It can become a bit of an obsession, can't it? Focusing on the body I mean. I know when I focus on mine, in it's out of shape, lardy condition, I can bring myself down. I knacker my brain and my self-esteem with focusing on how big I've become and how slow my weight-loss progress is. Not good. I try not to, but in all honesty writing about fat me and how I deal with my eating problems/lifestyle problems is becoming a bit all-consuming. I'd be better off out walking somewhere (in the rain) than sitting here writing this.
Until fairly recently (OK, so sometime in the 1990s) I just got on with life, going about my business, never taking much notice of what I weighed. I didn't jump on the scale much at all. I have never been one of life's 'dieters' or weighers really - not because I was always slim and fit (far from it) but because I just wasn't preoccupied with me. I was busy and happy, successful at work, generally up-beat and content in myself, no matter what my size. It wasn't an issue really, even though I wasn't a particularly slim woman. What happened?
I realised I was gaining a considerable amount of weight, and it was at a bad time in my life, because my Mum had died. I was ill too with one condition/illness after another. I was inactive and fed up at the turns my life had taken.
I did nothing about it. I ate more, hated my shape more and the cycle continued...with hospital visits thrown into the mix. I didn't stop the rot, I just became fed up with the way I was living ad the shape I was becoming. However, if the frame of mind isn't right, there is no way you change your diet and lifestyle to fight the fatness. Mentally, you have to be 'in the zone' and I had no idea where my zone was.
And anyway, I hate being herded, made to conform...Fat? Get thin then. Huh! No way was I having that!
My brain was all over the place, trying to hold on to all I was, telling me to resist changing, yet at the same time agonising about my lifestyle and my shape. I am fat. I don't like being fat. But don't you dare tell me slim is the only way to be! Confused? I was.
I wallowed and drowned in a sea of fat self-hatred, but did nothing about it - almost rebelling against the diet and exercise philosophy so prevalent in the western world. This was my thinking. "Sod off! Leave me alone. I am me, like it or lump it. I am not buying into the slim and fit marketing scam. I like cakes too much. I realise the world is full of air-brushed and beautiful women - I'll never be one of them, I don't want to be either, I am a feminist don'tcha know, so go away you horrible jogging woman in skin-tight Lycra and let me eat and whine about life's unfairness es. I am not buying into it. Go on. Clear off! Leave me be, just as I am."
Laughing here. Too much resistance is just as destructive as a dieting obsession? :)
I am not sure, but if I analyse the way my mind worked, that was the tape I was playing for most of this decade. "I am not going to conform and become a diet bore. Not me. I am above that nonsense. Obsession with shape and size is for bimbos."
Resist, resist, resist.
Then, when I came out of that unhappy and muddled place and confronted my denial I decided that it would be best for me to draw up a plan for myself, so that I could be the healthiest version of me possible. I wanted to come out of the blinkered darkness and see the light. This was about my health really, not my looks. That's what I told myself.
And then - OMG - then I'd see a recent photograph of myself and be plunged into despair. My looks DID matter after all. I looked hideous in photos. I didn't look good, despite my self-conscious smiling for the camera. Where had my looks gone? Ageing is bad enough, but when every photo is one you want to rip to shreds, you know changes in either thinking or physique have to be considered.
Then the thinking went - "I've tried. This mountain is too big to climb. I can't do it. There are too many changes to make, and even one by one I am missing cakes. It's too hard. I am a mess. Unworthy. Useless."
Oh-oh. Warning signals. Despair. Depression.
The mental battles were affecting my well-being. This was my thinking once I started my campaign and the progress was slow and I reverted to my former idle lifestyle. "Remain fat. Resist the wisdom that tells you such a big body is an unhealthy body. I am fat. Let the world deal with it - and in the meantime I'll glower. How dare society cast me out for being a size 20/22? Huh! I am staying like this. Get over it world!"
See how the thought processes became completely f*cked up?
Then in gentler, more forgiving moments I'd tell myself - "Embrace the knowledge that you can change yourself and retain your integrity. You don't have to become a diet bore, a woman obsessed with what she looks like. Actively start to fight your resistance. Slowly. Gently. Start making healthier choices about the way you live. You deserve to treat yourself well, and remaining fat and unhappy isn't to do with a superior feminist code, it's more to do with a lack of belief in your ability to change things."
And that's where I am now. Trying to do this gently.
Doing it because I deserve to be healthy. I want to be healthy. It's good to be aware of the choices I have. I think that's a fairly healthy state of mind.
I won't lie to you. It's hard doing this every day, because I still invariably beat myself up when I have a 'bad' day.
All I know is - trying to lose weight seems to take over a large portion of the brain and consciousness. That disturbs me. However, I suppose it HAS to be that way, until a healthier way of life is established and becomes automatic?
I am wondering whether I should just get on and do it (or not do it) and leave the blogging behind? It seems to me that I can almost write myself down. It highlights my lack of progress. It allows me to zoom in on my short-comings. (I have many!) I'd zoom in on my successes too, and I do recognise all that is good about me, but my failure to lose weight steadily and regularly is all too clear, because I write about it - and may be focus on it too much?
Blogging helps me remain accountable, and I am slimmer now than when I started writing, but it also documents the struggle. Does my blog scream "Loser! No commitment!" to you? It often does to me. I am fired up, and then I'm not. I am enthusiastic about drawing up a plan, and then I'm not. I am going to do this - and then I fail to do it regularly, consistently...until I get fired up again. It's not good, is it?
Perhaps I am just being hard on myself - again, but I am not sure if my writing about my up and down days as I try to lose weight is helping me. If it's not helping me - how can it help you? What is the point of it?
I have a dilemma, however, my fingers get lots of exercise when I write. Every cloud has a silver lining eh? :)
Is blogging helping or hindering you?
Monday 8 November 2010
Sunday 7 November 2010
The Art of Self Esteem.
I was thinking the other day that I really ought to treat myself better. I ought to love myself more. If I did hold myself in high regard, I'd surely look after myself well and treat my body kindly and with respect.
