Feeling Despondent.

Having read around blog-land a bit, and in particular the blog-land of those concerned with weight-loss, it would seem that I am not doing this very well. According to others I am not only a 'fat-hater' but I am 'full of self-loathing' too :(

I wasn't aware I was those things, but some people reading my words endow me with those attributes. I am shocked, I have to tell you.

I had to take a step back. Not only did I feel hurt and misunderstood, I felt slightly bewildered too.

I have said (as have thousands of people writing about their fat bodies) that I don't like the way I look. Did you like looking at your reflection or at photographs of yourself when you were at your fattest? No? Well, no surprise there. Does that mean that you are full of self-loathing and can't pick up on all that is wonderful about you too?

I also was shocked by photographs of me looking fat and lumpy. I do not like the way I look right now, nor do I like the impact my weight is having on the chronic medical conditions I have either. That's why I am trying to lose weight. Common sense dictates that it's the sensible way forward. Societal pressure and the advent of the size zero model have absolutely nothing to do with that decision. At my age (mid fifties) there is no way I intend to emulate stick-thin women, nor would I want to if I were younger.

I abhor the whole 'diet industry' (yet I am a 'fat-hater' according to some) and the rise and rise of the 'perfect woman' as depicted by those who believe realistic and informative journalism is giving us photograph after photograph of rich, wealthy and slim women with handbags which cost hundreds of pounds. Go away. Bugger right off. Vomit-inducing. Not interested.

I just want to be a healthy size, a healthy weight and to feel better about myself.

Oh...any of you out there had your confidence knocked tremendously because of your fatness?

Any of you feeling self-conscious of your rolls of fat?

Any of you made miserable by your fat shapes?

Any of you ever become slightly reclusive and less out-going because of your weight?

I'll hold my hand up. I have read such things time and time again...hundreds of times. We are all full of self-loathing apparently. I'd say we have taken stock and worked out that being overweight isn't a particularly desireable state...for a myriad of reasons. Bright people aware of all the subliminal messages, the psychological impact of the repulsive "thin is better" world in which we live can also state quite categorically that being a big person is doing them no favours.

I've also read so many stories about people who have grown fat...for all sorts of reasons...(medication included, and I know about that myself) who don't want to be fat any more. Many say they aren't fully living their lives because they are an unhealthy weight. I'll count myself in to that group too.

I sit here and look down at my belly, sitting on my thighs as I type. Because I want to rid myself of it and tell you about it I am 'full of self-loathing.' I don't like the fat look on myself, therefore I am a fat-hater? Let me tell you now..it's not pretty. Because I am honest, I am a fat-hater? I just don't get it. I am being analysed beyond belief by some methinks.

Because I respond well to messages informing me that I need to buck my ideas up, to get off my arse and move a bit more I am a fat-hater and subscribe to societal pressure where skinny is what it's all about???? Do me a favour! This laid-back woman might have been a tree-hanging sloth in another life, let me tell you! I know all about making life comfortable for myself. My comfort zones are very comfortable....and I struggle to lose weight because of them. This makes me full of self-loathing and a fat-hater?

Don't insult me.

Me being me - I can be no one else after all - find wake-up call stories quite interesting and motivating. I can relate to them! The huge knickers hanging on the line, the jeans straining at the seams, the young girl dressing in black from head to toe because she is not as thin as her out-going girl-friends who are dressed to kill. They all strike a chord with me. Painful images. I am not going to analyse all that stuff and say I've been brain-washed by thin-world pressure to conform. Way back in the 1970s when size wasn't such a pre-occupation I was the girl who was chubbier than her friends....We are aware. I know all about comparisons (odious) and feeling insecure.

Go back to the beginning of my blogging and I tell you about one intelligent woman in California who kick-started this campaign of mine to lose weight. She is now dead. Her weight and the illnesses associated with being huge killed her. Her message..one which went through me like a knife at the time was - "Just do it!"

