Saturday, 27 November 2010

Cake Madness and Calorie Shame.

When will I learn? I am kicking myself for not looking at the nutritional information on the back of a box of cakes.

Ye Gods! I am turning into a cake fiend. It's like I have to have a cake every single day, yet a while ago, I gave them no thought. I'd gone without them for a while and the fewer I had, the less I felt the need for them. (I mean - no one NEEDS cakes, do they?) I had tamed my sweet tooth or so I thought. It's amazing though how once you indulge, it's SO hard not to carry on indulging. I don't mean all in the same day....I am not a binge eater...I can stop, but I can also over-indulge day after day after day until 'bad' foods become a tasty comfort - something to look forward to, an indulgence, a treat.  That's what I have been doing. I can 'allow' myself too many 'little treats' throughout the day, and boy, do those calories add up!

It's nothing to do with allowing foods I fancy into my diet and accounting for them. Oh no. This is "I want a cake and I am having a there!" I am defying my own willpower - deliberately and consciously damaging myself and thwarting all my efforts to lose weight....destroying all the good habits I'd incorporated into my eating, because my inner brat was not going to stop screaming! I gave in to that demanding inner child - knowingly, and I feel rather ashamed. I was joining the inner brat in looking forward to a cake-buying spree every day. And yes, I can also get my head around the fact that the brat is me. I WANT CAKES - l have to be honest with myself.

WHY do I want cakes, knowing they contain fat, sugar and not a lot else? No idea. Comfort eating, plain and simple. Just as a mother might stop a baby wailing and wanting by stuffing a dummy into it's mouth, I soothe myself with cakes.

Then, playing amateur psychologist, I ask my self WHY I need to soothe myself? What is creating this urge for cakes? I shan't say it's an uncontrollable urge, but it's an urge I am not fighting. I am bright enough to know that I can distract myself, busy myself with other things, or eat oatcakes, apricots, bananas instead of cakes, if I REALLY feel the urge to eat. I also know that these urges have absolutely nothing to do with hunger.

Why have I stopped fighting these impulses?

I just don't know.

Anyway - tonight I casually looked at the packet which contained two egg custard tarts...sweet pastry cases filled with a rich egg custard. Two individual little tarts. I bought TWO packs of two, because my intention was to share them with my man's relatives IF they popped round tonight. They didn't, so wey-hey - more cakes for MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I ate two at lunch time...with an interval of about 90 minutes between each. I had both with a big mug of tea. Then this evening when they called to say they didn't have time to pop in (lots of urgent things to do in the course of one day's visit, so understandable) I was quite delighted that there were two more small cakes for me to eat! I had one shortly after they phoned, and one for pudding after my evening meal. Four egg custard tarts in one day.

Casually I looked at the box they came in and lo and behold, each tart contained

240 calories.
5 grams of protein.
28.4 grams of carbohydrate, of which 13.4 grams were sugars.
11.5 grams of fat, of which 4.8grams were saturated.

Today I ate 960 calories in cakes alone. Oh blush.

20 grams of protein
113.6 grams of carbohydrate - 53.6 grams were sugars.
46 grams of fat - 19.3 grams were saturated.

Those soft, custardy cakes took only minutes to eat....

A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

Little pickers wear bigger knickers.

Fridge magnet philosophy, but well...quite appropriate.

Doesn't it make you feel bad when you tot up the totals of 'bad' foods?

*THINKS: Now, if I'd been aware at the outset that my cakes contained such 'badness' would I have binned them?  Into the bin - or into me? I am not sure, but sadly, I am also not convinced that I'd have thrown them away :(

I wouldn't put sand into the petrol tank of my car, so why do I think it's OK to run my body on rubbish? It's strange, isn't it? I'd bet we've all been there.

I feel rather ashamed that I am treating myself so badly. I am not going to weigh myself right now. I don't need any more shame. I can't even promise I have seen the light and will eat sensibly for every day of my life from now on. I can't even promise that tomorrow I'll eat healthily.

I do know however that all sorts of emotions are coming into play. If you love yourself and value yourself, you don't treat your body like a dustbin or a land-fill site, as I have been doing lately, with carefree abandon.

However..a little shock to the system does no harm. Wake-up call. How much do I NEED cakes, now I am aware of those figures, above?