Fat people tend not to do that. Their body becomes the 'punching bag' for all of life's ills, disappointments, regrets, heart-aches. We take it out on our digestive systems. We put too much food into our stomachs and have our bodies deal with it. We enjoy eating. It soothes us. We over-eat. The chances are that we make no big effort to exercise off our big meals or our plentiful snacks either. We slowly, slowly become plump, then rotund, then blobby, then obese...really fat. I don't think the term 'morbidly obese' existed when I was a child in the 60s. If it did it wasn't bandied around as it is today.
Ha ha ha. I read that (above) in an article entitled "Love Yourself" or something similar. We have heard it or read it all before, right? Well, on the surface it makes perfect sense, but I suspect that even the slimmest, most gorgeous specimens of human beauty are wired to find fault with themselves in some way or another :) We can so easily bring ourselves down, can't we? I hold up my hands to being able to do that really well.
I could write a list now of all the things that make me a wonderful individual. It would be quite a long list too. You could do that as well. We all could.
So, if there is so much about us that is really good and worth hanging on to, why do (most) overweight people dislike themselves so much? I have to say now that I wrote recently about being too comfortable with myself and my lifestyle. I only become down and depressed about my shape when I consciously see that I am fat...Certain situations bring me down, photos of me are depressingly horrible and I am always aware when I am the fattest person in the room, because I scan the room and make comparisons. Awful, but I do. Some situations trigger self-loathing of the body, but I am contented and happy otherwise.
Now we all know that we live in an age where we are bombarded with images of human perfection. Most of the still images have been airbrushed and most of the animated ones have had thousands of pounds worth of beauty treatments lavished on them. They also have the benefits of having make-up artists and hairdressers following them around. They have life coaches and physical fitness coaches as part of their entourage. It's not a real world....very few people inhabit those realms, yet we suddenly have a new guage, a new level of gorgeousness that few of us can aspire to.
We tell ourselves this and we know it to be true, yet all of a sudden, to be overweight is an indication that we are couch potatoes, fairly worthless nonentities who stuff our faces full of food and slob about all day. We become invisible. We are overlooked for jobs...we just don't measure up.
Pah! No wonder our self esteem takes a beating.
Anyway....popular thinking tells us that when you love yourself you automatically take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. Do fat people do that? Not often. You take care to look and feel your best by nurturing your body, mind and spirit.
So....if fatties don't do that (and most of us don't take care of ourselves properly, do we?) then surely we have to start appreciating ourselves more and caring for ourselves every single day? It's crucial I'd say.
If we don't love ourselves enough, we are told to start taking care of our body and our mind and spirit. If our self esteem is low, we can raise it - right now. Today. In really, properly caring for ourselves we'll become more self-aware, and we'll hopefully generate feelings of self-worth and accomplishment when we do sort out our diet and exercise programme. The more you do, the more success you achieve, the better you feel about yourself in all areas. We only have to read the blogs of successful slimmers to see that their confidence has soared and that they can accomplish things they wouldn't have dreamed of attempting when they were overweight and full of self doubt.
I have a big glass of water by my keyboard. I have not had a good eating day today...but tomorrow doesn't have to follow the same pattern. Long term goals are no good for me, but on a daily basis I can keep myself motivated. One day at a time I will stick to my plan, and every day that I do faithfully eat well and make the effort to exercise, the more I'll begin to love myself more. I am banking on those small daily achievements boosting my self esteem. I have given up on myself for too long. I allow myself to fail. When I fail I continue to chip away at my own self-worth.
I don't want to grow any fatter, but I do want to grow lots of healthy self-esteem.
Do you love yourself enough? Have you decided you are worth the enormous effort it takes to do this, day after day after day? These are the days of our lives after all. We owe it to ourselves to make them good ones.
Fat people tend not to do that. Their body becomes the 'punching bag' for all of life's ills, disappointments, regrets, heart-aches. We take it out on our digestive systems. We put too much food into our stomachs and have our bodies deal with it. We enjoy eating. It soothes us. We over-eat. The chances are that we make no big effort to exercise off our big meals or our plentiful snacks either. We slowly, slowly become plump, then rotund, then blobby, then obese...really fat. I don't think the term 'morbidly obese' existed when I was a child in the 60s. If it did it wasn't bandied around as it is today.
"When you love yourself, you invest in your personal growth and development. You endeavour to be the best that you can be, and you strive to achieve your potential."
Ha ha ha. I read that (above) in an article entitled "Love Yourself" or something similar. We have heard it or read it all before, right? Well, on the surface it makes perfect sense, but I suspect that even the slimmest, most gorgeous specimens of human beauty are wired to find fault with themselves in some way or another :) We can so easily bring ourselves down, can't we? I hold up my hands to being able to do that really well.
I could write a list now of all the things that make me a wonderful individual. It would be quite a long list too. You could do that as well. We all could.
So, if there is so much about us that is really good and worth hanging on to, why do (most) overweight people dislike themselves so much? I have to say now that I wrote recently about being too comfortable with myself and my lifestyle. I only become down and depressed about my shape when I consciously see that I am fat...Certain situations bring me down, photos of me are depressingly horrible and I am always aware when I am the fattest person in the room, because I scan the room and make comparisons. Awful, but I do. Some situations trigger self-loathing of the body, but I am contented and happy otherwise.
Now we all know that we live in an age where we are bombarded with images of human perfection. Most of the still images have been airbrushed and most of the animated ones have had thousands of pounds worth of beauty treatments lavished on them. They also have the benefits of having make-up artists and hairdressers following them around. They have life coaches and physical fitness coaches as part of their entourage. It's not a real world....very few people inhabit those realms, yet we suddenly have a new guage, a new level of gorgeousness that few of us can aspire to.
We tell ourselves this and we know it to be true, yet all of a sudden, to be overweight is an indication that we are couch potatoes, fairly worthless nonentities who stuff our faces full of food and slob about all day. We become invisible. We are overlooked for jobs...we just don't measure up.
Pah! No wonder our self esteem takes a beating.
Anyway....popular thinking tells us that when you love yourself you automatically take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. Do fat people do that? Not often. You take care to look and feel your best by nurturing your body, mind and spirit.
So....if fatties don't do that (and most of us don't take care of ourselves properly, do we?) then surely we have to start appreciating ourselves more and caring for ourselves every single day? It's crucial I'd say.
