I appreciate that we all have down days. We wouldn't be human if we didn't. After all, for all her positivity, you'd really want to tape Pollyanna's mouth shut after a day spent in her company, wouldn't you? I'd be running to the hills screaming if everything was sugar-coated and pleasant in the world I'd have to inhabit with her. Don't get me wrong. I like positive people and those with a 'can do' attitude. I am probably one of them and for much of my working life I was encouraging young people to do their best, with all sorts of strategies. I was a member of many teams which were trouble-shooting and aiming to iron out problems so things could move forward successfully. I can do positive and encouraging, but today I feel discouraged. I know it's only a blip but it's the sort of blip that wants me to go away and eat all sorts of yummy but fattening foods. Yes, today I want to drown in a sea of foods which really aren't good for me. Hmm. Who said I wasn't an emotional eater?
I am down rather than fired up because this morning I viewed the official album of weddings photographs. (I mentioned in an earlier post that my sister got married a few weeks ago and we all had a great day out.) The sun shone and I wore a pale turquoise top over a blue patterned skirt (with turquoise flowers). I wore my hair up and found some lovely beads to wear around my neck which complemented my outfit. My small sparkly earrings matched the blue stone in my engagement ring. I paid attention to my make-up too. I thought I looked good.
I didn't. I looked like a blue whale.
I suspect even glamorous stars dislike some of the pictures they appear in. I imagine most of us look at some photos of ourselves and find them less than flattering. However, even the head and shoulders shots of me weren't good. My face is as round as a dinner plate. I have always had a round face. We can't change the shape of our faces after all. My round face now though is a chubby round face. My eyes looked piggy, my blonde hair looked dry and slightly dishevelled, my mouth looked thin and my smiles looked self-conscious. My legs in their dark (supposedly flattering) tights were chunky and there was no definition between my calves, ankles and feet. Black cankles under a blue skirt. I am dumpy. The worse thing however was my middle. How I wished I'd worn a whale-boned corset! My middle, in all it's turquoise glory was flabby, bulging, blobby. It protruded and I didn't look good at all. How I wish I'd worn black or something patterned. The pale blue highlighted the enormous amount of flab. It was shocking. WHY don't I see it every day? Have I developed selective sight or something? I looked dreadful. Awful - and fat and out of condition. Believe me, that's not false modesty. I don't want to order one single photograph with me in it. MY partner looked smart and handsome, my children (in their early twenties) looked gorgeous and friends and family looked relaxed and happy.
I'll remember the lovely day. It was a lovely day and I was happy during it. Get over it. Here. Read this fatty.
Just to add to my woes I stood on the scales this morning and my weight hasn't budged. It seems to go up and down a few pounds from day to day. Mid week I was elated to see a few more pounds gone. There was no reason (other than faulty scales!) for those pounds to reappear the next day. OK, so we retain water..have bodily fluctuations, but I am now living a deliberate life and I am becoming ultra-aware of what I am eating. I am trying to incorporate more movement into my days. I am wondering why I bother. I guess I am hoping for the day to arrive when I have my photograph taken and I am pleased with the result. I want to throw in the towel, but I won't. It all seems like such a hard slog though. Those photographs have a lot to answer for. I am really like that. There is no kidding myself, and I don't feel fired up to do something about it. I feel down and ready to drown in a sea of cakes.