my head here.* Isn't it incredible how we can so easily bring ourselves down?

My dear old Mum always used to say keeping herself busy helped her to forget her cares and woes. It works. Too much time spent thinking, analysing, pondering can bring us down and have us focusing on all that isn't good with our lives.

I have a million and one jobs to do around the house, so today I have determined to tick at least one or two of those chores off my list. Win-win situation, as I'll exercise my body too. I'll also force myself out into the fresh air. Fresh air always lifts a mood I find.

I felt good yesterday. I walked for miles around Batsford Arboretum with my man and we saw the thousands of trees in all their colourful Autumn glory.

Being out in the world and being part of it helps me. It lifts me physically and mentally.

'DOING' does that for us. It lifts us, so don't we owe it to ourselves to join in, to make our bodies move?

Sometimes, when we feel miserable about being fat all we want to do is wallow, but in wallowing we put off the day when our body becomes lighter and healthier.

Today I am working towards a slimmer and healthier life by making sure I engage with life itself. I could waste my day or do something with it, and I choose to be part of it all, fat or not.

What are you doing today? Whatever you do, move if you can. Change the scenery if you can. This is a reminder to myself too.

Have a good 'un :)

Well, There is Always Next Year....

2010-10-27T05:09:00.000+01:00

To the right of this post there is a little saying on my page, which includes the words 'keep fighting.'

It's hard to keep fighting for a new body, a new way of eating, a new way of using your time actively, isn't it? It's SO easy to slip back into old ways. Do you find that, or has your healthy eating and exercise campaign become a breeze?

Sigh. It hasn't been a good week, mainly because people have been visiting, we've had a busy weekend and eating on the go or eating out has been part of it. I just ate what I fancied, and although there were no binges, I ate lots of calorific things. I didn't make any attempt to work off the calories either. Basically, I didn't care, I enjoyed myself and any guilt I had when ordering a pudding quickly vanished.

Oh woe is me? No. Not at all. This was my doing. I hold my hands up. I just didn't try.

Since I last weighed myself I have gained 4+ lbs. Four plus? Lets just call it five. Back into the 200lbs+ zone.

So, 'dieting' wisdom tells me I shouldn't give up, that I have to get back on track. All is not lost. I can undo the damage. I can carry on. I tell myself a transformation has to happen now, and it will only happen if I keep working on myself. I entitled this piece "Well, there is always next year..." because I really feel I keep putting off (in my head) the time when I will be a slimmer, fitter version of me.

There is no finishing line, this isn't a race, but I am like the runner who keeps falling over. I get back up and fall over again. By the time I have crossed the finishing line all the other competitors have gone home and the stadium has been locked up. (If this were a real scenario I'd not be concerned about getting out or climbing over the gates - I'd be scouring the food outlets for left-over burgers and popcorn I expect.)

I know, I know. Nelson Mandela famously quoted Marianne Williamson, saying “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

Maybe some people find achieving personal goals easy? I know I don't. Oh, I could study and pass exams, that was no trouble, and any personal obstacles in the road of life I have worked around with determination and moved on, but I don't seem to be 100% motivated to lose weight. I have good reasons for wanting to be slimmer. It's just a 'want' however, not a burning ambition, or a firm goal. Although I have lost some weight, every pound I lose involves a struggle....and what I see as 'sacrifices.' I register the struggle, rather than the victory.
I keep forgetting I HAVE a goal. I give in too easily, without much thought.

Oh well, never mind there's always next year...

It doesn't have to be like that, does it? Not if I am determined to do what it takes. Not if I'm determined to achieve my goals. I appreciate that there is one clear truth with personal goals - no one can reach them for me. There has to be action on my part.
I have to remember why I am doing this. I have to constantly remind myself that I need to exercise the muscle of self-discipline more than any other.

The other day I read something which amused me, and which is also very apt, given I am losing weight so slowly. “By perseverance the snail reached the ark.”

Here's a drawing of a happy snail :)
(OK, OK. I liked it.)

We all have to persevere, don't we?

Are you still working at it? I hope so. I'll leave you with something written by Jim Rohn.

“How long should you try? Until.”

Some Days Are Harder Than Others.

2010-10-22T10:52:00.001+01:00

Why is that? Why do I feel really revved up some days and full of confidence that I can follow my plan - then a few days later, feel reluctant to do so?

What happens? Today, and it's early as I type, I feel I am going through the motions. It seems like a slog. All the enthusiasm I felt a few days ago seems to have waned. It seems like an enormous task to lose this dumpy apple shape of mine - to get rid of these tyres of fat around my middle.

So far I have done the sensible thing. I have had a good, nutritious breakfast and I don't feel hungry. I've taken my daily medication. I fed the cat and later he head-butted me and purred against my arm as we had a chat. He is now asleep on his cushion. I have a big glass of water by my side and I am sipping it as I type. I got up at 6.45am as usual, saw my boys off to work, have done some work in the kitchen and as my house is on three levels I have been up and down the stairs several times. I have loaded the dishwasher and washing machine, chopped up some ham fat and put it on the bird-table for our feathered friends, (it's getting cold in the UK - very cold!) and now I want to slump, to laze about.
I have told myself that my indulgence is my blog post and then I'll put on an exercise DVD before showering. (I might just put it on and watch it - I have done that in the past!!!)

It's all a bit half-hearted.

However, we know how to get through spells like this, when we struggle to feel motivated. You just have to do it.

I could whine to myself until the cows come home about it 'not being fair' that I have to change my lifestyle. It won't help. Action is what is needed and sometimes you DO have to fake it to make it. I am doing this FOR ME, after all. Why would I make it more difficult than it has to be? In truth, it should be easy. (I almost wrote 'a piece of cake.') It isn't though, is it? Old ways and habits can get the better of us and slip ups, even small ones can trigger a downward spiral. That seems to be a common problem.

The most important thing is to take the next step. That makes sense. For me, the next step is to get moving, even though all my instincts tell me I could catch up with episodes of The Apprentice. I could make myself a nice mug of coffee and put my feet up. However, if I get my exercise out of the way, (even if I only do 15 minutes it's better than nothing,) then shower, I may feel psyched up to tackle the day with enthusiasm and gusto, or at least feel satisfied that I have been true to myself and stayed on plan.

You have to start if you want to achieve. It's the getting started that is sometimes difficult when there are cosier options to choose from. This is why gym membership is a non-starter for me. I did become a gym member - twice - and I wasted the (quite considerable) membership fees. Getting there was the hardest part.

I am finding that I have to KEEP planning throughout the day. A daily plan is no good. An hourly plan is better, for me. I have to keep having a 'next step' and I have to remind myself that the next step ought to be a healthy one that will bring me a little nearer to my goal. I already know what I shall be having for lunch. A soft tortilla with lots of salad and home-cooked ham...and a squirt of extra light mayo.

OK. Post done. On with the day.

Nike got it right. Sometimes, no matter what your mood, you just have to DO IT!

You are doing it for yourself today as well, aren't you? :)

Have a good one.

“Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.”

Something is Working.

2010-10-20T20:46:00.001+01:00

Woohoo. A few days ago, on one of my random weigh-ins, I discovered I'd lost one pound. I was going to record it but didn't get round to it.

I weighed myself this morning after my shower (I'd already had breakfast so imagined the one pound lost wouldn't register.) To my surprise, I'd lost two more, so, since I last recorded my weight loss (I am not recording gains) I have lost 3lbs. I know my weight fluctuates in between random weighings, but the scale is registering lower numbers - and it's those I am interested in! I am now 198lbs! I went under 200lbs without being very aware I'd reached that point, given my weigh-ins have been sporadic. I almost expected to gain and remain over 200lbs for ever and a day! What a nice surprise. Now - I don't want to gain those pounds back. Staying under 200lbs will be my goal for now!

My clothes are feeling decidedly loose. I cannot afford new outfits so I am gathering up items that used to fit and then became too tight. They'll get another outing.

Something is working. Maybe my meal planning is helping? I can't say I have been very good about exercising regularly. In fact I stayed in all day yesterday and I didn't do any exercise except movement round the house and some light housework. Not good but sometimes I have to tell myself I am allowed to have lazy days once in a while. Life used to be extremely hectic and busy - and stressful. It still is on occasions. The odd lazy day is what early retirement is all about - my reward for being always responsible and the sole breadwinner for many, many years! :)

I had a lazy day - because I felt like it. I think we have to give in to our moods once in a while - so yesterday was spent online, watching TV, sorting through old photos, doing puzzles, talking on the phone, reading and preparing food and drinking lots of tea. I changed the bedding, (I love having fresh clean sheets on the bed when I turn in at night) put two loads of washing out on the line to dry and did a small pile of ironing. It was a nice day. I just didn't feel like venturing out.

Today I went out with daughter. It was her day off and she drove us into town. She had some shopping to do and we had lunch together. I didn't want much so we went to the food court and eyed up all the food outlets. I decided I wasn't very hungry, so I had a tuna salad with a small slice of garlic bread. I drank diet Coke, which I don't really like, but I felt thirsty and wanted a long drink. (Should have had water.) We did lots of walking. I took the stairs instead of the lifts or escalators. (Every bit of exercise helps!) We stopped later at Starbucks for a coffee. It was amazing that this is a coffee house. So many people were spooning whipped cream and chocolate flakes from the top of their cups. Fortunately, coffee for me means medium strength freshly brewed coffee with a splash of semi-skimmed milk and nothing else. That's how it's always been. A creamy, chocolately concoction is more like a pudding than a drink but so many seem to get their fix that way. I felt quite virtuous! :)

Daughter visited a cake shop because she was having visitors later and she chose a selection of little cakes and had them boxed up. I watched - not feeling in the least tempted. They looked a bit sickly-sweet. What's going on???

It could be that my chewy breakfast of one Weetabix sprinkled with hemp and also seeds (flax, sesame, linseed, pumpkin and sunflower...Neal's Yard, Breakfast Sprinkle) is filling me up? I don't feel hungry until much later in the day, sometimes having a very light lunch when I am at home. A bowl of homemade soup (I am into making soups lately!) is all I need...and I tend to have whatever I cook the boys for dinner - or whatever my man prepares if I am at his house. I watch portion size but nothing much is off limits. My appetite seems to vanish at times though. That's good. I can't manage large meals any more. Now, if only I could MAKE myself take time out to exercise, I'd probably speed up the weight loss.

Having said that, I am not racing - there is no end point. I just want to tweak my life - to eat less, to eat healthily more times than not, (treats allowed occasionally, foods I love incorporated into the 'diet' - in moderation.) and move more every day. Significantly more. The lack of movement over the last few years, rather than pigging out regularly is what contributed to my weight gain.

Vigilence is what it's all about - being conscious of what I am doing with my days, being aware of the ways in which I look after myself.

I just want to feel compelled to exercise. I want to yearn for exercise, to enthuse about it - and I don't, although I do relish a walk these days. So, I am setting myself a mini-target. I am going to 'DO' exercise five days out of the next seven. I shall set time aside for biking and exercise DVDs. I am hoping that the more I do, the more I'll enjoy it and feel good for doing it. We'll see.

Hope you have a plan which is working for you.

Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement. ~ Foster C. McClellan

Going Back, Moving On.

2010-10-19T00:57:00.020+01:00

Well, feeling really gung-ho over the weekend I ate sensibly and didn't feel deprived. I counted calories - I even made myself broccoli soup, own recipe, using a whole onion, a large head of broccoli, one carrot that was skulking around and some chicken stock. Boiled up with a pinch of salt and black pepper, plus a few dried herbs, and then whizzed up with my stick blender - and that's what I ate on Saturday evening...with a slice of granary bread. Yummy and filling. I was a bit of a slacker where exercise was concerned though - not using the bike, not walking. No one to blame but me. I didn't use my time wisely. I could have fitted in some exercise but I deliberately avoided the bike, which is parked in front of my TV (a bit of an eyesore in my sitting room really, but for now it reminds me -sometimes - that I could be sitting on it pedalling instead of lounging around on the sofa when I watch the telly.)

Today (Monday) my man took a day off work because he was having his gas boiler serviced. The gas man had been and gone by 9.30am, so we went out for the day. We are members of the National Trust so we go out to visit stately homes and gardens in the vicinity. It was a cloudy day, but dry, so we drove to a grand house in the countryside, but, man being useless with instructions and directions, didn't notice that it closed on Mondays during some weeks of the year. This was one of those weeks. We drove up the long tree-lined driveway and parked anyway. Even the gardens were closed. However, just up the lane was a stile and a path to the parish church, winding over fields and through woodland. I insisted we walk it, because old churches and graveyards can be so interesting (I think!) I wanted to walk, to stretch my legs and it was good to be out in the countryside, far from the madding crowd. The path was strewn with red, gold and brown crispy autumn leaves and it wound past a stream, complete with ducks and a field full of grazing sheep. We were completely alone in the middle of nowhere...miles from the roads. All was still and quiet. At the end of the long and winding path was a gated archway and the path leading to the church door.

The old stone church was tiny but very pretty. Sadly, it's a sign of the times that it's big studded oak doors were locked. I tried to turn the big iron ring handle, but modern locks on the inside of the door were in place. Whatever happened to seeking sanctuary in a church? Shame, because I like looking round old churches in the gloom (they are always quite dark) imagining who might have worshipped in them over the years..admiring the stained glass windows, the leaded lights, the worn flagstones on the floor, the wooden pews, the amazing and intricate stone carving of the pillars.

The church yard was also fascinating. Many of the ancient tomb stones had weathered and the inscriptions couldn't be read, but some humongous Victorian stones stood proud and tall, decorated with ostentatious carvings of angels, chains, anchors AND creepily, small skulls, the eye sockets black and gloomy, the teeth fixed in a grimace. What a cruel reminder to the living that this is how we end up! :)Ooooh. They feared death did those Victorians but they knew how to mark their final resting place too.

Whole families were buried together...and sadly, not many lived to grand old ages. It was also really moving to notice that the children of the family often didn't make it into adulthood, victims of their time I suppose, struck down with incurable deadly diseases or by life's hardships. The Lord and Lady of the Parish and their relatives had massive plots, surrounded by iron railings to keep out the commoners, and their pets were buried in small graves beside them.

Wow. So much history in such a short visit...The birds sang, the sheep stared, disturbed by people walking close by. It was so peaceful and beautiful. It was also a reminder I suppose that life is fleeting and precious. We were here, all alone in the middle of a leafy patch of England, walking down the path which so many generations had walked before. This is our time on the planet. Our time and space, and really, aren't we bloody lucky that we have modern medicine, and technology which makes our lives so much easier than those of the people whose remains lie in that churchyard?

Man and I walked back to the car hand in hand...appreciating that we were in our fifties, and this was OUR time. The wierd thing is - my body may not be wonderful, but it has served me well, and inside - this is so strange - inside I am still a girl, a young woman. I have wisdom born out of living five decades and a bit but in my head I am still the person I was at 25...but a wiser, more confident, more balanced person. If only I knew then what I know now. I have experienced so much over the years...good and bad times, and times when I felt if life dealt me one more blow I'd stay down. I'd not bounce back like I had before, but strangely, we do. Life is a wonderful thing...despite it's knocks. We are made of strong stuff and I want the years ahead to be good ones. I want to be strong and healthy and I want to enjoy however much of this life I have left. Our children have grown up and become reasonably independent. We have our health (mostly!) and strength (when it doesn't run out!) and so much to be grateful for.

We jumped into our 'horseless carriage' and made our way down the long sweeping drive, away from the grand house, now empty, but which had been a home to so many people over the last centuries. I imagined the horses and riders who might have galloped up to the house, and the ladies, in their big skirts and finery, sitting in horse-drawn carriages. There'd have been weather-beaten men and women - and their children, working on the land, in the fields surrounding the house. In my mind's eye I could see them all.

Back to the here and now and an appreciation of how different life is today. How am I going to make the best of my days? The ease of modern living has made us fat. The pressures and stresses that come with it often make us ill. We have easier lives but it's ironic that we knowingly live unhealthy lives too. We weren't designed to sit around, drive everywhere, not walk, and eat and eat and eat until we feel stuffed. I need a dose of reality sometimes to remind me that I too will be pushing up daisies some day.

I have spent so much of my life in a fat suit - not all of it - I was wonderfully slim at times - and at times slightly rounded, but never obese as I am now. I have been out of shape, unfit, lazy, self-indulgent and allowed my body to become so big that I am not happy with the way I look. In the great scheme of things, that's not a lot to be truly bothered about but even though I laugh lots and have good times, this is a cloud hanging over me. It's about health and it's about vanity too. Being fat is ageing. I have aged - it comes to us all, I am past my prime, but I feel I have lost part of me along with my confidence, if that makes sense? I have become invisible, rounded, matronly. I want to stop the rot.

I could read every single book on self-esteem ever printed, every web site pronouncing we are truly beautiful inside yet still hate looking at photographs of myself. I know all the 'love yourself' stuff, yet I still feel self conscious when I walk into a room, I still feel like the fat one when I meet up with friends. I know I am much more than my size, of course I am, but if my size makes me unhappy, why have I delayed doing something about it - mending my ways?

OK so all the psychological reasons surrounding our lifestyle, mental blocks, food addiction, our over-eating and obesity can be brought into the ring too - but at the end of the day, we are the only ones who can fix the parts of ourselves which hold us back. We have to mend ourselves. All the talking, therapy, writing, self-reflection, and self-esteem courses in the world can't help us unless our thinking is clear and we decide we'll eat fewer calories and exercise more. We all know that's not as easy as it sounds either.

If I don't make the most of myself now, when will I? When I am a pensioner, sitting in an old folks home relying on carers to dress me, toilet me and feed me? It ain't gonna happen then, is it? I won't be able to hold a mirror or stand up in front of one, never mind apply make up and do my hair or care about my clothes. Will I make old bones and have an old age?

All I know is, earlier today in that ancient church yard the old cliche 'Carpe Diem' was ringing through my head. 'Carpe' translates literally as 'pluck' - it refers to the picking of fruit, so a more accurate view is 'enjoy the day, pluck the day when it is ripe'. The extended version of the phrase 'carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero' translates as (I discovered - isn't the interweb wonderful?) 'Pluck the day, trusting as little as possible in the future'. Make hay while the sun shines. Gather ye rosebuds while you may.

Who knows what the future holds? How many of us have wasted our days, months, years wallowing in fat misery? It's a hard place to move on from, I know that only too well. However, if today is all we have, don't we owe it to ourselves, fat or not, to seize it, to make the most of it? This is it folks. This is the life we have.

Don't we owe it to ourselves to do something with our days, even if the only thing we achieve is a day of healthy eating? We can do that. Life can be cruel, hard and it can knock us down. It's not always easy to think about self-care, but if we can make today a day in which we have tried to look after our bodies, isn't that a day well spent no matter what our circumstances, and an investment in our tomorrows?

My walk today had me thinking. We cannot wait until some golden age when all will be well, and we of course will be slim and fit. Don't waste today thinking about eating, and er, eating some more, and then er...snacks, followed by naps and TV and erm....more junk food, and eating and eating and um...what next...loafing about doing nothing much. That's how to waste life. Instead, plan tomorrow's healthy meals, trusting that today will end well, and tomorrow will be even better.

That's what I am trying to do. I don't always succeed fully but I am conscious that how I spend my days is how I spend my life. Sometimes we need the realisation that time is flying by. I am contented with my lot. I could tweak my life and make it healthier. That's my plan. I don't want to waste my life wishing, hoping, dreaming about a body I can be proud of. I don't want to live in Never Never Land or that place over the rainbow where dreams come true. I want to start walking towards a healthier, slimmer me today, appreciating all I have right now, enjoying life AND looking after number one while I have the days to do it. If I don't look after myself, no one else will. Same applies to you.

Seize the day. Yes? x x x

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
~ Fr. Alfred D'Souza

Planning to Succeed.

2010-10-16T18:05:00.001+01:00

Saturday, and it's been a lovely lazy day without too much pressure. My man is at his football game, with his brother and son, following his beloved team to Manchester. One of my sons is out, the other in, and preparing to go out. (I think there is a woman on the scene. Cave man rocker boy is sprucing up, hair cut, new T shirt and smelling good. We women know the signs...) and I have the evening to myself. Daughter phoned. She and her man are going out for a meal with friends this evening. All is well. (When my kids and man are OK I tend to be too.)

I have planned an evening on the sofa with the cat and a chick-flick. (The cat tells me he prefers all action adventure films, but tough he watches what I want or goes out to hunt mice.) No wine sadly, no crispy garlic bread (oh, pine, pine and wail!) but I HAVE to be firm with myself.

Yesterday I had a bit of a personal shake up. I knew I was getting by with doing as little as possible, eating what I wanted, which wasn't excessive (less than 1900 calories) but was certainly more than I should have had if I want to lose weight - given the only 'exercise' I had was walking around doing shopping. I was being self-indulgent, sluggish and not really conscious of my weight-loss goals. It was OK - no beating up going on, but when I went to bed last night I couldn't sleep. I tried, I lay there but sleep wouldn't come.

I got up, had a big glass of water and turned on the PC and went straight to a calorie counting site, joined and totted up my food totals for yesterday.

Then I made a meal plan for today...a sensible and healthy breakfast lunch and dinner, allowing a banana and a small bag of Ryvita Minis as a snack. I turned the PC off,went back to bed and fell asleep immediately! 1300 calories is the plan plus at LEAST 40 mins exercise per day..two lots of twenty minutes if necessary but I shall do it, every day.

It's now late afternoon and I am on track..and feeling better for tightening up my plan. Every night, before bed, I shall draw up my menus for the next day...looking at the food groups and calories of my choices. I'll also ensure I have all the foods I need in the fridge or cupboard. I think planning has to be essential for me. I am planning to succeed. I have to - or be content to stay the way I am. What do the motivational speakers say? "Fail to plan - plan to fail."

Now..all I have to do is exercise. I had ten minutes on the bike in front of the TV before I was disturbed. I have cleaned the kitchen and washed the floor, to music, so exaggerated limb extensions going on as well with my microphone mop. Lots of bending and stretching too. I am planning to go for a brisk walk in a minute before it gets dark. I'll walk down the hill and up the hill - long, steep hills, to the local supermarket. OK so I'll have to walk on a main road - it's not ideal having traffic passing by, but it's a walk. I can't use that as an excuse. It's not gym-level activity, but it is essential movement given I was turning into a house-bound slug (and enjoying every minute of it!)

I have kicked out the slug. I have my shoes on.....

Houston, we have lift off.

My Way.

2010-10-14T16:09:00.001+01:00

Was listening to Frank Sinatra singing 'My Way' in the kitchen this morning. (Well, he wasn't in my kitchen - that would have been hard - the song was on the radio.)

I don't know anyone of my age who doesn't join in with that last, long drawn-out refrain at the end..."I Did It Myyyyyyyyyyyyy Way." (OK, so it might just be me, but I like to sing along.)

The next song to be played was The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" and that's a fantastic one for jigging around to. Good job my kitchen is a reasonable size. I was clearing up after breakfast and decided I would jog on the spot until the song finished. I hadn't realised the presenter was playing the long version of it, with all the instrumental parts, so I jogged and jogged, wondering if it would ever end. My flabby tummy was wobbling up and down, and I wasn't wearing a sports bra so I cupped my breasts as I jogged...It wasn't a pretty sight. It wasn't sleek, purposeful or athletic. I was a fat woman having fun, and getting breathless in the kitchen.

I have called this post 'My Way' because regular readers might have gathered that I cannot work up enthusiasm for workouts in the gym, nor do I want to become a runner. Now, it's pretty obvious that some of the bloggers I read enjoy their gym sessions and they have become a regular part of their lives. Some bloggers are runners, others like to get out on their bikes...some, like me, enjoy walking. Different strokes for different folks. I am sure my walking and kitchen dancing/jogging doesn't burn as many calories as a good workout in the gym, but I am OK with that.

I think my reticence comes from

a) Having to travel to the gym. My nearest one is a car ride away, expensive and very busy. Given I used to go (a few years ago when I worked full time and could afford it) because I felt I 'should' - that's what people do to keep fit - I always went reluctantly.

b)I was OK once I got there but eeek...those rooms full of machines, television screens, mirrors, people plugged in to their music, poseurs (does every gym have them?) and serious athletes....I never ever felt part of it or enjoyed it. It was BORING and a chore and as for the awful music if you didn't have head-phones.. Aaargh! It was the sort of thump-thump, bass, tinny dance racket I'd get my kids to turn down at home. (I do oldest son a disservice. He wouldn't listen to 'club' music - R&B, hip-hop, rap, house, garage, whatever it's called, if you paid him.)

c) Changing rooms. Body hang-ups and feeling it's a drag to take off clothes, put on clothes, get sweaty, shower, dry hair, get dressed again. Sounds pathetic? Yup. But that was the mind-set of a fat, unfit woman who felt pressured to be part of it. I just wasn't happy being naked in communal changing rooms. Oh I can do the 'wrap my towel around me' bit, but I feel uncomfortable. I still can't get over the super-fit who'd strut around and even pose naked. I am pretty sure some were exhibitionists. The more modest or older, flabbier women tended to lurk in the corners...drying off quickly.

I am sure things like that don't bother most people, but even when I was going regularly I never felt part of it or enjoyed it. Even when my fitness improved, it was still a huge drag taking myself off on a cold November's night to the gym when I could have been cosy and warm at home. I can be up at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning to walk for miles in the countryside - no bother - but ask me to go to a gym and I'd be reluctant.

So..back to the point of this post - it doesn't matter if the gym is not your thing, does it?

Yesterday I wrote that some of the overweight posted about their fatness as though it was a certain death-sentence.

OK - It's not healthy, and being 'morbidly obese' gives us a bit of a clue about the dangers too, but 'fat' and the word 'death' in the same sentence is a nasty modern phenomenon. People make television programmes about such fat people (freaks?) and we gawp at the misery of others. I've done the same.

Fat does not equal death. (I wrote too that it makes sense to lose weight for health reasons..) I was thinking as I was kitchen-jogging, about the whole diet industry and the way in which we are steered down roads we may not want to go.

Some people love working out, and that's great, but why do the majority of fat people also buy into "I must become a gym member" too? Lots do. many people become enthusiastic and love it and need their work-outs, but from speaking to others it's apparent that a lot of people don't enjoy working out at the gym.

Not 'getting into' that sort of movement and routine can be counter-productive in that we feel like the non-sporty geeks that were never picked for teams in their school days. It almost puts us off exercise when we fail to become regular gym-goers.

They reckon most gymnasiums/sports centres make their money from the people who sign up for a year and then use the facilities rarely. Guilty as charged, the first time I joined a gym - because I felt I 'should'. By the same token should we equate the words "Gym member" with "You must lose weight."? Are we in thrall to those who work out regularly and blog about it? Do they become our role models?

There is a whole lot of marketing savvy going on there methinks. The drop-out rate at my gym was incredible. So many new faces in January who'd vow to get fit but who obviously fell off the face of the earth in February. Some people get into it...loving the routine and what it does for them and I have no argument with that whatsoever. Way to go.

It's just that many, like me, NEVER get into it and feel a sense of guilt almost that they shun the gym. Do I deserve to be fat because I didn't 'feel the burn' when celebrities (making money) were telling us we should, way back in the '80s? I sort of opted out then on principle I think :)

The world has changed. We realise that activity (which we used to take for granted before cars and computers came along) is important, so we have to go to places 'to be active' which still seems a bit wierd to me.

Only professional sports people worked out when I was a child...(Professional footballers would run around the pitch, practice their kicking, passing and dribbling skills, and then go off to the pub for a lunch time pie and pints of beer. No one questioned this and they still turned out every Saturday to win matches.) Some active types took up hobbies like tennis or swimming, but just as many kept slim by walking to the shops, going to the park with the kids, throwing balls about, running, skipping.....moving, cycling to work, or catching buses. Movement was incorporated into the day, it wasn't something you had to GO and do at a certain time.

Anyway, I am bucking the trend here ;-)

I fully recommend my "Jogging to Roger Daltry in The Kitchen" warm-up, and the "Thirty Minute Walk to the Shops To Buy Bananas and Milk" work-out. Later I shall be doing the "Bending and Stretching Autumn Routine" as I collect fallen leaves on the patio and in the garden.

Just like Frank, I am doing it MY WAY, and to all those out there who know exercise is important and that they have to move more, I'd recommend it as an alternative to the gym, if that isn't your thing.

Do whatever floats your boat but do it regularly. It's important to move...so move, and have fun doing it too. It certainly lifts my spirits and the more active I am, the more I want to do.

OK.....hands off the keyboard and move away from your computer. Go on. Now. I am watching you.

Have a good day :)

We All Have To Die.

2010-10-13T13:40:00.004+01:00

Now, this isn't the cheeriest of posts - but perhaps it is, in it's own way. I have been reading something in a lot of blogs lately that is annoying me.

I read so often that fat people will say they are 'dieting' because they 'don't want to die'.

Like it's inevitable. Fat = death. *Sigh.*

Bloody hell. The scaremongers out there will not let the big people exist easily, will they? We have been led to believe that extra poundage is SO dangerous that fat people (who dare to exist) are on a collision course with death. You are fat. Game over.

Can I just point out that we are ALL going to die, of something, one way or another?

I will also say right now that I am aware that being overweight does us no favours. I know it puts an extra strain on the heart. We are likely to have high blood pressure and high cholesterol levels too. I know it makes us susceptible to all manner of illnesses. I KNOW that.

You know that too.

It's not sensible to be overweight, not at all, but fat people exist!

We aren't merely great mounds of blubber on our way to meet our maker - that is the way we are portrayed so often of late - yet so many bloggers seem concerned that their fat is a death sentence. Big guilt trip that they have well and truly messed their lives up.

I'd say their way of life is more likely to be a death sentence, because fitness rather than fatness is a more crucial indicator of premature death. Fat people can be relatively fit! There were fat people around in my childhood and youth and being overweight didn't carry the stigma it does today. I guess we moved more then?

EVERYONE is going to the same place if you like - the day when we cease to exist. From the minute we are born we are heading in that direction. It's a weird and scary thought, but it's true.

A fat person may live longer than the thin person jogging down the road in front of them. Thin, healthy joggers drop down dead. Linda McCartney, right-on vegetarian died young of cancer. Footballers collapse on the field and die. An old schoolfriend of mine (thin too) died of heart disease. A colleague dropped dead in the workplace. He was slim and fit - a gym-user. Conversely, there are lots of tubby middle aged people about. I know of people who have smoked all their lives who've lived into their 90s. My rounded mother lived to be 86 - and she smoked too when she was younger. Life is a bit of a lottery. We can help ourselves, obviously, but genetics come into the equation too.