If we don't love ourselves enough, we are told to start taking care of our body and our mind and spirit. If our self esteem is low, we can raise it - right now. Today. In really, properly caring for ourselves we'll become more self-aware, and we'll hopefully generate feelings of self-worth and accomplishment when we do sort out our diet and exercise programme. The more you do, the more success you achieve, the better you feel about yourself in all areas. We only have to read the blogs of successful slimmers to see that their confidence has soared and that they can accomplish things they wouldn't have dreamed of attempting when they were overweight and full of self doubt.
I have a big glass of water by my keyboard. I have not had a good eating day today...but tomorrow doesn't have to follow the same pattern. Long term goals are no good for me, but on a daily basis I can keep myself motivated. One day at a time I will stick to my plan, and every day that I do faithfully eat well and make the effort to exercise, the more I'll begin to love myself more. I am banking on those small daily achievements boosting my self esteem. I have given up on myself for too long. I allow myself to fail. When I fail I continue to chip away at my own self-worth.
I don't want to grow any fatter, but I do want to grow lots of healthy self-esteem.
Do you love yourself enough? Have you decided you are worth the enormous effort it takes to do this, day after day after day? These are the days of our lives after all. We owe it to ourselves to make them good ones.
Tuesday 2 November 2010
Doing It Long Term...Or Forever.
The more I write and the more I try to 'diet' to shed the pounds, the more discontented I become. The writing bit is fine, but I am so conscious of writing about the way I CAN'T get into 'dieting' or long term healthy eating and living.
I keep slipping up, but I am so aware that I should be sending out glad tidings...and I'm not. Forgive me, because I am not sure if reading about my lack of progress or my angst is what blogging (in this sphere anyway) is all about :)
I did warn you I wouldn't be a particularly good role model or indeed a source of inspiration.
I know there has to be a plan which is faithfully applied if we want to lose weight. It's the faithful application of the plan which trips me up!
I know the theory and I have for a long time been buying healthy foods. My boys were on a low sugar, fat and high fibre diet since they were little...the sort of eating plan which we should all follow I suppose. It's one that wouldn't harm us if we used all the food groups and ate in moderation. A good healthy diet, with no calorie counting, no excluded food groups and an awareness of eating (mainly) only when we are hungry, allowing for the occasional food treat, coupled with lots of movement (not necessarily planned exercise sessions) used to keep me fit and reasonably trim. I didn't even think about what I was eating or the amount of time I was 'resting'. I just lived.
Life was however hectic and busy - and at times super-stressful and very worrying. It still has it's moments but on a daily basis I have reclaimed my peace of mind (because I no longer work and do all the things single working Mum has to do.) Some of the stress (not all) has vanished...to be replaced with a sort of stagnation.
This is the most overweight I have ever been...my 228lbs starting weight. Inside I am happy..content..OK.
In a way, Colette says it for me. "I believe there are more urgent and honourable occupations than the incomparable waste of time we call suffering."
I refuse on a daily basis to let my shape or my lifestyle make me miserable - and ironically, perhaps that's my problem! Being fat isn't - on my life scale anyway - worthy of too much suffering. (We all know what real suffering is when it visits us and affects our lives.)
You either spend time anxiously worrying about it, letting it cloud your day, or, if it's possible, do something about it - that tends to be my philosophy regarding most problems. Fatness as a problem can be overcome. (it's not easy or simple - it can be a complex set of problems that cause a person to become over-weight, I appreciate that, but in the great scheme of things, a fat person is capable of becoming a thinner person.) I can feel the odd pang of guilt, but for the most part, I forget I am fat, until I get one of those wake-up calls. My particular wake-up calls I list later. I tend to not want to worry about my weight, so I don't. Perhaps I should?
My life is OK, but I am aware that I really am not doing much with it. I socialise, I have a lovely man in my life, we get out and about often, and I still have to do housework (that never goes away!) but for the most part, I can idle my life away. I do a bit of voluntary work and I sit on a committee a couple of times a month, but if I want to have a lazy day, I do.
The trouble is - I am able to have LOTS of lazy days. There is no husband to come home at night expecting a meal on the table or a clean, shiny bright house. The boys are young men with lives of their own. Sometimes we eat together, sometimes we don't. They can help themselves if I am not around. I do work around the house in fits and starts - a bit here, a bit there and a complete purge when I am expecting visitors :) I am my own boss. It's a good job I don't have to produce an income, because as bosses go, I am a complete slacker! :)
So there we have it.
The root cause of my fatness is me and my lack of organising my day (into exercise sessions / healthy meal breaks /planning for eating out) and not wanting it - slimness - enough.
We all get the flashes of inspiration when we say we are going to change our lives and we'll work on 'me,' and we get fired up...but then many of us lose heart or just forget that every day has to be a day in which we 'diet' and do all that goes with it. But, if life is OK anyway, and thankfully, it is, doing the work on me has to be dedicated. I have to focus 100% - and I don't.
I lack that dedication to the cause, because on some days the cause (me) doesn't worry or trouble me. That has to be good - yes - in terms of mental health, but in terms of physical health it isn't, because my frame is lugging round five or six stones too many. I am permanently carrying the weight of a child on my back. (One stone equals 14lbs.) 14 x 5 = 70lbs. Or 84lbs if I want to be my optimum weight. At 142lbs I look positively svelte, so I don't need to get myself down into tiny clothes, nor do I see myself as becoming a very slim woman. I just want to rid myself of this excess weight.
See...when I write about it - like now - it makes perfect sense that I need to do this. I feel vaguely fired up again. :) Yay for blogging!
I am worth the effort of a healthy lifestyle, but can I be bothered make that effort, day after day after day? Week after week after week, month after month after month...and OMG..then we are into YEARS. It all seems too much, yet I know we have to do this one day at a time. And we have to do it for ...FOREVER. Gulp.
I get periods of self-loathing - my wake-up calls - caused only by :-
1) Seeing photos of me
2) Special events which involve dressing up. Whatever I wear to 'look my best' doesn't feel good on me...ever. I try to make the most of myself but feel uncomfortable during 'dressy' occasions.
