Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Doing It Long Term...Or Forever.

The more I write and the more I try to 'diet' to shed the pounds, the more discontented I become. The writing bit is fine, but I am so conscious of writing about the way I CAN'T get into 'dieting' or long term healthy eating and living.

I keep slipping up, but I am so aware that I should be sending out glad tidings...and I'm not. Forgive me, because I am not sure if reading about my lack of progress or my angst is what blogging (in this sphere anyway) is all about :)

I did warn you I wouldn't be a particularly good role model or indeed a source of inspiration.

I know there has to be a plan which is faithfully applied if we want to lose weight. It's the faithful application of the plan which trips me up!

I know the theory and I have for a long time been buying healthy foods. My boys were on a low sugar, fat and high fibre diet since they were little...the sort of eating plan which we should all follow I suppose. It's one that wouldn't harm us if we used all the food groups and ate in moderation. A good healthy diet, with no calorie counting, no excluded food groups and an awareness of eating (mainly) only when we are hungry, allowing for the occasional food treat, coupled with lots of movement (not necessarily planned exercise sessions) used to keep me fit and reasonably trim. I didn't even think about what I was eating or the amount of time I was 'resting'. I just lived.

Life was however hectic and busy - and at times super-stressful and very worrying. It still has it's moments but on a daily basis I have reclaimed my peace of mind (because I no longer work and do all the things single working Mum has to do.) Some of the stress (not all) has vanished...to be replaced with a sort of stagnation.

This is the most overweight I have ever been...my 228lbs starting weight. Inside I am happy..content..OK.

In a way, Colette says it for me. "I believe there are more urgent and honourable occupations than the incomparable waste of time we call suffering."

I refuse on a daily basis to let my shape or my lifestyle make me miserable - and ironically, perhaps that's my problem! Being fat isn't - on my life scale anyway - worthy of too much suffering. (We all know what real suffering is when it visits us and affects our lives.)

You either spend time anxiously worrying about it, letting it cloud your day, or, if it's possible, do something about it  - that tends to be my philosophy regarding most problems. Fatness as a problem can be overcome. (it's not easy or simple - it can be a complex set of problems that cause a person to become over-weight, I appreciate that, but in the great scheme of things, a fat person is capable of becoming a thinner person.) I can feel the odd pang of guilt, but for the most part, I forget I am fat, until I get one of those wake-up calls. My particular wake-up calls I list later. I tend to not want to worry about my weight, so I don't. Perhaps I should?

My life is OK, but I am aware that I really am not doing much with it. I socialise, I have a lovely man in my life, we get out and about often, and I still have to do housework (that never goes away!) but for the most part, I can idle my life away. I do a bit of voluntary work and I sit on a committee a couple of times a month, but if I want to have a lazy day, I do.

The trouble is - I am able to have LOTS of lazy days. There is no husband to come home at night expecting a meal on the table or a clean, shiny bright house. The boys are young men with lives of their own. Sometimes we eat together, sometimes we don't. They can help themselves if I am not around. I do work around the house in fits and starts - a bit here, a bit there and a complete purge when I am expecting visitors :) I am my own boss. It's a good job I don't have to produce an income, because as bosses go, I am a complete slacker! :)

So there we have it.

The root cause of my fatness is me and my lack of organising my day (into exercise sessions / healthy meal breaks /planning for eating out) and not wanting it - slimness - enough.

We all get the flashes of inspiration when we say we are going to change our lives and we'll work on 'me,' and we get fired up...but then many of us lose heart or just forget that every day has to be a day in which we 'diet' and do all that goes with it. But, if life is OK anyway, and thankfully, it is, doing the work on me has to be dedicated. I have to focus 100% - and I don't.

I lack that dedication to the cause, because on some days the cause (me) doesn't worry or trouble me. That has to be good - yes - in terms of mental health, but in terms of physical health it isn't, because my frame is lugging round five or six stones too many. I am permanently carrying the weight of a child on my back. (One stone equals 14lbs.) 14 x 5 = 70lbs. Or 84lbs if I want to be my optimum weight. At 142lbs I look positively svelte, so I don't need to get myself down into tiny clothes, nor do I see myself as becoming a very slim woman. I just want to rid myself of this excess weight.

See...when I write about it - like now - it makes perfect sense that I need to do this. I feel vaguely fired up again. :) Yay for blogging!

I am worth the effort of a healthy lifestyle, but can I be bothered make that effort, day after day after day? Week after week after week, month after month after month...and OMG..then we are into YEARS. It all seems too much, yet I know we have to do this one day at a time. And we have to do it for ...FOREVER. Gulp.

I get periods of self-loathing - my wake-up calls - caused only by :-

1) Seeing photos of me

2) Special events which involve dressing up. Whatever I wear to 'look my best' doesn't feel good on me...ever. I try to make the most of myself but feel uncomfortable during 'dressy' occasions.

3) When I know I am the biggest woman in the room (it shouldn't bother me, but it does.) I do a quick scan of the room and discover that I am indeed the fattest woman in it.

4) When I am naked and see myself in the mirror after showering.