Hospitals all over the world are full of thin people on their death-beds. As you are reading this, THIN people are popping their clogs, kicking the bucket, checking out, giving up the ghost.

We die. Thinness is NOT a guarantee of long life. Thin or fat, our lives end.

Death gets us - one way or another. Sad but true.

A reliance on fast foods and sedentary lifestyles has caught up with us. Of course we are right to be concerned. Fast foods are everywhere. We drive, we have jobs that don't involve movement. We watch TV, sit at computers, play online games. We weren't designed to stagnate.

Now I'll go on to say that it is sensible to try and lose weight if we are carrying an excess of it about. We know that. We can help ourselves. We can lead healthier lives and we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to do that. We owe it to our children that we bring them up to run about, move lots and teach them to eat nutritious foods.

The point of this post is that we are what we are. We may be fat (some of us) and the chances are if you are reading this you are overweight, or have been overweight at some time.

Right now we mustn't waste our precious days fretting about illness, early death and seeing ourselves as being at the head of the queue to meet the Grim Reaper. That's my point.

We are here and this is our life.

Oh I do more than my fair share of moaning and whining about my fatness. But, despite it, I am content because my life is OK. I don't like my shape but I like my life. (* sings* I'm gonna live forever, I'm gonna learn how to fly!")

I am a fat woman, I need a kick up the arse occasionally to remind me I am being slothful, over-eating and have other options, but I have a lot going for me, one way and the other, and I'd like to bet that you have too. Right?

We are more than our weight, we are more than our flabby, waddling bodies. We exist, and we have a right to the space we take up and the air we breathe. We are not one step away from the grave - no more than our thin brothers and sisters are - and I am sick to the back teeth of that message being put about.

We know we aren't in prime condition, we know our weight holds us back, we know we get out of breath easily and we know our cholesterol levels and blood pressure might be high. That is NOT good news - let me stress that, BUT being fat is not a crime and not a certain death sentence. Every single one of us has a tale to relate. We all have mismanaged our food intakes and lifestyles for one reason or another. We aren't greedy bloaters who deserved to be scorned, deserve to die young and have to be labelled defective.

Last summer I was on holiday - 'at the seaside', as we say here. On the promenade were all sorts of adults. They came in all shapes and sizes. The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing and more or less every single one of them seemed to be enjoying the experience. They looked carefree...they looked as though they were really enjoying LIVING, enjoying their lives, just as they were. It was a snapshot if you like, of what it is to be alive. Some of them were fat, yet they were smiling, enjoying the experience just the same. One man licked an ice-cream cornet, a middle aged couple sat on a bench, tucking into their fish and chips. They weren't thin.

I bet the last thing on ice-cream licking man's mind was..."Oh dear. I am big and here I am eating an ice cream. Oh no. How unhealthy. I am going to die."

The other couple most definitely weren't having a discussion about the merits of a lettuce leaf as opposed to their bag of tasty fish and chips. "Oh George. We really should have had a salad you know." Were they discussing the 'Death Is Upon You' rating of a deep fried cod? I think not.

What I am saying is, fat or thin, this is it. It's our life, our short time on the planet, right now.

Life in a fat suit isn't much fun. We know that. We blog about it. It isn't particularly healthy or clever to ignore a body starting to bulge, a chin starting to multiply, thighs rubbing together painfully when we walk, or all the other discomforts we feel and know about all too well when we are overweight. It's good that we determine to lose pounds. Working towards a smaller, fitter body is a sensible thing to do.

In the meantime however, stop seeing your fat as a death sentence, stop thinking diabetes is inevitable or your life is over or coming to an end because you are big.

That's intense, nasty pressure - and in all probability a message promoted by drug companies, insurance companies or the slimming industry - with government backing. They have a lot to gain (money, money, money) by making you ultra aware of your awful 'short-comings'.

"Oh gross! Don't you feel bad about yourself, you horrible, unhealthy fat person?"

What better message to bandy about than the pernicious "Hey fatty. You'll be dead soon!"

Think about it. Misery anyone?

Cigarettes are still made and sold, dope is available if you know where to look for it. Drugs abound. Alcohol can be bought easily and is often served with food. Motor bikes have powerful engines. Cars can go fast. We can kill ourselves in so many ways, but we can also determine to lead rich lives too. Today.

Those rich lives can be enhanced further if we get our weight down with a sensible diet and tone up our bodies through movement. They might not be better lives. Problems will still find us. We will however be better equipped to deal with whatever comes our way. Do it on your terms, for you and not because the world despises fat people.

Don't let anyone slap a 'Dying - Waste of Time" sticker on your forehead because you are fat. I see that despair in so many blogs.

Don't let anyone have you believe that you are merely death warmed up. That is grossly misleading.

You shouldn't be told time and time again that you are living under a black cloud because your shape doesn't fit the modern blue-print. Where is the joy in that? "I am fat. My life is over."

NO IT ISN'T!!!!

That is not fair.

You may be a fat person leading life in a fat suit, but yours is just as valid as the thin person's next door. You are just as worthwhile too. One day it WILL all be over, but please make sure you enjoy the journey and appreciate your life while you have it. Right now. Being fat does have health implications, but all manner of things can cause death. Today you have life. You will I hope be around for many, many more years to come. You increase that chance by becoming a healthy weight, but for all of us, thin or fat, like it or not, NOW is all we have.

Now, bugger off and go and enjoy your day. Go on. Have fun. x x x

Blimey...About Those Who Stand In Judgement Out There.

2010-10-12T15:57:00.002+01:00

In this corner of Blogland we are all writing about our wants, needs to have smaller, healthier, fitter bodies - right? We write about the methods we employ to achieve that aim too, yes?

We have that in common.

Some people have done incredibly well, some people have a plan and it's working, some feel the need for gastric band surgery, some need the framework of a tight diet, other eat intuitively and feel they've cracked it, some people have vague plans and have a bit of a whine (me) but they're heading in the right direction, others are doing well, they struggle occasionally but they SO want to lose weight, so they pick themselves up and carry on, some people join groups for support, some count calories, some count points, others need supplements and special foods, some write about how down they feel because they have lost the plot....some buzz along on a high because they have an exercise routine and have released those feel-good endorphins.

There is room for everyone.

I have been reading around a few blogs this morning and there definitely is some finger-pointing going on regarding the mentality of those who embark on weight-loss journeys....which as we know aren't really journeys at all. We learn as we go that we have to make some lifestyle changes which have to be sustainable life LONG.

What is beginning to piss me off incredibly is the small group of people who've planted their flag on the high moral ground and never tire of telling 'slimmers', in a somewhat superior way, that they really are quite pathetic.

I'll be the first to rail about 'diets' screwing me up, doing my head in. I'll also hold my hands up to having a child within who wants me to eat doughnuts...and often that child has me vent about the unfairness of being fat and what a drag it is that I really HAVE to sort myself out in terms of eating and exercise. I hate having to summon up the discipline required to exercise. That's me...but I DO want to lose weight and I do want to feel fitter. I am exploring all the avenues. I am tweaking the way I live....being conscious of what I am doing (or not doing as is sometimes the case when I have my lazy hat on) and I write about it.

I am open to constructive criticism. I am open to ideas, open to thoughts, I love debates, and it's wonderful when other bloggers throw out some words of comfort or encouragement because they 'know where I am coming from.'

Like most of us I write a sort of 'this is my day and this is what I was feeling, thinking, doing' diary or journal. If I were still fifteen this blog would be snazzy, full of doodles and day dreams, have a little lock and key on it and be hidden away at the back of my knickers drawer :)

It isn't. It's out there for the world to read, and all I know is, I have to say it like it is, for me.

I may be mentally wired differently to others but I try to be honest and open, because really, what's the point of writing otherwise? I am so anti-diet industry, but here I am, a fat woman who has to embrace some parts of the dogma, the theory, because let's face it - some of it is plain common sense, whether or not those companies, groups, firms are making money out of our misery. We buy into the whole 'losing weight' game because we want better bodies. I want a healthier, fitter body and all my waistbands to feel comfortable. For that to happen I have to alter the way I live.

When all is said and done, this blog is here for me, to help me, and if it entertains, amuses, informs, or motivates (ha ha ha) others, then great. It's good when people can identify with your feelings and thoughts. We share our successes, we share our pain, we share our thoughts...we delve into the way we work, the ways in which we respond to situations, and it makes for interesting reading usually. Some blogs are more readable than others, some campaigns are more disciplined than others, some writers are more philosophical than others...some writers have the knack of making the process funny, and we pick and choose our reading. if we can't identify with a writer we move on to something else...we don't pick holes in their techniques, methods, dreams.

I don't really want my writing analysed, nor do I want to be told that I am this, that or the other. I am me...a middle aged woman who has lived a bit and tends to laugh her way through life. I am cocking up my weight-loss plan left, right and centre, but I do care about me deep down, that's why I have joined this weight-loss community. I am learning SO much from reading other blogs. I am gaining comfort, motivation, encouragement, determination...all sorts of positive feelings from YOU...and I thank you for that. I am also (slowly) losing weight, but every day is a bit of a struggle. I wish it weren't but my natural instincts are to slob out and eat foods I like. I write about it...I piss myself off. It's all good though :)

I don't however want to be shot down in flames for my approach, my thinking. Do any of us?

Don't you just thank God..or whatever...that we are all so different? We can see things from different angles, we approach things differently, we behave differently and we learn as we grow that one size does NOT fit all.

There is room for all approaches..even my "I hate gyms and fucking exercise machines!" one. Some people LOVE them and need them...and that's OK. What works for you is OK. It might not work for us long term...but we'll learn from the experience and not become filled with self-hatred because we got it wrong. We might despair of our rolls of fat, but we are still in the game, knowing we can live with them or lose them. Dilemma huh, when one is naturally inclined to watch television whilst eating ;-)

We learn about ourselves as we go - that's what I am finding. We fight internal battles in ways which suit us...we fight weight loss battles differently too, and we are not wrong or misguided or demented because we choose our way and also have the capability to beat ourselves up and love ourselves at the same time.

I am a wonderful person and I have lots of friends. Positive enough?

I am pretty crap at this self-discipline lark though :)

If I am into self-flagellation, as I often am, let me be. Partly it's for artistic license anyway. I do a good line in self-deprecating misery...and sadly some take me far too seriously.

I wish I could take the lofty view that I understand all my eating demons, my slothful demons, my negative demons and I was strong enough to exclude them. Sadly, I can't banish them...not completely, but I can keep them down by writing about struggles and successes, laughing along the way (sometimes at my own hopelessness!) and hoping they balance each other out, even if I am 'doing it all wrong', 'thinking about it in a negative manner', screwing myself up and setting myself up for failure as some people out there would have me believe. I am finding my way. Nothing is set in stone.

There is room for all of us....getting it wrong or getting it right, feeling good or feeling bad. I for one like to read about your days and the way you approach the " I am obese and I don't want to be' problem.

Hope you are having a good 'un....but it's not imperative :)

Beating the Midnight Munchies!

2010-10-11T01:05:00.000+01:00

We are what we repeatedly do, excellence then is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle

Last night we went out to the theatre and when I arrived home my first thought was "What shall I eat?" It was late - about 11pm and I WAS feeling genuinely peckish.

I usually make myself a big mug of tea (whenever I come in from anywhere!) but last night I went straight to the bathroom, removed my make-up and cleaned my teeth.

Isn't it funny how we can find ourselves in "This is when I usually eat" situations? I'd always have tea and often a late night supper after a night out, but last night I consciously broke that habit.

Another habit I must break is checking my emails when I come in after a night out. For me, checking emails can lead to surfing, to finding interesting articles...and me getting my second wind and being wide awake! Then I find it hard to switch off and sleep properly. If I am online late at night I am usually thinking "FOOD" and my instincts are to make tea and and a plate of toast and honey.

Last night I could have murdered a couple of slices of thick fresh white bread, toasted, buttered and spread with honey. However, even though I couldn't get the thought out of my head I told myself eating at such a late hour was out of the question. Time and time again I felt I would break, I'd have my toast and tomorrow was another day. I'd rectify my mistake then. But - last night my thinking was..."I'll add to my daily calories, I am about to go to bed, I shan't burn it off, toast will add to my weight, and am I REALLY hungry or eating out of habit/greed? It was a real struggle until I cleaned my teeth. When I did, the temptation had vanished. I didn't succumb and when I went to bed I felt a sense of satisfaction that I hadn't ruined my 'healthy eating day' in any way - that I'd been in control even though all my instincts were screaming at me to indulge in a late night feast.

That's another target to add to my list. No eating after a night out, no snacking after 9pm...I am even toying with the idea of not drinking tea after 9pm, but that might be a step too far! I may even add no going to the PC to check emails/articles after 9pm. I'd probably be moving more if I didn't use my computer as much as I do.

Oh, I have lost another 2lbs...over...I am not sure how many days. I suspect the extra movement is making a difference.

My plan is a rather woolly one, but it is taking a shape of it's own because I am building on the small steps I am making, and I am also learning (ever so slowly!) to discipline myself. I have a wild inner child who believes in living recklessly and throwing caution to the wind. I have to tame the side of me that believes life is too short to forgo food pleasures.

This is my plan...which can be tweaked depending on what I have in the fridge.

Enjoy a healthy breakfast every morning, first thing. (Usually a very, very small portion of whole-grain muesli sprinkled with desert spoonful of hemp, sunflower seeds, pumpkins seeds, sesame seeds and flax. It fills me up, takes some chewing and rides rough-shod through my insides. (I may have to spend more on rolls of toilet paper.) I wash it down with tea (of course) but drink plain water mid-morning. Before I shower and dress I try to use the exercise bike for 30 minutes.

Lunch has to be a big salad wrap...with cold chicken/turkey/ham, lots of tomatoes and spinach, carrots, peppers, onions, black pepper and a dollop of low fat mayo. I may have a plain yogurt afterwards, or an apple.

I drink a pint of water every few hours.

I try to cut down (down, not out) on pasta, rice and potatoes in the evening, and eat whatever I fancy, ensuring I include vegetables. I never deep fry anything. The only thing I ever fry is an egg...and I do that rarely. I don't eat anything wrapped in pastry either. So dinner can consist of almost anything although I naturally go for healthy choices. Having said that last week I had a big baked potato with crispy skin, cut open and served with butter and black pepper.. Yum.

I don't need puddings. I find them too sweet..I prefer a low fat yogurt if I feel the need for 'more' and it satisfies that need. One thin slice of toast and honey (wholemeal bread) is allowed if I feel a craving coming on.

Another rule is that I have to go to bed at a decent hour. I feel so sluggish the next day if I skimp on the hours I sleep. Sadly I am an owl not a lark and I often feel weary first thing in the morning.

I still like doughnuts but I avoid them altogether. I will eat them again some day, but I may even find I don't want them at all. I will have the odd cake or biscuit and feel no guilt. It's only when I eat a large portion/too many that I beat myself up and know my weak side has gained a victory.This may be a once a week treat and I have to be in control and eat consciously.

I try to walk a few miles on most days. By the end of the week if I haven't done enough walking I am beginning to feel it. I actually feel sluggish and grumpy if I don't venture outdoors.

Now, I am going to try the old clean-your-teeth-to-stop-yourself-eating trick every single evening. I have to curb my late night snacking. It has to be a rule.

In fact, I have to have rules for myself which I enforce. I don't always enforce the rules. I am not hard enough on myself ;) I have to remember that if I imagine I am making sacrifices (I'm not, not at all) then I am doing it for me. As Michele pointed out in her reply to my last post, I have to treat myself well and look after myself properly. It's not an indulgence to do so.

The Woman Without A Coat.

2010-10-07T20:07:00.002+01:00

For the last five years I haven't really been able to wear a winter coat. Now, I am not the sort of woman who has to buy a new coat every year. A winter coat is a good investment that should last a good few years to my way of thinking (or am I being hopelessly old-fashioned and thrifty?)

Winter 2005 and my coat had become too small for me. The buttons were straining and it felt tight across the back and under the arms. I was feeling down and had been ill for much of the year. Now, my fuller figure and increase in weight left me coat-less. I'd also resigned from my job - for health reasons and had a much reduced income. It wasn't the best of years!

I decided rather than invest in a BIGGER coat I'd wrap up in cardigans and fleeces and if the day was cold, icy and grim I could put my light spring 'mac' over the warm layers. I had a brolly and boots. I'd be OK.

And for the last five years I have been OK. Fortunately I drive, so I am not often out in the elements when the weather is bad. Every winter I delayed buying a winter coat. I like my winter coat to be a wool one, a smart tailored one, and they tend to be expensive. Because I was bigger I decided I wouldn't buy a larger coat - after all, it would go to waste when I'd slimmed down. Not only that, there wasn't the cash to splash about any more, so I continued to improvise, thinking I'd treat myself to a new winter coat when I'd lost a bit of weight.

Ha. Ha. Ha. That was five years ago.

I am bigger now than I was in 2005 and since then I have been winter coat-less.

Today I went out to town and of course the clothes shops are full of winter wear. I eyed up some very nice coats. I liked the look of them. There were two in particular that I fell in love with. They looked just right!

So, I tried them on. We all know winter coats tend to be heavier and bulkier than other coats.

WAIL! WOE IS ME! <~~~ imagine tears flowing here.

I looked like the Incredible Hulk in both of them.

OK, so not exactly like him. I am not green-skinned.

I looked chunky and bulky and dumpy. Just huge. That's not false modesty. I didn't look good in them. They didn't feel good on me either. Those coats looked SO good on the hangers. When I looked in the mirror the coats seemed to make me look even bigger.

Today was one of those days when I really wished I was straight up and down and had no flesh on my bones. It would be so nice if clothes draped me, rather than clung to my lumps and bumps. I imagine fat people everywhere know what I mean.

I tend not to buy myself many clothes now, because no matter what I wear, if it looks good on the hanger, it doesn't look so good on me. I try to make the most of myself, and if anything, my 'cheer myself up' impulse buys these days tend to be bits of jewellery - costume jewellery - beads, bangles and sparkly things - not stuff from Cartier.

Ah well. Another year without a coat.

Next year I intend to buy one. Watch this space :)

I suppose there is some truth in this ~ "The expression a woman wears on her face is far more important than the clothes she wears on her back." ~ Dale Carnegie

How Structured Are Your Days?

2010-10-04T13:46:00.000+01:00

Well, somewhere along the way, I've lost weight. Three pounds to be precise (or not very precise actually as I don't own a digital scale.) I feel lighter, and strangely, my shoes feel looser! I blog but like my scale I don't tend to do detail as far as weight loss goes. In fact, one day last week I lost my scale. It was hidden under a pile of fresh laundry I'd dumped in my bedroom. I have to say, I didn't start frantically searching for it! :)

I am not sure that I get much of a thrill from seeing the number go down. To my mind, jumping on a scale too often indicates a preoccupation with weight loss...and being preoccupied with what I eat and how I move does make me a bit irritable. It just doesn't seem natural. I have spent nearly half a century without being overly concerned with my weight. I'd rather not be conscious of it all, even though I am aware that it's my aim to get some of this fat off my frame. In truth, it was all the hospital weigh-ins that I had so frequently in 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009 which made me aware that my weight had crept up to an all-time high. (I was bed and house-bound and in pain for much of that time, so it's not surprising, but it's incredible how lack of movement can change a body so much!) Then, one Doctor mentioned heart-attacks and strokes because I was over-weight, and as my Mum used to say, "That put the willies up me!" (It was an innocent saying. I am sure there was no rude intention :) Mum never ever made reference to sexual stuff!)

Now, when did I last record my weight? I am not sure. Go back a few weeks may be? I know some people keep spread sheets and detailed records. I don't like that sort of detail. We are all different. I think my main preoccupation is that life goes on and it will not be governed by the food in front of me or the choices I have to make...nor will gym sessions be something I feel obliged to do. I have to eat and move..move lots more..and be aware that I need to lose weight...so choices have to be sensible. As I have said before, a restrictive diet and 'forbidden foods' will be my un-doing. The process has to be as natural as possible - and you may have noticed that my progress isn't exactly speedy. I am OK with that I think. (Some days I want instant results...on others I just shrug.)

I do have all sorts of mental battles raging though, and I want to eliminate those as well. I am good at guilt-tripping myself...."I ought to, I should, I really mustn't ...etc" still figure quite largely in mental conversations with myself. I know I am capable of saying "To hell with this!" and eating all before me and not caring. I know I am not as careful as I should be when I eat out, but I want to find inner peace too. I want this weight-loss process to feel perfectly natural...and not a plan of action forever at the front of my consciousness, which I can either adopt or neglect.

If I could, I'd turn the clock back to the days when I was 'average sized' - not fat but not thin. I had a frame with flesh on it, but no bulges or spare tyres of fat. I had one firm chin, and no bat-wings below my upper arms. Then I was always rushing about. I didn't do formal exercise, ever, apart from swimming for pleasure when we went on holiday. I'd walk everywhere and not spend the hours sitting at a computer as I do now, because home computers just weren't around! I lived in the days before televisions had remote controls! I didn't pass my driving test until I was 35, so I pushed my babies everywhere in their buggies. We walked for miles. I was much more house-proud then (energy begets energy?) and I tackled the garden with gusto too. I am older now, but back then I didn't tire easily and the days were always busy. Now, I could be busy but I seem to have no motivation to be busy just for the sake of it. Does that make sense? Having too much spare time and no money can be counter-productive to those trying to lose weight! Food punctuates the long days unless I take myself away from the kitchen and the house. I know just where and how the weight piled on and now I have to reverse that process, but I am finding it hard to do other things, given my main passions are reading and writing!

Now my days are what I make them. They have very little structure. I have to create a structure or I could idle about all day. I don't have set times to do anything, except get up out of bed in the morning. Nothing is urgent any more, and with more leisure time I ought to be able to devote time to me..but....I have never been the sort of woman who went in for pampering or beauty treatments. I still hate visiting the hairdressers and making small-talk. Oh I can do it - I am very chatty, but I'd rather not be stuck in a chair and feeling obliged to discuss my weekend plans.

Son is home to keep me company. I was up bright and early as usual, listening to the radio, ironing shirts and making a packed lunch for son..(turkey sandwiches using wholemeal bread, a small box of salad, an apple, a banana, a small bunch of grapes and a cereal bar) and once number one son was out of the house I made breakfast for me and son no 2. I had mine, at 8am, in my dressing gown, with a pot of tea, watching re-runs of Frasier on TV! Bliss! I am lucky in so many ways and something that still holds so much pleasure for me is not having to rush out of the house at the crack of dawn, to drive in rush-hour traffic to a demanding job. The novelty still hasn't worn off, after five years at home.

However, the day stretches out before me, and I have to structure it. I could set aside time for exercise, but in doing that I'd feel put out, grumpy.....angry that it has to be done. No...I do it when the feeling takes me, which I know is wrong, wrong wrong...but the feeling can come over me at any time. I'll find myself jogging on the spot whilst the kettle boils for tea, or doing overhead stretches while I listen to the radio and wait for the bread in the toaster to pop out. I have movement on my mind and even tiny spurts of it seem to invigorate this woman with a hatred of formal exercise sessions! :)

Although there are many jobs around the house demanding attention, I never feel inclined to do them! I really could laze my day away, but I'd be doing myself no favours. I need a boss! :)

Oh well, I am off out for a walk. I have done my computing for today and my writing too. I have a "Get Well Soon" card to buy for a friend in London, some medication to pick up for son just out of hospital and a couple of letters to post. I shall walk to the Post Office to buy stamps and take a long detour back home over the fields. There is a huge lake there and I'll take some crusts of bread to feed to the ducks and swans. I really ought to take my camera out with me when I walk. I love looking at pictures posted by other bloggers.

Just hope it doesn't rain! It's looking very overcast out there!

Wherever you are, I hope your day is going well and isn't too pressured.

Problems? What Problems?

2010-10-03T15:21:00.000+01:00

Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some ~ Charles Dickens.

I am not sure what to call this post. All I know is, when life comes along and pushes me over, I never want to eat. Worries consume me and I pick at food. Meals hold no joy for me. (Oh don't get me wrong. When I am bored or just feeling discontented or 'bleugh' I keep going into the kitchen looking for food. I can eat then to relieve my boredom.)

Food. It's a bugger, isn't it? We need it. We have to get our nutrients from somewhere, so in a sense, it's our fuel. A starving person - one without the 'fuel' which is readily available to us - isn't likely to be rushing around or agitated. Sigh. When I write things like that I immediately have the mental pictures of men, women and children who are bags of bones, with such sad, blank expressions on their faces - looks of hopelessness. All they can do is look without interest or curiosity at the prying cameras filming them, and I am fighting back the tears now.

It seems so selfish and self-obsessed to be writing about my conflict with food, my greed, my fatness when food isn't available to so many people. All they can do is sit and wait for compassion, for aid, when really, I am sure they'd rather be farming, producing their own foods and living in a world which is fair, where they can barter for the things they need...where medical intervention is readily available.

My own son has been in hospital this week and it was painful for me knowing he was sick. He was taken back in on Friday night and given huge doses of antibiotics and put on drips so that he wouldn't dehydrate. A fan was placed by his bed to cool him down and he was given medication to get his temperature down.

How it cuts me up when my children suffer in any way. The parent trap is always there isn't it? Kids worry about their elderly parents too. Parents worry about their children until their dying day, I am sure. How much harder must it be for those parents sitting on the parched earth, and waiting for aid, cradling their starving children and watching them slowly lose their fight for life? Those children have no parental guidance or love...just existence and the people around them who produced them, slowly fading, withering away. Life holds no joy for anyone. They haven't the energy to wail or cry out about the unfairness of it all...they can only wait and accept the inevitable.

It's an unfair world and I know individuals cannot shoulder all the ills of it or take on the global guilt, but occasionally we do need a jolt of reality to help put things into perspective.

Yesterday I walked the few miles to the hospital. I have no car right now and don't like waiting for buses so it became my exercise for the day. (Every cloud has a silver lining.) At least I didn't have to walk to the well for clean, drinkable water. I brought my son fresh clothes, a toilet bag, a magazine, some grapes, some bananas and a bottle of orange juice. In hospital he was well fed and well looked after. I could leave knowing he was in a good place. My man took me out for dinner later on and all I could do was play with the food on my plate. My mind was elsewhere, wishing I could mend my son. I didn't want wine - fizzy water was all I needed to quench my real thirst. Things were turning over in my head. I thought in the grand scheme of things, my trying to lose weight wasn't exactly a major event. It really didn't deserve to preoccupy me as it has been doing. It's no big deal really. I either lose it or live with it...and I have a choice.

In many ways, I ought to rejoice that I have fat on my body..that the fat I carry can be lost, broken down, used up. I have eyes to see, ears to hear and a body which works - although it's not 100% good in terms of chronic complaints which need medication. It all works. I also have a good working brain. I have shelter, clean water and a supermarket down the road selling all the foods I need. My doctor's surgery is half an hours walk in the other direction. I am typing this in the comfort of my own home. I have a computer and can access places far away in the world. I can communicate with fat people globally and we can tell each other how we struggle. I can gain inspiration from people who have lost weight. We may have enormous bodies...(or ones bigger than we'd like to have) but our problems, when put into perspective are usually far from enormous.

My son came home at lunchtime today. I walked down to the hospital with my other son to collect him and we took a taxi home. (Apparently the risk of catching the MRSA bug is always a concern of late so turnover of patients is quite fast.) He is home and I can nurse him here. He'll mend.

So today I am saying - forget your fat. Stop obsessing about your weight, your shape, your food, your exercise routine. It doesn't really matter. Just do it..or don't do it. Go through the motions or choose not to, but don't make it a bigger deal than it really is.

I have said it before, and I'll say it again. We are bloody lucky if one of our major hang-ups is our shape...if we have grown big because we have eaten too much and lounged around too much.

Charles Dickens above wisely stated that we've all had misfortunes. It's part and parcel of living. Some have easier lives than others. Some will continue to struggle, some will overcome problems. Times change, life goes on - or it ends. In blogging my main preoccupation is finding the motivation to be true to the cause...and the cause in this case is losing weight. How silly is it that a reading on the scale can make me miserable? Really. Does it matter THAT much?

I tend not to think too much about the health of my boys...counting every day in which they are well and have gone about their business as good days. There are more good ones than bad ones. They really are my big worries...(show me a mother who doesn't worry) and when days are good, worry is a wasted emotion. It solves nothing and doesn't change the situation. I consciously refuse to worry.

Perhaps that's why in my blogging I seem a bit blasé about the whole 'losing weight' deal. I am not sure how much it matters to me. Having said that, I know it's a health issue, and being responsible for my well-being is what keeps me going.

I am sure we all have our problems...and some of you may be suffering in a big way. I wish you well and hope you find peace soon. Life can be cruel. However, if today is just another day and there is nothing pressing on your mind to cause you to fret and worry, count your blessings and enjoy your day. Do something with it.

I count my blessings...and when I do I gain some perspective. There is lots wrong in my life, but heck of a lot which is right, and on the whole, my problems are minor ones, or at least ones I can live with. I can also lose my fat and change my shape should I choose to. I am blessed to have that option really.

Have a good day folks. Look for all the good in your life. Live for the day. It really does help.

Highs and Lows and Losing the Momentum, etc.

2010-10-01T11:11:00.000+01:00

Morning all. Something which features quite a lot in my blog writing is my changing moods/attitudes.
On some days I am all fired up and willing to keep working on myself, on others I want to throw in the towel and find it all too much like hard work.

Oh those mood swings. I hasten to add they are all internal. I tend to be fairly laid back in my dealings with the world and other people. No mood swings in relationships as such...just these internal memos to myself which are sometimes negative. I just don't seem able to use the good results of watching what I eat and moving more to motivate myself to carry on. I read other blogs and I discern determination, fortitude, stamina, positivity, get-up-and-go and success.

Is it an age thing I wonder? Has my cynicism about the diet industry as a whole and how it messes with our heads wormed it's way into my own plans for losing weight and becoming healthier? I know deep down I don't want to be fat any more. That's a fact. I feel fat and I see myself as fat. I can make myself miserable because of it. (That's not self-loathing either...I just don't play 'positive at any cost' mind games with myself.)