3) When I know I am the biggest woman in the room (it shouldn't bother me, but it does.) I do a quick scan of the room and discover that I am indeed the fattest woman in it.
4) When I am naked and see myself in the mirror after showering.
5) This one is completely daft. Being in the company of successful, bright (and SLIM) career women. (When I have my regular committee meetings.) Now - doesn't that sound stupid? It's almost like I can make myself feel instantly inferior because I am fat. I have the brain-power, I have had the same success in the workplace, I have tons of relative experience - but these days, I feel awkward and BIG and I let that fact suck away my self-confidence. That is madness, but it happens. Major inferiority complex because I feel big - like I am not competing or functioning at the same level. I was appointed to the board for my 'wisdom' and the contribution I could make, yet I feel somehow 'inferior' because the women around me are trim, slim and well groomed. I am well groomed. That's where the similarity ends! Wrong and stupid, and I am conscious of it and can do all the positive self-talk to eliminate such worries, but they remain. I feel big and awkward and worry that I look big. Stupid, but there you go.
Oh there is a number 6 too. I am not married to my man and we don't live together, but even after five plus years of closeness and being engaged to marry, when we sleep with each other there is no way I am parading around in all my naked glory (or grossness.) It's an under-the-sheets-quickly routine for me. I should be too old and too experienced to worry. He loves me unconditionally, which is wonderful but I now get that big girl naked shyness.
On a day to day basis I am fine, so most of the time I am OK and then - smack - I am in one of those situations and all I can think about is my fatness, or all I can see are my rolls of fat and the blobby body. Sporadic self-hatred... It doesn't last. On a day to day basis I forget I am fat. Put on some big clothes, see a friend, have a laugh, see my man and my world is OK again. The face is fine - but from the shoulders down? Well, I can forget about that. It tends not to worry me much. I do my hair, my face, smile at myself and I am fine and go about my business not thinking about body shape and size or being overweight.
So...during the day I completely forget that I don't like the way I look. It's not uppermost in my mind, and rightly so.
I am finding that I FORGET I am big. I forget because I am happy and content or at least OK with life generally (even though it can still be worrying at times.) I eat lazily and live lazily - and enjoy it all.
Things have to change - but, I ask myself, do I want this enough - this slim and healthier body? I keep forgetting that I am supposed to be losing weight!
Do you struggle with the 'life plan' on a daily basis, or has it become a way of life for you?
I keep slipping up, but I am so aware that I should be sending out glad tidings...and I'm not. Forgive me, because I am not sure if reading about my lack of progress or my angst is what blogging (in this sphere anyway) is all about :)
I did warn you I wouldn't be a particularly good role model or indeed a source of inspiration.
I know there has to be a plan which is faithfully applied if we want to lose weight. It's the faithful application of the plan which trips me up!
I know the theory and I have for a long time been buying healthy foods. My boys were on a low sugar, fat and high fibre diet since they were little...the sort of eating plan which we should all follow I suppose. It's one that wouldn't harm us if we used all the food groups and ate in moderation. A good healthy diet, with no calorie counting, no excluded food groups and an awareness of eating (mainly) only when we are hungry, allowing for the occasional food treat, coupled with lots of movement (not necessarily planned exercise sessions) used to keep me fit and reasonably trim. I didn't even think about what I was eating or the amount of time I was 'resting'. I just lived.
Life was however hectic and busy - and at times super-stressful and very worrying. It still has it's moments but on a daily basis I have reclaimed my peace of mind (because I no longer work and do all the things single working Mum has to do.) Some of the stress (not all) has vanished...to be replaced with a sort of stagnation.
This is the most overweight I have ever been...my 228lbs starting weight. Inside I am happy..content..OK.
In a way, Colette says it for me. "I believe there are more urgent and honourable occupations than the incomparable waste of time we call suffering."
I refuse on a daily basis to let my shape or my lifestyle make me miserable - and ironically, perhaps that's my problem! Being fat isn't - on my life scale anyway - worthy of too much suffering. (We all know what real suffering is when it visits us and affects our lives.)
You either spend time anxiously worrying about it, letting it cloud your day, or, if it's possible, do something about it - that tends to be my philosophy regarding most problems. Fatness as a problem can be overcome. (it's not easy or simple - it can be a complex set of problems that cause a person to become over-weight, I appreciate that, but in the great scheme of things, a fat person is capable of becoming a thinner person.) I can feel the odd pang of guilt, but for the most part, I forget I am fat, until I get one of those wake-up calls. My particular wake-up calls I list later. I tend to not want to worry about my weight, so I don't. Perhaps I should?
My life is OK, but I am aware that I really am not doing much with it. I socialise, I have a lovely man in my life, we get out and about often, and I still have to do housework (that never goes away!) but for the most part, I can idle my life away. I do a bit of voluntary work and I sit on a committee a couple of times a month, but if I want to have a lazy day, I do.
The trouble is - I am able to have LOTS of lazy days. There is no husband to come home at night expecting a meal on the table or a clean, shiny bright house. The boys are young men with lives of their own. Sometimes we eat together, sometimes we don't. They can help themselves if I am not around. I do work around the house in fits and starts - a bit here, a bit there and a complete purge when I am expecting visitors :) I am my own boss. It's a good job I don't have to produce an income, because as bosses go, I am a complete slacker! :)
So there we have it.
The root cause of my fatness is me and my lack of organising my day (into exercise sessions / healthy meal breaks /planning for eating out) and not wanting it - slimness - enough.
We all get the flashes of inspiration when we say we are going to change our lives and we'll work on 'me,' and we get fired up...but then many of us lose heart or just forget that every day has to be a day in which we 'diet' and do all that goes with it. But, if life is OK anyway, and thankfully, it is, doing the work on me has to be dedicated. I have to focus 100% - and I don't.
I lack that dedication to the cause, because on some days the cause (me) doesn't worry or trouble me. That has to be good - yes - in terms of mental health, but in terms of physical health it isn't, because my frame is lugging round five or six stones too many. I am permanently carrying the weight of a child on my back. (One stone equals 14lbs.) 14 x 5 = 70lbs. Or 84lbs if I want to be my optimum weight. At 142lbs I look positively svelte, so I don't need to get myself down into tiny clothes, nor do I see myself as becoming a very slim woman. I just want to rid myself of this excess weight.
