I went into yesterday evening in a very growly mood. I was angry with myself. I didn't want to think about food any more. I didn't want to think about fat me any more. I just wanted to be.
Sod 'dieting'. Sod healthy eating. Grrr. Earlier, I'd made a pasta dish for dinner - fresh pasta with bell peppers, sun dried tomatoes, mushrooms, mozzarella and a tomato, garlic and onion sauce. I grilled a few rashers of bacon and crumbled it over and I made wholemeal garlic bread for us too..(with light spread, lots and lots of fresh garlic and black pepper.) I was in the mood for carbs, and lots of 'em! I also opened a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and had a glass of wine. I have to say it. That was a FANTASTIC meal. Yummy.
Of course it was massively calorific too...but *shrug* I was being self-indulgent.
It's after the self-indulgence, the blow-out, that the guilty feelings creep in. I don't want to feel guilty after eating. It makes me angry that I do! Now, I have said all along that I can't be doing with the head-fucks that eating food causes, the guilt I feel when I over-do things, or when I just don't care. Last weekend and last night I just didn't care.
However, the anger doesn't come from food..and there were lots of healthy items in my pasta dish last night. It was nutritious but I had too much. I could have tweaked that dish and had a small portion, less pasta, more veg, less garlic bread and no wine. I could have saved myself at least 500 calories if I'd been sensible. I have weight to lose after all! It was almost 'defiant' eating again last night. Have you ever had the "I am having this, no one is going to stop me and I'll jolly well enjoy it!' voice urging you on to eating recklessly?
ironically, it only happens to me when I am consciously trying to cut back and make sensible choices! It's like I deliberately screw myself up!
Wow. For me, such episodes are always followed by a crashing low mood and I regret being so stupid...or rather, not treating myself well. Sound familiar?
The anger I feel comes from my own lack of self-control - my stupid, destructive impulses.
I obviously do eat impulsively, and because I know I have to lose weight I have to curb those impulses and make sensible choices. I do allow myself treats. That was always part of the bargain, but they were going to be occasional treats and I'd have small portions of them. I can do that...apart from the times when I hate the whole business of HAVING to lose weight. I want to be fat and happy, but I am not. My fat life is a good life, I am blessed in so many ways, but deep down inside I am now fighting battles in my head about food and eating, and I don't want to live like this. No way.
It's not healthy.
Before I went to bed last night I flicked through a few articles I'd saved about food, eating sensibly, losing weight etc, and they were all extremely encouraging and eminently sensible. I felt renewed. I forgave myself for having a big meal, but I didn't chastise myself for enjoying it.
Food is meant to be enjoyed, isn't it? I wasn't doing 'fast food', although my weekends eating wasn't wonderful either. I have brakes. I just don't apply them when I should. I can do healthy eating for the most part too. I have always cooked wholesome, high-fibre meals for my children...(over the last 27 years!) and kept an eye on saturated fat and sugars. They remain slim and active. We tend to eat quite healthily at home - I have no problem with healthy eating, but see how I can make a decent meal into a blow-out one when the mood takes me? It's all the unnecessary extras which add up..and I am not burning them off very well either. I need to do more exercise, for sure.
Anyway..before I fell asleep I thought about my ailments. I have several body parts which dont work well and my auto-immune system is shot to pieces. I have an under-active thyroid, pernicous anaemia - I have Vit B12 injections regularly- and iron deficiency if I don't top up my levels regularly. I also have chronic complaints as a result of a botched operation in 2006 and the operations I had afterwards to repair the damage! I take pain-killers regularly...and a whole concoction of prescription drugs every day, and I suppose they make me a bit sluggish, but I do fight 'being ill'. I don't make a good patient. I really fear being immobilised and that should be reason enough for me to lose weight.
I don't let it get me down, but I do frequently tell myself that I ought to look after myself better. As you age your body DOES slow down. I have noticed this because after being a podgy teenager I became slim - not because I dieted, but because I had an extremely active life in my 20s, 30s and 40s. I never ever thought about what I ate. I seemed to burn everything off because I was so busy.
I slowed down and gradually became fat over the last ten years or so, and I suppose ill health and lack of movement contributed, but I sort of went into that valley of vague depression that often comes with bad times, quite willingly. The flesh was willing (or at least able!) but the spirit was weak in my case. I declined quite rapidly. My darling Mum died in 2001 and I really let myself go after that...and became sick too, so the last decade has been a foul one for me, apart from meeting a lovely man, now my fiance - just before getting really sick! (Poor bloke. He should have run for the hills then!) However, we can bounce back. Bad times tend not to last forever, but if we get into bad habits they become very hard to break.
All I can say is - if we don't look after ourselves, who else will? We have to take responsibility for our actions.
Strangely enough, when I turned on my computer this morning I checked other blogs on my list and Sean over at http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/ wrote exactly what I have been thinking about. Go and have a read. The Daily Dairy of a Winning Loser. Highly recommended. Sean clarified my dilemma. He reminded me that food isn't the enemy. My lack of commitment, my regaining the weight I have lost, over and over again, is down to me and not the foods in front of me. I don't 'use' food properly. I become angry that food tempts me and I 'can't have it', but what I haven't really worked on properly is my self-control or my emotions. Food is all around us, and to be enjoyed, but we have to have a strategy when we face it. We have to work on ourselves.
Anyway, I have written too much (again!) but I really wanted to say thank you to Sean, and to so many more bloggers too. There are so many of you out there in blog land who might not know it - but you do help me. You make me think, you make me see sense and you often inspire me. I don't always comment, but when I read your blogs I feel we are all in this together. My problems aren't unique. You motivate me, but most of all I want to thank you for helping me keep going.
It's a new day. One day at a time eh?
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”