OK, so feeling down about being fat and middle aged - what should I do? The educated woman in me says accept yourself as you are, and then you have a choice. You can moan about it and carry on not really liking your body much, or you can work towards finding a solution to this problem. The solution is to look after myself better, to care about myself and to practice self-love, and I do that by planning every single meal, and gearing myself up to get out of the house, simply to move.

Sounds like a simple plan and a sensible plan...and it sounds like the recipe for success. It would be IF I could keep myself charged up with enthusiasm for it! (Isn't this a common problem? I suspect it is.)

THAT is the problem. My enthusiasm wanes...and I know why it does too I think. My enthusiasm wanes because happenings in my life suck it out of me...deplete my 'enthusiasm' and mess with the internal drive to look after myself better. If I were a computer I'd be broken because a virus has wormed it's way in and it's preventing the machine from operating properly.

In the space of five days I have gone from feeling on top of the world to being the woman at the bottom of the mountain looking up. I have become the reluctant climber. My back-pack weighs heavy and the mountain I have to climb looks enormous. I can try to climb it or find the group of people messing about in base camp.

At the weekend I was carefree. I was surrounded by friends, adventures, activity, hustle and bustle and I fully engaged in all that was going on without even thinking about it. I felt some guilt because I didn't concentrate 100% on making healthy food choices, although I didn't go mad or consume a vast amount of food. On the days that followed I felt fired up to be outside, moving and doing and eating well. So where has that feeling gone?

Today all I want to do is laze about...eat anything I want to and have no pressure on me at all, no one wanting me or needing me to do anything. The house is a mess and I don't even want to clean it up. Niggling guilt is getting to me as well. I feel 'it's all too much' and my welfare is low on my list of priorities. Know what I mean?

For the last three days I have been nursemaid to one of my sons who has been very ill. He spent a night in hospital, has antibiotics and at home he has lost his appetite and need lots of painkillers. OK, so I can cope with that....I have done when it's happened in the last 23 years. It's nothing new. Both my boys have medical conditions which can be exacerbated when they become ill. That's life and I have to get on with it, but now I am older those sucker punches knock me out, deflate me..make me want to sit and dwell on all that is unfair. He's over the worst now. I haven't turned to food, but then again, I haven't planned meals or activity either. I have mooched about feeling fed up and thinking "Why bother?" Last night my daughter and my man were going to come to dinner and I cancelled it. I just didn't want to cook or entertain.

It's like I have to wind myself up time and time again before I can operate well. I wind down and (if we want yet another metaphor,) I am like a top which has stopped spinning and has toppled to it's side.
Writing about it has helped, so if you've read this far, thanks. I am not sure if life affects us all in this way, draining us when it becomes difficult (as it surely will.)

So...in conclusion I'd say when life is good and fun we get involved and enjoy ourselves.

When life becomes difficult most of us are able to keep going and work through it, but it saps our enthusiasm for self-care and for lots of things, no matter how 'strong' we are, how resilient we are. (I exclude clinical depression here. That's a different ball-game usually needing medical intervention, drugs and counselling etc.)

When life just 'is' - ie: normal, not good, not bad, just everyday, we get on with what we have to do and don't think about it too much. We trudge on, seeing to our duties and our routine is in place. We have a life plan regarding eating and exercise and we follow it, experiencing the occasional blip, but for the most part we stay on course because we can focus some of our attention on ourselves.

Life will always have highs and lows. That's how it works...Having written this, I appreciate that we all need to have resources of self-love that we can call on when times are difficult. It shouldn't mean an end to looking after ourselves, or a lack of effort on our behalf, or indeed the throwing in of the towel.

Bad times don't hang around forever. That's all I know. I have had lots and lots of them, probably more than my fair share, but so far, I have weathered the storms. That's what we have to do I conclude. We have to go with the flow, recognising the good and the bad and sit it out if necessary. We don't always have to be 100% on plan. It's natural to have OFF days. We won't always be able to operate at peak performance and that is OK. It doesn't mean that our plans for ourselves have been destroyed. It may take a while, a very long time before we bounce back, but that's fine too. The clouds lift eventually and we have to remember that. We matter.

Hmmm. Message to myself: Thank you Grump. You've just talked (written) yourself into a better mood because you've dredged up some understanding about how you, (and perhaps most bloggers here?) function when life isn't a barrel of laughs.

Who says blogging isn't theraputic? :)

Onwards folks. Onwards. It's a new day. x x x

Secret Chocolate, Fat Misery.

2010-09-28T17:31:00.001+01:00

I have had another weekend away - this time with 'the girls' - my old friends from University days, who now live in various places throughout England and like me, have aged since we were last together in the 1970s. We got together for a reunion in London and we had a great time. It was very good to catch up with them all. Facially, we all look the same as we did back then...all were easily recognisable - and it might be a sad fact, but we nattered on and laughed together as though we were still excited young women in our late teens!

I'd forgotten how busy it gets in London. Hordes of people rushing about, every pavement crowded with bodies, every street filled with cars, buses, taxis, coaches..and bicycles. And tube stations? Wow. We were like sardines packed into a can on the underground trains! It was all hustle and bustle and it was very tiring. We went to lots of places and whenever possible we walked from one tourist trap to the other, so we covered miles (and miles!) on foot. I was of course the fattest of them all. (Big sigh.) However, I was definitely as fit as they were. I climbed right up into the dome of the British Museum, where the upper galleries are, with no trouble. OK, so I was panting when I got to the top, momentarily but I took all those (marble) stairs without stopping. I enjoyed the walking too and even went off on my own for a a brisk walk through a nearby park rather than wait in an admission queue on Sunday morning. The girls laughed and reminded me we'd all done enough walking but I took myself off anyway. The sun was shining and it seemed a waste of time to be queuing up. The girls assured me they didn't mind queuing while I walked. I'd rather walk than stand still.

So with stairs (lots of them, everywhere) and almost three days of much walking I got in my 'exercise'. We had to eat too though...and we went to some fantastic restaurants and coffee shops. I can only say that I ate no more than anyone else, and because I am a slow eater, I think I left more on my plate too rather than hold them all up. I do tend to talk so I ought to concentrate on eating rather than yapping! :) Not one French fry passed my lips though, nor a burger...In fact, we didn't do fast food at all..or snacks although we did sit down mid-morning for a coffee, and some cake. We also had meal breaks in museum cafes etc, and I chose sensibly. Our evening meals were lovely and I ate sensible portions and didn't pig-out. We didn't have too many vegetables and the only fruit I had was the banana I travelled down with, (it wasn't a good companion..very quiet) and the apricots in a Turkish pudding! I had four glasses of wine over the whole weekend, so all in all, it wasn't a blow-out, in terms of eating, although it wasn't 'diet food' either.

Anyway. I have discovered that exercise begets exercise. I felt VERY tired yesterday after a busy weekend and all the walking and travelling. I was knackered in fact. I did however have the urge to get out in the fresh air. It would have been easy to have a 'duvet day' in front of the TV but I didn't. I made a shopping list and walked to the supermarket, and then with shopping bags weighed equally on both sides, walked up the long hill back home. It's very interesting that you don't see women (or men) doing the physical work of shopping any more. I was a lone walker...everyone else took their bags from their trolley and stashed the shopping in the boot of their cars. This middle aged, weighed-down woman walked back and at a reasonable pace. I quite enjoyed the outing and the incorporated 'weight-lifting'. Later, I also did half an hour on the bike whilst I watched television. Blimey! Anyone would think I was training for the Olympics! Serious stuff! ;-)

Today I gladly accepted an invitation from a friend to go for a swim. She is a member of the swanky gym I joined (and hardly used) when I was working. I do like swimming but lack the inclination to go on my own. The cost is also prohibitive. It's a luxury I just can't afford, but my friend had a guest pass, so we swam up and down, lengths and lengths of the pool and then went into the huge jacuzzi for a soak. I felt invigorated afterwards...and squeaky clean! :)

I have to get my eating in order though. Yesterday when I was sorting out clothes, I moved a box of blankets from behind the bedroom door, only to find a chocolate Easter egg, unopened, secreted inside. I always buy chocolate eggs for the youngsters I know - and my grown kids who still expect them! Last Easter I must have over-calculated how many I'd need, so stashed away a spare one. See...I can forget about hidden chocolate.

Hmm. Nice find. Would go well with a cup of tea to wash it down thought I. I didn't eat it all in one go (what a relief chocolate doesn't go off immediately because this had been there since the beginning of April!!) because I do find chocolate quite sickly. In fact, I had a nibble here, and a nibble there, and I am not sure why. It's sweetness tempted me at the time. Today there is over half a chocolate egg in the kitchen. I may keep it to have a bite now and then. I tried to think of a sweet substitute for chocolate to have instead but I found myself lured to the texture of the chocolate. Sweet meltiness....I had to tuck in.

I must be mad. It would have been easier to throw it away or to hand it over to the boys to share, but no, this was my find, my treat...my forbidden food. Fortunately I'll be able to eat it over the week...a bite here, a bite there so the damage to my calorie intake won't be massive.

No...cancel that. Last time I had a mouthful of that OLD Easter Egg the sweetness was just too cloying and over-powering. I wasn't even enjoying it!

Executive decision made. The Easter Egg is being dumped in the bin and covered with wet tea-bags and veg peelings. I shall go and throw it away now.

Job done. Egg binned. I DO want to lose this weight. I have exercised and at home I'll eat well. Why would I sabotage my own efforts?

One last thing. Today my friend emailed me and attached photos of us sitting in the cafe on Saturday morning. It was a happy time, full of laughter.

OMG. Guess who looked large and bloated? Me. Despite my hair being coloured and trimmed, and despite my wearing my best white cotton blouse and black trousers, and despite my full make-up, I looked awful. I was the token 'Big Woman'. It was nice to see my friends smiling back at me from the picture, but all I could see was the big woman with a round pink face in a white tent desperately trying to get one shoulder behind the woman to her side. Her (puffy) face was smiling but I could see the uncomfortable feelings etched on her expression and in her piggy eyes. (My eyes ARE piggy and my face is fat. I am not beating myself up. I can live with the truth.) Why did she have to be nearest to the camera? Why wasn't she half hidden by the table? Why did the stupid cafe owner taking the photograph stand near to her when he arranged us for a group shot? Would her arms arranged 'like this' cover up the fatness of her middle? Why did she have to be sitting side-on to the camera with her round fat back on display?

Hanging on to an old Easter Egg just because it's there? What's that all about? I am behaving stupidly. I have to discipline myself. THAT sort of behaviour means the day when I feel comfortable having my photograph taken remains in the distant future. Looking at that photo was PAINFUL. It took some of the gloss off the great girly weekend. On Sunday we parted, promising to get together again next year. If I am not slim by then I only have myself to blame. That's a goal which ought to be reached.

“The major reason for setting a goal is for what it makes of you to accomplish it. What it makes of you will always be the far greater value than what you get.” ~ Jim Rohn

Me Or The Monster?

2010-09-22T11:27:00.002+01:00

I am getting into this. You may have noticed I don't talk about my weight much - not in terms of pounds and ounces anyway. That's because I don't weigh myself very often. I don't have a weigh day. What I tend to do is step on the scale at odd moments - usually every week or so...at random times. Often I have gained weight - a pound or two...sometimes I have lost weight..so I try to make my lowest weight my new sticking point. That guides me for my next 'loss' although in between times I can gain weight too! I have an old scale, not a digital one so it's all a bit vague, and unless I am wearing my glasses I might as well not peer at the dial because I can't make out the numbers.

It's all a bit haphazard, isn't it? :) Still, it suits me. A regular weigh in and pounds gained would play games with my head.

All I know is, for the most part I am eating sensibly. I am conscious of the food around me and I tend to go for low fat, low sugar, high fibre options. I am drinking more water and I am ensuring I am more active than usual. (I have said before, now the pressure is off me I can spend my days doing nothing much at all, and nice though it is, that doesn't burn calories!) I am conscious of the times I spend just sitting (usually at the PC.) I break up these times deliberately. I'll jump on the exercise bike, run up and down the stairs several times to get my heart racing, turn up the music and dance or find a household chore to do which involves bending, stretching, moving etc. I even go out into the garden and even if I only spend ten minutes weeding/cutting/clearing/sweeping it all adds up. Often I'll walk to the supermarket or across the nearby fields and I've planned a circular route in another direction too, just to give me some walking variety. I'll jump on a bus and walk and walk and walk around the shops....spending little, moving lots. Again, I could do more. I could go for hard work-outs at the gym, but I actually HATE doing that sort of stuff, so I have avoided it..and haven't really gotten into exercise DVDs at home either. If it's labelled 'exercise' I tend to squirm. If I call it extra daily movement, I am OK. Weird, I know.

I am feeling a little bit lighter. It's a good feeling. It's been a while since I recorded my weight but another two pounds has gone. (That's two pounds in about three weeks, during which time I gained four, which I've shed, so not earth-shattering, but it's a loss and it's OK. I am not in a race..)

I have been surprising myself these last few days. Again I have been reading the thoughts of others on this weight-loss journey and some things strike me as being so apt. One of my major problems is lack of self-control around food. Not binging, but allowing myself calorific treats, often. I can have 'sensible eating' days around the treats, so I am not going off course particularly, but I am not practicing proper restraint either. My moderation is too moderate :)

I have the option of having the goody in front of me 'because I am worth it and I fancy it' or going without and choosing a low calorie alternative. I can do this, with no great trauma involved, but nine times out of ten I'll go for the treat. What if I halved the times I allowed myself the indulgence? What if the indulgence became a once a week affair? There are so many ways I can deal with 'deprivation' issues without actually feeling deprived. This is key to my plan. NOTHING is off limits. Let's face it, I have lived for over half a century. I am not sure how long I have got left but eating and enjoying food, and treats, is going to be part of my life. There is NO WAY I am spending my remaining time on earth (who knows, I could get another 40 years or more!) practising strict restraint and telling myself 'No. You can't have it.'

That is just not going to work for me.

I am sure inside every fat person there is an eating monster which has to be tamed, brought under control. Does it have to be a life-long struggle, because let me tell you, I am here to enjoy life. Having a ready-reckoner in my head forever and a day just seems so sad...

I do know that the less you indulge in favourite foods, the weaker their influence on you becomes. I also know that one simple way of ensuring I eat healthily more than I indulge is to keep indulgences out of the house. If I have one of my raging "I am hungry - what can I eat???" episodes, (more about boredom than hunger I suspect) I'll have to grab a yogurt or a banana..because there is nothing else to satisfy my sweet tooth. The feeling is sated, and passes.

I am aware that I made the mistake of buying TWO wholemeal, seeded loaves the other day because they were on special offer. One stayed out, the other I froze. The one which stayed out was HUGE. These loaves don't stay fresh for long, so I found myself snacking on it and getting through quite a bit of delicious, tasty bread, toasted...with low fat spread and honey. (Who needs doughnuts when you can have toast and honey?) That on it's own became lunch. I was aware that I could get through a whole (huge) loaf in a couple of days, so I surprised myself yesterday by going for the hummus in the fridge and dipping whole, washed carrots in it. A lazy snack, but a healthy one. The sweet crunch of the carrot involved lots of chewing, and lo and behold, afterwards I wasn't hungry and my jaw had been sufficiently exercised! I told myself, no more bread - at least not for now. I'd been busy in the garden, getting quite a good work-out cutting back shrubs, pulling up annuals, getting rid of dead looking perennial leaves etc and shredding branches and carrying the debris to the compost bin. I was tired and (really) hungry so needed a quick, easily available bite. Carrots and hummus worked for me. I washed them down with two glasses of water because I couldn't be bothered to make tea....and I felt OK and wanted nothing more. I had two dried apricot halves later in the afternoon. Today my quick stand-by is oat cakes and cottage cheese. Grab-able, edible within seconds.

Slowly, slowly my choices (and options) are becoming sensible and I am not squealing and fighting it - I am taming my eating monster and taking back control. I know I can still have treats - I intend to - but if I have lots of healthy stuff easily to hand too that will suffice. I think we make a hobby of eating...we enjoy the activity...so when I stop to indulge my hobby the monster can take over or I can be in charge. That point is crucial. A decision has to be made. Who is in control? In a split second I could reach for the poor option, so just a minute of reflection, before preparing food has me stopping in my tracks. We all know that weight loss begins in the mind.

Crucial to weight loss I think, (this is what's dawning on me) is the belief that I CAN do it. I had been feeling annoyed that I HAD to exercise control...and I was telling myself it was OK to just eat (given that most things in the house aren't too damaging.) I can control myself despite all the urges, after all, my food shopping is so much better these days. However, I have to practice that control. Let's face it, TWO big loaves of yummy, tasty seeded bread WILL get eaten, mainly by me, if it's there for the taking. A couple of carrots with hummus or a couple of slices of toast and honey? Guess which will win unless I challenge the monster? The eating monster takes over every time. I got a kick out of winning - beating the monster to the decision-making process. Silly, but just a little self-control felt good. I drank water afterwards and then just got on with my day. If I play my new game every time I go to eat - 'Me or the Monster' - then it seems to be working! That brute won't win and all I have to do is stop in my tracks for a few seconds to gain an advantage and the more sensible choice is just as enjoyable.

I made some vegetable soup for dinner yesterday - or for a 'quick eat' when the boys came home from work. I served it with wedges of that lovely loaf, so it's gone. Phew! Later, we had a small garlic chicken pizza each - shop bought individual ones. (Again I'd kept busy in the evening, so bunging a pizza in the oven and serving it with salad - and jacket potatoes for hungry young men - was the extent of my culinary prowess.) I was aware of the grease on top when it was cooked. I laughed as I tried that Ben Stiller thing (as in 'Along Came Polly') when I used kitchen paper to soak up the excess fat. I ate my pizza..(with salad) but left the middle bit which was a bit soggy and doughy. I also left the crusts. As they sat in front of me for a while the Monster told me I could go back and nibble at them. I decided that the left-overs might be OK to pick at, but there was a good calorie saving still on my plate - perhaps a third of the pizza - so I got up and binned them. OK so pizza isn't a good food choice and I didn't particularly enjoy that one, but I dealt with it and minimal damage has been done. In fact, the pizza urge is satisfied for a good few months I'd say.

Every day brings new challenges and choices, but I am getting there in my own haphazard way....slowly....and life doesn't seem limited at all. Call out your monster today, and challenge him. Know that you won't be beaten.

"Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future." ~ Deepak Chopra

Happy?

2010-09-21T15:24:00.001+01:00

Wow. An award...another one. (I have been awarded others before, but wasn't sure how to pick them up. I thank you so much for thinking of me. Really appreciated. You'll see not a lot award-wise is featured on my blog, purely and simply because I am still growing my technological gene and learning about linking and stuff.)

Pure serendipity at work here. Yesterday I felt misunderstood and defensive. I wrote about it and immediately afterwards I checked out some of my favourite blogs. Just when I felt like giving up - my blog writing, at least - I visited my old friends (middle aged broads, like me...although I say that with apologies to Ms M who has a few years on me and J and B) over at Two Fat Girls Take Umbrage and there they were, nominating me for a 'happy' award. There are three of them actually, and I always enjoy their blog. It's like listening in on three friends having a natter about what's going on in their lives and how they are getting on in terms of weight-loss. Go see.

Now, there is a down-side to this award. I have to tell you about ten things that make me happy! Bugger. What are they playing at? I have given my blog it's 'GRUMPY' title for a reason and now I am going to blow my cover! ; )

Lots and lots of things make me happy, believe it or not, even though I go in for a bit of self-flagellation when I write. I'll throw off my self-loathing - just for today. (*Coughs* and *winks* at readers, stupidly, for she knows that at her age such complicated multi-tasking might lead to stress incontinence.)

Here goes. I'll be in a foul mood today after being forced into doing this....mutter, mutter, grumble etc. Bah humbug.

1) The seasons. I love the way we get four distinct seasons here in the UK. We get lots of rain too, but Spring blossom, warm Summer days and blue skies, the red, golds and yellows of the trees in Autumn and the bleak, stark beauty of Winter never fail to move me. Nature is awe-inspiring.
2) My children. My best work. I adore them, even though they are no longer kids and they still give me grief in one form or another. They take my heart with them wherever they go. My man too. He is such a great bloke - we met six years ago - and he has stood by me through thick and thin, and in sickness and health. We are engaged. They make me happy. I am blessed...I know that.
3) My cat. He is ginger and totally lacking in brain cells but he is so loving and furrily friendly. I love cats.
4) The sea. I am land-locked here in Warwickshire, (God's own county) but I adore being at the water's edge, looking to the horizon. Give me a deserted beach, a good breeze and I feel at so spiritually at home.
5) Writing. I enjoy writing and write lots. Sadly my arse has become huge because I sit and indulge in this hobby - often.
6) Music. I couldn't live without music I don't think. I have eclectic tastes depending on mood. I'll weep to moving arias, sing along with the Hallelujah Chorus, feel lifted by Mendelssohn, pretend I know about mountain life when John Denver sings, jig about to Candy Man and Poker Face, step out with pretend hat and cane to Sinatra's 'New York, New York' and play air guitar to Black Sabbath and Led Zep. This I do when the kids aren't about, (I count it as a work-out) as they find their middle aged mother a complete embarrassment when she moves to music. Gits.
7) Tea. Nectar of the Gods. Served in a bone china mug. Nuff said. Hope someone is brewing up as I write...
8) Being alone. I am very gregarious but part of me NEEDS solitude. Time alone is precious...I read, think, observe, just 'be' and it's restorative. I have told man that if we buy a house together it must have an east wing for me and a west wing for him. If it doesn't, he'll be relegated to the garden shed ;-)
9) My garden. I have planted lots in it over the 28 years I have lived in this house. Every plant, bush, tree is special. It's a sun-trap too so I'll sit out and think. As I've grown larger, tending to it has become a bit of a chore. (Good reason to ensure I regain my fitness methinks.)
10) Art galleries. I used to paint, (must start again) so I enjoy looking at works of art. I like the 'feel' of galleries and museums...and bookshops. Good way to spend time.

So, there you go. Deep down inside, (despite my fat body, which has served me so well and been the 'grow-bag' for three children,) I am content. All I need is a magic wand to change one or two things, but as I know magic wands don't exist I'll carry on counting my blessings, working on changing the things I can and accepting my lot in life. It could be a whole lot worse.

Hey - make sure you do something which makes you happy today, eh? Life is fleeting and precious.

PS: I have to pass on this award too, and there are SO may bloggers I enjoy reading that picking just a few is hard. Instead, I'll cheat, and nominate The Bethany McDonald Memorial Blogroll http://memorialblogroll.blogspot.com/. Promise me you'll read a blog you haven't read before, and leave a reply of some encouragement if you can? Cheers.

Feeling Despondent.

2010-09-20T18:09:00.007+01:00

Having read around blog-land a bit, and in particular the blog-land of those concerned with weight-loss, it would seem that I am not doing this very well. According to others I am not only a 'fat-hater' but I am 'full of self-loathing' too :(

I wasn't aware I was those things, but some people reading my words endow me with those attributes. I am shocked, I have to tell you.

I had to take a step back. Not only did I feel hurt and misunderstood, I felt slightly bewildered too.

I have said (as have thousands of people writing about their fat bodies) that I don't like the way I look. Did you like looking at your reflection or at photographs of yourself when you were at your fattest? No? Well, no surprise there. Does that mean that you are full of self-loathing and can't pick up on all that is wonderful about you too?

I also was shocked by photographs of me looking fat and lumpy. I do not like the way I look right now, nor do I like the impact my weight is having on the chronic medical conditions I have either. That's why I am trying to lose weight. Common sense dictates that it's the sensible way forward. Societal pressure and the advent of the size zero model have absolutely nothing to do with that decision. At my age (mid fifties) there is no way I intend to emulate stick-thin women, nor would I want to if I were younger.

I abhor the whole 'diet industry' (yet I am a 'fat-hater' according to some) and the rise and rise of the 'perfect woman' as depicted by those who believe realistic and informative journalism is giving us photograph after photograph of rich, wealthy and slim women with handbags which cost hundreds of pounds. Go away. Bugger right off. Vomit-inducing. Not interested.

I just want to be a healthy size, a healthy weight and to feel better about myself.

Oh...any of you out there had your confidence knocked tremendously because of your fatness?

Any of you feeling self-conscious of your rolls of fat?

Any of you made miserable by your fat shapes?

Any of you ever become slightly reclusive and less out-going because of your weight?

I'll hold my hand up. I have read such things time and time again...hundreds of times. We are all full of self-loathing apparently. I'd say we have taken stock and worked out that being overweight isn't a particularly desireable state...for a myriad of reasons. Bright people aware of all the subliminal messages, the psychological impact of the repulsive "thin is better" world in which we live can also state quite categorically that being a big person is doing them no favours.

I've also read so many stories about people who have grown fat...for all sorts of reasons...(medication included, and I know about that myself) who don't want to be fat any more. Many say they aren't fully living their lives because they are an unhealthy weight. I'll count myself in to that group too.

I sit here and look down at my belly, sitting on my thighs as I type. Because I want to rid myself of it and tell you about it I am 'full of self-loathing.' I don't like the fat look on myself, therefore I am a fat-hater? Let me tell you now..it's not pretty. Because I am honest, I am a fat-hater? I just don't get it. I am being analysed beyond belief by some methinks.

Because I respond well to messages informing me that I need to buck my ideas up, to get off my arse and move a bit more I am a fat-hater and subscribe to societal pressure where skinny is what it's all about???? Do me a favour! This laid-back woman might have been a tree-hanging sloth in another life, let me tell you! I know all about making life comfortable for myself. My comfort zones are very comfortable....and I struggle to lose weight because of them. This makes me full of self-loathing and a fat-hater?

Don't insult me.

Me being me - I can be no one else after all - find wake-up call stories quite interesting and motivating. I can relate to them! The huge knickers hanging on the line, the jeans straining at the seams, the young girl dressing in black from head to toe because she is not as thin as her out-going girl-friends who are dressed to kill. They all strike a chord with me. Painful images. I am not going to analyse all that stuff and say I've been brain-washed by thin-world pressure to conform. Way back in the 1970s when size wasn't such a pre-occupation I was the girl who was chubbier than her friends....We are aware. I know all about comparisons (odious) and feeling insecure.

Go back to the beginning of my blogging and I tell you about one intelligent woman in California who kick-started this campaign of mine to lose weight. She is now dead. Her weight and the illnesses associated with being huge killed her. Her message..one which went through me like a knife at the time was - "Just do it!"

She said that if she only had eighty, one hundred or even two hundred pounds to lose she'd be out there every day fighting weight gain...with all her might, with all her heart, with all her being. It was too late for her. Her weight gain - for whatever reason - had been steady and she didn't stop it in it's tracks.

I can't speak for her, but I know my fatness worries me and depresses me. I count my blessings. I am more than a number on the scale after all. I am not thrilled that my weight has gone up and up and up. Who is??? I can stuff my face as a way of ignoring the problem and soothing myself. The more we eat, the more we want, the more attractive food becomes. We lose sight of what we are doing to ourselves because our major passion has become the desire to eat foods which are handy, pre-prepared and sold at junk-food outlets. Food is the drug of choice and like addicts we use it to calm ourselves and to make our world right for the few minutes or so that we indulge. It's a vicious circle. The more we eat the fatter we become. The fatter we become, the less we like ourselves and minor depression regarding our bodies grows and grows as our feelings of self-worth diminish. This problem isn't just about eating, but I suspect we all know that?

We know the theory. Every fuckin' one of us knows the theory or is aware of the patterns which impact on our lives. We lack the strength (for all sorts of reasons) to halt the decline so we eat another doughnut. If a doughnut had arms and legs and a voice it would cradle us gently and tell us everything was alright and that we really did have the strength to turn things around..that there were alternative paths to take. It would stroke our hair, rock us, and tell us what great people we were, despite our rolls of fat.

When we scoff that doughnut (and all the greasy, sugary, fattening foods that follow) we aren't talking to ourselves like that. I became fat and unhappy and I can only speak for myself - but from reading lots of blogs I KNOW there are lots and lots of people out there who are fat and that their fatness affects them.

Being overweight impacts on our lives in all sorts of ways. Now - does saying that make me sound like a woman full of self-loathing or a woman who is aware of what her fatness is doing to her? Does that sound like a person who is a fat-hater - thinking that being fat is a crime against our sensibilities - that fat is ugly and has no place in our world? I certainly hope not.

Being overweight IS affecting me....in many, many ways, some physical, some mental, despite all my talents, despite the wonderful people in my life and despite the brain of mine which abhors the 'being skinny is the only way to be' message which hits us time and time again where ever we are. I laugh, I contribute, I take part...I have problems, I have worries. That's life. I'll be the same me this weight or a smaller weight, and life will carry on, but my heart won't have to take so much strain, my blood pressure will return to normal, physical activity won't be as difficult and I won't want to hide behind other people when I have my photo taken. Where is the downside people?

My world will improve. Some problems won't vanish, many new ones will appear, but being mentally and physically stronger I know I'll cope with them better and won't want to resort to cakes because of them. That's the place I want to get to...and as I write this I hear that (huge) lovely, bed-ridden lady who is now longer with us, urging me to make it happen..telling me I CAN make it happen and that I SHOULD make it happen...not in the future, but NOW.

I want to look better. I want to feel better. End of.

I may be blunt, I may not be the sweeet, encouraging woman people want me to be, I may not be the cheer-leader full of positivity and sweet messages of hope but if my style indicates that I am full of self-loathing and that I am a fat-hater, then all I can say is - you just don't know me at all.

Self-deprecating humour is also a feature of my writing. I am often droll...and hopefully those who read me pick up on that. I laugh lots. Generally I am happy, but I want to be thinner and fitter....no happier, but proud of myself that I've tackled a problem which is worrying me, making me less than I can be. This is a personal reflection.

I was despondent when I started writing this post - I was going to stop writing - or even make my blog an 'invitation only' one, but now I feel more than a little angry that others have taken it upon themselves to label me in such a derogatory manner. Is it supposed to be constructive criticism?

I'll carry on being Fat Grump...and if you feel the messages I am sending out don't help you or other overweight people, then please feel free to ignore my blog. I remain exceedingly grateful for the feedback and encouragement I get in response to my witterings.

Have a good day folks. I intend to :)

Do We Need Competition?

2010-09-16T19:03:00.001+01:00

I have had a bit of a jolt over the last few days. I have felt a stir of unease...and yes, jealousy if I am being honest. People have succeeded where I have so far failed..or at least been messing around, and I have felt uncomfortable about my efforts.

