Do We Need Competition?

I have had a bit of a jolt over the last few days.  I have felt a stir of unease...and yes, jealousy if I am being honest. People have succeeded where I have so far failed..or at least been messing around, and I have felt uncomfortable about my efforts.

Here's my get-out clause before I tell you about it.: I tend to like people generally. I wish those I know well, always. When they are happy, I am happy.  In blog-land there are lots of people I don't 'know' but their efforts and successes really thrill me. When I read blogs and people are either doing really well, are full of purpose and determination, or successfully working their way through the slimming mire, I am delighted for them - truly pleased. In my head I am wishing them all the best or thinking "You can do this. I relate to what you are going through..."

I also find it really interesting to read their thoughts. It's impossible I think to have anything but good wishes for fellow bloggers who are trying to lose weight. We are all in this together. We may approach our problems from different angles, we may find different ways of succeeding, we may go at losing weight like a bull at a gate, or a snail in a garden full of greenery, (that one describes my efforts!) or somewhere in between, but our aim is the same. When a person is delighted because their body is shrinking, I am truly pleased for them. There is no envy...the success of others in blog-land is like a kick up the behind for me. I tell myself it IS possible to lose a lot of weight. It can be done.

So....why have I had my nose put out of joint recently?

Last week I called in to see a friend (an ex colleague) I haven't seen for a while - since March - and her daughter Angie made me a cup of tea whilst her mother ran out into the garden to take the dry clothes off the line as the heavens opened and the rain came down. She is 29 and an extremely bright and talented girl, friendly and outgoing, well qualified and holds down a good job, but in the almost twelve years I have known my friend, her daughter has always been extremely big. She was obese. Lardy. She waddled rather than walked and always seemed to have to catch her breath when speaking if she'd been moving for any length of time..and by that I mean movement around the house. (Sorry if that sounds cruel, but let's not pretend that isn't as it is.)

However..last week when I saw her it was VERY obvious that she had shed LOTS of pounds! WHAT A TRANSFORMATION! Angie is a pretty girl, but isn't it incredible how people really blossom when their fat suit shrinks? Her face wasn't puffy, she had just one chin and her lovely eyes weren't stuck in deep sockets under heavy lids any more. What was really noticeable was her shoulders. They weren't rounded any more. Her 'feck' (as she herself called it...her face/neck - just one body part!) had seperated. Her neck had grown! Her upper arms weren't massive and chunky, her back wasn't rounded, and her elbows were bony. She had a waist too! Now, she was by no means 'slim' (not yet!) but wow - she looked SO different, and so much more (it has to be said because it is the case) - attractive. Now I know the sisterhood isn't supposed to compare,...to believe that our fat makes us lesser people...but hold on. This very big young woman had lost a lot of weight and she did look amazing. She also looked, for the first time I'd known her, like a young woman..not someone past their prime.  She looked so much better for losing weight. I congratulated her on her efforts. Angie was thrilled that I was so surprised. I told her she looked good. She did....and WAIL....I didn't!!!!!!

All of a sudden, I was the fattest person in the room. THUD. Horrible realisation that someone has lost weight and I haven't...well, not much. No one is noticing my missing lbs. I began to feel a bit uncomfortable......or was I jealous?

'The surest route to breeding jealousy is to compare. Since jealousy comes from feeling less than another, comparisons only fan the fires.'
~ Dorothy Corkville Briggs

Ooooh. I secretly felt some shame. Just telling it like it is. If Angie can really succeed in shedding the pounds, why haven't I? OK, so comparisons are odious, but I secretly vowed to increase my efforts. Of course, a few days later and the shock factor/shame element fades, and I continued to bumble on in my own sweet way.

Shock number two. I rushed out of the house early this morning to catch a bus. I was chairing a meeting in town. Who should be at the bus stop when I got there but my neighbour and good friend Janet. She is the same age as me. We'd become firm friends when our children were little, (we've known each other for about 28 years!) and in that time Janet and I have attended slimming clubs (I was only a little overweight - Janet had a lot of weight to lose) and together we bemoaned our less than trim figures and generally put the world to rights. She has been a wonderful, reliable friend and neighbour and although we don't see much of each other these days now the children have grown and we aren't tied to the house as much, when we do get together on rare occasions, we always have a laugh and enjoy catching up with each others news. . Janet always used to say I had very little to lose..I worked then, she was at home all day. My rushing about kept me slim(ish). Janet used to lose weight and gain it back..and then as she returned to work we didn't see each other as we usually did but when we bumped into each other we'd catch up.. but I hadn't seen her for a while..we are like ships that pass in the night of late. When I last saw her I was having a moan about my big body. Women together can do that...and we remain nice people...we always tell each other how wonderful we are too, but there is no denying our fat bodies tended to be what we would change if we could. I have gained a lot of weight this decade..most of it in the last six years and in many ways it has been beyond my control, but I didn't do anything about it either, when I was able to.

