Summer Time, And The Livin' Ain't Easy.....

Feeling down and I shouldn't be. I just don't like myself much really, at least not today. I have so much to do before we fly off to Marbella on Thursday, (volcanic ash permitting - more flights have been cancelled today)  and I SHOULD be excited to spend time in a really lovely villa, with a big deep pool, surrounded by sub-tropical gardens with my man's sister and her husband, but I'm not. I cannot work up any enthusiasm, and I hate myself even more for being a miserable old cow. How good is it to get a holiday in the sun FFS! Cheer up!

MY feet need sorting out..hard skin removing, heels moisturised, toenails trimmed and painted.etc. My hair needs an ashy blonde rinse to hide the grey showing through. Have I done it? Nope. Have I dug out my skimpy summer clothes and ironed them? No.Toiletries sorted and packed? No. I have approximately 48 hours before we take off for the airport and I feel NO enthusiasm. Why? I even (boldly and bravely) bought myself a new swimming costume for this jaunt. Now, all I feel is a sense of dread. I'd be happier wallowing at home I think.

I bet every overweight person knows why I am not filled with enthusiasm. There are two reasons. One: It's the baring of the flesh. It's the wearing of clothes which reveal the rolls of fat, the blubber...the mottled legs, the cellulite-ridden thighs...the flabby upper arms, the puffy ankles. Winter clothes are my friends - big, baggy and covering the bod well. Reason number two : Not only am I out of shape and out of sorts but our companions for the week, my man's sister and her husband are sleek, slim, well groomed people. Man's sister isn't aware she is doing it, but she DOES run her eyes up and down people in her company. She has a good look. It all comes effortlessly to them. I feel inferior. (I know, it's stupid.) They are well paid professionals too...(he is a lawyer) and I am early-retired, and having to count every single penny I spend. I hate feeling like the poor relation. Why does this huge inferiority complex emerge when I KNOW I have lots going for me if only I could be bothered to think about all the ways in which my life is perfectly good?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

~Eleanor Roosevelt

How true. I am thinking myself down and I find it SO easy to do. I think our confidence vanishes as our waistlines expand.

My man is paying for my flights and he'll buy meals and drinks etc when we are out there. I can't afford holidays any more, and that doesn't rest easy with me either. I am VERY proud, and since divorce (and even during marriage) I have always worked, been independent, providing for myself, paying my own way etc. I was able to do that until recently, when I was working, and my man and I always went 50-50 with expenses. I insisted we did. My man tells me it doesn't matter, he wouldn't go if I didn't accompany him etc, but it does matter to me. Pride is a stupid emotion, but I find it hard to shrug off. I find it hard to rely or depend on others...I just like to feel 'equal' - in all respects. And retain my independence too. Does that make sense?

Anyway, this fat woman is going out to the sun, to a lovely, quiet and pretty part of Spain yet can't work up any enthusiasm. Sigh. I don't want to seem ungrateful. I know it's a lovely treat but the fatness, the sleek company, the lack of money, the lack of feeling good about myself, all stand in the way of my becoming excited about having a lovely holiday. Oh another thing. MY man's sister has informed him that one night we are driving up to the mountains, to a lovely hotel ('very elegant' apparently) to have a meal with their wealthy ex-pat friends - both lawyers - who live in Spain. (I met them once - they are extremely wealthy, confident and a bit jet-setting) and knowing that has worried me. Very elegant? I can't remember the last time this dumpy middle aged woman looked elegant. Nothing I wear looks 'elegant' on me. I'll resort to wearing black again I expect. Why do I compare myself unfavourably with other people? Do most fat people do this secretly? (Oh, all these worries are internalised, never expressed, even to my man. I am grateful I can share them with you here. I hope someone understands 'where I am coming from', to coin a phrase. )

Being overweight really can bring us down, can't it? I dithered about starting a PROPER healthy lifestyle. (No reason why - perhaps I felt I couldn't do it? Perhaps, like so many of us, I have become used to hiding behind my fat shield and I have become comfortable there?) OK, so I started the healthy eating /move-more campaign (eventually!) and so far I have been reasonably successful, (I lost 2lbs this week) but that initial elation seems to have worn off. I want to lose six stones overnight. Where is that magic pill? I have so much to be grateful for, but why am I not happy? Why can't I feel enthusiastic about this holiday? I am a cheery person by nature and despite my blog title, not miserable or grumpy. I am a realist though. I long ago gave up sugar-coating life's trials and tribulations. I was able...I AM able... however to look for chinks of light in most dark situations, and as mentioned in a previous post, I am a fighter.