See...when I write about it - like now - it makes perfect sense that I need to do this. I feel vaguely fired up again. :) Yay for blogging!
I am worth the effort of a healthy lifestyle, but can I be bothered make that effort, day after day after day? Week after week after week, month after month after month...and OMG..then we are into YEARS. It all seems too much, yet I know we have to do this one day at a time. And we have to do it for ...FOREVER. Gulp.
I get periods of self-loathing - my wake-up calls - caused only by :-
1) Seeing photos of me
2) Special events which involve dressing up. Whatever I wear to 'look my best' doesn't feel good on me...ever. I try to make the most of myself but feel uncomfortable during 'dressy' occasions.
3) When I know I am the biggest woman in the room (it shouldn't bother me, but it does.) I do a quick scan of the room and discover that I am indeed the fattest woman in it.
4) When I am naked and see myself in the mirror after showering.
5) This one is completely daft. Being in the company of successful, bright (and SLIM) career women. (When I have my regular committee meetings.) Now - doesn't that sound stupid? It's almost like I can make myself feel instantly inferior because I am fat. I have the brain-power, I have had the same success in the workplace, I have tons of relative experience - but these days, I feel awkward and BIG and I let that fact suck away my self-confidence. That is madness, but it happens. Major inferiority complex because I feel big - like I am not competing or functioning at the same level. I was appointed to the board for my 'wisdom' and the contribution I could make, yet I feel somehow 'inferior' because the women around me are trim, slim and well groomed. I am well groomed. That's where the similarity ends! Wrong and stupid, and I am conscious of it and can do all the positive self-talk to eliminate such worries, but they remain. I feel big and awkward and worry that I look big. Stupid, but there you go.
Oh there is a number 6 too. I am not married to my man and we don't live together, but even after five plus years of closeness and being engaged to marry, when we sleep with each other there is no way I am parading around in all my naked glory (or grossness.) It's an under-the-sheets-quickly routine for me. I should be too old and too experienced to worry. He loves me unconditionally, which is wonderful but I now get that big girl naked shyness.
On a day to day basis I am fine, so most of the time I am OK and then - smack - I am in one of those situations and all I can think about is my fatness, or all I can see are my rolls of fat and the blobby body. Sporadic self-hatred... It doesn't last. On a day to day basis I forget I am fat. Put on some big clothes, see a friend, have a laugh, see my man and my world is OK again. The face is fine - but from the shoulders down? Well, I can forget about that. It tends not to worry me much. I do my hair, my face, smile at myself and I am fine and go about my business not thinking about body shape and size or being overweight.
So...during the day I completely forget that I don't like the way I look. It's not uppermost in my mind, and rightly so.
I am finding that I FORGET I am big. I forget because I am happy and content or at least OK with life generally (even though it can still be worrying at times.) I eat lazily and live lazily - and enjoy it all.
Things have to change - but, I ask myself, do I want this enough - this slim and healthier body? I keep forgetting that I am supposed to be losing weight!
Do you struggle with the 'life plan' on a daily basis, or has it become a way of life for you?
Friday 29 October 2010
Spice Up Your Life...
Hah. Gotcha! No, this isn't a kinky weight-loss post, a soft-porn edition. It's about soup and drastic weight-loss measures:)
Being virtuous (and into making soups right now) I made a big, big pot of carrot and butternut squash soup yesterday. It was for me and the boys - enough to last for two days.
I was tasting as I went. The soup was sweet, despite seasoning, but had a good, yummy 'vegetable' flavour. I thought I'd add a bit of chili to give it an edge...take off the sweetness. I threw in a few chili flakes. Perhaps I added more than a few? Silly me. That was a mistake.
I blended it, served it up, with wholemeal bread for the boys, and took a spoonful.
Aaaaaargh! I almost spat it out. Oh yes...the taste of carrots and squash remained, but I didn't really want my insides to feel they'd been set alight as an after-shock! :)
Today I write to you with a burned tongue and gullet :) Not really, but I did ruin a big pot of soup. It was more than spicy! I may throw some boiled potatoes into it, and perhaps blend it with milk when I reheat it. That might take the burn-i-ness out of it. (I don't think burn-i-ness is a word...but 'heat' just doesn't describe it properly.) It seems a shame to throw the remainder down the plug-hole.
Ah well. Hot or not, it was healthy soup.
If all foods had an after-shock, I'd be able to avoid them like the plague. Easy-peasy. Imagine cream doughnuts tasting firey? They'd lose their appeal.
I may patent that. Slimming foods so spicy you just can't eat them. I have actually heard of people deliberately ruining their (tempting and fattening) food with peppers and spices and sauces so they wouldn't be able to eat them. You would go off food if it didn't taste nice, wouldn't you?
Just musing.
Thanks for indulging me.
Oh, one pound down this morning. Probably because I wan't able to drink my soup last night...either that or my insides have been burned out and weigh less :)
Have a good weekend.
Being virtuous (and into making soups right now) I made a big, big pot of carrot and butternut squash soup yesterday. It was for me and the boys - enough to last for two days.
I was tasting as I went. The soup was sweet, despite seasoning, but had a good, yummy 'vegetable' flavour. I thought I'd add a bit of chili to give it an edge...take off the sweetness. I threw in a few chili flakes. Perhaps I added more than a few? Silly me. That was a mistake.
I blended it, served it up, with wholemeal bread for the boys, and took a spoonful.
Aaaaaargh! I almost spat it out. Oh yes...the taste of carrots and squash remained, but I didn't really want my insides to feel they'd been set alight as an after-shock! :)
Today I write to you with a burned tongue and gullet :) Not really, but I did ruin a big pot of soup. It was more than spicy! I may throw some boiled potatoes into it, and perhaps blend it with milk when I reheat it. That might take the burn-i-ness out of it. (I don't think burn-i-ness is a word...but 'heat' just doesn't describe it properly.) It seems a shame to throw the remainder down the plug-hole.
Ah well. Hot or not, it was healthy soup.
