Sunday, 15 August 2010

The Long And Winding Road...

Just been listening to that Beatles' track. One of my favourites and quite apt. This weight-loss business IS a long and winding road, isn't it? I am reminded that this is LIFE..not just a short journey, and it's hit me that it's going to be quite hard to ALWAYS be conscious of the foods I eat, and ALWAYS conscious of the amount of movement I do.

I'd like to say that eating sensibly and exercising daily were now second nature to me, but they're not. I am not sure whether to shrug in a 'don't care' manner, or to blush, because I am a bit of a weight-loss struggler. All I know is, I am fighting lots of mental battles daily...and I really am not fired up to go without foods I enjoy, or to move just for the sake of it. Yes, a blush is probably the most appropriate emoticon to use now.

After my third child was born I decided to shape up and all I know is, it was like my feet had wings. I was flying. I was so into 'doing the right thing' and challenging myself every day, and meeting no self-resistance. The weight came off easily and I toned up. I got into a routine and didn't even think much about getting down on the floor to do ab crunches or cycling in the air. I ate small portions of everything, avoided fatty foods, didn't buy junk and just got on with it. Every morning I did my exercises before breakfast and showering....and then I got three kids out of the house and to the child-minder, and went to work for the day!

Now, I have lots of time on my hands and seem reluctant to spend much of it deliberately moving my body. OK, so I am older, but I am still the same feisty woman who doesn't like to admit to failure, ever. Yes, my post-menopausal metabolism has certainly slowed down, but I get the feeling I could give it a kick-start by exercising more, moving more, working up a sweat occasionally. So why don't I just go and DO IT! Why the reluctance? I have no idea.

Reluctance : a lack of eagerness or willingness; disinclination

Fortunately, good eating habits over the years (or at least not having dreadful ones!) have helped me slightly this time, so I can honestly say I am not eating junk in great quantities or binge eating, but all that has done is helped me to fat, sluggish self.

I am deep in the midst of health procrastination - surely the most stupid, self-harming procrastination ever, yet I can't shake it off. It's one step forward, two steps back. I have lost another pound..over the last couple of weeks. That what my scale tells me this morning. So, for all my efforts I am now back to square one...the weight I was a month or so ago. Five pounds gained, and five pounds lost again - eventually. As I have said before, please don't look to me for inspiration. I am being honest here...I am giving you my 'middle-aged, not very fired-up or enthusiastic about this' reality.

I am taking comfort in the fact that I have lost a stone - 14lbs, since I began this blog. Even my blogging tales are about little progress. Losing is better than gaining I suppose.

I want to be running or flying, but instead I am trudging, dragging my feet. I maintain that the biggest part of living a healthy lifestyle is the mental bit. It begins and stays in the head and self-motivation and inspiration comes from there...or doesn't! Any external encouragement tends to be temporary. We have to drive ourselves on and can't rely on cheer-leaders telling us to get back up and carry on. It's good that they do, but what's the point of getting up time and time again only to stand still or to retreat back to where we came from the minute our cheer-leaders go off duty?

I am on a bend of a long and winding road...and there are rocks blocking the road ahead, which I have to get over, around, under....or find the strength from somewhere to shove them aside. There is a rock right in front of do I tackle it? Go away and think about it for a while, or start pushing? This is my life. If I want I can choose to find a cave and get off the road...I can stagnate in there. I seem happy to stagnate and I just can't tell you why!

Hmmm. Comfort zones. That's it I think. I prefer my comfort zones to life on the road. Only, if I stay in my comfort zone I am not going anywhere....and that cave can be a dark place. We all know that. Dilemma. At least I am not filling my cave with pizzas, chocolate, ice cream and doughnuts. The boulder hasn't gone over the opening yet. :) Laughing here. There is always hope, isn't there?

All I know is...I am doing it - or not doing it - for ME. You are doing it for you...and for no one else. I conclude that life on the road has to be a better place, even if I am trudging along, reluctantly and slowly.

Trudge along with me please...anyone else out there who isn't speeding along full of bounce?

I'll leave you with this. You'll know I am not one for schmaltzy stuff and hearts and flowers etc..but I'd read this in my cave and enjoy it.  C'mon, Let's trudge :)

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but have to sigh;

When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but do not quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;

And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things go wrong that you must not quit."

~ Unknown


  1. I'm a trudger, too. Let's go, albeit slowly...

    Many times I've been alone, and many times I've cried. Many times you'll never know the many ways I've tried.....

    I think those are the words, I think. Great song.

  2. I'm an all or nothing exerciser. I either spend 3-4 hours a day working out or nothing. Once I get going I lose all sense of time.

  3. I can very much identify with this. Also on a long windy road. Also slipped backwards in the past months. Also wonder if the day will come when I eat "normally" and don't have to think about food. Sigh.

  4. Well where would you be if you had not started? I think you are doing awesome!!! Any loss is a loss, don't discount where you are!!!

    I think going it slow is better. I've been at it since January. Lost 45 pounds so's not a lot and others have done better than me, but it's the journey....I have learned so much, applied a lot of new healthy things to my life that are now just normal everyday stuff. It's what I do. I would not change one thing...I'm going to keep plodding along and I WILL GET TO MY GOAL. You keep pushing through. Do everything you know to do, make good choices, move your body. You will make it to your goal. Don't quit. I believe in you!!! Hugs!!!

  5. "Any external encouragement tends to be temporary."

    I think realizing this is the difference between various outcomes for people who are trying to lose weight. Those who rely on external reinforcement start to have trouble carrying on when it fades as they approach their goal, or they keep seeking it long afterward and their whole life revolves around body image and food. If you are internally motivated and an all-around person with interests outside of your fabulous body, you have a much better chance of coming out the other side whole and fit.

    I don't think I'm a "trudger" through the process, but I'm also no speed demon. I'm a tortoise - slow and steady. I think for me this has become the case because the changes are very gradual. I never add or subtract anything until I'm really ready and I don't feel bad about what I haven't changed. It probably also helps that I rarely actually weigh myself so I'm not thinking about that number. I'm just focusing on the behavior and the thinking.

  6. I used to beat myself up.. ohh i dont do this right.. i messed this up.. then I finally had a rebirth of sorts.. why not just live and do the best I can.. so .. my food log might not get done.. my eating might not be perfect but did I make and effort to out there today and move.. did I do something productive with myself.. the answer to that would be yes.. today I went to the gym... and did the treadmill for 25 minutes at a good clip for me.. so i was happy and sweaty ..and sometimes happy and sweaty is just fine by me...

  7. You say "I want to be running or flying, but instead I am trudging, dragging my feet". OK, maybe it isn't the full-on speed-queen technique you'd like to see but YOU ARE STILL HERE.

    You haven't given up and regressed into snack-attack hell. Give yourself some credit and a big encouraging hug from me.

  8. Thanks all....I do beat myself up unnecessarily sometimes. Your thoughts and encouragement really DO keep me going, albeit at snail's pace! Thank you.