I think it's hit me that the whole 'becoming a different shape' business is a hard slog. Some of the struggles will remain despite my shedding pounds. It's a long journey too..and I am wondering if I am worth that effort? Am I able to keep fighting for a slim body? Will I eat healthily on holiday or will I go with the flow and eat everything that's served up, and drink wine with the rest of them? Dare I cause a fuss and play with my food, refuse the wine? Oh decisions, decisions. I remain the same me internally, and my problems remain the same no matter what my shape, no matter what the number on the scale reads. Life has thrown so many boulders in my path - over many, may years. Many of the rocks hit me too and felled me temporarily, and I won't bore you with the details, but sometimes I get sick of the 'picking myself up, healing myself, dusting myself down and faking it till I make it' process. I have done it again and again and again. I expect many of us have, but it does wear us down. I think I am looking for a quiet, easy life now, and weight-loss is yet another struggle on the road. I tell myself I am worth it - and I am - but I have never been very good at looking after my own needs.

I want nice feet, I want nice hands, I want nice hair for this holiday, and it is within my power to ensure those parts of me ARE nice before we fly out. I can't remove the tyres round my middle, or the padding/shelf on my arse or my extra chin, but I do scrub up well when I make the effort. It's making the effort that's getting me down. Anyone else have these times?

Ah. This too shall pass...this apathy, this procrastination. The holiday is booked, people are expecting us and I need to buck my ideas up. I am sure I'll have a good time once I am there. My apathetic mood had better pass quickly because I only have today and tomorrow to do EVERYTHING before we take off for the airport!! Grrrr.

I hate this bloody song.... (*laughs*)
"Oh this year i'm off to Sunny Spain, Y Viva Espana!

I'm taking the Costa Brava 'plane. Y Viva Espana!
If you'd like to chat a matador, in some cool cabana
And meet senoritas by the score, Espana por favor!
Quite by chance to hot romance I found the answer

Flamenco dancers are by far the finest bet.
There was one who whispered 'oh hasta la vista'
Each time I kissed him behind the castanet (*snort*)
He rattled his maracas close to me  (ooooer!)
In no time I was trembling at the knee

When they first arrive the girls are pink and pasty (Yeah right. Pink FAT and pasty.)
But oh so tasty as soon as they go brown (I wish...reddish and plump. Not a good look.)
I guess they know every fellow will be queuing (Ha ha ha ha! Yeah.)

to do the wooing his girlfriend won't allow.
But every dog must have his lucky day

That's why I've learnt the way to shout 'ole!'

Ole! :)  Hey - sorry for this moany post, and thanks for 'listening' to me un-load here and share my worries with anyone out there reading. I think I have cheered myself up :) Let me at my toenails!

Doldrums, Stagnation and The Carpenters.

Feeling a bit bleugh this morning..or early afternoon. I feel listless, and not fired up. It would be so easy to sit and stuff my face. Why is food comforting?

DOLDRUMS: The dictionary definition.

a. A period of stagnation or slump.

b. A period of depression or unhappy listlessness.

a. A region of the ocean near the equator, characterized by calms, light winds, or squalls, hazardous to sailing boats.

Hey, I am feeling a bit down, but I can't stagnate just yet FFS! I have only just begun. Cue Carpenters song.

Altogether now, sing along.  This one is made for us.

We've only just begun to live,

White lace and promises (insert 'white, extra strong, reinforced gusset XXL big Bridget Jones knickers' and 'promises to self')
A kiss (an eating plan) for luck and we're on our way.
And yes, We've just begun.


Before the rising sun we fly, (or huff and puff into the day)
So many roads to choose (the cake or apple roads)
We start our walking and learn to run. (Ha ha ha! ME? Run?)
And yes, We've just begun.


Sharing horizons that are new to us,
Watching the signs (scales) along the way,
Talking it over just the two of us, (and anyone else who wants to read my blog)
Working together day to day (Yeah. Your encouragement has been SO good. Thank you.)


Together. (In blog world.)


And when the evening comes we smile, (if we've had a good day and because we feel more positive)
So much of life ahead  (so true)
We'll find a place where there's room to grow, (What? Fuck off. I have done with growing!)
And yes, We've just begun. (I have.You have too and you're getting there or there already!)

I am not feeling wonderful. I have a 'can't be bothered with anything' mood. If I had a cave I'd go to it and hibernate for a while, but I don't. I have to get on with it. No pigging out to soothe a damp, chilly May day. I have housework to do. Oh deep joy.

