Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Summer Time, And The Livin' Ain't Easy.....

Feeling down and I shouldn't be. I just don't like myself much really, at least not today. I have so much to do before we fly off to Marbella on Thursday, (volcanic ash permitting - more flights have been cancelled today)  and I SHOULD be excited to spend time in a really lovely villa, with a big deep pool, surrounded by sub-tropical gardens with my man's sister and her husband, but I'm not. I cannot work up any enthusiasm, and I hate myself even more for being a miserable old cow. How good is it to get a holiday in the sun FFS! Cheer up!

MY feet need sorting out..hard skin removing, heels moisturised, toenails trimmed and painted.etc. My hair needs an ashy blonde rinse to hide the grey showing through. Have I done it? Nope. Have I dug out my skimpy summer clothes and ironed them? No.Toiletries sorted and packed? No. I have approximately 48 hours before we take off for the airport and I feel NO enthusiasm. Why? I even (boldly and bravely) bought myself a new swimming costume for this jaunt. Now, all I feel is a sense of dread. I'd be happier wallowing at home I think.

I bet every overweight person knows why I am not filled with enthusiasm. There are two reasons. One: It's the baring of the flesh. It's the wearing of clothes which reveal the rolls of fat, the blubber...the mottled legs, the cellulite-ridden thighs...the flabby upper arms, the puffy ankles. Winter clothes are my friends - big, baggy and covering the bod well. Reason number two : Not only am I out of shape and out of sorts but our companions for the week, my man's sister and her husband are sleek, slim, well groomed people. Man's sister isn't aware she is doing it, but she DOES run her eyes up and down people in her company. She has a good look. It all comes effortlessly to them. I feel inferior. (I know, it's stupid.) They are well paid professionals too...(he is a lawyer) and I am early-retired, and having to count every single penny I spend. I hate feeling like the poor relation. Why does this huge inferiority complex emerge when I KNOW I have lots going for me if only I could be bothered to think about all the ways in which my life is perfectly good?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

~Eleanor Roosevelt

How true. I am thinking myself down and I find it SO easy to do. I think our confidence vanishes as our waistlines expand.

My man is paying for my flights and he'll buy meals and drinks etc when we are out there. I can't afford holidays any more, and that doesn't rest easy with me either. I am VERY proud, and since divorce (and even during marriage) I have always worked, been independent, providing for myself, paying my own way etc. I was able to do that until recently, when I was working, and my man and I always went 50-50 with expenses. I insisted we did. My man tells me it doesn't matter, he wouldn't go if I didn't accompany him etc, but it does matter to me. Pride is a stupid emotion, but I find it hard to shrug off. I find it hard to rely or depend on others...I just like to feel 'equal' - in all respects. And retain my independence too. Does that make sense?

Anyway, this fat woman is going out to the sun, to a lovely, quiet and pretty part of Spain yet can't work up any enthusiasm. Sigh. I don't want to seem ungrateful. I know it's a lovely treat but the fatness, the sleek company, the lack of money, the lack of feeling good about myself, all stand in the way of my becoming excited about having a lovely holiday. Oh another thing. MY man's sister has informed him that one night we are driving up to the mountains, to a lovely hotel ('very elegant' apparently) to have a meal with their wealthy ex-pat friends - both lawyers - who live in Spain. (I met them once - they are extremely wealthy, confident and a bit jet-setting) and knowing that has worried me. Very elegant? I can't remember the last time this dumpy middle aged woman looked elegant. Nothing I wear looks 'elegant' on me. I'll resort to wearing black again I expect. Why do I compare myself unfavourably with other people? Do most fat people do this secretly? (Oh, all these worries are internalised, never expressed, even to my man. I am grateful I can share them with you here. I hope someone understands 'where I am coming from', to coin a phrase. )

Being overweight really can bring us down, can't it? I dithered about starting a PROPER healthy lifestyle. (No reason why - perhaps I felt I couldn't do it? Perhaps, like so many of us, I have become used to hiding behind my fat shield and I have become comfortable there?) OK, so I started the healthy eating /move-more campaign (eventually!) and so far I have been reasonably successful, (I lost 2lbs this week) but that initial elation seems to have worn off. I want to lose six stones overnight. Where is that magic pill? I have so much to be grateful for, but why am I not happy? Why can't I feel enthusiastic about this holiday? I am a cheery person by nature and despite my blog title, not miserable or grumpy. I am a realist though. I long ago gave up sugar-coating life's trials and tribulations. I was able...I AM able... however to look for chinks of light in most dark situations, and as mentioned in a previous post, I am a fighter.