Onwards. It's my call, my body, my life. I need to think about what I am doing to myself. I hope perhaps that this post might encourage you to do the same?

Sunday, 21 November 2010

Doctor's Orders.

Hello again...and sorry I vanished for a while. I've been feeling rather useless.

I am back, with my left leg encased in tight bandages from groin to foot and I am wearing a full length support stocking on top of that lot! I have had painful phlebitis in my leg and had a foam scleropathy op at the hospital yesterday.

Sigh. It's at times like this that I wish I didn't have big wobbly thighs. The bandage and stocking are digging in tightly and will do for the next fortnight, until they're removed. My leg hurts...and painkillers only serve to make me feel groggy. My grumpy blog name suits me right now.

I haven't much to blog about really other than my own lack of desire to do this thing - to lose weight. Oh the wish to be smaller remains, but the will to make it happen seems to have vanished in a haze of indulgent comfort eating. I find myself making my way to the far corner of the supermarket where the fresh cream cakes are stacked in the cool cabinets. I have done that three days in a row. I have bought a two-pack of cakes, taken them home and eaten both with a big mug of tea. I won't lie. I enjoyed them immensely. They've been wonderful.

Doctor's orders are that I have to walk daily after this operation, to get the circulation going I suppose, so that the blood by-passes the foam-blocked, useless veins, and my other veins, compensating for their loss continue to 'pump' efficiently..or whatever the medical term is for the valve actions we have which are responsible for good blood flow.

Hah. My two daily walks have taken me to the supermarket where I have stocked up on crap-but-good-tasting-food. Foods full of fat and sugar. How stupid am I????

It's like I have an urge to eat the crap - in an "I just don't care" kind of way. I may not have been losing weight at a fast rate, but I wasn't gaining because for the most part I had gone without indulgences. I'd been eating sensibly....lazing about too much, but eating nutritious foods mainly and in reasonable quantities.

Why do we do this? Why do we sabotage ourselves in a sort of "I don't care how fat I am!"mindless way?

Do you have episodes  like this? My cakes are my indulgences, my comforts, my treats. I 'deserve' them I tell myself even though they'll add to my weight and rekindle my desires for sugary foods. Why don't I buy myself a book or a new lipstick? Why did I, like a woman possessed make a bee-line for the cake shelves?? Why?

I don't understand it. A moment on the lips...a lifetime on the hips...because yes, that gungy, gooey, wonderful, soft, creamy cakiness is only in my mouth for a short while. Afterwards I feel part guilt at succumbing, part arrogant defiance at whatever it is in me that tries to control these urges. I can't blame my hormones. Most of those vanished with the onset of the menopause when I was 42!

I hope this madness won't last. When I eat cakes regularly it's like all my good food intentions fly out of the window too. You know the thought processes. "Oh well. I have had cakes, I have derailed, I might as well enjoy it for a bit longer. What's in the fridge?"

Anyway, one good thing is, I have to walk daily and on several occasions if possible, so I'll be a fit fat woman. I have planned a pre-dinner walk in the countryside with my man tomorrow. Doctors orders. 'You must walk.' Thankfully I am not defying that instruction.

I just hope I can find the urge to get back on track. I feel I don't want to, that I am OK with giving up on myself. Right now if I had the chance to drown in a bath full of cream cakes I'd jump in :(

~ Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent. ~

Friday, 12 November 2010

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Just a quickie from me, as I still have lots to do today, with visitors arriving this evening. I have to really force myself to get started on long overdue tasks (some of them around the house) but once I get going, I really get into it. That has always been my problem - getting started. I can procrastinate for England. I am an Olympic Gold Medal standard procrastinator, even though I know that eventually I have to get on with doing whatever it is I am putting off.

I wouldn't have cleaned my house as thoroughly if I weren't having visitors. I need that shove.

I could compare my lack of enthusiasm for really getting started to my efforts at losing weight I suppose. I have been dipping my toes in and out of the water, rather than jumping in, becoming submerged and enjoying the swim. I am on the edge, a safe place where I can easily go off plan if I feel like it, because I am not fully committed.

I tell myself the sooner I start in earnest to tackle this problem, the quicker the problem will go away.

I have to commit. Long term. Every day. That's the hard part.