Oh. I shunned the pastries last night. It sounds like my life is one social whirl, because I was at ANOTHER birthday party last night. Can you believe it? Trust me - this is unusual. Loads of 'functions to go to but wierd that they are coming one week after another. This time it was my man's niece's birthday. She was 30 and had a 'do' at a pub. Music - good DJ. (Are they called DJs any more? Son tells me you call 'em MC Fatz Cyan Tiffick or something silly like that. My rocker son tells me MC stands for 'Musically Challenged'...but I digress.) Anyway. Big characterless pub given over to the event and typical pub food buffet was served. Not nice really. White bread, lots of it, cheap marge, cheap tasteless cheese - not that I had more than a nibble..pork pies, sausage rolls, vol au vents, more pastry than filling, scotch eggs, crisps, cheese and pineapple on sticks, salted peanuts, a small bowl of salad and chicken drumsticks. That was about it and cakes galore to follow. Not inspiring. I chose bread - a ham sandwich - which was fatty, an egg sandwich and God only knows how the person responsible for food managed to make it SO unpalatable. It was tasteless..watery mashed egg. Ugh. Had to fold it over and leave it on my plate. That stodgy white bread was gross.  I also had two pieces of chicken (I was hungry!) and as many tomatoes, pickled onions and lettuce leaves as I could grab without looking like a fat salad thief. I also loaded my plate with sticks of celery..(only used to garnish the pastry items...I don't think whoever prepared the food imagined someone would eat it!) I took every last bit of skin/fat off the chicken (I hate fat on meat) and I drank three glasses of soda water with a dash/hint of lime cordial added..They got that right. Nice tall glasses and lots of ice. I pretended it was a gin and tonic. No cake. No dancing. (I am too fat and self-conscious to strut my stuff...it ain't a pleasant sight.)

It was easy to be good. I didn't feel deprived. I actually felt sorry for the people munching down those crisps and greasy pastry items. I have been quite discerning about the food I eat for a long time. My problem is the almost unconscious nibbling of goodies and treats, cakes, sweet things offered me, savoury things I like offered me and not moving. I tend not to buy junk - well, not in huge quantities. I am guilty of buying us treats and the odd 'sweet' thing on offer. That spoils our otherwise healthy eating. Not big quantities, but every now and then there are treats in the house - bought by me - and given I don't move much, fatness follows. My boys are active and slim. They burn off bits of junk and have no food hang-ups like me. I can't afford fast food take-aways any more. I have weaned myself off them, but know if someone was having a celebration at McDonalds I'd join in. No self-discipline really. I am half-way there in a limbo-land of wanting to do the right thing but being easily tempted! My man suggested we go out for 'an Indian' - a curry - this evening. That involves buttery, oily (but tasty!) sauces, rice, huge naan breads and deep fried poppadoms to start with. It has to be washed down with lager.

I heard myself saying "Ummm. Not good for me really." Where did that come from? I really don't want to pig out any more. This morning I am feeling just plain dreary. I don't want to do what I have to do, I just want to slob out and watch TV. I shan't because if I don't clean the house no one else will...same for the laundry. Sigh. Boring. I wanted to eat and eat this morning. There was a hole to fill. I ate Weetabix, two, and sprinkled them lightly with sugar, then a banana because 'sweet' is what I wanted. If I had chocolate now, or biscuits I'd be tempted to eat them. I shall have an early lunch instead..some lean, home-cooked ham and salad. I shall drink water. I FEEL hungry, but I am not. I am bored.

I am going to sing the Carpenters' song again, and then move my lardy arse. I ought to get some fresh air. Stagnation is my modus operandi and it has been for too long.

The Valley of Fat Gloom.

Have you been there? I bet you have. I went there because I forgot to value myself. I also stayed there far too long. It's a dark place and the scenery isn't wonderful. However, any of us can travel there. No passport required.

I went there and set up camp. No idea why I hung around, but I did. I probably waved to you when you camped out there too. I wasted time there. Look at my weight-loss progress. Look at the time I have wasted in that place..the days of my life I have given over to pitching a tent in that grim valley.

The beginning. January this year. 2010. I was going into another year as a fat person. I wanted to lose weight by my birthday in April, but I made no progress. I didn't really try. Then I decided to read weight-loss blogs again, because I know how inspiring many are for people who also have to embark on the journey back to themselves.  So, I read and made half-hearted attempts to take stock and eat properly and to get out more and move. March arrives, and I still haven't committed to an eating plan of any sort, nor had I put my arse into gear and got moving. I was wallowing, still camping out in Fat Gloom -  a place where the sun don't shine!  I had a sort of dread of committing to a weight loss plan. On my part there was lots of faffing about, lots of indecision, lots of moaning. Standstill. No progress. Days wasted, weeks wasted (years previously wasted) and pounds gained, whilst I worked myself up to a commitment, whining all the way. (How stupid is that?)

