Do you have it, that overwhelming urge to.....

scoff just anything? And scoff and scoff and not really care?

That's what I want to do. I want to eat and eat and not care what I am eating. I feel I need a binge!

Today I have consumed 1133 calories. (I did an online calorie count out of interest really. I just couldn't count calories every single day.) Sadly, those 1133 calories have been made up of just two things...a left-over ham and mustard sandwich for breakfast, and for lunch at approximately 2pm, half a stick of French bread (slightly stale) again left over from yesterday..slathered with low fat spread and a creamy soft blue cheese. This is one of those "I can't be bothered to prepare healthy foods' days. Add two mugs of tea (made with a dash of semi-skimmed milk) and that's been my intake so far. How pathetic.

AND what the fuck am I doing with soft blue cheese in the house when I don't really like cheese much anyway???? OK I bought a small wedge of Cambazola because I liked it so much when we had a bit for lunch in Spain last week...with cold meats, salads, wine and fruit...a typical Mediterranean lunch outdoors. You cannot create that atmosphere back home in Blighty...(it's colder today and not sunny as I write.) I mean...stale(ish) bread...half a long French stick....(way too much!) and very fatty cheese...just because? What is that all about? Have I gone mad?

I am beating myself up....but I can still stay within a sort of 1600-ish calories allowance as I am going to my man's place tonight and he is cooking me my favourite dinner...grilled salmon with chili sauce glaze, served with sauteed onions, peppers and peas..on rice. I shan't have much rice and I'll drink water.

Some days I just don't want to be weight-watching. Do you have those days too? Just let me be fat and leave me alone. I am sick of thinking about what I should eat.

Yesterday I found a (crushed) box of chocolate sea-shells..lovely Belgian chocolate with hazelnut praline..I had shoved them in a plastic bag with left over cards and pushed it under the bed ( my preferred sort of tidying up some days) in the guest room when I was doing Christmas present wrapping last December. The bag had obviously been taken out and trodden on at some point. (Could have been on one of those rare occasions when I actually clean under beds...) Now, fortunately, the cardboard box and the contents had been crushed, but the box was sealed in cellophane, which obviously kept the chocolates fresh. You know - I opened that box like a thing possessed. Do you remember me telling you I don't really like cheese or chocolate much? It's true...but when you are weight-watching those things seem so desirable - they possess magical-lure-you-to-them properties. I haven't bought chocolate for AGES, or cake, or biscuits. They are not on my shopping list. However...that crushed box of chocolate sea-shells smelt divine! The slight hint of hazelnut (I like nuts) was enticing.

Yup....I scoffed a third of the box...loving every one. Now, two thirds of the contents still remain. I am sorely tempted to go and eat half of them. I have shown SOME control in not polishing off the lot (I couldn't. I'd throw up. Chocolate is quite sickly-sweet I think) However, wouldn't I have shown a LOT of control if I'd thrown the box into the bin and left it there? I suspect that just knowing chocolate is in the bin would have me going there and salvaging it at some point. I could have thrown tea leaves and food scrapings all over the chocolates. Throwing them away alas, has not been one of my 'What shall I do with them?' options. I should have thrown away the stale bread, the creamy blue cheese (It just wasn't as nice as it was on holiday) and the crushed box of chocolates, but I didn't. It seemed such a waste.

I hate wasting good food..I think it's sinful almost. Must be something to do with the age I was brought up in. My mother used up left-overs to feed the family, with a sort of 'waste not, want not' philosophy. I mean, you can't donate a tatty, crushed box of chocolates to a friend, can you? I wasn't going to allow my boys to have them. I want them to eat well. I want to eat well too, but does there come a point when all the foods which used to tempt you no longer have any power over you? Does that happen? It has for me with certain foods. I no longer even think about them. The weird thing is - chocolate didn't used to tempt me. Ever. It's too sweet and sickly and gave me migraines. It's only since I have consciously tried to think about what I am eating (to eat mindfully?) that it's gained a sort of desirability! Before blogging it had no real charms. Because chocolate items are a complete no-no when I shop, I have discovered a longing for it - even though it still gives me headaches. (The migraines are a thing of the past thankfully!)

Even though I have been writing I still have the urge to eat. I am having a day when I just want to give in, pig out and eat all before me, and I can't seem to distract myself. I suspect that if my earlier meals had more nutritional value I'd be feeling satisfied now. I am telling myself that I ought to go and eat a crisp, crunchy apple, and that would leave my mouth feeling sweet and clean. That can stave off food longings. So can cleaning your teeth apparently. So can a big glass of cold water. In my head I am scorning those ideas....."Give me gungy, fattening, BAD food, and lots of it!" my brain screams. I am fighting it. I know the theory. I just need the strength every single day to apply it.

Oh...breaking news. Despite my holiday eating (and drinking) and despite the lovely wedding on Monday and despite my chocolate and cheese-eating aberrations today, I have lost weight. Wow. I have just weighed myself. I think it was because I almost killed myself cleaning the house from top to bottom at the weekend, when temperatures in the UK peaked those in usually hotter climes...like Spain. It was sizzling hot with no breeze and I was indoors doing housework. It was good exercise. The sweat dripped from my brow, I can tell you! I was purple in the face. What a lovely image that is....

Anyway. I am a bit slimmer now. Hooray! I am thinking of a way to dispose of those chocolates. They have to go. "They have to be DESTROYED James Bond..." The chocolates must die. I shall go and make myself a cup of tea whilst I morph into Ruthless Chocolate Assassinator mode