Thursday, 10 June 2010

I Want To Be PERMANENTLY Elated.

Ponder on this if you will for a minute, fellow weight-loss buddies. Don't we get a great high feeling when the scales record that we have been doing well? All our work and effort is paying off, and yesterday I felt empowered and elated. I was walking tall. I thought "Wey hey! It's all downhill from here!" and it was as though as my weight went down, I thought my moods could only go up - be good ones. I want to feel like I did yesterday - every day.

Yesterday I was thinking I was the bees knees...I'd cracked this dieting lark and it was going to be easy-peasy from now on. I was feeling good. I imagined I looked good. It doesn't work like that, does it? Today I am deflated..or rather my spirits are. If only I could deflate my body as quickly. What was I thinking? I am STILL the same fat woman. Sigmund knows where I'm at.

Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces. ~Sigmund Freud

Today I am slightly lighter than I was a week ago, but all I can see before me is weeks and months - years even - of my having to be vigilant about what I eat and mindful of how I move my body. My bubble has been burst. Today I don't feel empowered. There was a reason. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Today I have been busy. I have had a meeting to attend and a sub committee to sit on (you know what I mean :) I didn't sit on my fellow members. I would have squashed them.) I have eaten well and I have been active and my brain has been sharp. However, whilst I was getting ready for these meetings this morning I was conscious that my rushing about after showering was making me hot and bothered and that even though I'd chosen a smart and fairly sober 'working' outfit, I still looked fat and well - not good, despite my best grooming efforts. I'd done my hair and make-up, but my longish grey skirt made me look dumpy, my ankles looked swollen in my black court shoes, my darker grey blouse clung to my stomach and bust (even though it was large enough and the buttons weren't exactly straining, it didn't look good) and my grey jacket, which fitted on the shoulders and arms, just wouldn't meet in the middle, around my incredibly huge stomach. So, 'trying to look professional and failing badly' was about as good as it got :(

So my contribution to both meetings was valuable I think but what is it about a woman (men too?) on a diet that makes her aware of the way other people wear their clothes? Is it just me, or are you also ultra-conscious of how GOOD some people look when they are dressed up? It only serves to highlight our own misshapen bodies.

Now I KNOW we didn't gather to compare looks, but, the other women there..all high-fliers..a couple of solicitors and and company directors, and some men from the world of business all looked groomed and well-tailored. They looked sharp. I looked and felt like a retired middle-aged woman who'd lost the plot...who was vaguely 'past it.' I am not. All that's wrong with me is my blobby, wobbly, fat body, but it's amazing how there are times when you are SO conscious of your shape. This was one of those times.  I am OK at bigging myself up. I value my assets, my reasonable brain, my parenting skills, my sense of humour, my professional attributes, my good character and my generally optimistic disposition (Honestly - I do tend to find chinks of light in the dark!!) I am more than my shape and more than the number on the scale - I know that.

Today however, I just wanted to be able to wear one of those chic, short-waisted suit jackets. (You know the Channel look - the boxy short jacket - but trendier?) One of the other women wore one..and I was so conscious of thinking.."I want to look like that." I want to be able to wear a trim, short, fitted jacket.

OK, so that's what I am working towards, but today that dream seemed like a million years away. I know it's not, but every day I have to work towards gaining a trim waist and it seems almost these early stages of my journey.

That's it really. Felt good yesterday - as though I could move mountains. I feel less good and very fat today. I realise I am at base-camp.

Ha ha. You get Sigmund Freud AND Donny Osmond in one piece today, lucky people. Are they BOTH great thinkers? :) Who'd have known it? :)

I shan't belittle Donny - what he said makes sense. It's a cracking quotation for slimmers anyway!

If you're climbing the ladder of life, you go rung by rung, one step at a time. Don't look too far up, set your goals high but take one step at a time. Sometimes you don't think you're progressing until you step back and see how high you've really gone. ~ Donny Osmond


  1. We are all so hard on ourselves. =(

    I feel the same way sometimes. I'll feel like a million bucks and then get a glimpse in a window reflection or something that will devastate me. I'll then spend ages looking at those around me and resenting that I don't look like them.