Here's my get-out clause before I tell you about it.: I tend to like people generally. I wish those I know well, always. When they are happy, I am happy. In blog-land there are lots of people I don't 'know' but their efforts and successes really thrill me. When I read blogs and people are either doing really well, are full of purpose and determination, or successfully working their way through the slimming mire, I am delighted for them - truly pleased. In my head I am wishing them all the best or thinking "You can do this. I relate to what you are going through..."

I also find it really interesting to read their thoughts. It's impossible I think to have anything but good wishes for fellow bloggers who are trying to lose weight. We are all in this together. We may approach our problems from different angles, we may find different ways of succeeding, we may go at losing weight like a bull at a gate, or a snail in a garden full of greenery, (that one describes my efforts!) or somewhere in between, but our aim is the same. When a person is delighted because their body is shrinking, I am truly pleased for them. There is no envy...the success of others in blog-land is like a kick up the behind for me. I tell myself it IS possible to lose a lot of weight. It can be done.

So....why have I had my nose put out of joint recently?

Last week I called in to see a friend (an ex colleague) I haven't seen for a while - since March - and her daughter Angie made me a cup of tea whilst her mother ran out into the garden to take the dry clothes off the line as the heavens opened and the rain came down. She is 29 and an extremely bright and talented girl, friendly and outgoing, well qualified and holds down a good job, but in the almost twelve years I have known my friend, her daughter has always been extremely big. She was obese. Lardy. She waddled rather than walked and always seemed to have to catch her breath when speaking if she'd been moving for any length of time..and by that I mean movement around the house. (Sorry if that sounds cruel, but let's not pretend that isn't as it is.)

However..last week when I saw her it was VERY obvious that she had shed LOTS of pounds! WHAT A TRANSFORMATION! Angie is a pretty girl, but isn't it incredible how people really blossom when their fat suit shrinks? Her face wasn't puffy, she had just one chin and her lovely eyes weren't stuck in deep sockets under heavy lids any more. What was really noticeable was her shoulders. They weren't rounded any more. Her 'feck' (as she herself called it...her face/neck - just one body part!) had seperated. Her neck had grown! Her upper arms weren't massive and chunky, her back wasn't rounded, and her elbows were bony. She had a waist too! Now, she was by no means 'slim' (not yet!) but wow - she looked SO different, and so much more (it has to be said because it is the case) - attractive. Now I know the sisterhood isn't supposed to compare,...to believe that our fat makes us lesser people...but hold on. This very big young woman had lost a lot of weight and she did look amazing. She also looked, for the first time I'd known her, like a young woman..not someone past their prime. She looked so much better for losing weight. I congratulated her on her efforts. Angie was thrilled that I was so surprised. I told her she looked good. She did....and WAIL....I didn't!!!!!!

All of a sudden, I was the fattest person in the room. THUD. Horrible realisation that someone has lost weight and I haven't...well, not much. No one is noticing my missing lbs. I began to feel a bit uncomfortable......or was I jealous?

'The surest route to breeding jealousy is to compare. Since jealousy comes from feeling less than another, comparisons only fan the fires.'
~ Dorothy Corkville Briggs

Ooooh. I secretly felt some shame. Just telling it like it is. If Angie can really succeed in shedding the pounds, why haven't I? OK, so comparisons are odious, but I secretly vowed to increase my efforts. Of course, a few days later and the shock factor/shame element fades, and I continued to bumble on in my own sweet way.

Shock number two. I rushed out of the house early this morning to catch a bus. I was chairing a meeting in town. Who should be at the bus stop when I got there but my neighbour and good friend Janet. She is the same age as me. We'd become firm friends when our children were little, (we've known each other for about 28 years!) and in that time Janet and I have attended slimming clubs (I was only a little overweight - Janet had a lot of weight to lose) and together we bemoaned our less than trim figures and generally put the world to rights. She has been a wonderful, reliable friend and neighbour and although we don't see much of each other these days now the children have grown and we aren't tied to the house as much, when we do get together on rare occasions, we always have a laugh and enjoy catching up with each others news. . Janet always used to say I had very little to lose..I worked then, she was at home all day. My rushing about kept me slim(ish). Janet used to lose weight and gain it back..and then as she returned to work we didn't see each other as we usually did but when we bumped into each other we'd catch up.. but I hadn't seen her for a while..we are like ships that pass in the night of late. When I last saw her I was having a moan about my big body. Women together can do that...and we remain nice people...we always tell each other how wonderful we are too, but there is no denying our fat bodies tended to be what we would change if we could. I have gained a lot of weight this decade..most of it in the last six years and in many ways it has been beyond my control, but I didn't do anything about it either, when I was able to.

Eeek! as I approached the bus stop I was aware that Janet had lost a lot of weight too! Just like Angie, Janet was looking GOOD! (Why do people look younger when they lose weight???) Now she didn't look awful before, but all of a sudden, she looked 'transformed' and there is no other word for it! She told me her doctor had advised her to lose weight. She'd had a knee operation and had been suffering with pains in both knees and ankles for years. Her extra weight didn't help, but she found it hard to keep it off once she lost it. Now...she was looking slimmer than I'd ever seen her! I congratulated her on her efforts and told her how good she looked. She said she felt years younger for losing 40+ pounds. Like Angie, she has done it alone. There have been no special foods or slimming clubs - just sheer hard work and determination, a sensible eating plan and more exercise has brought about their smaller, trimmer figures. Janet had more weight to lose but she was much smaller than when I'd last chatted with her. She'd coloured her hair and styled it differently and I was really impressed. She said she felt like a 'new woman' and I was so pleased for her. She is a great woman and a lovely person. She glowed...she DID look like a new woman. All I know is, being fat has affected my confidence. I'd like to say it hasn't, but it has. Janet was delighted with her weight loss.

She got off the bus before I did and I was again left to reflect on my lack of loss. OK, so at least I am losing weight, and as I said before, comparisons with other women serve no purpose, but I did feel secretly jealous that they looked good and I didn't, particularly. OH life is about more than having a slim, trim body. I know that. But life in a fat body can be difficult too, as we all know. Again I resolved to grab the bull by the horns, be strict with myself, up the exercise, lower the calories....but as I write now, hours later, the initial impact of another person, a friend losing weight, has deserted me.

This is my struggle. I have to do it for me, and if anything, I have to be inspired by the efforts of Angie and Janet - two women who were bigger than me who are now smaller than me. Ouch. It stings....and makes me feel that I am lacking in some way. I am not. I just haven't given it my all as they have. Simple. My problem. The solution rests with me, and I know that and have from the day I consciously began to eat mindfully with the intention of losing weight and shaping up.

I know losing weight isn't a race and I know we all have to do it in a way which suits us, at a pace which suits us, but I really have thought about setting myself a few goals. Well, perhaps tomorrow, because erm..my daughter called round and left a packet of chocolate chip and hazelnut cookies for us as they were on special offer at her local supermarket. Did I need one with my last cup of tea? No. Did I have one - or two or three of them? Yes.

And I wonder why others are succeeding whilst I am crawling along taking off weight and putting it back on. Hey ho....no need to call Sherlock Holmes.

Anyway...these things have been on my mind today. I'll say here and now that I caught the bus today so I could go to a large government office and chair a meeting. (I am an independent member of the committee. I volunteered for the role, was interviewed and elected.) I did that successfully, even though the agenda was packed and the gathering of members loud and unsettled. I brought order to the proceedings and drew the meeting to a close skillfully. I'd done my homework, knew what were the pertinent parts up for discussion and steered the group away from the time-wasting blind alleys some were keen to go down. I felt proud and was thanked by the head of the service and the secretary taking notes. Both complimented my handling of a difficult agenda. That made me feel good and reminded me that we have to look for all the things in our lives which make up what we are. Our fat padding is temporary and doesn't alter the person inside. I do know however that two formerly fat (and lovely) women are feeling a whole lot better about themselves after shedding weight - and that I am - I really am, happy for them. I might not be where they are now, but I can get there. I know that.

I don't know if you identify with any of my thoughts - you may have a different way of looking at things, but I am aware a friend looking so much slimmer has the ability to unsettle me. I have recently seen two fat women shed pounds. All I can say is....blimey, their efforts were worth it! I am not competing. That would be silly, but perhaps my complacency has been shaken a little. My comfort zone is far too comfortable! :)

Does anything ever make you sit up and take notice, and then work harder in your efforts to lose weight?

Things are as they are. Looking out into it the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations. ~ Alan Watts

The Slimmer's Conscience.

2010-09-14T12:07:00.000+01:00

I am being lazy, blog-wise today, and posting the reply (with a few bits added) I gave to those good people who commented on my last offering. I sometimes feel I am living in a weight-loss limbo-land.

Thanks for all your thoughts folks :)

Strangely enough, I mentioned Sean's blog in my "I am going to do this!" post recently. He makes sense of all the dilemmas I face, and I am sure all of us trying to lose weight face them too!

Yes, Friday night was a bit wild, but unless we walk on the wild side occasionally I suspect we might as well say 'Cheerio World" and be measured up for that big pine box :)

Happy memories, the ones we create, are priceless I think. I shall smile whenever I think about black sambuca, and so will my friends. (You'll have to read my last post about wild debauchery if you want to understand the significance of the mention of that bad boy liqueur.)

It's about getting the balance right. I am STILL finding it hard to enjoy events because of the guilt I sometimes feel over my eating and drinking. I don't want to be constantly thinking about food. Life shouldn't be like this.

However, (I tell myself frequently) I am sure once we begin to practice restraint it becomes second nature to just go for the healthy choices. (Does it? Tell me it does! LOL)

Do we ever COMPLETELY lose that love of the foods we once indulged in though? This is why I try to include them every now and then. Fighting all my instincts on a daily basis really screws me up. All I can say is..my fat body saddens and depresses me enough to make me want to stay on the straight and narrow path.

I want to lose weight, and I need to lose weight (health concerns) and I guess life has to completely change for that to happen?

The eat less, move more equation is a simple one to grasp.

Living that equation isn't as simple unless we really throw ourselves wholeheartedly into a new lifestyle. If I am honest, I am still resisting. When do I find the passion for the cause?

Do I smack myself around the head for being a stupid klutz, or give myself a soothing cuddle because I am doing OK just as I am and once I get the hang of this healthy living malarkey there'll be no stopping me?

You know that "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" quotation that caused such a furore? It sent out such a mixed message. I understand the sentiment behind it - I am sure most fat people do, but it disgusted me all the same.

However...I know myself that I do get a buzz and my confidence increases when I am more shapely and fitter. I have been there. I feel better...and that's the truth. The fat me today is a much weaker, less confident and yes, sadder version of the slim Grump that was.

Oh well, another day, another cheesecake.....or lettuce leaf ;-) <~~ that's a joke btw. I have a chili prepared for tonight's dinner.

Grump...being 'good' but aware she has the ability to be really 'bad' food-wise.

Trial By Jury - Or A Weekend Away?

2010-09-13T14:03:00.002+01:00

Good afternoon fellow bloggers. Hope you had a good weekend. I did. I had a very enjoyable weekend which did involve lots of socialising over food and drink. Oh how I wish there were a 'blush' emoticon.

Do you find it hard to 'diet' when days and functions have been set up to focus on food, drink and enjoyment? I do. I know I should be prepared, have a plan, have a little of things I like and say no to things which can add pounds if you merely sniff them. I know alcohol is calorie-laden too.

Did I practice restraint on my weekend away? Sort of. Some of the time.

Good things: I walked and walked and walked.
Bad things: I ate and drank too much.

I am not sure what over-indulgence means to others but to me it means just not caring what I eat. I don't stuff my face. I don't binge. I don't go up for second and third helpings, but I don't make the most sensible food choices either. It wasn't too bad, but given I am trying to LOSE weight I could have had less to eat.

We stayed in a lovely hotel and on both mornings we had a buffet breakfast. There were two immediate eating challenges although one was easier than anticipated because of circumstances.

We walked into town and joined a gathering of family and friends on Friday night and later on headed back to the hotel (on foot - quite a long walk there and back...so it's all good) with my man's brother and his wife. We get along well. They are good company. We'd had a pub meal - chicken with chili noodles and vegetables for me, and a few bottles of wine between us. After our long walk on a cold September night of course going to the cosy hotel bar for a night-cap before bed was suggested, and who was I to argue? Brandy? Coffee? Yeah...sounded good. Special treat.

The small hotel bar was full of 'dressed up' people going in and out because a wedding party had taken place earlier. The bride and groom were staying the night so they were wandering around too even though it was late and most of their guests had departed. They wanted to prolong their special day. It had gone midnight and they'd had drinks...so were very chatty and friendly. They were Southerners, we were Midlanders, so our accents were different and we had all the 'Where are you from?' chat...which progressed to them telling us in turn about how they'd met. They were in and out, plonking themselves down at our table every now and then and they really were a pleasant young couple..who almost told us their life stories! A few people gathered in a hotel bar late at night become very intimate very quickly!

Across the room two other couples joined in with the general chat and it was all very convivial. There was lots of laughing and of course the men folk kept us supplied with drinks. At some point it was suggested by the couples across the room that if we hadn't tried sambuca, black sambuca, then we hadn't really lived. We were all very mellow, so middle aged and supposedly sensible people that we are, we tried shots of black sambuca on top of other drinks!

Hmmm. Interesting. Sweet. Like liquorice. Nice. There was no restraint now whatsoever. I won't lie.

So, all in all, wine, brandy and sambuca had been downed and it was 3.30am before we all departed for our rooms.

Oh dear. Not sensible. Not good. Over-indulgence. Empty calories, over-worked liver.

Very bad really. However, I have the capacity to shrug and not care much at the time. I'll go with the flow....life is short etc. :-(

I am not really a drinker. I enjoy a glass or two of wine with food, but I can take it or leave it and of late I have been washing down my food with water. I like the pureness of water. Fortunately I drank lots of water too that evening and in the morning my head wasn't TOO sore. I didn't feel wonderful but I didn't have the hangover from hell either. I felt vaguely queasy. We got up early, made our way down to breakfast and didn't eat much at all. BONUS! Yay! Let's hear it for drinking black sambuca! Great appetite suppressant!

Ooops. No. Didn't mean that. Don't try this at home boys and girls.

Tea is my friend. After a few cups of tea I livened up slightly and managed to eat a very small portion of muesli and some scrambled eggs and tomatoes on dry toast. No Danish pastry or croissant for me...although normally I wouldn't have been able to resist them.

We took paracetamol, went back to bed for the morning - what a waste of a fine day - and got up at lunchtime, ate nothing, showered and went for a long walk in the nearby woods...taking bottled water with us. The fresh air was nice.

Not a good start. That evening there was another buffet to endure - the 21st party itself, held in the function room of a swish Indian restaurant. (The room had been decorated beautifully.)

Fortunately we all felt fine when the time came to eat again. I drank water..no cals...and I had small portions of all the (Indian) foods I fancied. I was aware of that 'greedy' instinct that a buffet seems to trigger in me. However, because I was aware that I could have as much as I wanted, of anything available, and I could go back time and time again to load my plate, I became conscious of what I was doing. I avoided the creamy curries laced with butter and cream. I tried to ensure the portion of vegetable curry was the biggest and I had a small piece of naan bread rather than rice. I heaped the salad on my plate and I did eat a samosa and quite a lot of dry chicken tikka. Pudding consisted of chocolate caked laced with orange liqueur and ice cream, plus an assortment of (very sweet) Indian deserts. I took a small slice of birthday cake and one scoop of ice cream, and was glad that my "Yuk, pudding after a meal is too sweet and just too much" natural instinct kicked in. I am not a big fan of chocolate, and chocolate cake with a fudge icing is just sickly. I gave my plate to my man after two spoonfuls and he finished it off.

No beer or wine for us! We walked back again, glad of the long night walk and avoided the hotel bar..I ordered a pot of tea which was brought up to our room, kicked off my shoes and we sat on the bed drinking tea and enjoying a film on TV.

We felt bright and alert on Sunday morning and we went down to the breakfast buffet. So much food had been laid on. I chose a small bowl of grapefruit segments...(I sprinkled them with half a teaspoon of brown sugar) then I had a thick apricot yogurt. (Too creamy, but gorgeous.) I didn't have toast and butter with my main meal..everyone else seemed to. As we were helping ourselves from large trays of hot food I could pick and choose the healthiest options so I went for a spoonful of baked beans, a large portion of tomatoes, one fried egg and one rasher of bacon. I don't like fat on meat at all, so I ate only the lean meat. I could have chosen fried mushrooms, fried bread, sausages, black-pudding as well, but I didn't. Oh, I had a small glass of freshly squeezed orange juice too. I had a cup of tea and, because I'd gone without cereal, bread or toast I finished off with a warm croissant and a small cup of coffee. (Gotta go continental...) That was my treat. Yes, I have to wean myself off 'treats' I think. I saved a few calories on the cooked breakfast and deliberately spent them in a different form. A croissant isn't nutritious....when was greasy flaky pastry ever good for us? But it was nice, and I didn't feel deprived. (On reflection, this is 'maintenance mode' eating, not weight-loss eating....and that's if I can burn off the calories!)

I wouldn't eat that amount of food for breakfast when I am at home. If I really put my mind to it I could cut back even more calories because after all, I do want to SEE a weight loss even though my clothes are feeling slightly looser.

What makes resisting temptation difficult for many people is they don't want to discourage it completely. ~ Franklin P. Jones

I justified it by telling myself we would do lots of walking and we did. The hotel was on the fringes of a small town so we left the car in the visitors car-park rather than pay charges in the public car parks in town. It was a trek to the shops...and a trek back but I like walking. The shopping centre comprised of one VERY long high street with shops on either side of the road, and a big semi-circular indoor mall behind that. So we walked up one side of the street, down the other and then did the mall.There were some interesting, individual, independent retailers - art galleries, antique shops, craft shops so browsing was fun and we discovered an outdoor market at the end of the high street so as we had two sunny days we did a lot of walking and browsing, in between gathering with family and friends and eating.

We drove home last night and today I feel tired, but satisfied that we had a weekend away from it all, and it was good fun.

I shan't weigh myself this week! I might become disheartened if I jumped on the scale today. Hopefully things will even themselves out if I try to cut back a little more this week...and endeavour to exercise every day.

Ups and Downs and Home-Made Pies.

2010-09-10T13:43:00.001+01:00

Oh to be a robot. It would be fantastic if someone could program me in the morning and set me up for the day. I'd keep moving and eat healthy foods (all prepared for me) and life would be soooooo easy.

Hmmph. Life isn't like that and I have to be my own controller. I shan't write much today because I really should be packing for a weekend away in Hampshire. (I rarely do what I SHOULD of late. It worrying how I procrastinate.) We are attending a 21st birthday party..and staying in a hotel for a weekend. What's the betting I'll eat what's on offer without question?

I have had a good few days...eating well and moving more. I walked for miles and miles yesterday and again was huffing and puffing and feeling incredibly 'moist' all over. It's horrible to get sweaty as you walk around. You know when you feel wet and clammy all over and your clothes, including underwear stick to your body? Not nice. Does this happen to slim people as well? I suppose it does, but to a lesser extent. Oh well. It was my work-out. It was a humid day and stupidly I wore a jacket when I went out. (Changeable September weather...) I took it off but I had to carry it and two bags of shopping and as I am bus-catching now, there was much walking here there and everywhere and I felt quite exhausted after a few hours of this. I was moving for four hours non-stop apart from two thirty minute bus journeys. I was at my man's house last night (I'd showered before I went!) and we had a lovely cottage pie and vegetables for dinner, but....he'd also been given some tiny individual home-baked gooseberry pies...and we had them for pudding - with cream.

I don't eat pastry much..so I fully intended to dig out the fruit and leave most of the pastry..but it was gorgeous, short, sweet crumbly home-made pastry that went so well with the sharpness of the gooseberries. I thoroughly enjoyed that pudding....so I undid most of the good work exercise-wise. I keep doing this. There is a mental..sensible food/exercise/weight loss dialogue going on in my head that is being hijacked by "Oh those gooseberry pies look and smell gorgeous. Rare treat. No need to resist."

Anyway...I shall endeavour to think about what I am eating this weekend. I can't promise that I'll make good choices, but if I don't, I have to live with the consequences. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak...so yes, it would be easier if I could be programmed this weekend!

I am robot - not!

Right..ironing, finding toiletries, packing. Come on woman!

Have a good weekend all.

Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow. ~ Fernanda Miramontes-Landeros

I Am Going To Do This!

2010-09-07T12:11:00.002+01:00

Are you the sort of person who is lifted by motivational articles? I am. I am a sucker for straight-talking and sensible thinking :) I needed some help in that department last night.

I went into yesterday evening in a very growly mood. I was angry with myself. I didn't want to think about food any more. I didn't want to think about fat me any more. I just wanted to be.

Sod 'dieting'. Sod healthy eating. Grrr. Earlier, I'd made a pasta dish for dinner - fresh pasta with bell peppers, sun dried tomatoes, mushrooms, mozzarella and a tomato, garlic and onion sauce. I grilled a few rashers of bacon and crumbled it over and I made wholemeal garlic bread for us too..(with light spread, lots and lots of fresh garlic and black pepper.) I was in the mood for carbs, and lots of 'em! I also opened a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and had a glass of wine. I have to say it. That was a FANTASTIC meal. Yummy.

Of course it was massively calorific too...but *shrug* I was being self-indulgent.

It's after the self-indulgence, the blow-out, that the guilty feelings creep in. I don't want to feel guilty after eating. It makes me angry that I do! Now, I have said all along that I can't be doing with the head-fucks that eating food causes, the guilt I feel when I over-do things, or when I just don't care. Last weekend and last night I just didn't care.

However, the anger doesn't come from food..and there were lots of healthy items in my pasta dish last night. It was nutritious but I had too much. I could have tweaked that dish and had a small portion, less pasta, more veg, less garlic bread and no wine. I could have saved myself at least 500 calories if I'd been sensible. I have weight to lose after all! It was almost 'defiant' eating again last night. Have you ever had the "I am having this, no one is going to stop me and I'll jolly well enjoy it!' voice urging you on to eating recklessly?

ironically, it only happens to me when I am consciously trying to cut back and make sensible choices! It's like I deliberately screw myself up!

Wow. For me, such episodes are always followed by a crashing low mood and I regret being so stupid...or rather, not treating myself well. Sound familiar?

The anger I feel comes from my own lack of self-control - my stupid, destructive impulses.

I obviously do eat impulsively, and because I know I have to lose weight I have to curb those impulses and make sensible choices. I do allow myself treats. That was always part of the bargain, but they were going to be occasional treats and I'd have small portions of them. I can do that...apart from the times when I hate the whole business of HAVING to lose weight. I want to be fat and happy, but I am not. My fat life is a good life, I am blessed in so many ways, but deep down inside I am now fighting battles in my head about food and eating, and I don't want to live like this. No way.

It's not healthy.

Before I went to bed last night I flicked through a few articles I'd saved about food, eating sensibly, losing weight etc, and they were all extremely encouraging and eminently sensible. I felt renewed. I forgave myself for having a big meal, but I didn't chastise myself for enjoying it.

Food is meant to be enjoyed, isn't it? I wasn't doing 'fast food', although my weekends eating wasn't wonderful either. I have brakes. I just don't apply them when I should. I can do healthy eating for the most part too. I have always cooked wholesome, high-fibre meals for my children...(over the last 27 years!) and kept an eye on saturated fat and sugars. They remain slim and active. We tend to eat quite healthily at home - I have no problem with healthy eating, but see how I can make a decent meal into a blow-out one when the mood takes me? It's all the unnecessary extras which add up..and I am not burning them off very well either. I need to do more exercise, for sure.

Anyway..before I fell asleep I thought about my ailments. I have several body parts which dont work well and my auto-immune system is shot to pieces. I have an under-active thyroid, pernicous anaemia - I have Vit B12 injections regularly- and iron deficiency if I don't top up my levels regularly. I also have chronic complaints as a result of a botched operation in 2006 and the operations I had afterwards to repair the damage! I take pain-killers regularly...and a whole concoction of prescription drugs every day, and I suppose they make me a bit sluggish, but I do fight 'being ill'. I don't make a good patient. I really fear being immobilised and that should be reason enough for me to lose weight.

I don't let it get me down, but I do frequently tell myself that I ought to look after myself better. As you age your body DOES slow down. I have noticed this because after being a podgy teenager I became slim - not because I dieted, but because I had an extremely active life in my 20s, 30s and 40s. I never ever thought about what I ate. I seemed to burn everything off because I was so busy.

I slowed down and gradually became fat over the last ten years or so, and I suppose ill health and lack of movement contributed, but I sort of went into that valley of vague depression that often comes with bad times, quite willingly. The flesh was willing (or at least able!) but the spirit was weak in my case. I declined quite rapidly. My darling Mum died in 2001 and I really let myself go after that...and became sick too, so the last decade has been a foul one for me, apart from meeting a lovely man, now my fiance - just before getting really sick! (Poor bloke. He should have run for the hills then!) However, we can bounce back. Bad times tend not to last forever, but if we get into bad habits they become very hard to break.

All I can say is - if we don't look after ourselves, who else will? We have to take responsibility for our actions.

Strangely enough, when I turned on my computer this morning I checked other blogs on my list and Sean over at http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/ wrote exactly what I have been thinking about. Go and have a read. The Daily Dairy of a Winning Loser. Highly recommended. Sean clarified my dilemma. He reminded me that food isn't the enemy. My lack of commitment, my regaining the weight I have lost, over and over again, is down to me and not the foods in front of me. I don't 'use' food properly. I become angry that food tempts me and I 'can't have it', but what I haven't really worked on properly is my self-control or my emotions. Food is all around us, and to be enjoyed, but we have to have a strategy when we face it. We have to work on ourselves.

Anyway, I have written too much (again!) but I really wanted to say thank you to Sean, and to so many more bloggers too. There are so many of you out there in blog land who might not know it - but you do help me. You make me think, you make me see sense and you often inspire me. I don't always comment, but when I read your blogs I feel we are all in this together. My problems aren't unique. You motivate me, but most of all I want to thank you for helping me keep going.

It's a new day. One day at a time eh?

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Determination Versus Whining.

2010-09-06T12:49:00.000+01:00

Have just been perusing a few blogs, by people who have been (and who still are!) weight-loss successes. They rarely whine. They hold their hands up and tell it like it is...when they do well, and when they stumble. They do falter occasionally. When they do, it's a temporary blip and it can be honestly explained. They are right on course again..determined that they have a job to do and they WILL do it.

I so admire that strength. I admire it because I think I lack it.

I have been thinking...is it doing me good to read the blogs of others who are every bit as fallible as I am, yet they set goals and just know that they'll reach them?

Am I gaining strength and determination when I read about strong people who succeed or am I depressing myself because I can't emulate them?

They have a determination and a spirit I fail to muster and some times, I can feel rather deflated because I know I can give up on myself too easily and excuse it away. I could say I don't care, but I obviously do, or I wouldn't be writing this.

Oh..I lost another two pounds by the way - over the last - I dunno...few weeks? See, she says sarcastically, there's an example of how tightly executed this weight-loss campaign of mine is.

So, I have lost weight and that is good, but it's also a bit of a miracle too, given the poor food choices I have made this weekend. It's been a bad few days eating wise. I suspect that if I'd bothered to weigh myself sometime last week I'd have been pleasantly surprised by a significant loss..(That is the only way I can explain the loss of two pounds this morning....I'd lost a bit more last week and regained it by over-eating this weekend.)

Oh it's been a bad weekend. It's been a thoroughly enjoyable weekend in terms of socialising, but from my point of view it's been 'bad'...and that's because I defiantly and knowingly pigged out. No excuses. I just didn't exercise any control...or, come to that, do any exercise apart from walking around the shops.

Sheesh. One small step forward, five gigantic steps backwards. I don't want sympathy...I need to be allowed to beat myself up here, because I DO know the theory, and as the Anti-Jared said in a recent post, what is the point of knowing what you must do, if you don't bother doing it?

So true. I am hoping for that old magic wand, that silver bullet, that amazing weight-loss pill or pathetically hoping that my blubber will some how melt away overnight without any effort from me.

Looks like I can continue having good times, and go for the old "eat, drink and be merry" lifestyle and continue to mither and whine about my fatness...or I can just grab the bull by the horns and muster up some determination.

The positives I take from this are "Hey...you are two pounds down! That's a reason to be cheerful!" I could also say "You had a great weekend...and ate loads of your favourite foods, drank some incredibly good wine and met up with good friends! Lucky you!" There is no denying that we did lots, ate lots, laughed lots..it was good.

However..my weight clings to me stubbornly. I am older. My metabolism is shot to pieces. I cannot KEEP taking my foot off the pedal. What is the point of losing a small amount only to put it back on again the following weekend in hedonistic splurges? Why on earth do I do it knowingly too? It's complete self-sabotage, and it has to stop.

I just want to find that drive...the drive and determination that doesn't desert me when I am faced with socialising, eating out, and having friends round. It's my problem...and one I have to solve or otherwise suffer the consequences of my behaviour and the choices I make. If I am the captain of my own ship, I seem to be deliberately steering it on to the rocks to see what happens, whilst laughingly telling others "Oh it can be mended at the boat-yard if it doesn't sink..." How mad is that?

I need a kick up the arse. Oh if only I were double-jointed. I'd be doing it to myself right now.

I hope you've all been a bit more determined than I have these last few days. That wouldn't be at all hard!

Anyway. Recriminations over. It serves no purpose unless I decide to get my act together. THAT is my food for thought right now.

Anthony Robbins ~ "You can't always control the wind, but you can control your sails."

The Stodge Factor - I Just LOVE Bread.

2010-09-03T11:52:00.001+01:00

Do you? It comes in so many shapes and sizes and tastes. It's yummy. When all else fails there is always a loaf of bread in the kitchen to eat! Of all the things I am not to eat so much of, I think bread is the hardest item to cut down on.

I ask you, what's a bowl of lovely homemade soup without a big chunk of bread to go with it? When hunger pangs strike, how great is a slice (or two) of toast and honey? Seeded bread and bread with nutty whole grains is gorgeous. Sandwiches are good to eat as well, and aren't crusty French sticks just fabulous, spread with butter? Oh drool!

Drool, drool, drool.

I am salivating now just thinking about crusty bread! I know I can have SOME bread in my diet but stodgy things (and alas, bread is stodgy) have to be eaten in moderation.