If all foods had an after-shock, I'd be able to avoid them like the plague. Easy-peasy. Imagine cream doughnuts tasting firey? They'd lose their appeal.
I may patent that. Slimming foods so spicy you just can't eat them. I have actually heard of people deliberately ruining their (tempting and fattening) food with peppers and spices and sauces so they wouldn't be able to eat them. You would go off food if it didn't taste nice, wouldn't you?
Just musing.
Thanks for indulging me.
Oh, one pound down this morning. Probably because I wan't able to drink my soup last night...either that or my insides have been burned out and weigh less :)
Have a good weekend.
Thursday 28 October 2010
Putting it off, and putting it off...
Morning all. It's been so good to read that some of my favourite bloggers are doing well. They are losing weight, getting out there and enjoying life and their new found confidence rings out. What fantastic success stories. I want a bit of that for me. I can have a bit of that too. Nothing is preventing me losing weight.
So, can anyone tell me why I put off having my own success story?
Oh I know my life is about much more than losing weight, but a while ago I determined that this is what I would do, I'd lose weight, because being a fat woman was spoiling my life in many ways. I was becoming miserable, losing my enthusiasm for joining in, taking part. I'd wallow. I still do on some days. It's easy for me now to let life pass me by. I am finding it hard to make my days worthwhile. I could slob out all day. However, when I read a few blogs here I tell myself I have to make a decision. Do I really want to slob out and miss out on truly living, or do I want to be part of the game, to make today count for something?
I'd guess that with extra pounds and new rolls of fat their comes a certain sort of misery...not because we are so shallow that we believe the world is full of slim, air-brushed model types, but because our tighter clothes, our reflection in the mirror and the sight of recent photos makes us feel down. Everything we do as a fat person takes a bit more effort. Moving as others do becomes harder. We get out of breath quicker.
Let's not pretend there aren't negatives that come with the fat suit, because there are, no matter how much the fat acceptance people tell us we are being brain-washed.
This is the life we have, and if it becomes harder in many ways, then it isn't as good as it could possibly be, is it? We can laugh, we can have a jolly exterior and some people can be genuinely fat and happy. I think I am in a way. I am content and I am lucky to have a good life style but I know it's not a particularly healthy one.
On days when I have nothing much planned, (now I don't work, and my children have grown) I have the option to sit and do nothing much. Hmm. Nice. I deserve a life with fewer pressures.
However, I can go online, write, drink tea, graze all day long...and at the end of the day feel angry with myself that it's a day wasted, a day without goals, a day I have drifted through and probably gained a pound. Muscles haven't been used, brain has been engaged but the body, full of tea and grabbed snacks - all reasonably decent - is feeling sluggish. Sluggish body affects mind - and hey voila! - all of a sudden I turn from being a bright, middle aged woman who is content with her lot into a lazy, self-indulgent fat cow who deserves to grow fat and rot because she wastes life and opportunities to live.
*Laughing and shaking my head here.* Isn't it incredible how we can so easily bring ourselves down?
My dear old Mum always used to say keeping herself busy helped her to forget her cares and woes. It works. Too much time spent thinking, analysing, pondering can bring us down and have us focusing on all that isn't good with our lives.
I have a million and one jobs to do around the house, so today I have determined to tick at least one or two of those chores off my list. Win-win situation, as I'll exercise my body too. I'll also force myself out into the fresh air. Fresh air always lifts a mood I find.
I felt good yesterday. I walked for miles around Batsford Arboretum with my man and we saw the thousands of trees in all their colourful Autumn glory.
Being out in the world and being part of it helps me. It lifts me physically and mentally.
'DOING' does that for us. It lifts us, so don't we owe it to ourselves to join in, to make our bodies move?
Sometimes, when we feel miserable about being fat all we want to do is wallow, but in wallowing we put off the day when our body becomes lighter and healthier.
Today I am working towards a slimmer and healthier life by making sure I engage with life itself. I could waste my day or do something with it, and I choose to be part of it all, fat or not.
What are you doing today? Whatever you do, move if you can. Change the scenery if you can. This is a reminder to myself too.
Have a good 'un :)
So, can anyone tell me why I put off having my own success story?
Oh I know my life is about much more than losing weight, but a while ago I determined that this is what I would do, I'd lose weight, because being a fat woman was spoiling my life in many ways. I was becoming miserable, losing my enthusiasm for joining in, taking part. I'd wallow. I still do on some days. It's easy for me now to let life pass me by. I am finding it hard to make my days worthwhile. I could slob out all day. However, when I read a few blogs here I tell myself I have to make a decision. Do I really want to slob out and miss out on truly living, or do I want to be part of the game, to make today count for something?
I'd guess that with extra pounds and new rolls of fat their comes a certain sort of misery...not because we are so shallow that we believe the world is full of slim, air-brushed model types, but because our tighter clothes, our reflection in the mirror and the sight of recent photos makes us feel down. Everything we do as a fat person takes a bit more effort. Moving as others do becomes harder. We get out of breath quicker.
Let's not pretend there aren't negatives that come with the fat suit, because there are, no matter how much the fat acceptance people tell us we are being brain-washed.
This is the life we have, and if it becomes harder in many ways, then it isn't as good as it could possibly be, is it? We can laugh, we can have a jolly exterior and some people can be genuinely fat and happy. I think I am in a way. I am content and I am lucky to have a good life style but I know it's not a particularly healthy one.
On days when I have nothing much planned, (now I don't work, and my children have grown) I have the option to sit and do nothing much. Hmm. Nice. I deserve a life with fewer pressures.
However, I can go online, write, drink tea, graze all day long...and at the end of the day feel angry with myself that it's a day wasted, a day without goals, a day I have drifted through and probably gained a pound. Muscles haven't been used, brain has been engaged but the body, full of tea and grabbed snacks - all reasonably decent - is feeling sluggish. Sluggish body affects mind - and hey voila! - all of a sudden I turn from being a bright, middle aged woman who is content with her lot into a lazy, self-indulgent fat cow who deserves to grow fat and rot because she wastes life and opportunities to live.
*Laughing and shaking my head here.* Isn't it incredible how we can so easily bring ourselves down?