So, when I begrudgingly concluded that only I could make a difference to my shape I got a bit of a kick up the rear when Lyn at 'Escape From Obesity' created the Bethany McDonald Memorial Blogroll. I hopped on the scales, again. I decided life was precious and time was being wasted. I was going to blog myself into reality..and become accountable.

The numbers on the scale have fluctuated over the last six months..going between 217lbs and 230lbs. I didn't record my weight - I'd just sigh as I got off the scales and go and find something to eat. Why do we think eating helps? Why do we think munching on food will make our problems and the niggling self-loathing go away? I have been guilty of 'treating myself kindly' - with food. Having to deprive myself of those treats was, to my addled brain, cruel, a harsh punishment. That's why I was reluctant to embark on a 'healthy eating with exercise plan.' I wasn't going to move out of Fat Gloom Valley. It seemed a harsh, nasty, unfair way to live...no way to live.

Being reasonably intelligent, fortunately the sensible part of me kicked in...'Looking like a walking dumpling is no way to live either' I told myself. There was a tug-of-war going on in my mind. I equated weight-loss with deprivation and self-cruelty. See my early posts. I was reluctant to get going. Very reluctant. WHY? What madness stops us treating ourselves well and loving ourselves? I was wasting time, months and years, indulging in food feasts with others - people who were slim, who worked off the food they ate and didn't pig-out, or only pigged-out occasionally. They had balance in their lives. I wanted to join in and I wanted no restrictions. I however had no balance. I had temporary immobility, and suddenly, no job to go to every day. I grew and grew. The pounds piled on to my already hefty frame. I was spending my time eating, thinking and hating being fat, but allowing it to happen.

'Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.'

M. Scott Peck

That quotation rings true for me. I am easy-going. I don't get worked up about too many things, including the way I look. However, the way I was beginning to look was depressing me, slowly..slowly, without me at first recognising it. I wasted years growing fatter, and as I grew fatter, I became sluggish. I began to dislike going to social occasions because I couldn't find anything to wear which looked good on me, and I imagined people I knew would be thinking "Blimey. She's a porker. Look how much weight she's put on!" I started to not like me. It was safer to spend my time doing little, not getting involved. It occured to me that I just didn't like myself or value myself any more. I wasted my days in depair...and eating gave me pleasure. I forgot to move my body, so days would go by and the only movement I got was going from room to room indoors. I am surprised the carpets didn't become threadbare on the route to the kitchen. I allowed myself to slide into an abyss of fat gloom. Fat Gloom became a place for me to stay.

I am not going there any more. In fact, I am burning my tent. A new day has dawned, and without 'dieting' -which drives me back down, I am climbing out of that dark valley and back into the light. I'll climb slowly and take the rocks I find easiest. I don't want to fall. I may even stop on a ridge to take stock and survey the scene. Rome wasn't built in a day after all, but I won't stop climbing. If you are down in Fat Gloom Valley right now, you can share my ropes. If you have faltered on the way out, I'll give you a shove, or a hand-up. I have decided there is a way out. I have decided to value me, and my days - my life even - so that long haul has begun. I am no expert climber, but I have devised a way to do this. I have my boots on. And you have too. Goodbye Fat Gloom!

On The Road Paved With Good Intentions.

'People know you for what you've done, not for what you plan to do.' ~ Author Unknown

'Tis true. I am almost frightened to tell my nearest and dearest that I have a plan and intend to lose weight. I wonder why that is? Could it be that I am starting yet another half-hearted campaign, or could it be that I have no faith in my ability to do this?

I guess it matters to no one really, except my doctor, whether I remain fat or become thin - or at least get myself a decent BMI. I am lucky that I have a man who loves me just as I am, and kids who can see beyond the fat. My friends may secretly think I have become huge, but they don't mention it. I am my worst critic. I am gently encouraged by my man and my children to do more now I have retired from work. I suppose my whole reason for getting up in the morning was to go out to work. Now, even though I am still getting out of bed before 7am,  my days stretch before me and if I have too much time on my hands I can bring myself down with introspection. I don't have any cheerleaders encouraging me to do my best in anything. Too much time to think is not a good thing, and having too much time to spend is sometimes counter-productive to weight-loss in that meals or snacks can tend to become the highlight of the day!

Today I have a dilemma, again involving food. (I always remind myself that in the great scheme of things if my food worries are my only dilemmas today, I am truly lucky.)