She said that if she only had eighty, one hundred or even two hundred pounds to lose she'd be out there every day fighting weight gain...with all her might, with all her heart, with all her being. It was too late for her. Her weight gain - for whatever reason - had been steady and she didn't stop it in it's tracks.

I can't speak for her, but I know my fatness worries me and depresses me. I count my blessings. I am more than a number on the scale after all. I am not thrilled that my weight has gone up and up and up. Who is??? I can stuff my face as a way of ignoring the problem and soothing myself. The more we eat, the more we want, the more attractive food becomes. We lose sight of what we are doing to ourselves because our major passion has become the desire to eat foods which are handy, pre-prepared and sold at junk-food outlets.  Food is the drug of choice and like addicts we use it to calm ourselves and to make our world right for the few minutes or so that we indulge. It's a vicious circle. The more we eat the fatter we become. The fatter we become, the less we like ourselves and minor depression regarding our bodies grows and grows as our feelings of self-worth diminish. This problem isn't just about eating, but I suspect we all know that?

We know the theory. Every fuckin' one of us knows the theory or is aware of the patterns which impact on our lives. We lack the strength (for all sorts of reasons) to halt the decline so we eat another doughnut. If a doughnut had arms and legs and a voice it would cradle us gently and tell us everything was alright and that we really did have the strength to turn things around..that there were alternative paths to take. It would stroke our hair, rock us, and tell us what great people we were, despite our rolls of fat.

When we scoff that doughnut (and all the greasy, sugary, fattening foods that follow) we aren't talking to ourselves like that. I became fat and unhappy and I can only speak for myself - but from reading lots of blogs I KNOW there are lots and lots of people out there who are fat and that their fatness affects them.

Being overweight impacts on our lives in all sorts of ways. Now - does saying that make me sound like a woman full of self-loathing or a woman who is aware of what her fatness is doing to her? Does that sound like a person who is a fat-hater - thinking that being fat is a crime against our sensibilities - that fat is ugly and has no place in our world? I certainly hope not.

Being overweight IS affecting me....in many, many ways, some physical, some mental, despite all my talents, despite the wonderful people in my life and despite the brain of mine which abhors the 'being skinny is the only way to be' message which hits us time and time again where ever we are. I laugh, I contribute, I take part...I have problems, I have worries. That's life. I'll be the same me this weight or a smaller weight, and life will carry on, but my heart won't have to take so much strain, my blood pressure will return to normal, physical activity won't be as difficult and I won't want to hide behind other people when I have my photo taken. Where is the downside people?

My world will improve. Some problems won't vanish, many new ones will appear, but being mentally and physically stronger I know I'll cope with them better and won't want to resort to cakes because of them. That's the place I want to get to...and as I write this I hear that (huge) lovely, bed-ridden lady who is now longer with us, urging me to make it happen..telling me I CAN make it happen and that I SHOULD make it happen...not in the future, but NOW.

I want to look better. I want to feel better. End of.

I may be blunt, I may not be the sweeet, encouraging woman people want me to be, I may not be the cheer-leader full of positivity and sweet messages of hope but if my style indicates that I am full of self-loathing and that I am a fat-hater, then all I can say is - you just don't know me at all.

Self-deprecating humour is also a feature of my writing. I am often droll...and hopefully those who read me pick up on that. I laugh lots. Generally I am happy, but I want to be thinner and fitter....no happier, but proud of myself that I've tackled a problem which is worrying me, making me less than I can be. This is a personal reflection.

I was despondent when I started writing this post - I was going to stop writing - or even make my blog an 'invitation only' one, but now I feel more than a little angry that others have taken it upon themselves to label me in such a derogatory manner. Is it supposed to be constructive criticism?

I'll carry on being Fat Grump...and if you feel the messages I am sending out don't help you or other overweight people, then please feel free to ignore my blog. I remain exceedingly grateful for the feedback and encouragement I get in response to my witterings.

Have a good day folks. I intend to :)