    Then I realize that I'm coveting. I teach my kids about honoring God's commandments and it's a shame that I can't appreciate the blessings I have been given ... and that includes this dimpled body of mine.

    I also realize that when I'm wishing I was someone else, half the time I'm taking their hair and someone else's legs and someone else's lips, etc. I am hacking these poor people apart to make something perfect.

    That's horrible and sad and demeaning and I apologize for doing that to them.

    It does helps me realize that no one is walking perfection and it's a worthwhile gift to myself to accept where I am at every stage in this tedious process.

  2. Grumpy: I know this struggle all too well. Even with my best haircut, makeup on, a new outfit, shoes, bag and feeling like I am some sassy young thing it just takes one glance at someone thin and dressed up to feel like crap.

    I have a photo on my desk of myself and three girlfriends. It was taken right after my foot surgery, so I'm wearing black pants and sweater and two surgery boots. My friends, ranging from teeny to medium, are wearing sexy dresses and high heels. I look like one of the bag ladies in Mary Poppins while they look like Sex and the City. This, of course, was also taken at my very highest weight.

    However, I understand that I can't fix this overnight, but one day at a time, one bite at a time. On my "someday" list is a sexy, sequinned dress in a very small size with high heels and an occasion to wear it all.

    We can do it. Carry on.

  3. Hmmm, know what you mean. Why is it that two days can be so very different?

    Sometimes it happens when you see someone else looking fabulous, sometimes it just damned well happens for no discernible reason. To be honest, even having lost some weight and looking more 'normal' these days (whatever that actually is), I still get those ones when I feel crappy and would really rather like to hide myself completely away from anybody's view. That's usually when investing in a burqa sounds like a cracking idea!

    I guess it's just another part of life and something to ride out until the feeling passes. And it will pass.

    You are doing really well and you will get to that short, boxy jacket. Have a look at what Lyn has to say today at and just take things one day at a time.

  4. I've been having similar "it's going to take FOREVER" feelings this week. I was all pleased with my own recent weight loss until I tried to take my waist measurements, and found I don't actually have a waist.

    Another blogger I read, Clive, has a saying "This is a marathon, not a sprint," which I keep telling myself. And I do like Donny's quote too!

  5. Yes, you are right Christie - this IS a marathon. However I am sure if I were an athlete I'd be a sprinter. (Has little chuckle to self at thought.)I suppose I am rather impatient. In life I don't like things to be long and drawn out. I like results. I'll have to be content with small victories at (probably) irregular intervals. I wonder when we just accept that this is the way it has to be and stop fighting it?

    LOl Deniz. In an earlier post I suggested I could become Kaftan Woman. No super-hero for me, but a big comfy kaftan to hide my shape might be a good investment. They've gone out of fashion, haven't they? Probably easier to find a burqa these days:) I am OK from the shoulders up - if I could shed some of the chubbiness from my face :)

    Jo that's the 'big woman' problem. We dress up and make the most of ourselves and then look in a mirror or later see a photograph of ourselves and realise what we thought looked good erm...doesn't really.

    And yes Dani, I completely agree. We are hard on ourselves, but in the overall scheme of things how we look isn't that important. There are greater things to worry about. I am grateful that all my bits work (some better than others) and that at least I CAN do something about my body. Sometimes we really do need to pause and smell the roses and get things into perspective. Isn't it strange that fatness makes us almost ultra-aware of the shape of our body? I wonder if slim people are so critical of themselves? I've advised others to count their blessings - and yes, I must take my own advice.It's up to me to look after this body of mine and slowly I am making it better. Isn't it great that we CAN?

    Hey...thanks all for your comments. Sometimes this is a bit of a lonely daily journey. Knowing you are out there understanding what this journey is like really DOES help x x

  6. I enjoyed your blog! I'm 50 (almost, anyway), but definitely fat and grumpy! I've been struggling with my weight my whole life. It's crap. I hate it. Carry on! And, by the way, Donny Osmond does often have some very wise things to say!