5) This one is completely daft. Being in the company of successful, bright (and SLIM) career women. (When I have my regular committee meetings.) Now - doesn't that sound stupid? It's almost like I can make myself feel instantly inferior because I am fat. I have the brain-power, I have had the same success in the workplace, I have tons of relative experience - but these days, I feel awkward and BIG and I let that fact suck away my self-confidence. That is madness, but it happens. Major inferiority complex because I feel big - like I am not competing or functioning at the same level. I was appointed to the board for my 'wisdom' and the contribution I could make, yet I feel somehow 'inferior' because the women around me are trim, slim and well groomed. I am well groomed. That's where the similarity ends! Wrong and stupid, and I am conscious of it and can do all the positive self-talk to eliminate such worries, but they remain. I feel big and awkward and worry that I look big. Stupid, but there you go.

Oh there is a number 6 too. I am not married to my man and we don't live together, but even after five plus years of closeness and being engaged to marry, when we sleep with each other there is no way I am parading around in all my naked glory (or grossness.) It's an under-the-sheets-quickly routine for me. I should be too old and too experienced to worry. He loves me unconditionally, which is wonderful but I now get that big girl naked shyness.

On a day to day basis I am fine, so most of the time I am OK and then - smack - I am in one of those situations and all I can think about is my fatness, or all I can see are my rolls of fat and the blobby body. Sporadic self-hatred... It doesn't last. On a day to day basis I forget I am fat. Put on some big clothes, see a friend, have a laugh, see my man and my world is OK again. The face is fine - but from the shoulders down? Well, I can forget about that. It tends not to worry me much. I do my hair, my face, smile at myself and I am fine and go about my business not thinking about body shape and size or being overweight.

So...during the day I completely forget that I don't like the way I look. It's not uppermost in my mind, and rightly so.

I am finding that I FORGET I am big. I forget because I am happy and content or at least OK with life generally (even though it can still be worrying at times.)  I eat lazily and live lazily - and enjoy it all.

Things have to change - but, I ask myself, do I want this enough - this slim and healthier body? I keep forgetting that I am supposed to be losing weight!

Do you struggle with the 'life plan' on a daily basis, or has it become a way of life for you?


  1. FG: Raise your hand if you struggle with the life plan on daily basis. Can you see me here....waving and raising my hand?

    After throwing away over 50 lbs, my stomach looks like cottage cheese that has gone bad. I still have a lot to lose, but I don't think it's going to fix itself and it's appearance. So naked? No thanks. But I do relish the idea of much smaller clothing and not feeling like I'm the big, ugly, wrinkled, elephant in the room with perfume and earrings.

    I think all of us in weight loss blogland have our daily struggles, some just don't brag about.


  2. My struggle is better, but it is still there. One thing I do to remind me of how far I have come is to continue to wear my loser clothing. The bagginess is a constant reminder of my conquering of this daily struggle. Hang in there, Michele

  3. Your weight was my beginning weight Jan 2 this year. My weight is 30 lbs less. I'm still fat, still jiggly but not like I was. I've been married 30 years, still not happy with lights on but it's a bit better. This life style change hasn't been easy but it has been worth it. Your stuggle is something only you can figure out but I am sure all your followers and I will be here to cheer you on, support your every choice and be here to guide you, answer questions and encourage you.
    Take care and God Bless!!

  4. FB..I'm here to tell you that it only gets worse IF you don't do something about it NOW..it gets harder as you get older! Just in the past 2 years not only has everthing on my body from the shoulders down gone to hell but then my face and neck started to sag too...I wish I could look in the mirror and not see the age lines and the "wattle" on my neck..I know that there isn't anything I can do about those (except plastic surgery & I don't have the money for that) but I can do somthing about how I look in my clothes (nakid????). I will never be slim/skinny but I don't want to be the "fat" lady in the room so I keep reminding myself that I can't get comfortable with my size as it is right now.

  5. Perhaps it would motivate you to think about your blog in one year's time.

    Will it still be online?

    Will you still be writing about looking for motivation?

    Or will you be reporting lost pounds, smaller dress sizes and better eating habits?

    I guess I'm a few years older than you. I got up to 220 pounds, and reached my mid-40s, until I got serious about losing weight.

    One of the biggest regrets of my life is that I didn't get my ass into gear many years ago, but I have managed to lose the extra weight (90 pounds or nearly 6 1/2 stones) and kept it off for seven years now.

    I think the hardest part is actually starting - but it does get easier!

  6. OMG - you could be more, more or less!! I weigh about 305, cannot exercise, although I'd love to, which is a difference. But I feel old and grumpy and am trying to blog and art journal my way out of this funk.

  7. Thank you so much for ALL of your comments. Lots of (very positive!) food for thought there.

    It boils down to me doing it or not doing it I suppose? And yes, I am beginning to appreciate that as we age the weight just doesn't seem to disappear because of eating right and doing a bit more exercise. This has to be an all or nothing job I think...a full-on programme which I stick to, or a life of slouching around bemoaning my size.

    I just seem to lack that drive - you know, the one that keeps you going day after day?
    It's so easy to cop out - for any reason. I am my own worst enemy.

    The comments about looking back and wasting time really hit home. I seem to remember a quip along the lines of "The best time to start anything was last year. The second best time to start is right now."