I tell myself (once again!) that yes, I WILL do this. To be honest, I haven't been too bad. I am not a binge eater, but I have made some silly food choices - quite consciously. I am not practicing much restraint and I am eating more than I should. (between 1700-1900 cals.) I think I probably have to go down to 1300 calories per day to make a noticeable difference. I am maintaining wonderfully, but I don't want to maintain this obese frame!:)

Anyway, since I last registered my weight I have lost 5lbs. I am not getting too's been a few weeks since I jumped on the scale, so it's not as good as it sounds! I put weight loss down to more activity, including frenzied house-work over the last few days! :)

Right - back to the grind-stone. Things to do..carpets to vacuum. I'll do it to music to make it more enjoyable and I'll exaggerate my movements.

I hope you are into a weight-loss routine and commit to it every day. It sounds like a simple thing to do, but it isn't is it?

There are only two options regarding commitment. You're either in or out. There's no such thing as a life in-between. ~ Pat Riley

I am hoping practice will make perfect, coupled with commitment. It's time to jump in, and to keep going. Actions speak louder than words.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Having a sweaty work-out.

Afternoon all. That title fooled you eh? Yes, it's me, believe it or not, the slug on Valium who resists exercise...working out. I lie actually. I am not working out in the true sense. I am just going mad doing some much needed house-work. It all counts! :)

I have my sister from Surrey and some mutual school-friends from London and Kent descending on me this weekend. I sort of dread having visitors...not because I am anti-social. (I am quite gregarious and chatty and like people generally.) It's just that having visitors, and people who stay for the weekend, means I have to clean the house properly, from top to bottom. Well, I don't have to, but me being me, I function better if my guests aren't silently thinking "This woman is a complete slut. Have you seen the state of her windows?"

I miss my ex MIL visiting. She was a nice lady, but quite nosy and she lived in a bit of a show-home. Her cleaning standards were bordering on OCD. She was the sort of person who'd whisk your mug away the minute you'd finished your tea, and you just knew she was itching to get a damp cloth and wipe the space where your cup had been. The minute you stood up...after a decent interval of... oooh..all about four seconds...she'd rush over and plump up the cushion where you'd been sitting on the sofa. You know the type. Uncomfortable with anything out of place.

Thankfully, I am nothing like her as far as my house-cleaning standards are concerned. I did ALWAYS and without fail clean my ovens before she visited though. Ghastly job, but her impending visit gave me the impetus to do such tedious things. Shame she doesn't call any more...the oven could do with a clean. Should I put a padlock on it do you think, in case friends get the urge to cook for me? ;-)

The ovens aren't on my list..but nearly everything else is. I wish I were more methodical and organised, but I can live with a bit of mess...I am a bit of a clean freak as far as loos and sinks, and work-tops are concerned, and I do like my domain to look nice, but I prefer comfort to immaculate show-homes.

So, I have taken a well-deserved break to write. I am having a cuppa. (I just couldn't exist without proper tea throughout the day...None of yer herbal muck and soddin' hot fruity water infusions masquerading as 'tea' for me! Oh no. I am a tea purist.)

I feel, sweaty, manky, but I tell myself all the bending, stretching, pushing and pulling and stair climbing is good for me. It's amazing isn't it, that when you get the body moving, food doesn't seem very important? Two dry oatcakes (because I couldn't be bothered to slice tomatoes and onions or cheese) with my tea served as lunch. Not a good lunch, but I am not hungry. I had a decent brekky. This is win-win exercise and I fully recommend it. Not only do you get a full and long work-out,  you get a clean house at the end of it too! Result!

If I haven't lost at least 35lbs today I'll be very disappointed! ;)  If only, eh?

So, in the spirit of encouragement, I'll leave you by urging you to ensure you follow my excellent example.....(snort!) and exercise today!

Come on. Up you get! Yes you.

Ha ha. (I fell off my chair laughing as I typed that bit!)

Ooooh.  Even more exercise - a sideways lunge, a stretch, forward roll to the floor and a sit-up in one swift movement! :)

Have a good 'un.

“My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance”

Monday, 8 November 2010

Ditching the Blog is Healthier?