An old and dear friend phoned me last night - we bonded when we were divorcing our husbands - suggesting we drive out to a nearby town this afternoon. She has a buy-one-get-one-free voucher for lunch - a sandwich lunch followed by a cream tea - a very English thing involving fresh scones, butter, jam and thick clotted cream, served with a pot of tea. It's something most of us try when we go on holiday - definitely not the sort of artery-clogging food treat you'd have every day. Normally I'd lick my lips and say "Good idea! I'm in!" Last night when I put the phone down I thought "Oh dear. I really shouldn't be including a cream tea in my eating plan." However, if you have read any of my other entries you'll appreciate I find self-discipline isn't the easiest thing in the world for me!

However, I am eating only healthy things. This morning I had my usual banana, a small bowl of muesli with semi-skimmed milk and a tangerine. I had a small lump of low-fat cheese with a coffee. If I had a cream tea I'd be going off my 'eat anything at anytime but make sure it is natural, healthy and nutritious' plan. I really cannot justify eating butter and clotted cream...or come to that, a scone after a sandwich.

What I shall do is have the sandwich - I'll go for a plain tuna and salad one if I can - and have a scone with jam...and drink lots of tea. Damage limitation. I could have made an excuse not to go I suppose? That wasn't an option however. My friend did want my company today.

My eating plan isn't really a problem at all. It isn't a problem because you see, she asked me to go out with her today because it is the anniversary of her daughter's death. She didn't want to be alone all day. She lost her daughter when she was hit by a taxi in Africa. The taxi mowed her down as she walked towards the airport on her way home to see her Mum. She came home in a coffin.

Being fat is no problem at all really, and if it is, it's a problem we can rectify, by making an effort. I plan to lose weight and one day in the not too distant future, I hope people will appreciate that I have done it. I shan't be bothering my friend today with my "Oh I shouldn't really have a cream tea' thoughts.

I AM going to do this.

Guilt and the Head F*ck. I refuse to allow food to bring me down.

Morning all ;)

Been thinking...you know why I fail 'diets' or even give up on healthy eating plans? Guilt. That emotion which makes us feel bad for wanting something sweet, greasy and junky, and then the way it niggles away at us if we do succumb to something 'forbidden'.

I really am convinced that unless you have a will of iron, depriving yourself of things you love really messes with your head. You can keep up the 'diet' (or healthy way of eating as I prefer to see it) for AGES..months, years even, and I am sure some people never again have the need for a pudding, a biscuit, a bar of chocolate, a sweet etc once they  hit their goal weight.  Those people have retrained their taste buds. I am not sure though that all overweight people get to that stage..even when the weight is lost.

I suspect most overweight people have a real determination when starting out on a fat-busting regime - shifting the blubber. Something snaps and we decide enough is enough, and set of on a way of life involving us, the fridge, the cooker, the food cupboards and the supermarket and shedding the coat of fat that we loathe, that makes life difficult and makes us despise what we see in the mirror. 'No more' we say angrily, as we set off with determination. For about the last four years I have been building up to doing something about it - and then I found weight-loss blogs. I have read some absolutely fantastic, brilliant blogs over the years - Pasta Queen's and Diet Girl's in particular (their books sit on my coffee table!) and I have thought "They are so strong, so determined" and as they have tackled their weight issues I have marvelled at their determination to make changes. Both have been so inspiring, as has Lyn over at Escape From Obesity. They have made me think..."I can do this. I don't have to remain a fat woman." They have been influential people. I have them to thank for my decision to become a slimmer version of me.

I have also realised that I can never be that strong. I have realised I am basically weak, very easy-going, and I dislike routine. I have realised that I am made differently...that guilt, want and deprivation mess with my head...and that when I become a blob of emotional fury because of deprivation, thinking about menus and constant planning, I give up on myself. I know 'me' very well. I am a laid back soul...I dislike hassle.

'Diets' per se don't work..not for me. End of. THAT has slowly hit me. We are lead to believe that there is only one way to lose weight - and it involves movement - which is fine and sensible, but it also involves food restriction. Now...when something becomes off-limits, it's magnetic powers, it's pull increases. I know it does for me. That's where diets don't work for me.....and it is all down to 'deprivation' and 'restriction'. That is my light-bulb moment.