Eeek! as I approached the bus stop I was aware that Janet had lost a lot of weight too! Just like Angie, Janet was looking GOOD! (Why do people look younger when they lose weight???) Now she didn't look awful before, but all of a sudden, she looked 'transformed' and there is no other word for it! She told me her doctor had advised her to lose weight. She'd had a knee operation and had been suffering with pains in both knees and ankles for years. Her extra weight didn't help, but she found it hard to keep it off once she lost it. Now...she was looking slimmer than I'd ever seen her! I congratulated her on her efforts and told her how good she looked. She said she felt years younger for losing 40+ pounds. Like Angie, she has done it alone. There have been no special foods or slimming clubs - just sheer hard work and determination, a sensible eating plan and more exercise has brought about their smaller, trimmer figures. Janet had more weight to lose but she was much smaller than when I'd last chatted with her. She'd coloured her hair and styled it differently and I was really impressed. She said she felt like a 'new woman' and I was so pleased for her. She is a great woman and a lovely person. She glowed...she DID look like a new woman. All I know is, being fat has affected my confidence. I'd like to say it hasn't, but it has. Janet was delighted with her weight loss.

She got off the bus before I did and I was again left to reflect on my lack of loss. OK, so at least I am losing weight, and as I said before, comparisons with other women serve no purpose, but I did feel secretly jealous that they looked good and I didn't, particularly. OH life is about more than having a slim, trim body. I know that. But life in a fat body can be difficult too, as we all know. Again I resolved to grab the bull by the horns, be strict with myself, up the exercise, lower the calories....but as I write now, hours later, the initial impact of another person, a friend losing weight, has deserted me.

This is my struggle. I have to do it for me, and if anything, I have to be inspired by the efforts of Angie and Janet - two women who were bigger than me who are now smaller than me. Ouch. It stings....and makes me feel that I am lacking in some way. I am not. I just haven't given it my all as they have. Simple. My problem. The solution rests with me, and I know that and have from the day I consciously began to eat mindfully with the intention of losing weight and shaping up.

I know losing weight isn't a race and I know we all have to do it in a way which suits us, at a pace which suits us, but I really have thought about setting myself a few goals. Well, perhaps tomorrow, because erm..my daughter called round and left a packet of chocolate chip and hazelnut cookies for us as they were on special offer at her local supermarket. Did I need one with my last cup of tea? No. Did I have one - or two or three of them? Yes.

And I wonder why others are succeeding whilst I am crawling along taking off weight and putting it back on. Hey ho....no need to call Sherlock Holmes.

Anyway...these things have been on my mind today. I'll say here and now that I caught the bus today so I could go to a large government office and chair a meeting. (I am an independent member of the committee. I volunteered for the role, was interviewed and elected.) I did that successfully, even though the agenda was packed and the gathering of members loud and unsettled. I brought order to the proceedings and drew the meeting to a close skillfully. I'd done my homework, knew what were the pertinent parts up for discussion and steered the group away from the time-wasting blind alleys some were keen to go down. I felt proud and was thanked by the head of the service and the secretary taking notes. Both complimented my handling of a difficult agenda. That made me feel good and reminded me that we have to look for all the things in our lives which make up what we are. Our fat padding is temporary and doesn't alter the person inside. I do know however that two formerly fat (and lovely) women are feeling a whole lot better about themselves after shedding weight - and that I am - I really am, happy for them. I might not be where they are now, but I can get there. I know that.  

I don't know if you identify with any of my thoughts - you may have a different way of looking at things, but I am aware a friend looking so much slimmer has the ability to unsettle me. I have recently seen two fat women shed pounds. All I can say is....blimey, their efforts were worth it! I am not competing. That would be silly, but perhaps my complacency has been shaken a little. My comfort zone is far too comfortable! :)

Does anything ever make you sit up and take notice, and then work harder in your efforts to lose weight?

Things are as they are. Looking out into it the universe at night, we make no comparisons between right and wrong stars, nor between well and badly arranged constellations.  ~ Alan Watts