It can become a bit of an obsession, can't it? Focusing on the body I mean. I know when I focus on mine, in it's out of shape, lardy condition, I can bring myself down. I knacker my brain and my self-esteem with focusing on how big I've become and how slow my weight-loss progress is. Not good. I try not to, but in all honesty writing about fat me and how I deal with my eating problems/lifestyle problems is becoming a bit all-consuming. I'd be better off out walking somewhere (in the rain) than sitting here writing this.

Until fairly recently (OK, so sometime in the 1990s) I just got on with life, going about my business, never taking much notice of what I weighed. I didn't jump on the scale much at all. I have never been one of life's 'dieters' or weighers really - not because I was always slim and fit (far from it) but because I just wasn't preoccupied with me. I was busy and happy, successful at work, generally up-beat and content in myself, no matter what my size. It wasn't an issue really, even though I wasn't a particularly slim woman. What happened?

I realised I was gaining a considerable amount of weight, and it was at a bad time in my life, because my Mum had died. I was ill too with one condition/illness after another. I was inactive and fed up at the turns my life had taken.

I did nothing about it. I ate more, hated my shape more and the cycle continued...with hospital visits thrown into the mix. I didn't stop the rot, I just became fed up with the way I was living ad the shape I was becoming. However, if the frame of mind isn't right, there is no way you change your diet and lifestyle to fight the fatness. Mentally, you have to be 'in the zone' and I had no idea where my zone was.

And anyway, I hate being herded, made to conform...Fat? Get thin then. Huh! No way was I having that!

My brain was all over the place, trying to hold on to all I was, telling me to resist changing, yet at the same time agonising about my lifestyle and my shape. I am fat. I don't like being fat. But don't you dare tell me slim is the only way to be! Confused? I was.

I wallowed and drowned in a sea of fat self-hatred, but did nothing about it - almost rebelling against the diet and exercise philosophy so prevalent in the western world. This was my thinking. "Sod off! Leave me alone. I am me, like it or lump it. I am not buying into the slim and fit marketing scam. I like cakes too much. I realise the world is full of air-brushed and beautiful women - I'll never be one of them, I don't want to be either, I am a feminist don'tcha know, so go away you horrible jogging woman in skin-tight Lycra and let me eat and whine about life's unfairness es. I am not buying into it. Go on. Clear off! Leave me be, just as I am."

Laughing here. Too much resistance is just as destructive as a dieting obsession? :)

I am not sure, but if I analyse the way my mind worked, that was the tape I was playing for most of this decade. "I am not going to conform and become a diet bore. Not me. I am above that nonsense. Obsession with shape and size is for bimbos."

Resist, resist, resist.

Then, when I came out of that unhappy and muddled place and confronted my denial I decided that it would be best for me to draw up a plan for myself, so that I could be the healthiest version of me possible. I wanted to come out of the blinkered darkness and see the light. This was about my health really, not my looks. That's what I told myself.

And then - OMG - then I'd see a recent photograph of myself and be plunged into despair. My looks DID matter after all. I looked hideous in photos. I didn't look good, despite my self-conscious smiling for the camera. Where had my looks gone?  Ageing is bad enough, but when every photo is one you want to rip to shreds, you know changes in either thinking or physique have to be considered.
Then the thinking went - "I've tried. This mountain is too big to climb. I can't do it. There are too many changes to make, and even one by one I am missing cakes. It's too hard. I am a mess. Unworthy. Useless."

Oh-oh. Warning signals. Despair. Depression.

The mental battles were affecting my well-being. This was my thinking once I started my campaign and the progress was slow and I reverted to my former idle lifestyle.  "Remain fat. Resist the wisdom that tells you such a big body is an unhealthy body. I am fat. Let the world deal with it - and in the meantime I'll glower. How dare society cast me out for being a size 20/22? Huh! I am staying like this. Get over it world!"

See how the thought processes became completely f*cked up?

Then in gentler, more forgiving moments I'd tell myself - "Embrace the knowledge that you can change yourself and retain your integrity. You don't have to become a diet bore, a woman obsessed with what she looks like. Actively start to fight your resistance. Slowly. Gently. Start making healthier choices about the way you live. You deserve to treat yourself well, and remaining fat and unhappy isn't to do with a superior feminist code, it's more to do with a lack of belief in your ability to change things."

And that's where I am now. Trying to do this gently.

