I am not sure what to call this post. All I know is, when life comes along and pushes me over, I never want to eat. Worries consume me and I pick at food. Meals hold no joy for me. (Oh don't get me wrong. When I am bored or just feeling discontented or 'bleugh' I keep going into the kitchen looking for food. I can eat then to relieve my boredom.)
Food. It's a bugger, isn't it? We need it. We have to get our nutrients from somewhere, so in a sense, it's our fuel. A starving person - one without the 'fuel' which is readily available to us - isn't likely to be rushing around or agitated. Sigh. When I write things like that I immediately have the mental pictures of men, women and children who are bags of bones, with such sad, blank expressions on their faces - looks of hopelessness. All they can do is look without interest or curiosity at the prying cameras filming them, and I am fighting back the tears now.
It seems so selfish and self-obsessed to be writing about my conflict with food, my greed, my fatness when food isn't available to so many people. All they can do is sit and wait for compassion, for aid, when really, I am sure they'd rather be farming, producing their own foods and living in a world which is fair, where they can barter for the things they need...where medical intervention is readily available.
My own son has been in hospital this week and it was painful for me knowing he was sick. He was taken back in on Friday night and given huge doses of antibiotics and put on drips so that he wouldn't dehydrate. A fan was placed by his bed to cool him down and he was given medication to get his temperature down.
How it cuts me up when my children suffer in any way. The parent trap is always there isn't it? Kids worry about their elderly parents too. Parents worry about their children until their dying day, I am sure. How much harder must it be for those parents sitting on the parched earth, and waiting for aid, cradling their starving children and watching them slowly lose their fight for life? Those children have no parental guidance or love...just existence and the people around them who produced them, slowly fading, withering away. Life holds no joy for anyone. They haven't the energy to wail or cry out about the unfairness of it all...they can only wait and accept the inevitable.
It's an unfair world and I know individuals cannot shoulder all the ills of it or take on the global guilt, but occasionally we do need a jolt of reality to help put things into perspective.
Yesterday I walked the few miles to the hospital. I have no car right now and don't like waiting for buses so it became my exercise for the day. (Every cloud has a silver lining.) At least I didn't have to walk to the well for clean, drinkable water. I brought my son fresh clothes, a toilet bag, a magazine, some grapes, some bananas and a bottle of orange juice. In hospital he was well fed and well looked after. I could leave knowing he was in a good place. My man took me out for dinner later on and all I could do was play with the food on my plate. My mind was elsewhere, wishing I could mend my son. I didn't want wine - fizzy water was all I needed to quench my real thirst. Things were turning over in my head. I thought in the grand scheme of things, my trying to lose weight wasn't exactly a major event. It really didn't deserve to preoccupy me as it has been doing. It's no big deal really. I either lose it or live with it...and I have a choice.
In many ways, I ought to rejoice that I have fat on my body..that the fat I carry can be lost, broken down, used up. I have eyes to see, ears to hear and a body which works - although it's not 100% good in terms of chronic complaints which need medication. It all works. I also have a good working brain. I have shelter, clean water and a supermarket down the road selling all the foods I need. My doctor's surgery is half an hours walk in the other direction. I am typing this in the comfort of my own home. I have a computer and can access places far away in the world. I can communicate with fat people globally and we can tell each other how we struggle. I can gain inspiration from people who have lost weight. We may have enormous bodies...(or ones bigger than we'd like to have) but our problems, when put into perspective are usually far from enormous.
My son came home at lunchtime today. I walked down to the hospital with my other son to collect him and we took a taxi home. (Apparently the risk of catching the MRSA bug is always a concern of late so turnover of patients is quite fast.) He is home and I can nurse him here. He'll mend.
So today I am saying - forget your fat. Stop obsessing about your weight, your shape, your food, your exercise routine. It doesn't really matter. Just do it..or don't do it. Go through the motions or choose not to, but don't make it a bigger deal than it really is.
I have said it before, and I'll say it again. We are bloody lucky if one of our major hang-ups is our shape...if we have grown big because we have eaten too much and lounged around too much.
Charles Dickens above wisely stated that we've all had misfortunes. It's part and parcel of living. Some have easier lives than others. Some will continue to struggle, some will overcome problems. Times change, life goes on - or it ends. In blogging my main preoccupation is finding the motivation to be true to the cause...and the cause in this case is losing weight. How silly is it that a reading on the scale can make me miserable? Really. Does it matter THAT much?
I tend not to think too much about the health of my boys...counting every day in which they are well and have gone about their business as good days. There are more good ones than bad ones. They really are my big worries...(show me a mother who doesn't worry) and when days are good, worry is a wasted emotion. It solves nothing and doesn't change the situation. I consciously refuse to worry.
Perhaps that's why in my blogging I seem a bit blasé about the whole 'losing weight' deal. I am not sure how much it matters to me. Having said that, I know it's a health issue, and being responsible for my well-being is what keeps me going.
I am sure we all have our problems...and some of you may be suffering in a big way. I wish you well and hope you find peace soon. Life can be cruel. However, if today is just another day and there is nothing pressing on your mind to cause you to fret and worry, count your blessings and enjoy your day. Do something with it.
I count my blessings...and when I do I gain some perspective. There is lots wrong in my life, but heck of a lot which is right, and on the whole, my problems are minor ones, or at least ones I can live with. I can also lose my fat and change my shape should I choose to. I am blessed to have that option really.
Have a good day folks. Look for all the good in your life. Live for the day. It really does help.