My dear old Mum always used to say keeping herself busy helped her to forget her cares and woes. It works. Too much time spent thinking, analysing, pondering can bring us down and have us focusing on all that isn't good with our lives.
I have a million and one jobs to do around the house, so today I have determined to tick at least one or two of those chores off my list. Win-win situation, as I'll exercise my body too. I'll also force myself out into the fresh air. Fresh air always lifts a mood I find.
I felt good yesterday. I walked for miles around Batsford Arboretum with my man and we saw the thousands of trees in all their colourful Autumn glory. Being out in the world and being part of it helps me. It lifts me physically and mentally.
'DOING' does that for us. It lifts us, so don't we owe it to ourselves to join in, to make our bodies move?
Sometimes, when we feel miserable about being fat all we want to do is wallow, but in wallowing we put off the day when our body becomes lighter and healthier.
Today I am working towards a slimmer and healthier life by making sure I engage with life itself. I could waste my day or do something with it, and I choose to be part of it all, fat or not.
What are you doing today? Whatever you do, move if you can. Change the scenery if you can. This is a reminder to myself too.
Have a good 'un :)
Wednesday 27 October 2010
Well, There is Always Next Year....
To the right of this post there is a little saying on my page, which includes the words 'keep fighting.'
It's hard to keep fighting for a new body, a new way of eating, a new way of using your time actively, isn't it? It's SO easy to slip back into old ways. Do you find that, or has your healthy eating and exercise campaign become a breeze?
Sigh. It hasn't been a good week, mainly because people have been visiting, we've had a busy weekend and eating on the go or eating out has been part of it. I just ate what I fancied, and although there were no binges, I ate lots of calorific things. I didn't make any attempt to work off the calories either. Basically, I didn't care, I enjoyed myself and any guilt I had when ordering a pudding quickly vanished.
Oh woe is me? No. Not at all. This was my doing. I hold my hands up. I just didn't try.
Since I last weighed myself I have gained 4+ lbs. Four plus? Lets just call it five. Back into the 200lbs+ zone.
So, 'dieting' wisdom tells me I shouldn't give up, that I have to get back on track. All is not lost. I can undo the damage. I can carry on. I tell myself a transformation has to happen now, and it will only happen if I keep working on myself. I entitled this piece "Well, there is always next year..." because I really feel I keep putting off (in my head) the time when I will be a slimmer, fitter version of me.
There is no finishing line, this isn't a race, but I am like the runner who keeps falling over. I get back up and fall over again. By the time I have crossed the finishing line all the other competitors have gone home and the stadium has been locked up. (If this were a real scenario I'd not be concerned about getting out or climbing over the gates - I'd be scouring the food outlets for left-over burgers and popcorn I expect.)
I know, I know. Nelson Mandela famously quoted Marianne Williamson, saying “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
Maybe some people find achieving personal goals easy? I know I don't. Oh, I could study and pass exams, that was no trouble, and any personal obstacles in the road of life I have worked around with determination and moved on, but I don't seem to be 100% motivated to lose weight. I have good reasons for wanting to be slimmer. It's just a 'want' however, not a burning ambition, or a firm goal. Although I have lost some weight, every pound I lose involves a struggle....and what I see as 'sacrifices.' I register the struggle, rather than the victory.
I keep forgetting I HAVE a goal. I give in too easily, without much thought.
Oh well, never mind there's always next year...
It doesn't have to be like that, does it? Not if I am determined to do what it takes. Not if I'm determined to achieve my goals. I appreciate that there is one clear truth with personal goals - no one can reach them for me. There has to be action on my part.
I have to remember why I am doing this. I have to constantly remind myself that I need to exercise the muscle of self-discipline more than any other.
The other day I read something which amused me, and which is also very apt, given I am losing weight so slowly. “By perseverance the snail reached the ark.”
Here's a drawing of a happy snail :)
(OK, OK. I liked it.)
We all have to persevere, don't we?
Are you still working at it? I hope so. I'll leave you with something written by Jim Rohn.
It's hard to keep fighting for a new body, a new way of eating, a new way of using your time actively, isn't it? It's SO easy to slip back into old ways. Do you find that, or has your healthy eating and exercise campaign become a breeze?
Sigh. It hasn't been a good week, mainly because people have been visiting, we've had a busy weekend and eating on the go or eating out has been part of it. I just ate what I fancied, and although there were no binges, I ate lots of calorific things. I didn't make any attempt to work off the calories either. Basically, I didn't care, I enjoyed myself and any guilt I had when ordering a pudding quickly vanished.
Oh woe is me? No. Not at all. This was my doing. I hold my hands up. I just didn't try.
Since I last weighed myself I have gained 4+ lbs. Four plus? Lets just call it five. Back into the 200lbs+ zone.
So, 'dieting' wisdom tells me I shouldn't give up, that I have to get back on track. All is not lost. I can undo the damage. I can carry on. I tell myself a transformation has to happen now, and it will only happen if I keep working on myself. I entitled this piece "Well, there is always next year..." because I really feel I keep putting off (in my head) the time when I will be a slimmer, fitter version of me.
There is no finishing line, this isn't a race, but I am like the runner who keeps falling over. I get back up and fall over again. By the time I have crossed the finishing line all the other competitors have gone home and the stadium has been locked up. (If this were a real scenario I'd not be concerned about getting out or climbing over the gates - I'd be scouring the food outlets for left-over burgers and popcorn I expect.)
I know, I know. Nelson Mandela famously quoted Marianne Williamson, saying “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
Maybe some people find achieving personal goals easy? I know I don't. Oh, I could study and pass exams, that was no trouble, and any personal obstacles in the road of life I have worked around with determination and moved on, but I don't seem to be 100% motivated to lose weight. I have good reasons for wanting to be slimmer. It's just a 'want' however, not a burning ambition, or a firm goal. Although I have lost some weight, every pound I lose involves a struggle....and what I see as 'sacrifices.' I register the struggle, rather than the victory.
I keep forgetting I HAVE a goal. I give in too easily, without much thought.
Oh well, never mind there's always next year...
It doesn't have to be like that, does it? Not if I am determined to do what it takes. Not if I'm determined to achieve my goals. I appreciate that there is one clear truth with personal goals - no one can reach them for me. There has to be action on my part.