Doing it because I deserve to be healthy. I want to be healthy. It's good to be aware of  the choices I have. I think that's a fairly healthy state of mind.

I won't lie to you. It's hard doing this every day, because I still invariably beat myself up when I have a 'bad' day.

All I know is - trying to lose weight seems to take over a large portion of the brain and consciousness. That disturbs me. However, I suppose it HAS to be that way, until a healthier way of life is established and becomes automatic?

I am wondering whether I should just get on and do it (or not do it) and leave the blogging behind? It seems to me that I can almost write myself down. It highlights my lack of progress. It allows me to zoom in on my short-comings. (I have many!) I'd zoom in on my successes too, and I do recognise all that is good about me, but my failure to lose weight steadily and regularly is all too clear, because I write about it - and may be focus on it too much?

Blogging helps me remain accountable, and I am slimmer now than when I started writing, but it also documents the struggle. Does my blog scream "Loser! No commitment!" to you? It often does to me. I am fired up, and then I'm not. I am enthusiastic about drawing up a plan, and then I'm not. I am going to do this - and then I fail to do it regularly, consistently...until I get fired up again. It's not good, is it?

Perhaps I am just being hard on myself - again, but I am not sure if my writing about my up and down days as I try to lose weight is helping me. If it's not helping me - how can it help you? What is the point of it?

I have a dilemma, however, my fingers get lots of exercise when I write. Every cloud has a silver lining eh? :)

Is blogging helping or hindering you?

Sunday, 7 November 2010

The Art of Self Esteem.

I was thinking the other day that I really ought to treat myself better. I ought to love myself more. If I did hold myself in high regard, I'd surely look after myself well and treat my body kindly and with respect.

Fat people tend not to do that. Their body becomes the 'punching bag' for all of life's ills, disappointments, regrets, heart-aches. We take it out on our digestive systems. We put too much food into our stomachs and have our bodies deal with it. We enjoy eating. It soothes us. We over-eat. The chances are that we make no big effort to exercise off our big meals or our plentiful snacks either. We slowly, slowly become plump, then rotund, then blobby, then obese...really fat. I don't think the term 'morbidly obese' existed when I was a child in the 60s. If it did it wasn't bandied around as it is today.

"When you love yourself, you invest in your personal growth and development. You endeavour to be the best that you can be, and you strive to achieve your potential."

Ha ha ha. I read that (above) in an article entitled "Love Yourself" or something similar. We have heard it or read it all before, right? Well, on the surface it makes perfect sense, but I suspect that even the slimmest, most gorgeous specimens of human beauty are wired to find fault with themselves in some way or another :) We can so easily bring ourselves down, can't we? I hold up my hands to being able to do that really well.

I could write a list now of all the things that make me a wonderful individual. It would be quite a long list too. You could do that as well. We all could.

So, if there is so much about us that is really good and worth hanging on to, why do (most) overweight people dislike themselves so much?  I have to say now that I wrote recently about being too comfortable with myself and my lifestyle. I only become down and depressed about my shape when I consciously see that I am fat...Certain situations bring me down, photos of me are depressingly horrible and I am always aware when I am the fattest person in the room, because I scan the room and make comparisons. Awful, but I do. Some situations trigger self-loathing of the body, but I am contented and happy otherwise.

Now we all know that we live in an age where we are bombarded with images of human perfection. Most of the still images have been airbrushed and most of the animated ones have had thousands of pounds worth of beauty treatments lavished on them. They also have the benefits of having make-up artists and hairdressers following them around. They have life coaches and physical fitness coaches as part of their entourage. It's not a real world....very few people inhabit those realms, yet we suddenly have a new guage, a new level of gorgeousness that few of us can aspire to.

We tell ourselves this and we know it to be true, yet all of a sudden, to be overweight is an indication that we are couch potatoes, fairly worthless nonentities who stuff our faces full of food and slob about all day. We become invisible. We are overlooked for jobs...we just don't measure up.

Pah! No wonder our self esteem takes a beating.

Anyway....popular thinking tells us that when you love yourself you automatically take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally.  Do fat people do that? Not often. You take care to look and feel your best by nurturing your body, mind and spirit.

So....if fatties don't do that (and most of us don't take care of ourselves properly, do we?) then surely we have to start appreciating ourselves more and caring for ourselves every single day? It's crucial I'd say.

