(I suspect I like writing more than I like planning healthy menus and getting off my bum to exercise. This is a doddle compared to HAVING to move, having to eat well and sensibly and finding the commitment to succeed at losing weight.)
I annoy myself, I really do. I have an inner rebel, a saboteur keeping me in this chair, convincing me that now I have retired after thirty years of stressful work and traumatic personal circumstances whilst raising children alone, the time is MINE to do with as I please. I should not have to do anything I don't want to. This new mellow me and all this free time, is my reward in my fifties, for the last thirty years of a fairly hellish and exhausting existence. Oh there were good times along the way too, many of them, and I adore my three children. They are worth every drop of perspiration, every effort of mine to keep the home fires burning whilst bringing home the money to pay the bills and every tear I have cried. Life is considerably less stressful now and much easier. My children have grown into fine young adults, despite two of them having chronic diseases. All now go out to work so days at home are mine to do what I please with - and I LOVE the solitude, the peace, the hours stretching ahead of me.
Sadly, however, my retirement from work coincided with several years of ill-health and I have been in and out of hospital during the last four/five years. I am fighting back though. I feel so much better these days, I am on the mend, but I am also so much, much fatter.
That's what a sedentary life does for a woman! The being sedentary - the moving very little during the day, has become a sort of habit. Strangely, I can walk away from fattening foods most of the time, and I can walk at a good pace for miles when I feel so inclined, (which isn't often) but I am not very disciplined about eating. I tend to grab whatever is available that doesn't require cooking. Sadly, an apple or a piece of fruit doesn't call me, but bread, butter, cereal and ready-made meals I can bung in the microwave do! I have become lazy. There are no two ways about it. Making an effort has become a pain, and I think it ties in with my insistance that this is MY time and I can be as slothful as I like!
Oh I feel so fat and bloated and these tight clothes are like a sausage skin on me. I am bursting out of them.
No idea why I am writing this blog, because I rebel. I strike out at anything that tries to restrict, control or change me...as a diet would. It's too much like hard work. Why should I deny myself all the foods I love? Why should I exercise? I hate exercising. Leave me alone, on my chair, in front of the PC and let my weight balloon and allow my muscles to flop.THAT is what I want to do. Let me sit here. It doesn't matter that I am neglecting all areas of my life and relationships as well as my health.
Sigh. I know all this, I write all this and yet I fight having to change. I resist committing to dieting and exercise when I KNOW the only winner in this will be me. I'll be in a race with myself...no competition, so why don't I just stop moaning and get off my bum and commit? Any answers, because it's a mystery to me?
I may read this another day and berate myself. I doubt very much if my own self-loathing and the uncomfortable way I feel now will inspire me to try to lose weight and move a bit more, but we'll see. It hasn't in the past.
How much do I want to feel better, slimmer, fitter? I am not sure. Perhaps I don't really want to make the effort it involves. I am basically lazy and careless and vaguely depressed because I am fat, and disheartened and fed up because of the massive task it will be to lose this weight. It can be done though.
I know the first step is the hardest, but I am refusing to take it. No idea why. Perhaps because I might fail, given my lousy attitude?
Only I can make the changes.
Hey. I am going to dig out an inspiring quotation every day. I like quotations. They don't inspire me to change my life though, but they are good to read. I get some exercise in nodding my head in a sage manner, respectful of the author's wisdom.
Here is today's gem. (What a value-for-money blog this is turning out to be, eh?)