Moderation. That's a bloody awful word isn't it? It suggests a life on hold...one where a person has to pull back..have some control, behave moderately...do things in moderation. It's hard always being moderate. I prefer the word 'excess' or 'excessive' but I suspect most big people do. I could eat bread all day long...for breakfast, lunch and dinner. No problem.

Breakfast - poached eggs on toast. Lunch - a round of sandwiches. Dinner - garlic bread with the main meal. In between those meals I could eat toast, or a big chunk of crusty French bread and butter. If no one's around and I don't want to cook, or don't have to cook for others, I could eat bread all day long. Easy peasy. I could even fill up on pitta bread and wraps. Bread in any form is wonderful.

Bread is the staff of life. True, it is a staple food but, it's also written that "Man shall not live by bread alone." It does make a great accompaniment to other foods though, doesn't it? ;-)

Right now I am hungry - truly hungry. This morning so far I have had two mugs of tea, a nectarine, a few sunflower and pumpkin seeds and a small pot of fromage frais. It's time to eat and all my instincts tell me that some seeded bread, toasted, with a little honey on it would be good. I do have two hard boiled eggs in the fridge and I could eat those, but they just don't have the sort of 'bite' I need, or the taste I long for. I have bacon I could grill, or low fat cheese I could have with crackers. I even have some home made hummus in the fridge...but it doesn't appeal. I've also told myself that I need a big glass of water. I am not thirsty but I have begun to enjoy drinking more plain water. I have taken today's meds..with lots of water, but now, the thought of a hard boiled egg and a glass of water seems like prison or work-house food! I am just not salivating...

I am thinking eggs = protein, and water = goodness. BORING! UNATTRACTIVE!

I want to relish my food..I want something yummy.

I have cut out cakes more or less..but cake substitutes (I have been using dried fruit in small quantities to give me a sweet taste when a cake craving calls) just don't appeal. In truth I want the STODGE FACTOR...you know, that gooey satisfying sensation of bread? Something chewy and wholesome which has your jaws chomping...and I know thats how we eat all foods, but I want the stickiness of bread and it's filling qualities. Yes, I could go and make a wrap but I want the crisp hotness of toast..the drippiness of butter, the stickiness of honey.

I could use pittas filled with salad, but in truth I don't like salad much, and I find preparing it for just me is a bit of a bore. Now I have the house to myself all day I can't be bothered to cook. I want instant, grab-able foods and bread ticks the boxes (as do eggs, cheese, hummus, carrot sticks, fruit etc..) So..I am a grouchy slimmer and a lazy one too :)

Now is an example of me 'choosing' toast. See how I have talked myself into it? I could go away and eat my eggs, I could suck a half dried apricot, I could have a big glass of water...I could make myself a salad wrap - I have the ingredients in the fridge - but now I crave toast.

I know so many of you really work to beat your cravings. I admire people who can distract themselves and substitute other things for their craving. I could go and pedal the exercise bike perhaps? Nope.

Executive decision made! I am going to have my toast. I have some seeded bread which needs using up. I am also going to have honey on it. I am indulging my sweet tooth.

If I didn't have it now, I'd STILL be wanting it at midnight. Perhaps I am not properly dealing with cravings? I dunno. I do know that I'll be thinking of bread all day long if I don't have some.

Carbs have become a dieter's no-no of late, but I just can't see how I'd eat 'normally' if I tried to cut it out of my diet. I know I'd buckle and need bread. I don't want to exclude food groups really. It's best for me to go with the way my mind and body works and try to include my beloved bread as part of a balanced diet.

I suspect if I have bread now I'll have no more today. I am guilty of not 'strictly' planning my meals - apart from the family dinner which I cook most nights and try to make as healthy as possible, even though it usually includes, potatoes, rice or pasta. I am quite happy to have very small portions of those carbohydrates. I am trying to eat 'normally' and also I am not seeing my eating as a 'diet'. I am just finding the 'moderation in all things' hard at times.

OK, tea, toast and then I'll put a load of washing in the machine and go out for a walk around the block. I need a distraction or I could gaze at the contents of the fridge and food cupboards all day long! It's one of those "Let me eat lots and lots" days!

It's not a wonderfully active plan , but some days you just have to work with the way you feel, don't you?

Just getting on with it.

2010-09-01T19:32:00.005+01:00

Well, the weekend crisis is behind me (until the next time) and I have been reflecting. My blog isn't exactly terribly motivational or inspirational for people out there who are also overweight, is it, but a bit like my uncomplicated and basic 'slimming plan' I feel that really, writing about the basics, the day to day minutiae of my life is what I do best.

Should I write you a list...one with my menus of so many calories, so much carb, examples of wonderful protein and all for 15 calories? I could tell you I walked twenty miles, and here are details of - heart rate, type of bottled water, timing, amount of sweat on head-band, and a description of my fabulous Nike so-and-so walking shoes. I could report that I did six million lengths of the local swimming pool (you get timings per lap and measurements of water resistance per stroke...the pool water is definitely weakening..) before I describe the smoothie I made with damsons I picked from my own (entirely organic, natch) orchard. Then you'll learn how I tied myself into a triple lotus doing a yoga DVD in the evening and I'll stop writing after I record that just before bed I drank two gallons of purified water with an added something or other from the health food shop that everyone really ought to go out and buy if they want to lose weight healthily...

I am obviously failing miserably in slimming blog world :)

Trust me - I'd top myself if that was all I was able to offer you :)

Actually, I'd top myself if my days were spent like that and I thought it would be of interest to others! :)

Hey...I ought to apologise. Some people NEED that sort of detail and record-keeping...and to each their own etc. That's OK if you need it...but...hmmmm. I definitely don't.

I am the other extreme I suppose. I could be accused of wanting the magic wand...a way to lose weight without getting terribly involved. Oh if only! :)

All I do know is...and we all know this...I have to move heck of a lot more - and work up a sweat if I want to carry on eating as I do and not gain weight. So, my plan is ELMM...Eat less, move more, and so far it hasn't seen me lose huge amounts of weight quickly (just the opposite in fact!) but I am becoming happily (and that is the key word) aware of what I am doing to my body. My blog lacks fast weight-loss excitement I'm afraid!

It's taken very little effort to acknowledge that I have to cut down on calorific food treats. I have been more reluctant to actively engage in movement...mainly because all the sweating, laps, repetitions, weights etc loved by so many weight-watchers are an anathema to me. That was my main worry...I'll never in a million years be as active as these people who are losing weight quickly and successfully.

So...how to get round this. I have to move. I recognise that my body is designed to be moved, used, and exercised, otherwise it rots..decays, even whilst my heart is beating. Artery walls thicken, the heart has to work harder and no movement begets even more slothfulness! I've had to consciously incorporate movement into my days. I have no aims to become a sprinter or marathon runner. Those aims aren't mine, but I admire those people who have such a goal. I'll stand at the road-side and cheer them on! :)

How to move? How to remain supple? How to exercise efficiently so that my body uses it's fat stores? That was what had me...(the woman who loathes gyms) thinking. I have mentioned before that I wasted gym fees in the past. On a dark November evening after a busy day I just couldn't get my kit together and drive there. I made myself..time and time again, but there was no joy..ever. I felt some satisfaction that I'd made myself do it but hell, I wasn't enjoying it that much, even when I did become fitter and more toned..

So..gyms were out. I borrowed my man's exercise bike. I can't say using it fills me with happiness, but I do use it - fairly regularly. My legs have to move. That monstrosity lives in the sitting room and I use it once a day...sometimes for ten minutes, sometimes for ten minutes four times a day...sometimes for 40 minutes...It varies, but it is getting used - and not just as a coat hanger :) Get this - I also dust it! :)

I am becoming conscious of 'spare' time...so in the few minutes between doing 'stuff' - ordinary housework type stuff - I make myself jig about..one way or the other. I bend, stretch, jog on the spot. Not for long..but it happens regularly. It's not the same as sweating and pounding away in a gym..or doing an exercise class..but if I join up, pay for classes and then don't stick with things like that, I feel a useless failure. I have to work with the mind-set I have.

I am a reluctant loser :) However, I am losing.

Today I had a hospital appointment. It was a glorious day so rather than wait for a bus to take me the three miles or so to the hospital, I set off on a brisk walk. That's what our bodies are designed to do...to walk. It's probably good if we can make them do more, but walking is such a great exercise on so many levels, isn't it? I had been reluctant to walk for the last few years...mainly because I was in pain and recovering from ops and generally suffering ill health. I was also drugged up on so much medication. I felt mentally and physically wiped out. Slow recovery and the sluggishness and vague depression that come from all of a sudden, limiting the world I inhabited made me fat, made me less of a person. I got out of the habit of moving and it was SO hard to get back in to deliberately exercising...because I HAD to. (The body becomes creaky and stiff and bloated SO quickly when it's not used...I know this!)

I am rediscovering what an amazing mood-lifter walking is. As I walked a chunky man in his running gear jogged past me. He had some weight to lose and I could hear him huffing and puffing. I wondered if he was enjoying his run? I know runners tell me they get a high from running...so perhaps that is something that happens, but I was getting a high from being out in the sunshine, swinging my arms, pounding the pavement. So..I am now conscious of all I do in general day-to-day activities, and if I can, I do just a bit extra..if only for a minute, here and there. One dance to a song on the radio whilst the kettle is boiling is better than flopping down in a chair until I can make tea:) I have spotted an old skipping rope in a box in the loft. I shall go out and skip on the patio one day this week. My garden isn't overlooked....so it won't be an X rated activity even though my blobby bits bobbing up and down won't be a pretty sight! ;)

So...for now I am moving more. What about food? I was digging my heels in here...resisting any sort of plan, any sort of restrictive way of eating. I am just not into it and I am old enough to know myself - to know that I can rebel, even when my rebellion is destructive.

I recognised too that if I am denied a food or a treat I go completely off the rails...I'll scoff it with a vengeance. That's stupid..I cut off my nose to spite my face, but deny me foods I want and the demon that sits on my shoulder whining "Not fair!" springs into action and encourages me to have exactly what I want, when I want it.

Then I feel weak and out of control and THAT is when I make myself feel like a miserable and stupid woman, without an ounce of self-control.

So..I have befriended that demon and I feed him morsels of the foods we know and love..occasionally. And guess what? The world hasn't caved in...I haven't blown up like a balloon and I haven't had to feel like a miserable loser for any length of time afterwards. A small amount of food 'treat' suffices...and as the days go by those food treats seem to have less hold on me. It's amazing. Knowing I can always have it actually helps me!

Now..those who deny themselves food treats will lose weight a whole lot quicker than I will, that's for sure but I am not of the belief that my life will be more worthwhile without sugar or fat in it..or because I have sacrificed all I used to love because my health depends on it. Life has to be worth living and I enjoy food. I have enjoyed junk food - we all have. I can sort of go cold turkey on that because I wasn't addicted to it. I had it rarely before, and I'll have it rarely now...with no guilt attached.

I have to limit sugar and fat, that's for sure, but my diet was never awful...it just needed a conscious tweaking. I have to eat fewer calories - I know that, because my weight is putting a strain on my heart and other vital organs as well as my limbs. I shall however not deny myself too many foods. Obvious deep fried ones and those made with fats and /or loaded with sugar I shall have rarely. Learning to have them only every now and then has been a real revelation. I can take them or leave them now. I don't crave them. I can walk past doughnuts and Danish pastries and not buy them....and that's a lovely feeling. I can also eat fish and chips, as I did last week, and just ENJOY the flaky white fish and the crisp golden batter...sprinkled with salt (yes the dreaded salt) and vinegar. I can say "That was lovely..." without too much remorse. What I have to learn to do is not turn to food as a crutch...a prop when times are hard and I don't care much about anything, least of all the shape of my body. That's where we fall down, isn't it?

I know I have repeated myself here, but I feel I am changing my relationship with food...very, very slowly. I am sorry that this isn't a whizz-bang, 'get yer trainers on and start running' production. I can't report fantastic results, or tell you about an amazing workout, or tell you tales of incredible will-power when faced with foods that tempt me. I conclude that I just don't have a will of iron. I know I am inspired by those who commit wholeheartedly and just 'go for it'. My reluctance to change my life too much has me weighing up my options, and I opt to do this slowly and gradually - and along the way I am hoping that I too really 'get into it' - start to feel that things are getting better and that I WANT to change my life drastically....which would involve dedication to the cause and perhaps a stricter routine. I am just not sure that I could sustain such a programme long term, therefore I've opted for a 'go easy on yourself' regime which I hope I can stick to for the remainder of my days. I have to make changes...but I don't want the changes to turn my life upside down for a short time only. Mine is perhaps a 'cheats' guide to making a difference. I hope that my tales of changing things slowly but surely, of feeling that my tiny efforts, my minuscule adjustments and my greater awareness help you in some way. It's OK not to change completely and dramatically in your outlook when you determine to lose weight.

It's not the way for many, most go about losing weight with a passion I just can't muster. I lack that passion, but there is a job to be done, so I had to find a way to do it.

I have begrudgingly decided I have to lose it...so I'd better get on with it...but don't push me, or else! ;-) It's not how many people go about trying to lose weight, but it's the way for me.

Slowly but surely my body is improving and my efforts to improve are becoming slightly easier. I am resisting less.

I know I'll have days when it all goes pear-shaped and I lose the plot, but even knowing that is somehow comforting. I acknowledge that I am human and prone to straying from the straight and narrow path.

I am not Wonder-Woman, Jane Fonda or the snarling Biggest Loser coach. I am just not THAT bothered about extremes. I am a fat middle aged woman who is coming to terms with her big body, her slow progress, and the fact that she is learning lots along the way.

Slowly, slowly I am getting there. I really hope you are too. Being a dieting failure (as so many of us have been) is so disheartening. For me, thinking differently about what I am doing is making a world of difference. Every day is a new day, a day in which I can put tiny changes into practice. One tiny change, one tiny step forward, is a step in the right direction even if the rest of the day has been a bit of a disaster.

Build on those tiny changes..... xxx

I just don't care.....

2010-08-29T20:04:00.001+01:00

I am sure we all suffer from days when things just aren't right...socially, personally, on the work front, and with families. That's life of course, and we aren't immune from trials and troubles and heartaches. It IS hard to care much about yourself though when life is tough, isn't it, even though that is probably the time when self-care is most important?

Again, it's the old 'theory versus reality' struggle. I should care for myself every day, I should remain conscious of my eating patterns and indeed what I am putting in my mouth...but some days....*shrug* it just doesn't seem to matter. Who cares if I am fat? Why should I make the effort to eat well? Know what I mean?

I shan't bore you with the gory details but son was ill this weekend - very ill - and it happened after he had a night out partying - as young men do. He was celebrating a friend's birthday and he had too much to drink. If he didn't have certain medical conditions this wouldn't matter...and usually it doesn't matter that he does what his peers do. 99% of the time it's OK. He doesn't want to be different - to be wrapped in cotton wool, and I wouldn't want that for him either. I am glad he enjoys a good social life. Aren't we all much happier when our families are content? However, when his body fails to work properly it is frightening.

Call me stupid, but given he lives under my roof still I just cannot sleep until he is home safely. I am half awake until I hear his key in the lock....and then all my motherly instincts take over and I get up to check that he is OK...capable of getting himself to bed. Most times he isn't even aware I am watching..but I am. I have to, for my own peace of mind. It's like I am cursed to be forever watchful...but I know it's just my nature.

OK...so he is a man now...and no, I shouldn't have to do this..but he also has several conditions which can be life threatening, he takes constant medication, and yup...I am a worrier. I wish I could be the sort of mother who spells "It's time to fuck off" in alphabetti spaghetti round the side of his plate, and although the notion is amusing, it's not me. I am stuck with my lads until they can afford to move on...They both earn a pittance in low paid jobs..although both are bright. They've had to start at the bottom and train...so employers have them over a barrel...lots of work for not very much pay. To their credit, they get on with it. We are all philosophers of the "That's life and sometimes it sucks" school.

I wish I could make him whole...and his brother. I wish I could make them completely well. For the last 23 years I have lived a life in limbo...always my uppermost concern being that my kids are well. His younger brother is also afflicted in the same way. Life has been a nightmare of hospital appointments, checks with specialists and constant medication and being alert for changes in their conditions. I have sort of become the rock..the anchor...holding everything together...sorting it out when it goes wrong. Their father hasn't a clue what life is like for us...he is happily oblivious. This is very much my lot.

In many ways I wish they could afford to move out - get their own places to live, but they can't. We seem stuck with each other...and really, I don't care because I love them, and for the most part they are good kids...pleasant and friendly young men. However, ask any mother who has kids with 'special needs' ....any person who is a carer...what it's like to be forever alert....relaxing in between episodes of illness but like a coiled spring, ready to jump up and act if and when things go wrong - when there is a medical emergency. I have almost become conditioned to be there...ready to spring into action at the first sign of a problem..hoping and praying I can deal with it and that I don't have to call for an ambulance. This weekend has been one of those weekends.

My man is out of town with his brother and son. He has travelled to watch his football team play away..and really it's a good job he had plans this weekend because I feel as energetic as a limp lettuce leaf now. I just wouldn't be good company. I didn't sleep much last night at all...the rushes of adrenaline kept me awake and then this morning I was busy tending to son again...his younger brother helping - or at least providing me with tea.

Today I really couldn't care less what I eat. I went back to bed for a few hours at around midday and slept like a baby, until the phone rang at 3pm. I even seem to wake from deep sleep instantly, like I am programmed never to completely switch off - and it's very draining. Son was OK....able to care for himself and now quite alert. Daughter wanted to go and buy a runner for her hall, so she wondered if I fancied a trip to IKEA with her. I felt rather tired but thought a trip out of the house would do me good...so I accompanied her. She has me worried too. She works so hard and doesn't seem to get much resting time. Her appetite has vanished and she has a cough that won't go away...and her chest feels tight. She is on antibiotics and has to go for some blood tests, but she looks very pale and tired. (Why do mothers silently inspect their kids for signs of ill-health? Is it just me?) I needed a coffee to perk me up, so we headed to the restaurant first. Daughter had a bottle of water, nothing else. Oh look...what do we have here? Slices of that nice, chewy almondy cake were sitting near the till, all sliced up...so, I had one. No idea why. As I was eating it I thought it was very sweet..but I carried on. When I'd finished, I felt remorse...and vaguely uncomfortable. I hadn't really enjoyed it! Some sweet things tend to be very sickly I find..and this had a sort of white chocolate buttercream icing on it. Ugh. I wished immediately that I hadn't bothered putting a slice of it on my tray.

How stupid though! That was definitely a case of thinking a piece of cake would sooth me, calm me...(be nice to me?) and I deserved it. It was like I'd switched to automatic pilot. I couldn't even be bothered to pour myself a bowl of cereal this morning. I have muesli in the cupboard which my body almost 'needs' for fibre. Instead, fretting about my son and feeling completely washed out I grabbed a handful of digestive biscuits to eat with my tea. At lunchtime I toasted and buttered two crumpets, and ate them almost mechanically. I can't say I enjoyed or savoured them...but they provided instant food.

I suppose the good thing is that my body seems to cry out for good things to eat...things which will properly nourish it. When I eat worthless calories in biscuits and cakes I now actually feel grim afterwards. I like the odd treat but 'proper' food sustains me whereas crap foods actually make me feel crap - and uncomfortable afterwards.

The boys have polished off two portions of chilli con carne I had in the freezer..I had some homemade salsa, brown rice and wholemeal pittas to go with them, so they ate when I was out and are satisfied. They helped themselves.....I have taught them to cook, sort out mealtimes etc, given I worked full time until quite recently. Me? Can I be bothered to cook for myself? No. Can I be bothered to eat an apple? No. I am not sure what I want really...Do I want anything at all?

All my instincts tell me to go and find stuff in salad drawers...and low fat cheese..and hummus..and to pile it onto a plate and eat it with some oat-cakes or sunflower and poppy seed crackers..whilst I watch TV...do something mindless and switch off. I have a million and one things to do around the house, but I think I need to restore myself by vegging out, watching TV and eating small amounts of foods which will nourish me. I also need to stop worrying about my kids. They are grown up now. I have served my time!

It's funny isn't it? Do you have days when you just can't be bothered...for any reason? In writing this I have been reflecting about how easy it is for self-love to fly out of the window. If I allow that to happen I almost damage myself with my apathy and weariness...because I don't become my first priority. Sadly, life is full of trials...we all get them in different shapes, sizes and forms..they find us. No one leads a completely charmed life.

I sink when things go wrong. I get worn down and I just don't care about me. I feel tired, worn out, and vaguely depressed that my kids have to be ill....The worries niggle away and the adrenaline rushes fade and the thick head fogs kick in. It's on days like those that I really don't have the energy or inclination to care much about myself and my needs. I look weary, I feel weary.

Oh I could be all gung-ho and tell myself that I matter because if I don't care for myself and become ill then everything will crumble. I know that, and I think it adds to my woes.

Tomorrow will be different and I'll start again, I'll build up my reserves of energy, but I am so aware that life for me seems to be about taking one step forward and six steps backwards. If I didn't feel so knackered I'd see how stupid that belief is. Life goes on....and although what's 'normal' for us, for me, isn't normal life for other single mothers, that is my lot. You have to play the cards you are given. Many others will be having a day full of caring for others, a day full of concern for the well-being of those they love, and for them too, their own well-being will take a back seat.

So...wherever you are...if you have been worrying about others today I send you my love.

I am only glad that humans seem to have been given such strong reserves of energy and compassion. It's amazing really, and gets us through all sorts of trials, tribulations and worries. We also have incredible bounce-back-ability, (think of the trials some people have been through) and now that I have unloaded here (thank you for reading) I know that I can rescue my day...and look after me for a while.

Hot and Steamy Kitchen Fantasies.

2010-08-27T17:38:00.001+01:00

Well, I jumped on the scale this morning and yup, the two pounds that I'd lost when I looked on Wednesday hadn't come back. Bye bye two pounds. *waves* Was nice knowing you, but you over-stayed your welcome. Looks like they've moved on. So...that's another two pounds gone. How many months has it been now? ;-)

I am getting used to not a lot happening scale-wise. It isn't bothering me too much, mainly because the weight isn't going back on...or if it does, it seems to know it's not wanted and moves off eventually. I am feeling slightly lighter...and definitely more mobile.

As those who read regularly will know, I am not going for the burn ;-) Not likely - although I DO appreciate my biggest problem is lack of movement - the sort of movement that burns calories. I can't say I have been 'athletic' in my approach but I have been fitting in movement whenever I can, even if it's only of the bending and stretching variety. Olympic athletes need not fear my training.

I have been eating sensibly and healthily for the most part....although a couple of hours ago was a bit of a disaster. Well, a big disaster really, but I'll get round to that in a minute.

My exercise? Five days out of seven I am doing thirty minutes on the bike...and I get that out of the way early in the morning. Every single day last week I ..erm....ahem....jogged on the spot in the kitchen whilst the kettle was boiling....sometimes three times a day. OK, runners can laugh, but given I am a bit of a tea addict, I boil my kettle a lot! :) Flick the switch, red light comes on, the kettle starts it's gentle chugging sounds and off I go..up down, up, down, up down.....for about two to three minutes non stop. No one is at home. This is my guilty secret.

When watching television I make myself get up during every advertisement break. I do silly things like touching my toes...(bending from the waist I mean...) and do several slow Tai Chi movements. (I was given a Tai Chi DVD three Christmases ago and for a while I got into it.) It's very relaxing...and I laugh as I form shapes with my arms and move my body as if in slow motion, deliberately, smoothly and slowly. Again, I need the room to myself. It's fortunate my lads hole themselves up in their bedrooms most evenings, with drums, guitars, DVDs or XBoxes. If my man comes around, obviously I behave normally during ad breaks...or I make excessive amounts of tea for him to drink so I can jog away in the kitchen. When I return breathing heavily he thinks that's the effect he has on me...poor sap :)

Thinks: I suppose I could pretend I have been fantasising about him in the kitchen? He is easily pleased these days ;-)

I am also consciously dancing vigorously to music. I tend to have the radio on a lot during the day and there are times when it's so easy to fling myself around to the beat of a good song. Again, it's not a pretty sight, but I have to keep going for the duration of the record. It all adds up. I also walked backwards and forwards to the supermarket several times last week....and had to carry bags of shopping up the long hill to get back home. Again, it's not rigorous, but it's better than sitting on my arse all day. I have only kept 'healthy' foods in the house, but they are foods I actually like eating. I may have eaten too much bread and too many potatoes but cakes and biscuits don't reside here any more. I know how to get sweet treats when I fancy them...and raisins and dried (moist) apricots give me the sweet taste I sometimes crave.

This lunchtime I was caught wrong-footed. Daughter (26) had a unexpected half day off work and came straight round to my house at lunch time. "Come on Mum. We are going out for fish and chips with mushy peas - my treat." Eeeek. I'd planned to eat oatcakes...but I don't see much of my girl any more and she wanted to buy me lunch. Yes, I know - I could have had a salad. She really wanted fish and chips. (She is tiny and petite...no spare flesh anywhere.) I thought momentarily about choosing salad, but I didn't. Freshly cooked (deep fried) cod in batter is ambrosia of the Gods. Mmmmm. (Tea is nectar of the Gods of course.) I thoroughly enjoyed my fish and chips, sprinkled with salt and vinegar. I didn't protest....I merely left half the chips. I probably regained those two pounds and more this lunchtime.

Oh well. I am not beating myself up. That was a LOVELY food treat, and it was just smashing to be taken out to lunch by my daughter. It makes being a Mum all worthwhile when your grown up kids spring little surprises like that on you. Tonight I'll have a very light meal.....there are ways around falling off the wagon temporarily, aren't there?

So, all in all, it's been a good day. Hope yours has been good too...but if it hasn't been wonderful, I hope you can rescue it or make amends before the day is out. OK, I have finished here, so excuse me while I go and boil the kettle :)

The Road to the Supermarket Is Paved With Good Intentions.

2010-08-24T17:31:00.002+01:00

I am an enigma. I can't work myself out, so gawd knows how anyone else can! I think I am part possessed! (I am laughing here - please don't take me seriously. No voice change and head swivelling of 360 degrees is going on...) I do however seem to easily overule all my good intentions. I have a good woman and bad woman lurking in the same body. The bad woman seems to be the strong one ;-)

Today's good intentions were to get on the bike once the boys had gone off to work. The house was empty apart from me and the big ginger cat at 8.15am. I'd had my big mug of tea (a must, to wake me up. I need a bucketful of tea in the morning to kick-start my system.) Hot water and lemon??? Do me a favour.....*pulls face*

Plan? To exercise early. So, boys out, tea finished, time to bike. And I did. I did thirty minutes of biking at a four resistance. Only 101 calories burned but my heart rate went up from 70 to 135 and I was warm when I'd finished. I watched TV as I biked and told myself I could finish when my programme did...but I carried on anyway, to get in the full 30 minutes. Box ticked. Yay me.

I drank a big glass of water. Another box ticked.

I had a small bowl of no sugar, no salt muesli with semi-skimmed milk. Box ticked.

I showered and got dressed. I did a few household chores and got a machine load of washing out on the line. It was a sunny, blowy day and it was good to be out in the garden. "I'll go for a walk," I thought. It was a good day for walking.

That's when the first good intention went by the wayside. I did other things..pottering about mainly, and I didn't leave the house. I took my pills for the day and my vitamin and mineral supplement. I had a banana for a snack and my one cup of coffee.

I went on the computer and sat there for far too long. I read and replied to emails. I enjoyed myself and wrote too much on message boards of various sites I've joined. I learned things too. I get lost surfing...who needs books when there is a mine of information and fascinating stuff online? I become engrossed and this is why my arse has spread over the last ten years or so.

Infernal machine and thief of time! I ought to put a hammer through it! I turned it off...deliberately, but then old habits kicked in. Instead of thinking "What shall I do now?" or "Which job should I tackle next?" guess what I thought?

I bet you can guess. Go on - try.

Yes, I thought "What can I eat?"

I had to have food. I wasn't particularly hungry, but this was a habit. This is how it goes. Stop what I am doing...have no plan, no real sense of direction...so go and open the fridge door. I tell you, my fridge door opening triceps and biceps are soooooo well developed ;-)

Ah...but I only had healthy stuff to eat. Damn my sensible shopping list! I got out a wholemeal tortilla wrap, filled it with baby spinach, tomatoes, red onion, a slice of lean ham and a tiny squirt of low fat mayo. This was OK, because it was almost lunch time. I sat down for an hour, with my wrap and a mug of tea and flicked through some old magazines. Very enjoyable. I enjoyed a pot of low fat raspberry yogurt and vaguely wondered how I'd spend the afternoon. (Sometimes it's a bind being your own boss!)

So it was about 1.30pm and all my determination had fizzled out. I hadn't achieved much, but I was on course to have a good day. The morning had been good. Lunch had been healthy...but all I wanted to do was idle..veg out...do self-indulgent 'nothing much.' Just as I was giving myself a pep talk along the lines of "Come on you silly cow. There is so much to be done...and if you walk to the supermarket now, you can pick up some broccoli to have with tonight's meal " the door-bell sounded.

My friend Lyndsey had called to say hello, so I invited her in for a cup of tea. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks, so we chatted and caught up with each other's news. Lyndsey does peoples' gardens for a living, and although she is almost 58, she is super-fit and agile. She also swims every day too. (She ought to be my 'active' role model.) She wanted to see what was growing in my garden, so an hour later we found ourselves sitting out in the sunshine, having yet more tea. When she left I felt a bit flat....and the determination to do something/anything had vanished. I busied myself with some paper work and filing...but this was another sitting down job. I looked at the clock. 3.20pm. Hmmm. No good going out for a walk now, because the traffic would be building up on the main road...the road I have to walk down. Offices seem to finish earlier and earlier it seems. The 'rush hour' traffic starts to build up at 3.30pm and roads are busy until about 6pm. No. I didn't want to walk down a busy road and breath in traffic fumes...so the walk wasn't happening. I have peas and green beans in the freezer. They'll do later. I was roasting a chicken for dinner.

And that was it really. A day in which I was going to be more active didn't happen. I failed to keep the early momentum going. I console myself that I had a lovely day and I didn't go mad food-wise.

I have had a slice of toast and honey and another mug of tea. I have also had another glass of water, and a nectarine and I have written this. I have to go and cook an evening meal in a minute (Roast chicken, new boiled potatoes, carrots, peas, green beans, sage and onion stuffing, tiny chipolata sausages - I'll only have one...but the boys like them and are ravenously hungry after a day's work - and gravy.)