If we don't love ourselves enough, we are told to start taking care of our body and our mind and spirit. If our self esteem is low, we can raise it - right now. Today. In really, properly caring for ourselves we'll become more self-aware, and we'll hopefully generate feelings of self-worth and accomplishment when we do sort out our diet and exercise programme. The more you do, the more success you achieve, the better you feel about yourself in all areas. We only have to read the blogs of successful slimmers to see that their confidence has soared and that they can accomplish things they wouldn't have dreamed of attempting when they were overweight and full of self doubt.

I have a big glass of water by my keyboard. I have not had a good eating day today...but tomorrow doesn't have to follow the same pattern. Long term goals are no good for me, but on a daily basis I can keep myself motivated. One day at a time I will stick to my plan, and every day that I do faithfully eat well and make the effort to exercise, the more I'll begin to love myself more. I am banking on those small daily achievements boosting my self esteem. I have given up on myself for too long. I allow myself to fail. When I fail I continue to chip away at my own self-worth.

 I don't want to grow any fatter, but I do want to grow lots of healthy self-esteem.

Do you love yourself enough? Have you decided you are worth the enormous effort it takes to do this, day after day after day?  These are the days of our lives after all. We owe it to ourselves to make them good ones.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Doing It Long Term...Or Forever.

The more I write and the more I try to 'diet' to shed the pounds, the more discontented I become. The writing bit is fine, but I am so conscious of writing about the way I CAN'T get into 'dieting' or long term healthy eating and living.

I keep slipping up, but I am so aware that I should be sending out glad tidings...and I'm not. Forgive me, because I am not sure if reading about my lack of progress or my angst is what blogging (in this sphere anyway) is all about :)

I did warn you I wouldn't be a particularly good role model or indeed a source of inspiration.

I know there has to be a plan which is faithfully applied if we want to lose weight. It's the faithful application of the plan which trips me up!

I know the theory and I have for a long time been buying healthy foods. My boys were on a low sugar, fat and high fibre diet since they were little...the sort of eating plan which we should all follow I suppose. It's one that wouldn't harm us if we used all the food groups and ate in moderation. A good healthy diet, with no calorie counting, no excluded food groups and an awareness of eating (mainly) only when we are hungry, allowing for the occasional food treat, coupled with lots of movement (not necessarily planned exercise sessions) used to keep me fit and reasonably trim. I didn't even think about what I was eating or the amount of time I was 'resting'. I just lived.

Life was however hectic and busy - and at times super-stressful and very worrying. It still has it's moments but on a daily basis I have reclaimed my peace of mind (because I no longer work and do all the things single working Mum has to do.) Some of the stress (not all) has be replaced with a sort of stagnation.

This is the most overweight I have ever 228lbs starting weight. Inside I am happy..content..OK.

In a way, Colette says it for me. "I believe there are more urgent and honourable occupations than the incomparable waste of time we call suffering."

I refuse on a daily basis to let my shape or my lifestyle make me miserable - and ironically, perhaps that's my problem! Being fat isn't - on my life scale anyway - worthy of too much suffering. (We all know what real suffering is when it visits us and affects our lives.)

You either spend time anxiously worrying about it, letting it cloud your day, or, if it's possible, do something about it  - that tends to be my philosophy regarding most problems. Fatness as a problem can be overcome. (it's not easy or simple - it can be a complex set of problems that cause a person to become over-weight, I appreciate that, but in the great scheme of things, a fat person is capable of becoming a thinner person.) I can feel the odd pang of guilt, but for the most part, I forget I am fat, until I get one of those wake-up calls. My particular wake-up calls I list later. I tend to not want to worry about my weight, so I don't. Perhaps I should?

My life is OK, but I am aware that I really am not doing much with it. I socialise, I have a lovely man in my life, we get out and about often, and I still have to do housework (that never goes away!) but for the most part, I can idle my life away. I do a bit of voluntary work and I sit on a committee a couple of times a month, but if I want to have a lazy day, I do.

The trouble is - I am able to have LOTS of lazy days. There is no husband to come home at night expecting a meal on the table or a clean, shiny bright house. The boys are young men with lives of their own. Sometimes we eat together, sometimes we don't. They can help themselves if I am not around. I do work around the house in fits and starts - a bit here, a bit there and a complete purge when I am expecting visitors :) I am my own boss. It's a good job I don't have to produce an income, because as bosses go, I am a complete slacker! :)

So there we have it.