I can make food restriction work for me though. Some foods have no power over me today....like fast foods. I can't remember my last takeaway meal. A McDonalds burger might as well be made of rubber. I don't want one and don't feel in the least bit deprived in not having one. I told myself every day as I drove nearby - it's on a route I frequently take - that my car couldn't make the right turn into McDonalds and I did it over and over again...I drove on by, telling myself I could have a big sandwich (of anything!) when I got home. Why waste money on junk? Perhaps the cost was the motivator - I don't know. I did this until I didn't want to steer in that direction, nor did I want to eat the grease they were serving up. I may have a burger again one day, who knows. I just see them as something I don't particularly want now. My 'healthy sandwich thought' won the day...it might be every bit as calorific but in the 'thought' battle, the wholemeal sandwich versus burger battle, the 'sandwich thought' won.

I have no desire to count points, to weigh foods, to call food 'syns', to look up calorific values or play 'games' with this eating malarkey. I want food, I want to eat, I don't want to feel guilt or to have to pull myself back from the brink, but I also want to lose weight. I need to lose weight for the sake of my health, if nothing else.

My plan is never to get to the brink...never to feel I have failed, given in to temptation and am some sort of freaky fat failure because the taste of something I love has been enjoyed.

That is just one massive head fuck and it screws us up...or it screws me up. This I have learned. I have known so many women (my sister included) who have gone to Weight Watchers, or embarked on a diet plan, a way of eating and have lost stones. They were dedicated and disciplined. They became slim. They also became fat again.

Why does this happen? I think it happens because a) they haven't trained their palates to really enjoy good wholesome foods as a way of life, b) they have to have 'portions' and a 'plan' to succeed - life doesn't work like that, and c) they have seen so many foods as 'bad' things. Those foods have horns, red eyes, cloven hooves and a long tail with an arrow shaped end bit. Chocolate becomes Satan incarnate.

Spare me all that. I am not going down that road.

I appreciate that some people can't work like that - that a nibble of a bar of chocolate just isn't going to work...a binge will follow. That happens to me in others ways, because some foods, like chocolate, just don't tempt me.  I can eat junk though. I know that if there is a packet of biscuits in the house, I am bound to have one or two with every mug of tea I drink...and I'll finish them off in a few days...not all at once, but I will consume the lot, eventually. It's the same with cakes. I somehow have to loathe these items now? I can't have them again? I am not sure that is going to work. I feel my head immediately working it's way up to a 'Don't tell me what I can't eat woman!" tantrum. "I'll eat the lot...scoff, scoff, scoff...so there! Give me some more! See the cream and crumbs round my mouth. Ha ha. You lost. You failed. "

I have had to look at how I LIKE to eat. I don't think I can plan for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I can plan for eating when I feel the urge, and satisfying that urge. Let me eat. I can stock my house full of healthy snackettes...and I can eat what I want when I want..in any amount. I can be plain greedy with hummus and pitta breads..but I know after I have toasted the third that I have filled myself up, behaved like a pitta-bread pig, but not too much damage has been done. I become conscious that I am pigging out on pitta bread...conscious of helping myself to 'one more' and maybe tomorrow I won't do that..one will suffice. I may learn that lesson. No guilt...no recriminations, but maybe a light bulb moment in my head. I still love me. I am not full of cake.

I CAN make changes to my way of life. I can make lots of small adjustments every single day. The main adjustment I have to make is the movement one. I have to embrace calorie burning and fat burning in the form of movement, not a severe and restrictive diet which has me climbing the walls and ultimately feeling like an out-of-control fat freak if I eat something I enjoy.

If the house is just full of nutritious things I like to eat I have no need for cakes and biscuits to take up residence, or bars of chocolate. I can though have a cake, like I did yesterday. Cake CAN be my friend. I was out all day, made healthy choices with food, gave up my white wine for water...and when we all sat down for a cuppa in the afternoon I HAD the small almond cake offered to me. One cake...and I looked on the packaging...although I may not in future. My one cake cost me 113 calories...I didn't want two cakes, I didn't feel the need to make or buy my own packet of cakes. I just enjoyed a cake. I didn't crave a cake, I didn't feel gulty for eating it. I bloody well enjoyed that sweet morsel. No recriminations. I wasn't 'bad'.

It works. A small treat, if I am able to control the amount of treat I eat, which I have discovered I can, actually helps me stay on plan. I don't want to see a little cake as satanic, as an enemy. No food is my enemy. My enemy is my lack of control, my greed and my love of sweet things and savoury things with little or no nutritional value. If I allow sweet things into my life occasionally, they lose power over me. If I eat when I feel the need, I am nourishing my body. There are no restrictions to punish me.

This morning I have had a banana first thing, before rushing off in the morning traffic with son. I told a friend later and she was horrified. "Oh no! Don't choose bananas...they are so calorific" she urged. "Fuck off neurotic" I thought in return. I smiled and said "I like bananas. They are sweet and packed full of vitamins and minerals. They are good for me and they satisfy my sweet tooth. Aren't they a 'super food'?" I think she pitied  me. Madness or what?