So...time to reflect. It hasn't been a bad day but I really have to have a plan of activities for the afternoon too. That's when I flag and start to think "I need food!" I could have been MUCH more active. It has clouded over, the sky is now grey, but if it doesn't rain later, I may have an evening walk. I am not seeing my man this evening, so there are a good few hours of today left in which to burn off more calories. Will I though? After cleaning up the dishes when we have eaten, I suspect the sofa will call me...and the TV remote control will be just there by my side.

My legs will thank me for a walk. Yup - I will, no matter what the weather later, go for a walk before it gets dark. It hasn't been a bad day at all. I intend to walk. I just hope the bad woman that lurks within doesn't take my shoes off and glue me to the sofa later on. She is mean like that...

I leave you with the sensible Mario. (I had to stop the bad woman strangling him....)

"Desire is the key to motivation, but it's determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek." ~ Mario Andretti

Crappy Commitment Levels.

2010-08-23T22:43:00.003+01:00

Evening all. Yesterday I wrote about lacking drive. I do lack drive. I've been taking the path of least resistance lately. I know I have. I have been 'going easy on myself' which isn't making me happy and isn't seeing me shape up. I either do this or stop blogging and pretending to do this.

I also have to tweak my daily efforts in a considerable way if a) I am to see pounds falling off and b) if I really intend to do this...to lose weight. I can pussy-foot around and talk the talk (write the words?) but unless I walk the walk with real commitment I am not going anywhere. I am fooling myself.

So, I have decided that mornings will mean getting up, doing the things I do to get the boys out of the house and then, immediately afterwards, begin to exercise. I'd like this to become a Pavlovian response..something I do at a certain time. Something - the boys going through the door on their way to work - will trigger the 'exercise now' response.

(I don't HAVE to get up early now that my oldest son no longer needs a lift into work, but I make myself get up early so I have a bit of routine in my life.) I feel better for starting the day bright and early. I begin the day industriously, making tea, making packed lunches, listening to the radio, unloading the dishwasher, ironing a few clothes from the top of the basket, but when Son no2 goes through the door and shouts "I'm off Mum. Love you..." I can flop, and I do. I have a second mug of tea and turn the TV on to catch the morning news and weather forecast. I may even watch an episode of Frasier. (Such bliss having lazy, self-indulgent mornings after a lifetime of getting the kids out and then rushing off to work in the heavy traffic...The novelty still hasn't worn off!)

This morning however I had a Doctor's appointment. My GP's surgery is about a mile away from my home..perhaps a little further. It's a 25 minute walk. No time for slobbing out this morning. I got showered, dressed, checked I had all I needed in my handbag and then set off.

I discovered as I was walking that if you don't use it - you do lose it. Your fitness I mean. I never had a problem with walking. I quite like walking but now that I am broke I don't go out much. There seems little point if I can't have a mini self-indulgent splurge along the way...like a paper, or a coffee, or a new lipstick. I tell myself the pennies add up....all frivolous and unnecessary purchases have to stop. The bank manager will write me nasty letters if I spend when there is no money in the account! So...going to town to window shop only has lost most of it's joys. That means I stay in more than I used to. This morning I HAD to go out.

I have to go down a slight hill and then up a very steep hill to get out on to the main road. I noticed that my chest seemed tight as I was walking...and I wasn't wearing my trainers, I was wearing ordinary shoes, so as I put one foot in front of the other I could feel my full weight bearing down on my feet as they trod the pavement. Ouch. The impact was unpleasant. I actually felt heavier..slower and this walk was quite an effort. I was huffing and puffing when I got up the hill...I stopped to catch my breath. The rest of the walk to the Doctor's place was on the level, but I was aware that I was breathing heavily. I was so out of condition...mainly because I am not walking frequently anymore.After my appointment I collected my prescriptions from the chemist next door to the surgery and set off to walk home. The actual effort of walking at a reasonable pace was not easy. I was so aware that my heart was thumping even without walking on an incline. I'd just had my blood pressure taken. It was at the top of the 'normal range' apparently...140 over 80. When I got in I felt hot, and vaguely out of breath. I drank a big glass of water but really did ponder the fact that even walking - something I gave little thought to - was becoming difficult, unpleasant. Not good!

I vowed there and then to do it every single day, with no excuses. I really do fear becoming immobile. I like to walk...go places...do things.

On Saturday I walked to the shops. I bought food-stuffs then had to walk home, mostly up hill. My bags were heavy...but I balanced them so that I had about equal weights to carry on either side of me. I was hot when I got in, and puffing a bit. Now, I have a very basic scale...but I wondered what those bags weighed. I plonked them on the scale before I unpacked them. One weighed nine pounds, the other seven. 16lbs in total. Blimey. That's quite heavy. It was a heavy load to carry up hill in the sunshine anyway, and I have almost lost that amount of weight. It really would be worth shifting seven pounds quickly. I am sure I'd feel lighter because seven pounds is actually a significant amount of weight when you are carrying it uphill. It made me think about the excess load my poor frame is having to carry where ever it goes.

Tonight I am kicking myself. Today, after my morning walk was going to be 'serious'. I didn't wildly over-eat today but what I ate was mostly crap in that it wasn't particularly balanced. I had LOTS of bread...very little fruit and um...no veg at all and not enough water.

Breakfast: small bowl of muesli...(containing no sweet dried fruit) semi-skimmed milk. Two mugs of tea.

Snack after Docs: One banana. Water. Coffee..with a splash of semi-skimmed milk.

Lunch: THREE slices of cheese on toast, (wholemeal bread...with oat bran) spread with tangy pickle. Mug of tea. Later - one nectarine. One low fat raspberry yogurt.

Afternoon foraging: One Cadbury's brunch bar - with raisins, pumpkin seeds and hazelnuts. Five pecan nut halves, one apple. Water.

Further foraging: Six Milton's Multi-Grain crackers...dry. (I munched them mindlessly as I sat at the PC.)

Further "What else can I eat" mad woman foraging: A packet of plain crisps. (Stupidly I'd bought a bargain multi-pack at the weekend , for the boys as a lunch accompaniment. If they are in the house, I'll eat them. I felt guilt afterwards like I'd not felt for a long time. Only one pack..there were five left and there are still five left..hours later.)

Evening meal : One low fat microwave meal. Chicken Tikka Masala curry with rice. Water.

LOADS of carbohydrate. I am now burping. I didn't plan meals today...I ate impulsively, which is OK, but I know me. I'll NEVER grab an apple impulsively, or go and peel a carrot to snack on. Oh no. I rarely raid the fruit bowl like a woman possessed, or go berserk scoffing everything in the salad drawer in the fridge. In fact I threw out a whole soggy lettuce and a tray of little 'vine' tomatoes growing green mould this weekend :(

I had also planned to fit in another walk. I had a letter to post and I was going to go to the post box at the supermarket after lunch...another 25 minute walk away. Did I go? Nope. (OK, so it was raining hard this afternoon - but I like being out in the rain, so that's no excuse.) I also planned to have half an hour on the exercise bike at some point. Did I do that? Nope.

So much for all my early morning resolve..my renewed commitment. I cheat on myself.

How many times can I tell myself 'Tomorrow is another day and I'll do better...perhaps?' Any of that strike a chord with you? Why am I so weak-willed?

Missing My Carrot.

2010-08-21T17:42:00.000+01:00

I really appreciate the thoughts and good wishes of those who comment on my posts. I know I could be writing to myself here, but knowing a few people out there read my thoughts (and sadly they tend to be 'thoughts' rather than good old "Hey I've lost a pound!" posts) really spurs me on. I can't say I am spurred on to losing weight at a good rate, (you've noticed, huh?) but I am fired up to think about what's happening to me and how I feel as I try to lose some of my 'too, too solid flesh'. *

Yesterday I wrote about how lucky I am to have a man in my life now - in middle age - who loves me just as I am. One day we'll marry I hope, and on that day I don't want to be a fat bride. I have every incentive to lose weight and work out. Most women planning their wedding give lots of thought to how they'll look on the day - and rightly so. (I didn't first time round...I didn't enjoy my wedding day at all, for all sorts of reasons, which I won't go into here.) Many women, having a date in sight, set to and shed the pounds like there is no tomorrow. They have a will of iron and off they go...and hey voila - their wedding dress looks just great on the day, as do they. They like what they see in the mirror too...and it's been a LONG LONG time since I have liked what I see in the mirror. That's how it goes, mostly, isn't it? I read somewhere recently that a HUGE percentage of all brides-to-be embark on a slimming regime once they become engaged. I can understand that....they have a goal. Could be that they'll gain all the weight they lost back and they'll become fat wives, but kudos to them for their determination and action. I have to find that sort of drive.

I am lacking drive. I know I am.

WHAT though is the carrot that's dangled that makes people just go for it? I am missing my carrot, if you know what I mean. I have lots of reasons, including health ones, to get rid of my rolls of fat right now.

I got on that blasted scale this morning and discovered I'd gained two pounds since I last stood on it. OK, so tomorrow those two pounds could be gone, but today, the scale tells me I am two pounds heavier than last time I weighed myself, whenever that was. Bugger! OK...so water retention or some other sort of fluctuation could have caused that, but I do know how good I am at 'maintenance'. I am eating sensibly, probably not moving as much as I could...and the fat is clinging to me for dear life. My fat hangs on.

Being reasonably bright all my instincts tell me I have to work up a sweat. I have to become more active. I am post menopausal and whatever anyone says, I am finding it bloody hard to shift pounds. Years ago, if I'd been eating as sensibly as I am now, I'd have FELT lighter, my clothes would have been looser and I'd have steadily lost weight. Not quickly, but steadily, slowly the weight would have dropped off, because for the most part I am not going for any calorific indulgences and my diet is a good one. I WAS more active years ago, but I ate doughnuts too. I didn't think much about junk food versus 'good' food. I ate what I fancied and because I was always on the go, I didn't gain pounds. I didn't even think about my weight and nutrition. (What a blissful state!) I ate, I moved...I stayed slim..even though life wasn't particularly happy back then. Carrots? I didn't go for raw carrots in a salad. I chose carrot cake every time. I still want carrot cake. Tell me you still want carrot cake too? I KNOW I can have a slice occasionally, but I want to be able to eat ANYTHING without having to think about it much.

Now, I either have to go for a diet of about 800 calories per day methinks, or work like a Whirling Dervish to see this fat take a hike. (I have personalised my fat...how did that happen? I see it as a leech, a parasite, an unwelcome house guest, hanging on to me, clinging on, grinning, refusing to release it's grip. It probably has it's own room and a suitcase it can pack...and it can move on whenever it wishes :)

Weird...weird...If only I could go online and book it a train ticket. I'd happily accompany it to the station and wave it off...:)

This fat isn't just a visitor. It is me. It makes up what I am.

I have every incentive to lose weight. I want to lose weight...but I have reached the conclusion that this weight, despite my sensible diet, my good eating habits will only vanish when I buy a some Lycra leggings, a new pair of trainers, a gym bag, a water bottle and a gym membership. Having said that - I have bought gym memberships before and then hated going. I never got into it...I wasted my money. Yep, foolish, but I am being honest here. I don't like going to the gym.

Now I can't afford to go to the gym, so that option isn't open to me. I could use work-out DVDs, I could devise a keep-fit programme and exercise at home every morning, and I could make sure I go for a long walk every single day.

It has also struck me that this isn't about COULD. It's about SHOULD.

How much do I want to lose weight? Forget 'could' or 'should'. If I stop and think about things like high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes, general ill health and premature death then COULD and SHOULD have to be banished from my weight-loss vocabulary. I am getting older, and when you get older, things do seem to take longer to work. My metabolism is more sluggish. My hormones have given up the ghost. I have to accept that and do the extra work required...with supplements if need be. I also don't have as long on this planet as I used to have. Will I still be moaning about my fat shape one year down the line? This isn't about looking good in a wedding dress, although I aim to, this is a MUST - for life.

That is one enormous fuckin' carrot, isn't it?

The Bride To Be...Or Not?

2010-08-20T10:53:00.001+01:00

I wear a beautiful aquamarine and diamond engagement ring on the third (podgy) finger of my left hand. The man who gave it to me, who asked me to marry him, I have known for almost almost six years now. This is a LONG engagement. Want to know why?

There are several reasons, but one is - there is NO WAY when I get married for a second time that I am going to be a fat bride. No way. A younger girl, bursting with love for the man who asked her to marry him is usually on cloud nine, planning the big day, dreaming about the ceremony, choosing a fabulous dress and almost always, deciding to slim down so she has no bulges and blobby rolls of fat on show when all her family and friends watch her make those wedding vows in a gorgeous gown. She is the centre of attention.

Shudder. The centre of attention. Cringe. That's one of the reasons why I just can't go through with a wedding. I attended my sister's wedding a few months ago and the pictures of me..(in most of the photos because I was family) are completely ghastly. I was a fat, middle aged blob in turquoise who THOUGHT she looked nice on the day, but I almost cried when I saw the wedding album. (I've chopped a bit of one of the pics for you to see...sorry if I've bodged it up. See how I've positioned my body behind my sister's as much as possible!)

OK, so lots of incentive to slim? Yes, I have every reason to lose weight. However, I am not going to be a young, blushing bride in the first flush of youth this time. I was, way back in 1978 when I took the plunge the first time. That marriage, which I thought was for life, which I entered into for life, 'till death us do part' etc, produced my three lovely children but it wasn't a happy marriage for the most part. It ended after 18 years.

During all those years I was slim. I'd been a good and faithful wife. He hadn't been a good and faithful husband. I was distraught. I'd been alone for lots of the years of my marriage..Sadly, my husband wanted me, but I think he realised he also wanted a bachelor existence too, so me and the children came a poor second to his friends, work mates, beer and the social life provided for him in the pub. It was a lonely time...18 lonely and sad years with a drunken man coming home to us at some point..to shout, criticise, insult me, then fall asleep on the sofa. The next morning he was like a lamb...almost unaware of the upset he'd caused and my distress the previous evening. This was a regular occurrence. I dreaded hearing his key in the front door lock after a while. However, I was busy...raising our children, alone, working full time and also looking after my dear Mum, who was getting on in years and needed help and companionship as she became frail. In those days I didn't eat for comfort, I wrote everything down. I unloaded...and have books and books of late night/early hours of the morning sad and tearful ramblings. I needed an outlet or I'd have gone mad. I shall have to destroy them. I wouldn't want my kids ever to read them and feel guilty about my suffering or that they couldn't help me. They never knew how unhappy I was. I wore a mask - to them and the outside world...every day for many years. I was embarrassed, scared and ashamed, but I had done nothing to be ashamed of.

And then I divorced...finally this pathetic worm turned. I engaged a solicitor and against all my principles, started divorce proceedings. I knew it was the only way if I ever wanted to be happy again - to be myself again. I didn't want to bring the children up in such a caustic atmosphere either. They couldn't be damaged by things they saw and heard late at night. It wasn't right. Their father didn't care, didn't think about their little lives...their fear. I didn't care much about me, but I had to protect them, whilst I was strong enough to do so. I was beginning to crumble. It was such a traumatic time...and they should have been the best years of my life. I was young, slim, pretty, energetic..successful in the workplace and a good mother and daughter. I was also in pieces inside...a nervous, frightened, exhausted wreck.

I came away from the solicitor's office having started divorce proceedings and I slipped my wedding ring off my finger. I was in the city centre..The tears sprang to my eyes. I was SO unhappy. Big, fat tears ran down my cheeks and I found myself heaving with emotion and sorrow....and I remember finding a bench..partially hidden by shrubs and greenery...and sitting down, in the middle of town, and sobbing my heart out.

I rebuilt my life - with little confidence. I wanted nothing from my ex husband. No financial aid. I would support myself. I would pay for everything. I am proud. I needed a clean break. I didn't share my sorrow with many people. I kept my pain from my Mum. We were brought up not to wash our dirty linen in public. I quietly went about trying to make things 'normal' at home and continued working, to pay the bills and keep a roof over our heads. I felt hollow inside though, for years afterwards.

It's amazing. When you go through times which are bad...sorrowful, painful...years later, you realise just how strong you really were. I didn't break. I wanted to..many times, but I didn't. My Mum and my kids relied on me. Now I am here to tell the tale and have a ring on my finger again because I said 'Yes' when my man asked me to marry him in 2007. (No fool like an old fool, eh?) We've been together since early 2005.

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." ~ Rita Rudner

The man I am engaged to now..in my fifties...(and he doesn't have a pierced ear) is nothing like my ex husband. I suspect he'd walk over burning coals for me. He is lovely and we laugh lots. We like a lot of the same things. He is good company. I trust him implicitly. He is kind, generous, hard-working, loyal, reliable and funny. He is young at heart like me. Neither of us can believe we are officially middle aged! Where did those years go? He isn't an Adonis..but to my eyes he is gorgeous. Who wants a God? He is in his fifties like me, and looking forward to retirement. He is a widower and we both have grown children who are young adults and live with us. THAT'S why we haven't married.

My kids live with me in my house..his son lives with him in his house. We could buy one big house together..and start married life with our three young men in tow, but really, that's not ideal. I am not sure it would be good to have to live with a drum-playing, rock/death metal music-loving 23 yr old, or a 21 year old into his guitar, X Box games and mad about cars...and strange hip-hop music or whatever it's called these days. (Hell, that ages me. Rap, trance, dance, garage, R and B, hip-hop...??? What is it called?) Then there'd be his loved-up 20 year old who keeps strange hours, is joined by the hip to his girlfriend and also likes his X Box and never turns the TV off! All three go to work and work hard but they don't earn much. They play hard at weekends too...which means they drink and come home late. It's not ideal..but been there, done that. It's what young people do. It's a phase. They are good boys, with good hearts, have never been in trouble with the police etc...don't do drugs.. and they're probably not much different to other young men enjoying their youth. It is time to cut the apron strings though...

So me and my man carry on...almost 'dating' still, travelling back and forth between each others homes, holidaying together, weekend-ing together, cooking for each other during the week. We are together but apart - and I suspect we both quite like it this way! It's ideal...but we aren't getting any younger. I also like my own domain. After choppy waters and many storms, my present peace and calm and being mistress of my own abode is lovely. All I have, I've worked hard for, in difficult circumstances. I love my place. I am quite attached to it, although it holds some unhappy memories. That's all water under the bridge now though.

However, back to the weight business. I ought to lose weight. I should lose weight. Not just because I'll look better in a wedding outfit, but because I'll feel better and be healthier. I want to live a long, long life with my man by my side. I don't want this happiness snatched from me prematurely. He loves me just as I am, but I was slimmer when I met him...although still 'plump'. He was there when I became ill, when I was in and out of hospital, having operations, and then immobilised, recuperating and gaining weight. I may have gained weight because I was contented at last. If he mentions my losing weight (and he doesn't - I always broach the subject of my 'fatness') I know he urges me to do it because he worries about my health..not my size.

I felt uncomfortable when I saw a cartoon recently...A fat woman walked into a bridal shop with her mother to choose her wedding dress. The assistant who was expecting them, saw them approach, eyed them up and down, and as they came through the door she blurted out

"SO THIS IS THE BRIDE TUBBY .... ER.....I MEAN, BRIDE TO BE."

I cringed. I am not going to be a fat bride, a tubby bride. End of. If I don't get my skates on though, I'll not be a bride at all. I suspect we are putting obstacles in the way of getting a place together....although my man does live very near to the place where he works. He can walk in and pays no transport or parking costs. It makes sense for him to remain there whilst he is working. He also has a very good job, with the minimum amount of stress, which is great as he winds down at the end of his career. He isn't 65....the official retirement age. He has nine years to go! Things are very cosy and comfortable just as they are.

My weight is yet another barrier preventing me 'plighting my troth" but we are happy. 'If it ain't broke, don't mend it' seems to work for us...but I really must focus more and put some goals in place. There has to be some point where we sit down and make plans! We have lots of dreams. Girls often dream of being a bride. Older women can only see the pit-falls. Fatter older women run for the hills rather than try on large-sized wedding gowns! :)

OH...sorry for another long post! I promise, when the big day finally arrives, you'll hear all about it. I'll be so happy to share it with you, and I'll post pictures of this happy and hopefully slim woman...For now, I am a happy, fat woman.

*SINGS*

'Cos he did something that no one else did

Friends said it couldn't be done

But all his love I know I've won

'Cos 3rd finger, left hand

That's where he placed the wedding band

Martha and the Vandellas

Back In The Groove, And Being True To Myself.

2010-08-17T19:19:00.001+01:00

Groovy. What on earth does 'Back in the groove' mean anyway??? Hmmm :) Anyway, just to let you know, in my best Austin Powers way, that all is groovy-ish here.

I made a comment after my last post that I tend to beat myself up unnecessarily because my weight-loss progress is SO slow...and often stalls. I do tend to think "Why am I bothering?" and I also feel that if I really were bothering properly I'd have a super-dooper plan of exercise and eating which would see me shed pounds regularly week after week. Instead of being rather spongy and blobby I'd be toning up and all my clothes would be too loose now. I am a slacker - maybe?

All I can say is, my clothes ARE slightly looser and every day I am conscious that I have a 'plan' - the plan being that I remain aware of what I am eating and try to move more in 'some' capacity every day. Eeeek. When I read that back it sounds like a cop-out...like a very vague attempt at weight-loss. I could do more. I know I could. I could burn more calories, eat even less, plan meals precisely, and move much more in a way which targets the blobbiest parts of my body. Basically - I could be more focused and more energetic.

Could you?

It's a bit of a dilemma, isn't it? Well it is for rather laid-back types like me who tend to dislike the way in which I feel we are subtly manipulated into feeling that as overweight people we are lacking, not like-able, rather ugly and the latest scourge of society. Fat people are not allowed to feel comfortable as fat people.

OK, having said that, I think we are all aware that being overweight isn't particularly good for our bodies. We ought to know that and we ought to bring our kids up so that they don't pile on the pounds and become couch potatoes. That is a good wake-up call that recent and global 'fat-awareness' has brought with it. We can stop the descent into morbid obesity becoming the norm. We can think about what we are doing to our bodies. Many of us need to.

We can bring our blood pressure down by shedding pounds. We can move more and engage more when we are lighter, we become more flexible, we have fewer embarrassing trials - ones that don't happen to people who aren't fat, and our bodies function better if we put good stuff into them. Our self-esteem improves when we know that we are tackling a problem rather than allowing it to escalate. It's for THOSE reasons, and the last one in particular that I keep going.

I'd also say that I can't pretend that I ignore the awful realisation that I don't look good when I look at myself in a mirror or in photos. That's the reality. I don't want to look skeletal like Mrs Beckham...I don't want to emulate trendy size zero models. I just want to get rid of the rolls of fat. I DO want to look and feel better. Vanity DOES come into the equation, but more than that, making an effort and looking after myself IS important. We can easily lose sight of that.

I can slob out, rage against the whole 'diet industry' and defiantly sink a Big Mac and fries every day, or I can just get on with being true to myself. In being true to myself I drink more water. It's good to flush the system out. I don't buy foodstuffs which I know will tempt me beyond endurance. If I keep them out of the house I have to snack on the oatcakes, cottage cheese, dried fruits which I keep in the cupboards. I'll enjoy all the foods I love in moderation and I won't beat myself up if I occasionally indulge in foods which would NEVER make it into boot-camp kitchens. I am no saint, nor should I try to be. I'll move more because it actually lifts me to do so. Movement releases those feel-good endorphins. I need that..otherwise I could spend my days slobbing out, and a day in which I have achieved little or made no real effort leaves me feeling low and rather useless. I should be able to motivate myself, and I have found that if I think too much about it, rather than just getting on with it, I can become defeatist.

There. That's MY groove. It's a shallow groove. I am not busting a gut here...but I am aware and conscious that I can make small changes, daily, that are helpful.

That's about as deep as it gets folks..but if you too are stalling or finding the going is getting tough..if you feel defeated some days, please come and share my shallow groove. I won't have media moguls breaking down my door to sign me up for a book deal or to make the "Grumpy Woman Trudges On" work-out DVD. Those lovely people who have posted and told me I am doing OK when I feel I am not, have helped me beyond belief. I have become conscious of my progress. It's not wonderful progress, but me and fellow trudgers ARE pointed in the right direction. I think we are enjoying the scenery as we go :)

Thanks for your faith in me. You really ARE groovy, babies.

The Long And Winding Road...

2010-08-15T14:58:00.001+01:00

Just been listening to that Beatles' track. One of my favourites and quite apt. This weight-loss business IS a long and winding road, isn't it? I am reminded that this is LIFE..not just a short journey, and it's hit me that it's going to be quite hard to ALWAYS be conscious of the foods I eat, and ALWAYS conscious of the amount of movement I do.

I'd like to say that eating sensibly and exercising daily were now second nature to me, but they're not. I am not sure whether to shrug in a 'don't care' manner, or to blush, because I am a bit of a weight-loss struggler. All I know is, I am fighting lots of mental battles daily...and I really am not fired up to go without foods I enjoy, or to move just for the sake of it. Yes, a blush is probably the most appropriate emoticon to use now.

After my third child was born I decided to shape up and all I know is, it was like my feet had wings. I was flying. I was so into 'doing the right thing' and challenging myself every day, and meeting no self-resistance. The weight came off easily and I toned up. I got into a routine and didn't even think much about getting down on the floor to do ab crunches or cycling in the air. I ate small portions of everything, avoided fatty foods, didn't buy junk and just got on with it. Every morning I did my exercises before breakfast and showering....and then I got three kids out of the house and to the child-minder, and went to work for the day!

Now, I have lots of time on my hands and seem reluctant to spend much of it deliberately moving my body. OK, so I am older, but I am still the same feisty woman who doesn't like to admit to failure, ever. Yes, my post-menopausal metabolism has certainly slowed down, but I get the feeling I could give it a kick-start by exercising more, moving more, working up a sweat occasionally. So why don't I just go and DO IT! Why the reluctance? I have no idea.

Reluctance : a lack of eagerness or willingness; disinclination

Fortunately, good eating habits over the years (or at least not having dreadful ones!) have helped me slightly this time, so I can honestly say I am not eating junk in great quantities or binge eating, but all that has done is helped me to maintain...my fat, sluggish self.

I am deep in the midst of health procrastination - surely the most stupid, self-harming procrastination ever, yet I can't shake it off. It's one step forward, two steps back. I have lost another pound..over the last couple of weeks. That what my scale tells me this morning. So, for all my efforts I am now back to square one...the weight I was a month or so ago. Five pounds gained, and five pounds lost again - eventually. As I have said before, please don't look to me for inspiration. I am being honest here...I am giving you my 'middle-aged, not very fired-up or enthusiastic about this' reality.

I am taking comfort in the fact that I have lost a stone - 14lbs, since I began this blog. Even my blogging tales are about little progress. Losing is better than gaining I suppose.

I want to be running or flying, but instead I am trudging, dragging my feet. I maintain that the biggest part of living a healthy lifestyle is the mental bit. It begins and stays in the head and self-motivation and inspiration comes from there...or doesn't! Any external encouragement tends to be temporary. We have to drive ourselves on and can't rely on cheer-leaders telling us to get back up and carry on. It's good that they do, but what's the point of getting up time and time again only to stand still or to retreat back to where we came from the minute our cheer-leaders go off duty?

I am on a bend of a long and winding road...and there are rocks blocking the road ahead, which I have to get over, around, under....or find the strength from somewhere to shove them aside. There is a rock right in front of me..how do I tackle it? Go away and think about it for a while, or start pushing? This is my life. If I want I can choose to find a cave and get off the road...I can stagnate in there. I seem happy to stagnate and I just can't tell you why!

Hmmm. Comfort zones. That's it I think. I prefer my comfort zones to life on the road. Only, if I stay in my comfort zone I am not going anywhere....and that cave can be a dark place. We all know that. Dilemma. At least I am not filling my cave with pizzas, chocolate, ice cream and doughnuts. The boulder hasn't gone over the opening yet. :) Laughing here. There is always hope, isn't there?

All I know is...I am doing it - or not doing it - for ME. You are doing it for you...and for no one else. I conclude that life on the road has to be a better place, even if I am trudging along, reluctantly and slowly.

Trudge along with me please...anyone else out there who isn't speeding along full of bounce?

I'll leave you with this. You'll know I am not one for schmaltzy stuff and hearts and flowers etc..but I'd read this in my cave and enjoy it. C'mon, Let's trudge :)

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;

When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;

And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit."

~ Unknown

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO !!!! Stupid Woman!

2010-08-10T19:45:00.000+01:00

OK, so I am not really berating myself THAT much :)

I'll explain the reasons for my agitation/self-flagellation in a minute...(Oh, and sisters...fear not. I am NOT a stupid woman, my inner feminist is alive and kicking, but I am allowed to call myself that just for now. I have a stupid head and a sensible one. They are interchangeable it seems.)

I've had a nice day. It's been good - up until 30 minutes ago.

I'd made arrangements to see a teacher friend of mine in Leamington Spa..a short bus ride or drive away, a lovely Georgian town with fabulous regency and early Victorian architecture, lovely formal gardens and lots of decent shops - many of them small, independent retailers - such a pleasant change from all the chain stores in shopping centres up and down the land. (Most malls in big towns and cities - and even small towns, are identical in terms of the shops available...)

So today, my exercise was going to be lots of walking. My lovely man allowed me to take his car, so it saved me the hassle of waiting for infrequent buses. I was rather worried about using it - it's a Jag - a present to himself after an investment policy matured last year. He's always wanted one, has worked very hard all his life, so he treated himself. We are a long time dead, as they say. My insurance covered me, but I was a little nervous about taking it out and driving it. I've been the passenger so far. I had a practice drive last night and got used to it - and it was LOVELY to drive, very easy to handle and very responsive.

So, this morning I drove off to meet a friend up from London, visiting relatives in my neck of the woods. We planned to have a natter and a coffee in the Pump Rooms cafe. I parked the car (carefully and cautiously!) a long way away from our meeting place, so I had a decent walk getting there. It was nice to see her and we could have spent the day together, but we both had plans for the afternoon. I was quite hungry, but avoided the cakes and the lunchtime meals being served, which looked very nice. (Gotta watch the pennies anyway...so coffee sufficed and we were too busy chatting and catching up to eat really.) We hugged, parted and went our separate ways. I had a nice long (fast) walk back to the car-park in the sunshine, stopping now and then to window-shop or browse without spending money. I enjoyed myself. I had to go to the bank in a neighbouring town, so I drove there, putting my foot down on the by-passes. (I think I'd quite like a fast car, even though speed limits here are 70mph on motorways.Driving was a real pleasure.) My old car is lovely - I am very fond of 'her' but she's over ten yrs old now and likes to take it easy. I'll be glad when she's mended, but in a way, having no car is a bit of an adventure, involving walking and checking out bus routes to get to places.

