Bugger! The Dark Side Rejected Me!

'The best laid plans of mice and men' and all that! I was all geared up to become a Weight Watcher this morning, but it didn't happen. I wasn't able to gain access to the Dark Side, which is held down at the local church hall, ironically. I arrived, bright, early and keen and entered the porch of the hall. There, beside the big, locked blue door was a notice - "Morning Meeting Cancelled. Members are reminded there will be a meeting here at 7.30pm. Thurs 1st July." I presume the meeting had been cancelled in advance and that other members knew about this, as there was no one about but me, and the man with his shears, attending to a grave in the church yard. It was all very peaceful. The sun shone, the birds twittered, the old weathered gravestones leaned at lazy angles and I was left wondering if my non-admittance was a sign that this wasn't a road I should take. Ah well. I'd had a walk up there and I'd have a walk back home. Exercise.

I have resisted joining organisations which 'show you the way' to lose weight. I know meetings offer encouragement and ideas and for some, that support is invaluable. It also helps people achieve weight loss, in that they are accountable and have to turn up every week, otherwise they waste their money. You really have to be keen to lose weight in earnest. I asked myself - is this where I differ from all those people who pay the fees and turn up at the church hall religiously, week after week? I want to lose weight, but I still imagine that there will be a magic bullet or a time when my whole life is dedicated to the project. It ain't going to happen unless I do the work and I focus on my goal. Now. Today. Every Day. Even my goals are rather vague. "I intend to be aware every day that I need to lose weight, that my BMI is very unhealthy and that I am doing this for me."

Hmmm. 'HOW am I doing it?' I asked myself. (These thoughts were in my head as I walked back down the long gravel drive from the church hall.)

A) Eat consciously, ensuring my diet is healthy and contains lots of fruit and veg.
B) Portion sizes have to be smaller - look at what you dish up for yourself and drink lots of glasses of cold water throughout the day to flush out my system and fill me up.
C) Cut down on bread, potatoes, pasta, rice and other carbs. Limit them, don't avoid them. Avoid too much stodge. Cakes are out, as are biscuits and ice cream. Sorry Grump. Have whole grain cereal for breakfast, and wholemeal bread in the house. (The kids have to eat, after all and both are allowed, in reasonable amounts.)
D) Try to ensure there are boiled eggs, cooked chicken, tinned fish, fresh fish, lean meats, nuts and cheese around for a protein boost. Hummus is my friend as is low fat cream cheese spread. Easy to snack on.
E) No more wine...or other alcohol. Only on special occasions. Cold, fizzy water is good.
F) Eat whenever I feel hungry. Try to recognise if it's real hunger or head hunger.
G) Ensure there are no foods in the house which I don't want in my 'diet'. No chocolate, cakes, puddings, crisps, or packets of potato snacks of any kind. Stock up on plain, low fat yogurt (which I love, with a drizzle of honey on it.)
H) Move your body..any way, any how, but avoid sitting still for long periods of time. (My downfall...)
I) Use the exercise bike now placed in front of the TV.
J) Use the home exercise equipment - the resistance bands, and portable rowing device first thing in the morning, before showering. If time doesn't allow, use it later, otherwise I have wasted my money.
K) Walk daily, even if it means walking just for the sake of it.
L) Dance when the mood takes me. Play music lots as a means to lifting the spirits and providing spontaneous bursts of jigging about. (Not a pretty sight...but needs must etc.)
M)If a craving won't go away, indulge it. Do not deny it and feel long-term frustration. Learn to love having just a taste of the food you crave. (Think I've cracked that one!)
N) No food is 'bad' or 'naughty'. If by chance I eat it, I am not to beat myself up to the extent that guilt makes me feel a failure. I carry on with this campaign no matter what happens. I carry on, starting anew, even if I have a bad moment, day or week.
O) When feelings are low, read something inspirational - a weight-loss blog or a piece on self-discipline.

As I thought about this I realised that giving foods numerical values, counting points, following a plan, having a daily limit and having to turn up to a meeting at the same time every week isn't really the way I intend to go forward. I have to try and turn my life around, forever, not just while I am paying fees and feel obliged to attend meetings where my weight can be recorded.

Now, if I have a week where I lose the way, and dislike myself for not focusing all the time, perhaps I will have to hand over some of my power to an organisation - something out there, like WW which will help me focus. The frustration of taking off a bit of weight only to put a bit back on or to merely maintain is demoralising. I have never been a particularly good personal task-master in that I refuse to get worked up about 'diets'. I am too laid back, perhaps not as disciplined in some areas as I could be. However, I am aware this is LIFE, my life...and if my life becomes TOO restricted by 'must do's then I rebel. I hate feeling trapped and obliged or compelled to behave in a certain way. It's a wierd little peccadillo of mine. I can do 'work', I can do 'good parent', I can do 'responsible family member', I can do 'sensible home owner', I can do 'meet commitments' and I can do 'dependable, responsible person'. No shirking at all in those respects. I lead a decent life and have no dreadful vices. I am an OK person.

Perhaps though I have to focus now on me a bit more? Perhaps all those other responsibilities have to run alongside the responsibility I have to take care of myself, so I can keep on being all those things above? I have to get a handle on this being important. This is something I MUST do...not something I may do, when I get my act together, someday.

Charles Haddon Spurgeon said ~ 'Must is a hard nut to crack, but it has a sweet kernel.'

I count...and perhaps I have pushed responsibility for myself to a high shelf somewhere...out of the way, out of sight. I don't want the lady with the scales at Weight Watchers to be the one to tell me I am doing well - or not. That responsibility has to be mine.

If I am not up to this job, that church hall isn't going anywhere. Those 'free meeting' vouchers of mine are still in my bag. I may become a fully paid up member of the Dark Side, who knows?

All I know is, another week begins...I have some more personal victories to claim, no matter how small. I hope anyone out there reading feels the same way. We MUST do it, whether it's with WW, a recognised diet plan, with a friend, with a gym and a personal trainer, with a skipping rope or on our own, because being overweight affects so many areas of our lives. We can't keep putting it off, and deep down we know that. Find a way forward. All progress counts, even if that progress is slow. We may falter, we may despair but we have to keep going, rejoicing perhaps in small victories. It all adds up. We MUST do it for ourselves. There is no 'perhaps' about it.