She is a 'dieting' woman. I came home, put the washing on, drank a glass of water and opened the fridge. Normal fat person behaviour. I took out a light Baby Bel cheese. Urge for something gooey, rubbery, cheesy, chunky and flavourful fulfilled. I ate four little tomatoes with it..they were chewy and sweet...and slightly 'acidic'. They left my mouth 'clean' Hunger satisfied, need to eat soothed, easily. I like thinking about the flavours in my mouth. I have a whole range of foods to choose from when I next choose to exercise my jaw. I have to know I have good foods I can put together to make up a healthy meal, and that is as far as my planning goes.

I guess we have to accept that we over-eat, but it's really hard to stop doing that because we are on a 'diet'. I like to eat. All fat people like to eat.

Banish the goo, the junk from your house..that's all you have to do. Then eat.....pig out on good stuff, and feel virtuous about changing in that small way. See no foods as BAD. Enjoy the odd treat when it is offered - just ensure you have the control to stop at a single treat. That calls for determination, but it's do-able. It's about eating normally..and that is the lesson I must learn. My taste buds have been retrained, slowly over the years...now I am thinking about my buying behaviour - I don't buy things I will pig out on...nor will I give them to my sons. Strength is needed in the supermarket, but when I get home with the wholemeal bread, or the gorgeous granary bread, or the pumpkin and sunflower seed oaty loaf, I may have a slice of toast and honey if I want it...right there, right then. Two slices even. No restrictions except the banishment of junk from the house. My lesson might be "OK, I have had my bread today...and my (low fat) spread. That was really good. I've had enough bread for now." Head is OK with this. No tantrums. Head might be purring and stroking the inside of my skull. Patting my neck bones...I don't know lol :)  But it isn't fighting me.

I know what works for one won't work for others...but I am finding, through blogging that all foods can be on my side. I can be on my side too...by exercising control and choice and by learning to love myself. I refuse to screw my head up by being on a 'diet' and by constantly telling myself  'I can't have that'. Yes, it might be lax, but by doing just that and upping the exercise a bit more (no out and out sweaty sessions at the gym) ...having two episodes of eating out and going for puddings or cakes afterwards...I lost 4lbs last week. OK, so it's early days. I dare say my progress will be slow, but I want to learn to love and cherish myself along the weight-loss path. If my head is fucked up by constant denial, I am a lesser person, playing a temporary weight-loss game. There is no point in doing that.

That is me.

This is for life.

I hope you find a way of losing weight which works for you, long term, and doesn't cause you daily anguish. Isn't that the key?

Have a good Tuesday folks.

Shortest post ever. Probably, maybe.

Morning all.

I was up early to get ready for visitors. Had breakfast, tea, a yogurt and a banana, jigged madly about to two upbeat songs I had on the PC. ( Not a pretty sight, X-rated, but it always wakes me up, it's enjoyable and it's 'exercise' of a sort.)

Then I thought, "Eeek, it's Monday. I have to weigh myself." I did. I trod on those scales, ever so gingerly, and pulled a face. I squinted down at my feet - then found my glasses so I could read the numbers. I trod on the scales again, full of trepidation.

Guess what - despite my lapses, I now weigh 217lbs. Wow. That's 4lbs gone. What might I have lost if I'd not given in to temptation, twice?

I am a slightly less grumpy woman right now. If I had smileys I'd post a huge grin. Oh wow. I am a bit dumbfounded.

Got to fly...lots to do. My feet have wings :)

I'm on my way.....I'm on my way. Yeeeeessssss!  *Punches air in a fat, middle aged way*

Slaps self in jest: I'm useless, I am rubbish and I have no backbone..blah, blah.

Sigh.

I wish I could REALLY berate myself and that when I did, it would have some meaning and an effect on my behaviour from there on in. I really am too Irish at times. (My parents were Irish and very laid-back, easy-going, optimistic folks.) I am able to say "Oh well, tomorrow is another day" I should have been Scarlett O'Hara.

I have had another "to hell with it" episode, and yes, it happened on Saturday night, in a restaurant. All my resolve ran out the door like an Olympic sprinter when faced with yummy things to eat. Come back resolve! We took my man's family to an upmarket 'fusion' place in town. It served 'Pan Asian' foods - so there were Thai, Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Malaysian dishes on the menu. All the foods were freshly cooked and placed in huge bowls on a massive circular bar in the middle of the restaurant. It was a 'help-yourself' fixed price menu. Entrees consisted of crab, prawns, chicken, etc etc ..all deep fried, many in batter...many skewered on sticks and all looking SO appetising.