The root cause of my fatness is me and my lack of organising my day (into exercise sessions / healthy meal breaks /planning for eating out) and not wanting it - slimness - enough.

We all get the flashes of inspiration when we say we are going to change our lives and we'll work on 'me,' and we get fired up...but then many of us lose heart or just forget that every day has to be a day in which we 'diet' and do all that goes with it. But, if life is OK anyway, and thankfully, it is, doing the work on me has to be dedicated. I have to focus 100% - and I don't.

I lack that dedication to the cause, because on some days the cause (me) doesn't worry or trouble me. That has to be good - yes - in terms of mental health, but in terms of physical health it isn't, because my frame is lugging round five or six stones too many. I am permanently carrying the weight of a child on my back. (One stone equals 14lbs.) 14 x 5 = 70lbs. Or 84lbs if I want to be my optimum weight. At 142lbs I look positively svelte, so I don't need to get myself down into tiny clothes, nor do I see myself as becoming a very slim woman. I just want to rid myself of this excess weight.

See...when I write about it - like now - it makes perfect sense that I need to do this. I feel vaguely fired up again. :) Yay for blogging!

I am worth the effort of a healthy lifestyle, but can I be bothered make that effort, day after day after day? Week after week after week, month after month after month...and OMG..then we are into YEARS. It all seems too much, yet I know we have to do this one day at a time. And we have to do it for ...FOREVER. Gulp.

I get periods of self-loathing - my wake-up calls - caused only by :-

1) Seeing photos of me

2) Special events which involve dressing up. Whatever I wear to 'look my best' doesn't feel good on me...ever. I try to make the most of myself but feel uncomfortable during 'dressy' occasions.

3) When I know I am the biggest woman in the room (it shouldn't bother me, but it does.) I do a quick scan of the room and discover that I am indeed the fattest woman in it.

4) When I am naked and see myself in the mirror after showering.

5) This one is completely daft. Being in the company of successful, bright (and SLIM) career women. (When I have my regular committee meetings.) Now - doesn't that sound stupid? It's almost like I can make myself feel instantly inferior because I am fat. I have the brain-power, I have had the same success in the workplace, I have tons of relative experience - but these days, I feel awkward and BIG and I let that fact suck away my self-confidence. That is madness, but it happens. Major inferiority complex because I feel big - like I am not competing or functioning at the same level. I was appointed to the board for my 'wisdom' and the contribution I could make, yet I feel somehow 'inferior' because the women around me are trim, slim and well groomed. I am well groomed. That's where the similarity ends! Wrong and stupid, and I am conscious of it and can do all the positive self-talk to eliminate such worries, but they remain. I feel big and awkward and worry that I look big. Stupid, but there you go.

Oh there is a number 6 too. I am not married to my man and we don't live together, but even after five plus years of closeness and being engaged to marry, when we sleep with each other there is no way I am parading around in all my naked glory (or grossness.) It's an under-the-sheets-quickly routine for me. I should be too old and too experienced to worry. He loves me unconditionally, which is wonderful but I now get that big girl naked shyness.

On a day to day basis I am fine, so most of the time I am OK and then - smack - I am in one of those situations and all I can think about is my fatness, or all I can see are my rolls of fat and the blobby body. Sporadic self-hatred... It doesn't last. On a day to day basis I forget I am fat. Put on some big clothes, see a friend, have a laugh, see my man and my world is OK again. The face is fine - but from the shoulders down? Well, I can forget about that. It tends not to worry me much. I do my hair, my face, smile at myself and I am fine and go about my business not thinking about body shape and size or being overweight.

So...during the day I completely forget that I don't like the way I look. It's not uppermost in my mind, and rightly so.

I am finding that I FORGET I am big. I forget because I am happy and content or at least OK with life generally (even though it can still be worrying at times.)  I eat lazily and live lazily - and enjoy it all.

Things have to change - but, I ask myself, do I want this enough - this slim and healthier body? I keep forgetting that I am supposed to be losing weight!

Do you struggle with the 'life plan' on a daily basis, or has it become a way of life for you?