Monday, 14 June 2010

WAIL....WAIL ! Or Should that be WHALE?

You know, I blog but it seems to be high-lighting for me what a disaster I have become. My eyes are fully opened to the shape my body is in and the hard work it's going to take to become even vaguely slim again. I am fed up (again) so please feel free to click on to another more positive, upbeat account of the life other slimmers are leading.

I appreciate that we all have down days. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. After all, for all her positivity, you'd really want to tape Pollyanna's mouth shut after a day spent in her company, wouldn't you? I'd be running to the hills screaming if everything was sugar-coated and pleasant in the world I'd have to inhabit with her. Don't get me wrong. I like positive people and those with a 'can do' attitude. I am probably one of them  and for much of my working life I was encouraging young people to do their best, with all sorts of strategies. I was a member of many teams which were trouble-shooting and aiming to iron out problems so things could move forward successfully. I can do positive and encouraging, but today I feel discouraged. I know it's only a blip but it's the sort of blip that wants me to go away and eat all sorts of yummy but fattening foods. Yes, today I want to drown in a sea of foods which really aren't good for me. Hmm. Who said I wasn't an emotional eater?

I am down rather than fired up because this morning I viewed the official album of weddings photographs. (I mentioned in an earlier post that my sister got married a few weeks ago and we all had a great day out.) The sun shone and I wore a pale turquoise top over a blue patterned skirt (with turquoise flowers). I wore my hair up and found some lovely beads to wear around my neck which complemented my outfit. My small sparkly earrings matched the blue stone in my engagement ring. I paid attention to my make-up too. I thought I looked good.

I didn't. I looked like a blue whale.

I suspect even glamorous stars dislike some of the pictures they appear in. I imagine most of us look at some photos of ourselves and find them less than flattering. However, even the head and shoulders shots of me weren't good. My face is as round as a dinner plate. I have always had a round face. We can't change the shape of our faces after all. My round face now though is a chubby round face. My eyes looked piggy, my blonde hair looked dry and slightly dishevelled, my mouth looked thin and my smiles looked self-conscious. My legs in their dark (supposedly flattering) tights were chunky and there was no definition between my calves, ankles and feet. Black cankles under a blue skirt. I am dumpy. The worse thing however was my middle. How I wished I'd worn a whale-boned corset! My middle, in all it's turquoise glory was flabby, bulging, blobby. It protruded and I didn't look good at all. How I wish I'd worn black or something patterned. The pale blue highlighted the enormous amount of flab. It was shocking. WHY don't I see it every day? Have I developed selective sight or something? I looked dreadful. Awful - and fat and out of condition. Believe me, that's not false modesty. I don't want to order one single photograph with me in it. MY partner looked smart and handsome, my children (in their early twenties) looked gorgeous and friends and family looked relaxed and happy.

I'll remember the lovely day. It was a lovely day and I was happy during it. Get over it. Here. Read this fatty.

The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way. ~ Robert Kiyosaki

Just to add to my woes I stood on the scales this morning and my weight hasn't budged. It seems to go up and down a few pounds from day to day. Mid week I was elated to see a few more pounds gone. There was no reason (other than faulty scales!) for those pounds to reappear the next day. OK, so we retain water..have bodily fluctuations, but I am now living a deliberate life and I am becoming ultra-aware of what I am eating. I am trying to incorporate more movement into my days. I am wondering why I bother. I guess I am hoping for the day to arrive when I have my photograph taken and I am pleased with the result. I want to throw in the towel, but I won't. It all seems like such a hard slog though. Those photographs have a lot to answer for. I am really like that. There is no kidding myself, and I don't feel fired up to do something about it. I feel down and ready to drown in a sea of cakes.


  1. Oh Grumpy, please try not to let it get you too down in the dumps. Hard to do, easy to say - I know.

    Look yourself in the eye (OK, OK, in the mirror then, if you want to be picky) and tell yourself that you have made a brilliant, fabulous, positive start to changing the things you don't like.

    Already, and this is the biggie - in just a tiny wee short space of time you've lost eleven whole pounds! Look at that counter at the top of the page - it don't lie, me dear. That's almost a stone - be proud of yourself and give yourself a big hug and a cheer.

    You had a great day on the day - don't let a few pictures take the gloss off a lovely memory.

    As to those scale woes, try looking for alternative victories to celebrate. The waistband on a skirt feeling looser, doing the exercise walks while enjoying some windowshopping (getting a step counter might help spur you on here), etc.

    You are going great guns - don't give up on us now... please?

  2. Grump: Why don't you post some pictures? Ms. M and I just put up some "during" photos, which are just slightly better than the "hideous" er I mean "before" photos. Actually today, several people commented that I was really starting to slim down. I don't see it or feel it, but somehow they all have been lulled into believing it.
    Carry on. Jo

  3. Blips happen, but "drowning in a sea of cakes," (that is the best line I've read tonight), is definitely fattening, if not fatal. Myself I'm a fat old grump like you, who thinks alot about getting slim, doing the garden, decorating ecetera, ecetera. Perhaps, we're just thinkers not doers. The time has come to be a doer, in the future you don't want to look back with regret, you want to look in the mirror and see achievement, beginning now.

  4. Post the pictures! ( You can blot out your face if you like) Perhaps we can give you some good feedback.

  5. Any of my pictures from the last two years are brutal to look at. It seems I have an eyesight malfunction. I use mirrors everday so I know what I look like, or think that I do, right up until I look at an unposed photo. They have the power to shock me still. I do believe that I carry an image in my head of better days. But I am going to try to use that as my goal picture. I posted my fat picture, without my head, on my blog. Ouch. Still it's a good reminder to straighten up and fly right. I think you're alright and the fact that you care what you looked like in the photos is a good thing. If you cease to care, that's when it will be a problem.

  6. Just a thought but you might want to look at Diane's post today at:

    Have a great day.

  7. I want to hug you all. Thank you. (Blows nose.) Really.

    Everything you have said makes such sense, and today I feel full of fight again. I am still a lumpy, lardy fat woman, but feeling stronger because I know that before long I WILL look better in photographs. Deniz - I looked over at Diane's blog and yes, I know I am making progress, perhaps because as Fat at Fifty Five says, I haven't ceased to care what I look like.

    Thanks again - you lot are a tonic ! xx