I have to remember why I am doing this. I have to constantly remind myself that I need to exercise the muscle of self-discipline more than any other.
The other day I read something which amused me, and which is also very apt, given I am losing weight so slowly. “By perseverance the snail reached the ark.”
Here's a drawing of a happy snail :)
(OK, OK. I liked it.)
We all have to persevere, don't we?
Are you still working at it? I hope so. I'll leave you with something written by Jim Rohn.
“How long should you try? Until.”
Friday 22 October 2010
Some Days Are Harder Than Others.
Why is that? Why do I feel really revved up some days and full of confidence that I can follow my plan - then a few days later, feel reluctant to do so?
What happens? Today, and it's early as I type, I feel I am going through the motions. It seems like a slog. All the enthusiasm I felt a few days ago seems to have waned. It seems like an enormous task to lose this dumpy apple shape of mine - to get rid of these tyres of fat around my middle.
So far I have done the sensible thing. I have had a good, nutritious breakfast and I don't feel hungry. I've taken my daily medication. I fed the cat and later he head-butted me and purred against my arm as we had a chat. He is now asleep on his cushion. I have a big glass of water by my side and I am sipping it as I type. I got up at 6.45am as usual, saw my boys off to work, have done some work in the kitchen and as my house is on three levels I have been up and down the stairs several times. I have loaded the dishwasher and washing machine, chopped up some ham fat and put it on the bird-table for our feathered friends, (it's getting cold in the UK - very cold!) and now I want to slump, to laze about.
I have told myself that my indulgence is my blog post and then I'll put on an exercise DVD before showering. (I might just put it on and watch it - I have done that in the past!!!)
It's all a bit half-hearted.
However, we know how to get through spells like this, when we struggle to feel motivated. You just have to do it.
I could whine to myself until the cows come home about it 'not being fair' that I have to change my lifestyle. It won't help. Action is what is needed and sometimes you DO have to fake it to make it. I am doing this FOR ME, after all. Why would I make it more difficult than it has to be? In truth, it should be easy. (I almost wrote 'a piece of cake.') It isn't though, is it? Old ways and habits can get the better of us and slip ups, even small ones can trigger a downward spiral. That seems to be a common problem.
The most important thing is to take the next step. That makes sense. For me, the next step is to get moving, even though all my instincts tell me I could catch up with episodes of The Apprentice. I could make myself a nice mug of coffee and put my feet up. However, if I get my exercise out of the way, (even if I only do 15 minutes it's better than nothing,) then shower, I may feel psyched up to tackle the day with enthusiasm and gusto, or at least feel satisfied that I have been true to myself and stayed on plan.
You have to start if you want to achieve. It's the getting started that is sometimes difficult when there are cosier options to choose from. This is why gym membership is a non-starter for me. I did become a gym member - twice - and I wasted the (quite considerable) membership fees. Getting there was the hardest part.
I am finding that I have to KEEP planning throughout the day. A daily plan is no good. An hourly plan is better, for me. I have to keep having a 'next step' and I have to remind myself that the next step ought to be a healthy one that will bring me a little nearer to my goal. I already know what I shall be having for lunch. A soft tortilla with lots of salad and home-cooked ham...and a squirt of extra light mayo.
OK. Post done. On with the day.
Nike got it right. Sometimes, no matter what your mood, you just have to DO IT!
You are doing it for yourself today as well, aren't you? :)
Have a good one.
What happens? Today, and it's early as I type, I feel I am going through the motions. It seems like a slog. All the enthusiasm I felt a few days ago seems to have waned. It seems like an enormous task to lose this dumpy apple shape of mine - to get rid of these tyres of fat around my middle.
So far I have done the sensible thing. I have had a good, nutritious breakfast and I don't feel hungry. I've taken my daily medication. I fed the cat and later he head-butted me and purred against my arm as we had a chat. He is now asleep on his cushion. I have a big glass of water by my side and I am sipping it as I type. I got up at 6.45am as usual, saw my boys off to work, have done some work in the kitchen and as my house is on three levels I have been up and down the stairs several times. I have loaded the dishwasher and washing machine, chopped up some ham fat and put it on the bird-table for our feathered friends, (it's getting cold in the UK - very cold!) and now I want to slump, to laze about.
I have told myself that my indulgence is my blog post and then I'll put on an exercise DVD before showering. (I might just put it on and watch it - I have done that in the past!!!)
It's all a bit half-hearted.
However, we know how to get through spells like this, when we struggle to feel motivated. You just have to do it.
I could whine to myself until the cows come home about it 'not being fair' that I have to change my lifestyle. It won't help. Action is what is needed and sometimes you DO have to fake it to make it. I am doing this FOR ME, after all. Why would I make it more difficult than it has to be? In truth, it should be easy. (I almost wrote 'a piece of cake.') It isn't though, is it? Old ways and habits can get the better of us and slip ups, even small ones can trigger a downward spiral. That seems to be a common problem.
The most important thing is to take the next step. That makes sense. For me, the next step is to get moving, even though all my instincts tell me I could catch up with episodes of The Apprentice. I could make myself a nice mug of coffee and put my feet up. However, if I get my exercise out of the way, (even if I only do 15 minutes it's better than nothing,) then shower, I may feel psyched up to tackle the day with enthusiasm and gusto, or at least feel satisfied that I have been true to myself and stayed on plan.
You have to start if you want to achieve. It's the getting started that is sometimes difficult when there are cosier options to choose from. This is why gym membership is a non-starter for me. I did become a gym member - twice - and I wasted the (quite considerable) membership fees. Getting there was the hardest part.
I am finding that I have to KEEP planning throughout the day. A daily plan is no good. An hourly plan is better, for me. I have to keep having a 'next step' and I have to remind myself that the next step ought to be a healthy one that will bring me a little nearer to my goal. I already know what I shall be having for lunch. A soft tortilla with lots of salad and home-cooked ham...and a squirt of extra light mayo.
OK. Post done. On with the day.
Nike got it right. Sometimes, no matter what your mood, you just have to DO IT!
You are doing it for yourself today as well, aren't you? :)
Have a good one.
“Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.”
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