So, I drove to a smaller town, parked again and went to the bank. In the one long high-street there are charity shops galore, selling second hand goods to raise funds for good causes. I had a good old browse in almost every one. It was fun. I picked up some books for next to nothing, and for my man I found a couple of virtually new CDs to leave in his car as a thank-you gift. I was hungry but decided to drive home and make myself lunch there. I was slightly relieved in a way to park my man's car on the drive. Phew! I could relax - no damage :)

I made myself a sandwich of turkey and ham, filled with salad (Lots of red onions, green peppers, tomatoes, lettuce and light mayo.) I washed it down with a mug of tea...then had a low fat raspberry yogurt.

I'd been active and I'd eaten well. I'd met a friend, 'shopped', driven a fast car confidently...and it had been an enjoyable day. UNTIL....

Son number two arrived home from work...and just as he did, the ice cream van pulled up outside. I am sure that van driver times his arrival with my son getting in. Son opened the porch door as the van's tinkling chimes sounded..Then he vanished, only to return with a double cone for himself, and one for me! Bless him. He was being 'kind' but feeders aren't kind! Aaaargh! He hadn't remembered I was trying to eat healthily. He'd done the same thing a couple of weeks ago! Damn that ice cream van! There is no ice cream in the freezer, but when one is presented with a double cone of swirly, soft ice cream - with chocolate flakes in each cone, what does one do???? I mean....do you let it melt or do you lick it? I don't need this sort of dilemma!

So...it's been a good day apart from my ice cream indulgence. I am kicking myself that I didn't anticipate what son would do...and kicking myself that I ate it...and enjoyed it. Not because I think such treats are 'wrong'..(they're not if they're planned and accounted for) but because today I wanted to test myself a bit...wanted to check out my resolve to do this..properly....and ice cream didn't figure in the plan. Ah well. It's no good beating myself up. The 'damage' is done...and yes...I DID enjoy that double cone! (Mixed emotions now...so hard to convey. I am mentally bashing myself up...but gently.) I am going over to man's place tonight, to return his car and have dinner with him. He's doing a low-fat spag bol. I'll have mine without cheese, without garlic bread (sigh) and without much spaghetti! Bugger! :)

In future I shall be hyper-aware of those ice-cream van chimes...I feel quite tired from lots of walking, (about five miles I estimate) but it's a 'good' tired. I am already thinking about meals for tomorrow and the route I'll take on my walk.

Lesson learnt today? Things don't always go 100% to plan...accept the glitches, work with them, but adapt so that at the end of the day, you're still on course. That's what I am doing! :)

Pythagoras said ~ "Choose always the way that seems the best, however rough it may be. Custom will soon render it easy and agreeable." I only hope he is right.

Another week, determination renewed.

2010-08-10T02:48:00.001+01:00

Yesterday's anxieties are behind me - until next Saturday night and the worries the boys' weekend revelries bring. Who'd have kids eh? I love them with all my heart but they do cause me so many sleepless nights - literally. Ah well. "It just wouldn't be a picnic without the ants." ~ as someone once said.

I start this week with a new determination. I've been dragging my feet, allowing life to get me down more than it should. I have to rise above problems, and I can.

I really hope I don't flag and give up on myself.

I tend not to binge eat, or become an all-out glutton, but I eat odds and ends when I feel out of sorts and can't be bothered to care for myself properly. I pick at foods..bits and pieces...and don't cook nutritious meals. Fortunately my 'picking' is just that - a slice of cold meat here, a glass of milk there, one biscuit, an orange, a yogurt, a piece of Edam cheese, a bowl of cereal, a handful of almonds....anything I can get my hands on really, which doesn't require cooking. (It's a good job I rid my cupboards of junk and convenience foods.) All these nibbles aren't too calorific fortunately, as meal substitutes. I think I have kept my intake below 1500 calories on both days this weekend.

I have lost one pound. That's heartening actually, because although I gained weight two weeks ago, I have taken all but one pound of it off again. I seem to be the world's best 'maintainer'! Now, if I can MAKE myself walk more and get on the bike more often I hope I'll see a steady weight loss. I have to dredge up every ounce of determination I have. Life is often in turmoil here for one reason or the other, but that's life. I can't hope for it to run smoothly given our circumstances. There are going to be anxieties, there have been for the last 23 years or more, but should I shelve my wanting a smaller, healthier body because life doesn't always run smoothly? Life doesn't run smoothly for anyone, but it's so easy to allow down times to put a spoke in the wheel of determination and see us grind to a halt. Like I said yesterday...who REALLY cares if I am fat or thin? I have to remind myself that it does matter. I am not getting any younger and the body does break down slowly as we age. We don't function as well if we are not fit, if we are not eating properly and if we are morbidly obese. If I don't determine to lose weight now, when will I lose weight?

Eating sensibly (all things in moderation and no more than 1500 calories a day) and consciously making myself move more cannot be that hard. I CAN do this. What's more, I WANT to do this.

This week I aim to do my very best, one day at a time.

"Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock."

A Bad Weekend...

2010-08-09T00:39:00.001+01:00

It's not been the best of weekends, for lots of reasons.

I don't think I have used food to stifle my emotions though. There's a light spot in the dark. Hooray me, but I have however just neglected myself...It's been a "Shrug. What's it all about Alfie?" weekend, one in which I thought deep thoughts, and ruminated about the whole 'meaning of life' stuff - which of course got me nowhere. I always conclude that life happens - some of it's good, some of it's bad, most of it is mundane. Get on with it. It's good to think though...and I always turn to writing to unload when times get a bit heavy. I wrote lots, mainly last night, in the early hours when I was feeling scared and anxious. Times can be bad, unsettling, worrying and everyone gets their fair (or unfair) share of problems and concerns. I bounce back from bad days/times and although I haven't eaten well..I haven't eaten more than 1500 calories per day since Friday.

On Friday my debit card was refused for a payment I wanted to make. I scrabbled round in my purse and fortunately had just enough cash on me - most of it in loose change - to pay for my goods. I felt flustered. I checked my balance on a nearby cash machine...and yes, I'd gone beyond my authorised overdraft limit. My occupational pension wasn't paid in until Saturday and most of it would be sucked up in re-balancing my account, which meant I'd have a pittance to live on for the rest of September. I mentally thought about all the ingredients I'd need to make reasonably healthy meals for the whole of August/first week of September. Soups and beans on toast sprang to mind! In many ways, I relish a challenge. The bills would be paid...and I could magic up good, healthy meals...I don't like to be defeated. But it played on my mind, all the same.

On Saturday I went out with my man for the day. I am lucky - I have this distraction. I am fat, but loved. Our kids have grown up so we can spend days together, doing what we please. We went to a garden centre on Saturday - one which specialised in ponds, water systems, fish etc. We've been there a lot lately. It was a lovely sunny day and we browsed. We both like gardening but he is more active than I am. He isn't overweight at all, and although in his 50s like me, he is full of energy. I helped him choose plants for the pond..marginals..and he chose some boulders (pricey!) for landscaping around the edges. (He's been building a big pond at the bottom of his garden for months. It's his project.) He picked up a few bags of gravel, and then we went and chose some fish to add to the ones he already has in there. Between us we picked out six. When he paid for this lot at the counter - over £100 worth of hobby items - it hit me a bit. My man has spent a FORTUNE over the months on this project of his. I am glad he is able to do it., but I felt a huge wave of worry and sadness sweep over me. I used to be able to spend without thought...I could indulge in hobbies..treat myself to things, and I can't any more. Now...that's a pathetic whinge..and I know it. (Don't chastise me, please.) I am doing OK...but it niggles at me constantly that I am one pension payment away from going broke. I shan't, because I am sensible, cautious, prudent etc, etc..I'll go without and we'll manage...but oh how horrible it feels to have to question every purchase I make. As I write this I am aware that so many people would consider me extremely fortunate. I know I am....but with aging and lack of money it's like I have a new vulnerability. Add to that the changes that getting older brings..the loss of looks, attractiveness (yeah..looks are superficial I know) and a body which has spread..which is blobby, which I want to cover up in shapeless clothes...I feel a bit of a 'lesser' person. I am a poor, worried, fat, middle aged woman...and thinking this, I brought myself right down. Stupid - I know.

So...Saturday wasn't a good day...and Saturday night brought even more cares and woes...and extreme anxiety. My man took his fish to his pond, we had a cup of tea and a quick freshen up and then we went out to eat. I ordered salmon with peas and beans and a small jacket potato. I couldn't eat the potato because it had a funny taste and was hard, like it had been twice-cooked, or re-heated at least. That was OK..the fish and veg filled me up anyway. Man complained and they took a small amount off the bill. I drank water..felt pleased with my choices (no craving other things on the menu) and when we'd finished man drove me home. It had been a nice day but my financial situation was playing on my mind, worrying me, although I didn't voice my fears or concerns. Man couldn't stay because he had to drive some distance to pick up his son from a works function. Both my (grown up) sons, my young men were out. Sadly in the UK there is a bit of a binge-drinking culture amongst the young. They drink to excess and fall over and/or cause trouble. Police are always on full alert on Saturday night in all the UKs towns and cities. The weekend starts on Thursday for many of them and young people often drink until they fall down. My boys aren't too bad. They drink and socialise, but never in the week and they don't drink at home. They are both anti-drugs. They aren't interested. Saturday night tends to be their night for going out. They attended a friends BBQ and then a group of them went into town and hit the pubs and clubs. Youngest son was staying with friends and oldest would be home later.

What is it with mothers? If I expect my boys home at night I don't switch off properly until they are safely in.

I got ready for bed at about 1am - I wasn't really sleepy - and settled down with a book. I felt drowsy and eventually nodded off, but slept with one ear open. I heard the noise of the diesel-engined black cab outside at 3am. I opened the curtains to look out. Son got out - looked unsteady on his feet, paid the driver and then wandered/staggered off, down the hill away from home..and out of sight. I got up...I was jolted wide awake. I was puzzled, anxious and now wide awake and phoned him on his mobile. I asked him where he was and what he was doing and he said in a slurred voice "I need time alone...I want fresh air, and a walk." (I may have mentioned he is a bit of a Forrest Gump...he walks and walks and seems to need the exercise.) He often walks the six miles home from town after a night out and I worry...but he is an adult now..I can't confine him, but equally, under my roof I need to be the door-keeper. Eventually he returned..walking slowly and unsteadily. I opened the door to save him fumbling for his keys and wished him good night. He needed his bed. I heard him flop down on his bed..and soon he was snoring. Now..OK..except he has medical problems, and I worry. I can't help it.

I told myself worrying wasn't going to help and I went back to bed and fell into a light, restless sleep soon afterwards. I was woken an hour later by the front door and porch door being opened. I was sleepy and confused but my heart was thumping all the same. I peered out of the window again to see son, fully clothed, walk to the end of the lawn and then purposefully sit down. He then lay down and curled up into the foetal position. In my night clothes and bare feet I rushed out...It was almost 5am..dawn. The grass was cold and damp..I bent down, took his arm and asked him to get up. He had been sleep walking and for some reason headed for the lawn...thinking it was his bed. Fortunately, he got up...his eyes were glazed over and he wasn't with it at all. I guided him back to his bedroom and to his bed, where he slept. I wondered though if he was OK...did he need his medication?

That was it. My heart was pounding. I watched him like a hawk all night. I was too wide awake to go back to bed or sleep. I had a small glass of milk and one digestive biscuit - an anxious tummy - in knots - needs soothing. As I sat there, son's bedroom door ajar, me in the study space on the landing..able to look in..I wrote and wrote...trying to get all my feelings out..on to paper. I felt tied up in knots and uneasy for all sorts of reasons. I also felt quite sore that my ex husband, father of the three children, hadn't a clue. I was resentful that he'd gone his own way, many years ago, and left me to the job of bringing up the children (two with chronic medical problems) alone. Oh it all came out on paper. I was tired of seeing to the kids myself, with no back-up....even though they are in their early twenties now and perfectly capable of looking after themselves. They don't though. They are very blase about their conditions. I am still alert and anxious, wanting no harm to come to them..knowing that on the occasions they drink too much, things could go badly wrong. Yeah...I had a pity party..an anxious, scared pity-party.

I sat up, watching the sun come up..feeling very little, feeling quite numb, but aware of my anxiety. If I could I'd have run away. I felt quite trapped. Son woke fairly early with a raging thirst and asked me why I was up. He drank water and told me to stop watching him before he went back to sleep. Fair point - but he was the cause of the anxiety and if anything went wrong in the night, I am the in-house para-medic. (I have had to call an ambulance out before...when their care is beyond me.) I told him in no uncertain terms why I was wide awake and why my sleep had been disturbed.

Morning had broken. It was 9am. I had a banana, read for a while...(my head was buzzing and not ready to switch off) and put some clothes in the washing machine. I eventually fell asleep on the sofa..knowing son was OK...and I slept until 5pm, which means the day was wasted. I haven't eaten much..but what I did eat were bits and pieces..another biscuit, more tea, water, a small orange, a yogurt...a slice of cold meat..a few slices of cheese, a slice of toast. I couldn't be bothered to cook, and I couldn't be bothered to go and shower. I pulled on yesterday's clothes, feeling lifeless, groggy and knowing I'd had a washed-out day. I phoned man and cancelled our evening together.

I often wonder why I bother trying to lose weight. Sometimes I think "Does it really matter? Why bother?" The world turns, whether I am fat or thin. Am I worth this effort? I am of course, but sometimes I really understand why my own well-being isn't a priority. Life gets in the way, and crushes any enthusiasm I might have to better myself. I'll bounce back. I tend to do that, but this weekend, I didn't really care that I was fat. It really didn't matter.

Brace Yerselves! I Am Gonna Be Inspirational!

2010-08-06T10:59:00.000+01:00

OK...so I might be inspirational. No guarantees but it's about time I tried, especially after yesterdays mega-whine. People who read and comment have buoyed me up so far. Their comments and suggestions really help. I'd like to give a little bit back.

The first point I'll make is...I have started today well. Deliberately. I felt so out of sorts yesterday I just couldn't get my act together. I WANT to get my act together, because after all, this is my life. This is it...right now, as a fat woman. This isn't the run up to something better. This is it - right now. We don't get a whole new life when we become thin people...and it's not going to be better or worse because I lose weight...It'll be the same. I'll be proud of myself for wearing smaller clothes and for moving faster. I'll be proud of myself initially for 'doing it' - for taking the steps I need to take so my body loses some of it's fat coating - but those days will be like these days. I may feel lifted because I like eating well and exercising more, but there will be days when I feel down too, thin body or not. The house will be the same, the people in my life will be the same, my circumstances will be the same..and life will, thankfully, hopefully plod on.

I am not waiting for that magic time when I look in the mirror and see a less podgy, smaller woman. I can't allow this process..a life long process, to define me. I am me, living. I can waste my day or I can achieve today. I can make all sorts of decisions which will either make me unsettled and dissatisfied with my efforts, or I can decide to follow this plan I have in my head..and just get on with it. Today I have started well. Up at 7am, one mug of tea and a small banana...I ironed a shirt and packed a lunch for my son, who no longer needs me to take him to work because he has flexi-time, so can make it to his office under his own steam and on the buses. Great. (I have no car anyway whilst mine is being mended...so he has no choice!)

Then I had a think. Some quiet time for reflection. Over the years I have printed out and saved snippets from the internet of bits that have inspired me...not just to do with slimming but to do with life generally. I dug out my folder and had a browse...with another mug of tea on the table in front of me, obviously! I came across this, and I can't credit the author(s) unfortunately, and it's a mish-mash of several articles if I remember correctly, and not just about weight loss, but it did give me a bit of a kick up the backside. I'll leave you with this. Hope it kick-starts you too, if you need pointing in the right direction today.

I entitled it "JUST DO IT!"

JUST DO IT...

You'll feel even sadder when you haven't done the things you planned to do.
Guilt doesn't feel nice. It drags you down and paralyses you.
Get up, and start...do something right now towards achieving that goal of yours, no matter how small.
Then do another small something, and another. Drink water. Dress well. Take care of your appearance. Write down a plan of action for today. Decide what has to be done next, and just do it! Make good choices. You can quit when you like, but you need to get some momentum going to get you out of that rut.

Get up, think positively...start small, but START!

You'll feel good when you do it...that thing that gives you a good beginning to your day, or the action that improves your day, or the one little thing that means today hasn't been a complete disaster. (Believe me, I know)

Just do it! You can do it!
You can do it - and stop looking for avoidance strategies. No one else can do this for you.

What does today hold? Decide what it will hold for you and the steps you will take to make today a good day. You have to make it happen.

You can do it! You'll feel 100% better than you do now for achieving one small thing that you have been avoiding attending to. The guilt weighs so heavy...but in a few minutes, the guilt can disappear if you tackle that problem - whatever it is.

Winner or loser? Your choice. Remember, life is short.

You deserve success, not stagnation and a rut!
Go, go, go!
Start now. Right now!

(Turn off the PC now. Right now. Go and achieve.)

CLICK.

Really Lacking Motivation...

2010-08-05T16:29:00.002+01:00

Hey ho. Another day. Another day feeling sort of down. No real reason, but if I were to guess I'd say I have too much time on my hands and no real purpose in life any more.

Oh don't get me wrong. I have plenty to do around the house and in the garden - but I don't feel inspired to do it. Those jobs are there every day, and if I do them today, they'll be there again tomorrow...so nope, no inspiration in that quarter. I read lots of 'self help' stuff. Inspirational, motivational stuff. The message always is "Just do something. Don't wait for the time to be right. Just do it." I have all the patter, all the advice, and I'd be able to coax and encourage someone else to make something of their day - but can I shove myself in the same direction? No.

Sometimes the advice is "Go with the flow. Feel your moods, your discontent. Embrace it" etc. Have done that too. I am OK. I am cheery generally. I just feel a bit stuck. I have no job...so the social interaction I used to get every day has gone, as has a sense of responsibility and a structure to my day. I didn't think about my days much. They were hectic. I just got on with them.

Even though I was often exhausted, I used to feel fulfilled. Now I don't. Oh, well go and volunteer I tell myself, and I have. I have helped out here, there and everywhere since retirement. Now however, given all my savings have gone, transport costs are a stumbling block. I just can't find the £4.00 per day it costs in bus fares to get anywhere. That sounds pathetic, but it's true. £4.00 will buy us milk and bread for a day. Lack of money also brings me down. I budget, I get by, but constant budgeting is a drain. I know many have to do it - but that fact doesn't console me.

I've looked for part-time jobs, so I can earn a wage to supplement my occupational pension. It's amazing what you have to be 'conversant' in now. Even receptionists earning a poxy basic wage in a back-street tattoo shop have to be familiar with X, Y and Z systems and have a diploma in rocket science. It's incredible.

I scour the job ads, in the local paper and online, and again, feel defeated. Even cleaners have to be super-fit. I doubt very much I'd get an interview given I retired from my last post on health grounds. Then of course, after the age of fifty you seem to be on the scrap-heap. It doesn't matter that you have a wealth of experience, wisdom, loads of transferable skills and are likely to be reliable etc, etc....doors close as you get older. I didn't think it would happen in this day and age, but it does. One of my ex-colleagues in her early 50s, a very able and bright woman who left work when the stress of it all added to her complicated family problems, has been actively looking for work over the last 18 months, and she says if she gets an interview she always, without fail, loses out to a younger person, often someone with fewer qualifications and less experience. She feels disheartened. I'd stack supermarket shelves if I could, but I can't due to the abdominal problems I had. Long periods of lifting, stretching and bending would damage all the repair work I had done a few years ago.

I feel quite stuck and discontented, although I have much to be grateful for. Let me stress that. My problems are nothing compared to what's happening elsewhere in the world and the situations some people find themselves in. I know that, but honestly...this is me, this is now...and we don't constantly remind ourselves that we are lucky we aren't in war-torn, drought-stricken places in Africa. It's all relative, and right now, here in the western world, life seems hard, despite all my blessing-counting. No fluffiness needed thanks. Yes, we are lucky, we have food on the table..but still our days can seem empty and meaningless and we can feel broke and uninspired. Life isn't permanently joyous, and to be blinkered to that reality is a form of denial.

"We must look for ways to be an active force in our own lives. We must take charge of our own destinies, design a life of substance and truly begin to live our dreams." ~ Les Brown

Nope. That's not doing it for me today Les. It's a good point, but I am wallowing, so leave me alone.

I mean really...just WHO DOES design 'a life of substance', except those people who get rich from telling us that we too can design a life of substance? You have to be permanetly upbeat and positive to make that your motto every bloody day. I am suspicious of people who are permanently upbeat and positive.

Most posters apologise for whining. This is a whiny post - and I know it's up to me to change things, and I know moving helps, but this morning, after my half hour on the bike I didn't have the urge to conquer the world, or even the pile of dishes that needed to be put in the dishwasher. Scowl. Boring.

I feel a bit defeated and of course this has the knock-on effect of me not really caring whether I eat three slices of bread instead of one, or whether I go and peel and orange or just let the orange go dry, or turn soggy and mouldy in the fruit bowl.

I conclude that this is life. Get over it. Change it if you don't like it etc. Blah, blah blah. Yup. I have an evening meal to cook and man is coming over later. Yesterday was lovely, I spent it in town with my daughter, who treated me to lunch. We laughed and did lots of shopping. She shopped, I watched and enthused, but it was enjoyable. She also drove me to the supermarket where I stocked up on the bulky things which are difficult to carry home, now I don't have a car.

Life is good. I just don't feel very vibrant, despite being in reasonable health. No antidepressants needed. It's not that sort of 'down-ness' - more of a general discontent with so many aspects of life. I suspect many people know what I mean. Been there?

Thing is, when you feel like that you don't really care what you look like either. Why bother lose weight? Who cares if I do? Know that feeling too?

To remain permanently buoyant and cheer-leadery regarding fitness and diet just isn't me - and keep me away from cheery types like that - please.

I feel we should do all we can to be as healthy as we can...but today? Nope. Today is a drag. I haven't eaten all before me. I am not a binger, but I do use food to fill gaps. Today however, it's almost too much effort to go and spread cream cheese on Ryvita.

I feel better for unloading. Thanks for staying to the end. Tomorrow I'll have a plan of action, but blimey...it's difficult steering your own boat all the time, charting the courses etc. Right now I am going to make a pot of tea (tea is a cure-all, trust me) and I'll have a bite to eat...some Ryvita and cheese, followed by that orange - which will be nice if I eat it today. I'll sit down and watch some trashy televison..(or at least catch up with some decent stuff :)

It's one of those days. I shan't go mad with food to blot out feelings of bleugh-ness. I am going with it, conscious of the fact that the clock is ticking. This really isn't how I want to spend my days...my life. Do we all experience days like this?

Being Strong, Being Weak, Being Me.

2010-08-02T19:19:00.001+01:00

A little kingdom I possess, where thoughts and feelings dwell;

And very hard the task I find of governing it well.

~ Louisa May Alcott

Hmmmm. Today has been a good-ish day in which my strength has pleased me, and my weakness has me wanting to punch myself.

Do you have to be strong all the time you aim to lose weight? I think you do. You have to have such resolve and determination, don't you? You have to get your head round the fact that you are going to do something which will involve denial. Some foods have to be avoided like the plague. Even with my 'all things in moderation' plan, I KNOW I cannot buy some things or have them in the house. If you are trying to lose weight you have to know that it will involve having a discussion with yourself every time you want to open your gob to munch something. You also have to plan and be prepared...and that means we are perpetually conscious of our eating. It's no way to live really, is it? Like I wrote yesterday, I want to return to the days when I NEVER thought about the food I was eating...and yet my weight remained fine and without thinking about it, I was active enough to burn off the calories ingested. It just happened and I remained a slim woman.

Now is now however and the goalposts have moved. I am fat now and it's up to me to do something about it..if I want to. I have a choice. No one is forcing me to address issues, although my own feeling is my poor old heart shouldn't have to pump so hard to keep me going. I mentioned in another post that I am carrying the (extra) weight of a small sofa on my back.

So today I had a hospital appointment. I have no car so how was I going to get there? Well, I could walk up the hill near my home, come out on to the main road and wait for a bus which would take me to within twenty yards of the front entrance of the hospital or I could walk the two/three miles. Stupidly, I found myself running late..I had two phone calls just as I was about to leave the house, so I decided I'd get the bus there. I didn't want to arrive all hot and bothered and flustered because I'd had to rush. I still had a steep hill walk from my house to the bus stop. I saw the vascular surgeon at the hospital who examined me then told me he'd arrange for a scan of my lower legs - so that will be another appointment in the near future. (I keep getting phlebitis which is SO painful and it's not responding to treatment or antibiotics.) I walked out of the hospital and decided I wasn't going to wait for a bus home - I'd walk it. My legs were stinging..but what's new. They sting every day, but I want to walk. I actually LIKE walking. It makes me feel good. I fear being incapacitated.

It was a pleasant afternoon and I'd bought myself a bottle of water, which I swigged at intervals. It was all uphill on the way home, apart from the last little bit which is of course down the steep hill to my front door, but I enjoyed being out in the fresh air and I know walking is good for my circulation. I stopped half way and took a bit of a detour to the supermarket. I knew we were running low on milk and bread and a few other bits and pieces so I did some food shopping and packed my purchases into two plastic bags...being careful to distribute the items evenly, according to weight. I then walked the last mile and a bit carrying two fairly heavy bags...all uphill apart from the downward slope to my house at journeys end. I'd been walking at a steady pace for an hour. A good work-out, with weights! :)

I felt tired when I got in, but was glad I incorporated a good walk into my day. I made myself a mug of tea (there is nothing like tea when you are parched and tired imo!) and I realised I'd worked up an appetite, so I made myself a sardine sandwich and had a small salad to go with it. I love fish.. Oh, I also weighed myself this morning, and although I'd gained five pounds in the week, I'd shed two of them...so I was able to record a three pound gain rather than a five pound one! It was all good...

Yes, it was, until I heard the chimes of the ice cream van outside.

I rarely buy ice cream. I can live without it, but son, just in from work dashed out to the van, wanting an ice lolly after his tiring day at the garage. He asked me as he rushed by..."Want an ice cream Mum?" I should have said no, but I didn't. I quite like that soft, runny, swirled ice cream from the van. Son being generous bought me a double cone...with a chocolate flake in each mound of ice cream. My heart sank when he offered it to me. All my exercise undone...but it looked soooooooo good.

Oh woe is me. What does one do? Here are the choices

A) Chuck it in the bin B) Throw it in the sink C) Flush it down the loo or D) Eat it?

I did of course choose option D.

I am weak. End of. No excuses. I really should punch myself. It looked good, and by golly, it tasted good...right down to the last bite of the crispy cornet. I enjoyed it.

OK, so just like the toast and honey yesterday, I should have shown some restraint. I really don't fight my urges...because I don't often have strong urges..but two days running I have not put up a fight. I have fallen at the first hurdle. In fact..I didn't even attempt to jump it.

I have got to feel 'deprived' I think...in a good way. My 'deprived' will mean I have chosen what I will and won't eat. I shan't rule out ice cream completely, but next time I have one...which could be months from now....it will be a considered choice and not a thoughtless, mad whim.

You KNOW you shouldn't, you tell yourself you shouldn't...

2010-08-01T15:14:00.000+01:00

but you still do. Over-eat I mean. For a reasonably bright woman I behave in such a dumb manner sometimes. I wonder as well if I REALLY want to weigh less. Am I clinging to this fat body of mine for some strange reason?

I have read all the stuff about fat being a layer to protect us from the outside world (the world we inhabit..but one we try to keep 'outside') I have read about fat protecting us from becoming the living, involved, sexual beings we are...I have read about the desire to remain invisible. I have read about the disgust we feel with ourselves for remaining fat, not sticking to a plan etc. I think I have read all there is to read about this fat shield of mine and how it messes with the mind as well as our physical responses and the way we live.

I also know the theory regarding calories consumed having to be calories we 'work off' too..or the way in which we have to restrict our eating/calorie intake if we aren't particularly active. I know about the various food groups. I wasn't always fat and I cooked healthy meals for my children.

When you aren't a fat person you don't give too much thought to the food you are eating, because it isn't stored as rolls of fat on your body. It isn't sitting on your body, staying there.. because you are moving, burning it off, unconsciously. I remained a decent weight for years and years..and there was no exercise plan involved at all. I just lived. You remain an OK shape because you haven't become a binge-eater or someone so depressed they stuff their faces to hide their feelings. You don't lead a sedentary lifestyle. You get up and go out there and live/move. It all comes naturally - or it did to me.

I was once that averaged weight woman who just lived. I made reasonably healthy food choices (mainly because I had kids and thought that was the responsible thing to do) but I didn't consciously avoid foods. If I wanted it, I ate it...and suffered no remorseful feelings, no guilt, no thoughts of having to pound the pavements afterwards to 'burn it off'. I just ate and lived and my weight remained stable. I didn't look fat or feel fat or have too many serious thoughts about my body. I just got on with the business of living. I wasn't a 'perfect' shape, nor did I have the body beautiful, but I had a body which worked, served me well and one which I more of less took for granted. I just didn't think very much or very often about the way I looked. My face was fine, I used make-up, I bought nice clothes and I really didn't agonise over my 'fat parts' or parts which needed toning up. I got all the exercise I needed by being busy - at work, round the home, as a single mum, and as the chief gardener. Life was active...I was involved.

Now, I have gained weight and I feel I am sitting on the sidelines, looking on. I am SO self-aware now. What a change! The reasons why/how I became obese have been documented. I am a fat woman and all of a sudden I am conscious of my shape, conscious of all the 'fat is bad' warnings out there, conscious of all the 'diet' foods on the market, conscious of the blubber, of the way I look in photos and the way I feel about myself. I really, really don't want to be fat any more. There are no advantages...perhaps the only one is that you can eat junk foods to your heart's content, However...with the euphoria of gorging (and tucking into something sweet, or greasy DOES give us a temporary high) comes the awful guilt of behaving in that way..adding to our fatness..keeping us stuck in a place that makes us miserable, despite the "I'm OK" mask we wear in the world. You know you shouldn't, but you do, and feel such a worthless fat slob afterwards.