Now, given I have been here before with girlfriends I KNOW that it is possible to eat healthily and sensibly. I KNOW scallops are available, from the griddle, as is salmon, squid, lean pork skewers, chicken pieces, plainly grilled...and cod in parcels, cooked in lemon juice and spices. I know there are many vegetable dishes to choose from, a salad bar and a stir-fry area, where I could pick and choose from light alternatives.There is a dessert area too...cakes galore, fancy little mousses, a chocolate fountain, fudge, marshmallows, meringues, whipped cream....as well as jelly cubes and fresh fruit, deliciously prepared and sliced. I love melon, grapes, oranges and pineapple served ready to eat...So why then did I dip things in chocolate? Why did I have a slice of banoffee pie?

Because it was there.

This was an adult version of Santa's grotto. Who is going to face all the delights and wonders in there and come out with a jigsaw puzzle when you can choose the latest electric gizmo, or something flashy and new-fangled?

Sigh. Does one need a halo when embarking on this journey?

All is not lost. That was one bad eating experience when I CHOSE not to exercise control. I CHOSE to eat the lovely stuff when the plainer, less calorific (and just as tasty) foods were available to me.

One blow-out. I ate well otherwise, all day. This morning I've eaten fruit, yogurt and not a lot else, only because I am home alone and can't be bothered to cook for myself.  I have also opened the gym equipment I bought with the vouchers my sisters gave me for my birthday. I have a body swivel board and a mobile rowing gadget...both with strong elasticated (pink!) ropes attached. I have laughed as I have tried them out and I've done half an hour cycling whilst watching TV.

I have also invited my man and his relatives round in the morning for coffee. This means I'll  a) have to tidy the house and load the dishwasher...and b) I'll  have to make an effort this evening. I have created a goal for myself. I could easily idle the day away otherwise, self-indulgently in books, TV and the PC. It's a bank holiday tomorrow so the shops will be shut. We'll have to mooch around, so have decided to visit a park and then go for a late pub lunch. I warned my man as we made these arrangements that there would be no cakes or biscuits to go with the coffee. I felt a bit of a useless hostess. What sort of woman am I if I can't offer my visitors something nice to go with my best china and lovely fresh coffee? (The best china comes out rarely, but really, what is the point in having it if you don't use it? I deserve pretty and delicate cups and saucers and beautiful plates! I keep nothing 'for best' any more.)

Sandwiches and cake would (in my Mum's house) always accompany tea (we didn't drink coffee) if we had visitors. I don't even have any shop-bought biscuits! How mean, how unsociable! I am just not buying them any more because I'd eat them if they were in the house. For one moment I had the wild idea that I'd bake a cake later, just so I could serve my visitors something with their coffee.

I am smiling here. I am not really a grumpy person at all. I am easy-going and soft-hearted - but don't tell anyone and blow my cover. I am quite laid-back and sometimes I WISH I could get angry with myself for doing stupid things like I did at the restaurant last night. I need guilt, remorse and lots of self-flagellation but I can't WHIP up any! Bad joke, I know :)

I am back on track. I'll be good today, and tomorrow. I have the pub lunch trial tomorrow. Gawd. What will I eat?

I wish I had a steely resolve to do this. I know I am the loser if I keep giving in to food temptation - but - part of me thinks we are a long time dead and that life should be a pleasure trip for as long as possible, given it is strewn with miserable times too. I KNOW ill-health isn't fun, I know that, I take lots of pills every day for my chronic complaints, but I am useless at denying myself things I shouldn't have. There is no way I could become a nun....Even the title of this piece is a joke. Like me?

Strangely, Vince Lombardis words make sense...

“Football is like life - it requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication and respect for authority.”

WHY do I just know me and Vince wouldn't get along? :)

I am sure he is a fantastic motivator, but look at those words. SACRIFICE, HARD WORK, SELF DENIAL, PERSEVERANCE.  Phew! To a certain extent I'd say you have to put something in to a project to get anything out of it, but to live like that - every single day? No thanks. The foot has to come off the pedal occasionally unless we are set on a course of self-destruction via stress and the inability to relax and go with the flow. Yeah, clogged arteries provide another way to self-destruction, I know that. The dichotomy between fun, self-indulgence and being wonderfully self-disciplined is one I struggle with.

I am learning however that I mustn't associate food with pleasure, treats, fun and self-love. Oh, by the way, I was typing out 'hard-work' (above) and a typo caused me to write "hard wok." Given my Chinese food disaster, that made me smile.