I so admire that strength. I admire it because I think I lack it.
I have been thinking...is it doing me good to read the blogs of others who are every bit as fallible as I am, yet they set goals and just know that they'll reach them?
Am I gaining strength and determination when I read about strong people who succeed or am I depressing myself because I can't emulate them?
They have a determination and a spirit I fail to muster and some times, I can feel rather deflated because I know I can give up on myself too easily and excuse it away. I could say I don't care, but I obviously do, or I wouldn't be writing this.
Oh..I lost another two pounds by the way - over the last - I dunno...few weeks? See, she says sarcastically, there's an example of how tightly executed this weight-loss campaign of mine is.
So, I have lost weight and that is good, but it's also a bit of a miracle too, given the poor food choices I have made this weekend. It's been a bad few days eating wise. I suspect that if I'd bothered to weigh myself sometime last week I'd have been pleasantly surprised by a significant loss..(That is the only way I can explain the loss of two pounds this morning....I'd lost a bit more last week and regained it by over-eating this weekend.)
Oh it's been a bad weekend. It's been a thoroughly enjoyable weekend in terms of socialising, but from my point of view it's been 'bad'...and that's because I defiantly and knowingly pigged out. No excuses. I just didn't exercise any control...or, come to that, do any exercise apart from walking around the shops.
Sheesh. One small step forward, five gigantic steps backwards. I don't want sympathy...I need to be allowed to beat myself up here, because I DO know the theory, and as the Anti-Jared said in a recent post, what is the point of knowing what you must do, if you don't bother doing it?
So true. I am hoping for that old magic wand, that silver bullet, that amazing weight-loss pill or pathetically hoping that my blubber will some how melt away overnight without any effort from me.
Looks like I can continue having good times, and go for the old "eat, drink and be merry" lifestyle and continue to mither and whine about my fatness...or I can just grab the bull by the horns and muster up some determination.
The positives I take from this are "Hey...you are two pounds down! That's a reason to be cheerful!" I could also say "You had a great weekend...and ate loads of your favourite foods, drank some incredibly good wine and met up with good friends! Lucky you!" There is no denying that we did lots, ate lots, laughed lots..it was good.
However..my weight clings to me stubbornly. I am older. My metabolism is shot to pieces. I cannot KEEP taking my foot off the pedal. What is the point of losing a small amount only to put it back on again the following weekend in hedonistic splurges? Why on earth do I do it knowingly too? It's complete self-sabotage, and it has to stop.
I just want to find that drive...the drive and determination that doesn't desert me when I am faced with socialising, eating out, and having friends round. It's my problem...and one I have to solve or otherwise suffer the consequences of my behaviour and the choices I make. If I am the captain of my own ship, I seem to be deliberately steering it on to the rocks to see what happens, whilst laughingly telling others "Oh it can be mended at the boat-yard if it doesn't sink..." How mad is that?
I need a kick up the arse. Oh if only I were double-jointed. I'd be doing it to myself right now.
I hope you've all been a bit more determined than I have these last few days. That wouldn't be at all hard!
Anyway. Recriminations over. It serves no purpose unless I decide to get my act together. THAT is my food for thought right now.