All I know is, you have to have a PLAN. I am not going to lose weight without one. My day started well. I got up later than usual, I had a small glass of orange juice, showered, dressed and made a pot of tea. I drank one of those small pots of healthy yogurt drink...the ones with the 'good' bacteria, and I ate four pecan nut halves. (In the house because of the disastrous Banoffee dessert episode.) So far, so good...even though some diet-gurus think fresh orange juice is too sweet, too carb laden. I sat down with the paper and drank my tea. I was OK for about half an hour then thought about my intention to be busy later on. I'll have a slice of toast..I'll make my breakfast a bit more substantial I thought. (Yeah - should have had an egg.) I have seeded wholmeal bread, a low cal spread and pure honey. Yum. That will give me all the energy I need to get cracking later on I told myself. However, one slice of toast became three...because it was so delicious..with another mug of tea to wash it down, and at that point I came to my PC with a big glass of water to write about my lack of control, my lack of self-discipline, my lack of following a plan.

I think I have read all the dietary advice relating to proteins, relating to low calorie foods, relating to food combining, related to low carb diets, related to calorific intake, related to metabolism, related to the psychological implications of 'dieting', related to 'the good breakfast' etc. One slice of toast became three slices of toast...and I want to know why I didn't apply the brakes after one slice of toast?

Is it because I just don't want it enough...a lighter, trimmer, more toned body?

Toast and honey isn't a bad choice..It isn't a 'wonderful' choice but it is (if life is worth living!) a choice which can be included in an eating plan. All I want to know is...why did I eat three slices? Why didn't I do what I intended to do after my ONE slice of toast...and go and get active? Why did I have two more slices of toast and fall into a pit of despair about my lack of self-control and lack of ability to follow a plan?

OK, so I am not 'bad' and I haven't wrecked my day. Those slices of toast can be incorporated into the rest of the day's eating...but if I remain this lax about eating and exercise (or just moving, getting cracking on things that need doing) I shan't lose weight. I am full now. I shan't eat again until I am really hungry. I am not thinking of food, or eating, and all I have eaten has been nutritionally sound in terms of vitamins and minerals. I refuse to go to that place where we beat ourselves up and feel defeatist. I don't want to live like that, but I DO feel some disappointment with myself. My body hasn't been stuffed with ice cream or chocolate or pastries. It has however been treated to too many carbs, too many calories.....too much food, which I may or may not burn off. (I could get on the bike or go and do some digging, but mentally I am not psyched up now. The "I should really be in control and I'm not" voice has kicked in.) I do however, having written all this, feel slightly less cross with myself. I remind myself it's about "One sensible choice at a time."

My point is...how do we STOP being self-indulgent? How do we find the strength, day after day, to follow the plan? How do I apply my own brakes? I know I need to be more disciplined about my eating...but the "Just say 'no' " voice can easily be squashed by the smell of seeded wholemeal bread warming up in the toaster.

The need for change bulldozed a road down the center of my mind. ~ Maya Angelou

I wish I was 100% committed so that the need for change was imprinted on my skull. I need to change, I want to change but I hang on to old habits...ones which wouldn't have mattered if I was the slim woman I used to be. I would have had my three slices of toast and got on with my day.

What is your internal self-talk when faced with a food you really want? Mine seems to be "Have it." How do YOU stop yourself over-indulging?

Just Nipped In For A Quickie ;-)

2010-07-30T14:19:00.000+01:00

Har, har har.....

Just thought I'd let you know I have added a weight loss graph to this blog. You know how the weight has just been FALLING off me....not? Well, I had a smile to myself this morning looking at that graph. It doesn't go up or down much.

If I'd been a patient in a hospital bed I'd be flat-lining. The emergency crews would be rushing to my bed-side. My weight loss (har, har again) goes across in an almost straight line!!! :) Hear that machine's shrill whine!

The emergency team would have massive lipo-suction machines with them.

Doc: "OMG. She looks terrible! Stand back! Clear a space! OK....here goes....(sticks vacuuum tube in Fat Grump's rotund stomach) And suuuck!"

Nurse: "It's OK Doc. It's working. She is deflating...She is going down." (Wipes Doc's fevered brow)

Doc: "Thank God. I thought we'd lost her to the great doughnut shop down the road for a minute."

OK, so it made me smile when there isn't much else to laugh about on the weight-loss front.

Man and me are going out for a Chinese tonight. I'll practice restraint. I'll drink water, suck on a noodle and lick a bit of Pak Choi...promise. (I bet Pak Choi enjoys it......)

Sorry. Normal service will be resumed tomorrow. (Hits self.)

Living - Or Merely Existing?

2010-07-29T14:31:00.000+01:00

Sigh. I am having a 'low' day today dear readers. You know...there is nothing awful I can put my finger on, but I feel I am merely existing and not really living. I am plodding through my days. Know what I mean?

I imagine everybody, thin, fat or at a perfect weight has 'bleugh' days when they don't feel very inspired to do much. Today everything is taking such an effort. I feel like I am wading through treacle. All I want to do is sit and wallow. Yes, sounds like depression but it's not - it's sort of a fed-upness with it all, a conscious reality-check of how I am spending my days and I KNOW only I can do something about it.

I feel I have to grab life by the shirt collar and really LIVE it - you know? I am wasting so much precious time almost preparing for how life will be when I am a thinner version of me - which is completely stupid! Today...right now in fact - is all we have for sure. There can't be a golden time when it all comes together and I am transformed. Life doesn't work like that.

I have been inspired by reading blogs about former big people who now look svelte and fit. Life has opened up for them, and every single person who has succeeded in losing weight is urging on others to make the same transformation - because they KNOW life is so much better for them as a slim person. Not only that, it's obvious from reading that they feel mentally stronger and up for challenges. (I feel mentally flabby most days) I read and am impressed, but I feel I am at the bottom of the mountain and they are up there at the top..yelling at me to come and join them. All I can think about is how difficult it is going to be for me to climb up there...Having said that, every person who has succeeded has mentioned that they've done it one day at a time, one good choice at a time...and we can all do that too. Except on days where we feel bad about ourselves. I am having one of those days...and nothing much matters. A grey fog has descended. I feel a bit of a loser.

I'll try and keep this short. (Hear the trumpet fanfare!) If my diet is good I'll feel better. If I try with real conviction to stick to a plan I'll feel better. If I move more and achieve, I'll feel better. If I go out into the fresh air I'll feel better. If I drink a glass of water instead of 'having a little treat' I'll feel better. If I have faith in myself that I can REALLY lose weight and work towards it I'll feel better.

Today I am trying very hard to find that faith in myself. I am wallowing today. I am not living. I am wasting pressure minutes, hours, moments doing nothing...merely existing.

Fat or not fat...this is my life to live...so I am going to have a glass of water, then I'll brush my hair, put on my shoes and go for a walk. I am trying to grab back this (so far) wasted day, a day in which I have felt miserable, fat and fairly hopeless. I'll think about how I can end today on a high note.

I think we all have to aim to shake ourselcves up a bit when we feel we are coasting/wallowing. I am a thinker, not a doer...and oh how I can bring myself down by thinking too much! I get a feeling that fat people can bring themselves down quicker than slim people who are active and doing. It's perhaps not the 'fat' and 'slim' bits that matter as much as the 'active and doing.' THOSE are the key words.

Join me? Lets just DO something...and move ourselves out of the big, fat gloomy place we sometimes find ourselves in.

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

~ Earl Nightingale ~

OMG! My Scale Must Have Broken, Surely?

2010-07-28T12:48:00.003+01:00

I know. "Don't call me Shirley!" (I love that line.) Why on earth am I larking about with a jokey opening when my scale shows a big increase in my weight???? Slap me somebody! Bloody hell! I have lost 14lbs...and it's taken me forever - at least it's come off - but this morning, when I stupidly stood on my scale after biking for 40 minutes it registered a 5lb gain!!!! FIVE pounds!

I mentioned yesterday that within the space of a week my weight can fluctuate 2 or 3lbs either way..and I have been quite good about only weighing myself once a week because of that. Weigh-day for me is supposed to be Monday...and perhaps next Monday I'll have lost those 5lbs (and 2lbs more besides, which would mean I am properly LOSING weight,) but realistically I can't see that happening given my metabolism seems to be more sluggish than that of a snail on Valium. Wail!

I think I have to set myself a challenge. Obviously what I am doing just isn't working very well.

The good news is that I have changed in many respects...and these are changes that I believe will stay with me. I am not fighting any of them. I see lots of little changes as real success..because I feel I am changing for life and doing it without too much resistance.

I don't buy biscuits or cakes any more. Those temptations aren't in the house.

I don't buy or eat things like Pringles or crisps...bags of fried potato-ey snacks or nuts etc to graze on whilst watching TV.

I have stopped buying pizzas for my boys. They'll scoff a whole one as a 'snack', so without mentioning it, I am cutting out some of their unhealthy snacks too. I never was fond enough of pizza to buy one and heat it up at home for myself. I'll eat one in a restaurant, may be, but it's not a food favourite and I can't remember when I last did that. Last year sometime?

I am buying lots and lots of fresh fruit and vegetables and cooking a 'proper' evening meal rather than relying on convenience or processed foods. Again, my boys will eat whatever is there and they'll tuck into a bowl of raspberries quite happily and not moan that they're lacking a stodgy pudding. We were never big pudding eaters really. The fridge is stocked with low fat yogurts and in fact youngest son uses up strawberries and low fat yogurt on his Bran Flakes breakfast.

There hasn't been ice-cream in the freezer for months. I don't buy it.

I only buy wholegrain cereal and breads. I am starting to switch to brown rice and pasta too. Again...as long as it's covered in a tasty sauce, the boys tend not to notice.

I have stopped buying red meat..for no reason other than it's pricey and I really do prefer chicken and fish. We rarely have burgers or sausages at home anyway. They tend to be BBQ items and given the English weather....

I am cutting back on carbohydrates. I am aware of portion sizes..but I do love bread. I often substitute it with Ryvita sesame crackers and cottage cheese. (I like easy-to-prepare, snacky foods rather than meals...so all my grazing has to be on healthy items. Breakfast and lunch tend to be very small meals, so I can have two snacks either side.. I cook a proper evening meal but have a small portion. I find I get full quicker of late.)

I am not a salad eater I have discovered :(. I'll eat a salad if it's put in front of me, but far too many salad vegetables have gone soggy in the fridge recently. I can't afford to be so wasteful...so I am eating tomatoes (something I love) with lots of dishes. I'll only buy leaves now if I KNOW I'll use them up straight away in pitta breads or wraps. Again..the boys will eat them too and I prefer baby spinach leaves over lettuce.

I have stopped drinking wine. I don't drink alcohol any more. No real reason other than I don't want 'empty' calories. I am hooked on fizzy mineral water! Even if we go out to eat, I'll wash down my meal with water. When I last had a glass of wine I decided I preferred the clean experience of water over the sour, slightly acidic taste of wine. Calories saved. No hardship. OMG...does this mean I am now teetotal??? (My dear old Irish Mum used to be a member of a Temperance Society when she was a young woman. The motto was "Water is the best fluid to drink. Neither man, plant nor animal can live without it." I remember her quoting that...even though she happily indulged in a 'medicinal' tot of Irish whisky most nights up until the day she died in her 80s.)

I have been getting on the exercise bike and pedalling for at least 30 mins five days out of seven.

What I haven't been doing? :(

1) I haven't been walking much, or 'going for walks' for the exercise value of them. I can't seem to make myself go out of the house just to walk. No idea why. It's free exercise yet I seem a bit loathe to do it. Any tips?

2) I haven't been ignoring the late-night call of the munchies. I have always been a night owl and find I am eating at 11pm or later! Last night I had a slice of toast and honey and a mug of tea just before midnight. That's when I prowl the house in "I want to eat!" mode.

3) I am not weaning myself off my sedentary hobbies. I still spend large parts of my day sitting down...reading, computing, drawing, watching TV...which just isn't good.

I have jobs around the house to do and a garden to tend to but my favourite word seems to be mañana. That's my by-word now I have retired. Mañana. I put things off until 'tomorrow'...and I am kicking myself because even though I am aware it's a very bad habit, I can't break it. I have read so many self-help articles about procrastination, but none seem to help. I am aware I just have to get up and DO IT, but I have become very good at completely ignoring that little voice in my head. I wrote about a Penalty Ogre a few posts back. I really do need to install one in the cupboard under the stairs so he can unleash himself and roar at me and beat me up throughout the day.

Yes, I still have the home-made posters with "Heart Attack", "Stroke", "Blood Clots" written on them, pasted up near my computer. I ignore them. (Yup...at my peril, I know.) How do I stop being so bloody blasé?

The kids have grown up and go out to work...and I have retired. (I must mention here that I am not a 'pensioner' in the proper sense of the word. I stopped working at 50...I am a 'youngish' woman still - or so I tell myself. I'd hate to be thought of as an old crone, way past her sell-by date.) I don't have a husband coming home at night, so I don't even try to be a domestic goddess. I do what has to be done. Sinks and loos are spotless, as is the kitchen floor. I have a nice home...but I am not going to wear myself out finding houswork to do even though I am not a complete slob. A once a week purge suffices. (I was brought up being aware of the Shirley - hey I got that name in again!- Conran principle for feminists of the 70s...'Life is Too Short To Stuff a Mushroom' Superwomen everywhere were looking for ways to become more efficient. Huh. Life isn't too short to eat a stuffed mushroom though - is it?

Another of her sayings was "I make no secret of the fact that I'd rather lie on the sofa than sweep beneath it."

Oh I hear you Shirley! :)

So, there we have it. I am OK with food..mostly...I have the odd small indulgence, but I am very geared up for healthy eating...but I am not burning calories very well. I burnt off 187 calories on the bike this morning. I do plan to go for a walk this afternoon. I have to pick up repeat prescriptions from the Doctor's surgery and I don't have a car - it's still being mended. (I have a great chunk of engine in my hall. Son brought it home from work. He is stripping down my car engine in the garage where he works, as it needs a new cam belt...big, big job apparently. I think many people scrap their cars when the cam belt goes..if the car is getting on a bit. I don't have that option. Anyway...I have a big rectangular chunk of metal in the hall. I think it's the 'head'...which has to be 'skimmed.'? I haven't a clue what men are on about when they talk engine talk. I pick up the vocabulary but it means nothing....selective ignorance on my part alas. My man is an engineer so he'll skim it in his workshop to save a bit of money.) Oooops. I digress.

I have to get to the doctors today so I'll walk. That's another thing...some of my prescription drugs cause weight gain. I have an underactive thyroid and both types of anaemia..iron deficiency and Pernicious Anaemia...so I have to be injected with Vitamin B12 regularly. My auto-immune system isn't good. I have other chronic complaints too, and I have to take preventative medication as well. I rattle with drugs. I know I am so laid-back I am almost horizontal...and that's personality/character wise, even before I have pilled-up with the medicines I have to take every day. I think I'd have to live on about 600 calories a day to make any difference to my weight :(

Someone soon WILL invent a magic wand, silver bullet and super pill to instantly remove fat. They have to, and I'll be the first guinea-pig to try them out! ;-)

Yes...I must become more active. (How do you MAKE yourself go out and walk?) I may get violently active with my scale if it still registers a 5lb gain next Monday. Here's hoping your scale is being nice to you.

From The Shoulders Up.....

2010-07-27T13:16:00.001+01:00

I look OK. Passable, or good even for a fat woman, when I can be bothered to apply make-up, do my hair and wear a necklace and dangly earrings. It's hard convincing myself that I am still worth that effort some days though :(

Another story coming up. Bail out now if you don't have the time to read - you have been warned :)

My man and I had been invited to a 'presentation' on Saturday afternoon, at a place out in the countryside, near Warwick. Now, this presentation was a hard-sell of some holiday scheme or other...we knew that...we were aware of the tedious presentation and the sales patter we'd have to sit through for at least 90 minutes, but the carrot they dangled was a free holiday in Europe for a week, for two people, just for turning up. They needed 'mugs' to sit through a personal presentation with one ultra-friendly (and it has to be said - smarmy) sales person per couple. We'd be shown pictures of luxurious holiday resorts and then wonder at the 'marvellous' offer they could make us....which was "for one day only." What a surprise huh?

'Snooze and you lose - this promotion is for the lucky couples selected and the incredible deal we offer you is offered today and for today only' said the ultra-slick, rather over-friendly salesman, giving it all he could to make us part with our hard-earned dosh (or should I say my my man's dosh. I don't have any spare dosh these days.) For a hefty (er sorry...'reasonable') fee forked out there and then, or arranged by a finance company, (nice commission for the sales team) we could holiday for life like millionaires, at top hotels all around the world. Yeah right. The salesman conveniently forgot to remind us there were annual maintenance fees on top of the quite considerable cash lump sum he wanted us to part with, and we'd also have to purchase flights/transportation form airports etc...and find spending/food money when we got there. We'd be tied into this until we battled to get out. If we wanted out there was NO way we'd ever get a fraction of our investment back. (Are you already aware that I have an excellent built-in bull-sh*t detector? I think it's good to be aware and even downright cynical at times :)

We accidentally got caught up at one of these promotional events years ago...Once our joint income had been ascertained (via internet lists we presumed ) we were there for the taking - except we didn't cough up. We needed time to think, which wasn't part of the sales team's deal. We went along as innocents - lambs to the slaughter almost. However, for sitting through the presentation, given by an extremely jovial and glamorous woman, we did get a free weekend in London out of it...and a small portable TV and DVD player, which we thought was a good deal. My son got the free TV as he was just going away to University, and would need one in his room.

My man got the call a few weeks ago, inviting us to another holiday scheme presentation. We knew we weren't going to buy, no way were we going to part with thousands of pounds, but we also knew it was worth wasting a couple of hours listening to a sales pitch, if we got something out of it. We didn't have any other plans, so sad people that we are, we drove out to the converted barn in the middle of the countryside and steeled ourselves for the onslaught :)

(Hey, apologies to any sales people out there! I couldn't do that job for all the tea in China.You have to be a certain sort of person don't you, to convince others to part with their cash for a product you have to flog whether you believe in it or not...and usually all for commission or a bonus on top of a measly salary. That's the way it is in the UK anyway. You need balls to be able to do that...I just couldn't and I almost want to buy any product, just to give the hard-working sales person a bonus.)

Now, back to my 'making an effort'. Of late, since I stopped working I have been feeling soooooo 'poor'. I know it's all relative and I count my many blessings every day. I get by, just, but I feel the pinch often and have had to tighten the financial belt lots and lots. I can't splash the cash any more, and being a woman who loves to shop, that is sometimes very hard. Living on an occupational pension, saved for over 30 years, isn't the same as having a monthly pay cheque coming in! It doesn't go very far when all the bills have been paid. I have to count every penny and think about my budget all the time. I just don't buy clothes, shoes, make-up, toiletries etc as I used to, nor do I get my nails done or visit the hairdresser very often. I don't go on unnecessary journeys, I have to budget for food and I can't remember when I last bought a winter coat or new boots. Even things like books and newspapers I've had to fore-go. I am OK with that - mostly. I've never been 'high maintenance' but equally, when I worked, if I really wanted it, or needed it, I'd buy it! Those days have gone. I'd become a down-market version of me.

But, for this presentation I thought I'd make the effort. It was a Saturday...and style-wise it's usually an any old top day and I'll tie my hair up and wear jeans and trainers and not bother with make-up. However, I wanted to meet the slick sales team, all in suits and ties and looking 'expensive', looking good myself. I know the women selling at such events tend to go over the top - a bit like the unapproachable and ultra glamorous women on the cosmetics counters in the stores. Their hair and make up is immaculate but laid on with a trowel it's so thick. I always feel scruffy and unkempt in their presence...and that's an observation rather than an admittance of inferiority:) I wanted to make the most of myself on Saturday.Weird - yes. Unnecessary - yes. Unwarranted - yes. But an opportunity to look good, look the part...seem like a woman who would, in consultation with her partner, consider spending thousands? Oh yes. This was an opportunity to dress up, and look good.

I showered and styled my hair. I gave myself a manicure and painted my fingernails and toe-nails. I gave myself a facial...and then, with a hand held magnifying mirror (evil things!) and in a good light...right up at the window...I plucked my eyebrows and squinted to find any facial hair. Oh yes...that's one of the fruits of waning hormones and ageing! I am very fair skinned so have been lucky to have light hair anyway, but to my horror odd stray hairs sprout at the edges of my lips...and one fair hair had taken up residence on my chin!!!! They weren't obvious I don't think, but all the same, they were plucked out! Ouch. Moisturiser and foundation were applied..then eye make up...I lightly pencilled in my fair eyebrows, then applied high-lighter to my eyelids and several coats of mascara to my lashes. I added a little blush to my cheeks and then applied lipstick. I like my lips. Although not full and plump I am blessed with a perfect Cupid's Bow shape on the top lip...so I accentuated that. I piled my hair on top of my head and wore silver earrings and silvery blue beads round my neck, to go with the denim-blue blouse I wore. Yes. Making the effort was worth it. I looked good...

Bump. <~~~~ that was me coming down to Earth. No I didn't. Who was I kidding? I looked good in a small mirror..the one over the bathroom sink which reflected my head and shoulders. When I looked in the full length mirror in my bedroom I looked fine from the shoulders up....but I got wider and wider as I went down...My mid-section was still rotund and protruding, my backside still had a shelf on it and my legs looked chunky in 'smart' jeans. I didn't see the face..I saw the whole picture. I long for the day when I can look in a mirror and not feel shame. I used to enjoy preening and looking at my reflection but those days are long gone. OK, so a mirror only shows us what's on the outside. We know the inside is good...but isn't it hard to FEEL good when the outside doesn't look good?

I expect many of us have heard..."Oh you have such a lovely face" or "You'd be so pretty if you weren't so big" type comments. They really do apply..

Anyway, I am big enough and grown up enough to appreciate that despite my shape I am a decent person. My self-worth is still intact, but I just KNOW my confidence isn't what it used to be now that I am fat. Isn't it strange that we can act confidently, project confidence and serenity and seem as though we are OK with what we are...but it only takes a mirror to burst any bubbles we have about looking good. A mirror can deflate us, a mirror can bring us back down to earth and keep us there.

So we attended the sales pitch. Fortunately, I sat behind a table, so my top half showed. There was a lot of eye-contact as the overly jolly salesman made his pitch. The focus was on us. My face looked good :) I could keep my arms on the table and hide the blubbery tyres of fat round my middle. (I won't say 'waist' because I just don't have one!) Even if I didn't look good in the full-length view, I felt good for having made an effort...for having accentuated my best bits. I decided that I would do that again...more often. We laughed later on in the car about the over-the-top bonhomie and how this ultra-friendliness - almost two hours of it - INSTANTLY dried up as we told the team we didn't want to buy. The smarminess vanished and it all became awkward...as it did for other couples who'd been given the hard-sell. We were of no interest any more. It was all a false front. Even if we'd attended as innocents, we weren't being offered a good deal. We escaped with our voucher and VOWED we'd never do it again. It just wasn't worth it.

Anyway...long story, but that outing was why I made an effort. I make the effort with my looks on other occasions too, but since I have become overweight I tend to lack confidence in myself. Isn't that strange? With ageing we aquire wisdom, self-knowledge and a certain authority, but now that I am fat I have found my self-confidence is all a front...it's an act. In fact, it's as genuine as the salesman's friendliness.

I am going to have a long wait before I look good in a full length mirror, and although my reflection is disheartening, I can't let it dictate again and again about how I feel about myself. I am hoping that some time next year I won't feel so down when I look at myself. The damage can be repaired, to a certain extent. I'll never have an ironing board flatness, and I may remain slightly squidgy..but I can regain a shape and I can tone up even if I can't regain my youthful bloom. I can regain SOME pride in my appearance. It's easy not to make the effort when you are overweight. I know I go out and hope that I won't be noticed. I don't want to draw attention to myself. But it's also good to accentuate the positive, as I did this weekend. In fact...since Saturday I have been trying a bit more with my face..not the full make-up palaver, but I am 'grooming' myself more and wearing bracelets and beads...and choosing different earings. My Cupid's bow lips have been glossy..and my smallish eyes have been highlighted. My blonde hair has been piled that little bit higher and it's cost me nothing except a bit of time and effort.

I am worth that time and effort. I gained two pounds at the beginning of last week, and by Sunday they had gone. It goes on, it comes off...or so it seems, whether I make much effort or not. Why can't it just stay off? I am 'maintaining' well...(sigh) and I have to be satisfied that I am not gaining. I know I need to make more effort with my diet and my exercise routine. I don't think we can feel good about ourselves if we don't try. I made the effort with my face and hands....and although it didn't fix my plump body, it helped me feel a bit better about myself. Now I really do have to work on my body. I think I may feel better about myself for trying that little bit harder with respect to my eating and exercise..every single day. Not trying is a sure-fire way to self-loathing and further neglect.

I came across this as I was browsing and found it quite appropriate and comforting.

“God makes three requests of his children: Do the best you can, where you are, with what you have, now” ~ African-American Proverb

OK...you males and females out there...go and do a bit of grooming. Make the best of yourselves. Fat or not, it's good for our well-being to make the effort and not give up on ourselves. In fact, we have to learn to like ourselves, whatever our shapes. Go on - you are worth it - go and accentuate your good bits today! :)

The Penalty Ogre - Looking For Fat People Everywhere.

2010-07-21T13:27:00.000+01:00

I think I am a bit of a laid-back individual. I am the tortoise not the hare. I'll race but not care if I don't get a medal. I am not incentive-driven really. I am happy for others to come first...although if by chance I come first and am recognised as a winner, I am pleased to bits. For me, being a winner in some aspects of my life HAS come naturally - just because of the way I am. I just wish I were a natural winner in ALL quarters. I am not, alas.

I have seen results in my working life..I have been a winner there. I won't say they've been without effort, because I have always given 100% effort. I have worked hard, I am a bit of a perfectionist (not a good trait but anything which has my name on it has to be perfect) and with experience I have gained skills. This has been recognised by my employers without me having to compete against others or shout from the roof-tops about the good job I am doing. I just get on with things, and have been fortunate to have been recognised and promoted. I am also fairly modest. I am not good at blowing my own trumpet and drawing attention to myself...I just get on quietly with doing the best I can...and fortunately, this has brought good results.

I have worked hard..but not been all that eager to climb the career ladder. I did, but only because other people wanted me to move a few rungs up...I didn't fight for a better salary. I didn't do a good job because I wanted promotion...ever. Easily contented...that's me.

I am, sadly, not terribly ambitious. Is that a fault do you think? Should people STRIVE to be the best they can be - or is that the fast track to stress and associated illnesses? I became a career success almost by default - if that makes any sense? I am not complaining. It's just that I got on by being 'me'... laid-back, not-at-all-competitive me..not someone racing to succeed, competing to be recognised or HAVING to do well. (I acknowledge that I was lucky other people cared that I should earn more for my work, and wanted to give me more responsibility/pay but as long as I have enough, money has never been a driving force in my life.) Like I said..I am OK with coming second. It doesn't eat away at me because I am not first. Rewards don't seem to work for me or spur me on to greater things :(

I have been wondering about why some people go about losing weight with a passion...and I don't. Jack Sh*t (sorry..not sure how to do a link) mentioned a few posts back about not being able to catch the spark to light the fire and boy did that hit home with me. That's exactly where I am. This is one area where I wish I could drive myself on into caring more or wanting to be a winner. I am dawdling along, knowing all the reasons why being overweight is not good for me, knowing about the illnesses and complications being fat can cause, yet NOT doing my utmost every day, every moment, to make the fat go away. I wouldn't be sitting here typing now if I REALLY cared. I'd have been out for a long walk already this morning if fat-busting meant that much to me. Like I have said before - I spend far too much time online, sitting on my fat arse.

There are penalties for being fat that we ALL know about. We wrote the lists, didn't we? Clothes don't fit, we can't move properly, chairs aren't big enough, we get out of breath, people stare, we feel awful about ourselves, become depressed, hide away, we stop taking part, we can't take part, our reflections sadden us, and we could become very ill, and not be around for our families. All horrible attachments that come with our big, flabby bodies.

If we know all this awful stuff and we experience it too, why do we carry on being fat? Why aren't we using every single moment of our existence on fighting the flab, being active, eating like a sparrow etc? We know HOW to lose weight. Only the dedicated get the job done. Many bloggers ARE successful. I am blogging because I want to be, but without humongous (and noticeable) effort on my part, I am not going to get the rewards. My kids haven't seen me picking at salads or full of enthusiasm for a walk around the block. No one would really know I am cutting back and trying to lose weight, even though I tell them I am. No one has exclaimed "Oh Grump! You are looking good!" I am not looking good - yet.

An article in Psychology Today, says that “Rewards produce only a temporary upswing in productivity; they are strikingly ineffective at inducing lasting changes in attitudes or behaviour.”

It's true. The reward of smaller clothes tomorrow doesn't work for me. The carrot has to be dangled and dangled and dangled to get us to do more and do better for a reward. There are incentives to lose weight...all personal ones. I am reminded of my training back in the '70s, and the lectures I had regarding intrinsic and extrinsic rewards. It all makes sense. That's why I flounder. If only I did a excellent job on myself every day, without thinking - like I did with the task in hand when I worked.

Is the stick more effective than the carrot? I have been wondering - if there were penalties - serious, scary, tangible and frightening penalties - issued to us on a weekly basis if we didn't drop one pound of weight (which is do-able) wouldn't we all be working-out like demented things and living on fresh air? We'd all drop not one but two pounds or more if we were scared of the enormous, loud, green Penalty Ogre coming to visit us every Saturday with his booming voice, ugly talons, scales (weighing scales that is!) chains and a cage in which he would take us away to a hideous place if we hadn't lost a pound. If there were no hiding place...if the ferocious Penalty Ogre could seek us out, wouldn't we commit like crazy to working-out and cutting back on calories? Fear is a driving force, yet the fear of ghastly diseases and even early death can be put on the back burner most days, for slackers like me.

Isn't this true? "Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out" ~ Karl Augustus Menninger

The penalties of being fat are all the things listed above and more. Even the thought of ill health doesn't spur us laid-back types on. It might niggle away at our consciences, (it does, constantly) but for people like me, that's about all it does. The recognised, destructive penalties of being fat I can live with. I must be able to - you must be able to - because we do. I can't work myself up to being 100% committed, nor can I work out like a loony, which given I am older and post-menopausal I really need to do. I need more fear.

I think the Penalty Ogre might be a good thing. Do you need him too? Bring him on!