I think it's hit me that the whole 'becoming a different shape' business is a hard slog. Some of the struggles will remain despite my shedding pounds. It's a long journey too..and I am wondering if I am worth that effort? Am I able to keep fighting for a slim body? Will I eat healthily on holiday or will I go with the flow and eat everything that's served up, and drink wine with the rest of them? Dare I cause a fuss and play with my food, refuse the wine? Oh decisions, decisions. I remain the same me internally, and my problems remain the same no matter what my shape, no matter what the number on the scale reads. Life has thrown so many boulders in my path - over many, may years. Many of the rocks hit me too and felled me temporarily, and I won't bore you with the details, but sometimes I get sick of the 'picking myself up, healing myself, dusting myself down and faking it till I make it' process. I have done it again and again and again. I expect many of us have, but it does wear us down. I think I am looking for a quiet, easy life now, and weight-loss is yet another struggle on the road. I tell myself I am worth it - and I am - but I have never been very good at looking after my own needs.

I want nice feet, I want nice hands, I want nice hair for this holiday, and it is within my power to ensure those parts of me ARE nice before we fly out. I can't remove the tyres round my middle, or the padding/shelf on my arse or my extra chin, but I do scrub up well when I make the effort. It's making the effort that's getting me down. Anyone else have these times?

Ah. This too shall pass...this apathy, this procrastination. The holiday is booked, people are expecting us and I need to buck my ideas up. I am sure I'll have a good time once I am there. My apathetic mood had better pass quickly because I only have today and tomorrow to do EVERYTHING before we take off for the airport!! Grrrr.

I hate this bloody song.... (*laughs*)
"Oh this year i'm off to Sunny Spain, Y Viva Espana!

I'm taking the Costa Brava 'plane. Y Viva Espana!
If you'd like to chat a matador, in some cool cabana
And meet senoritas by the score, Espana por favor!
Quite by chance to hot romance I found the answer

Flamenco dancers are by far the finest bet.
There was one who whispered 'oh hasta la vista'
Each time I kissed him behind the castanet (*snort*)
He rattled his maracas close to me  (ooooer!)
In no time I was trembling at the knee

When they first arrive the girls are pink and pasty (Yeah right. Pink FAT and pasty.)
But oh so tasty as soon as they go brown (I wish...reddish and plump. Not a good look.)
I guess they know every fellow will be queuing (Ha ha ha ha! Yeah.)

to do the wooing his girlfriend won't allow.
But every dog must have his lucky day

That's why I've learnt the way to shout 'ole!'

Ole! :)  Hey - sorry for this moany post, and thanks for 'listening' to me un-load here and share my worries with anyone out there reading. I think I have cheered myself up :) Let me at my toenails!


  1. Yeah, I know it can be seriously hard when you find yourself head to head with the 'beautiful people', particularly when they are in a very different financial situation to your own. Been there too and know what you're feeling. But... you have NOTHING to feel inferior about and EVERYTHING to feel proud about.

    You've lived through life's 'rocks and boulders' and survived the bar-stewards to wear their blasted tee-shirts! OK, you're tired of the fights and struggles, but you've done that and won so my guess is that you'll beat anything.

    You may not have painted your toenails (yet) but do pink toes make you a better person? Don't stress yourself about the lotus-eating lawyers - they're only people so probably have their own worries and insecurities, no matter what they project.

    Have a good time (no, a GREAT time) and pamper yourself and your man. You deserve it!

  2. Awww, Deniz, I REALLY needed to hear that. Thank you.
    Despite a successful career I have never been very good at blowing my own trumpet. Like you say, I have nothing to fear really. Except my reflection - lol!

    Confidence Grumpy, confidence. I WILL have a good time, but I hope I don't have to anaesthesise myself on vino to do it!:)

  3. I am glad to finally find an honest blogger. SUre everybody gets all cheery when they have lost 40, 50, 60, or even 70 lbs. But what about us??? The ones that have tried and tried, only to get on the scale and find we still weigh 230,240 or even 253, like I did this morning.
    I am fatter of late tooand I HATE it...but I am too lazy or tired or discouraged or something to try very hard to lose it.
    If I don't do something soon, I will be going to work naked, because when you gain 20 plus lbs.....NOTHING fits right anymore.
    I am 49 and I have been grumpy for about a year...must be hormones or something.

    Glad I find you!

  4. I happened to see a photo on the internet today of the Queen welcoming the new PM, whatever his name is, sorry, I am American.

    She is no waif but always looks classy and well groomed. I thought as I saw the picture, what an truly elegant woman.

    I know she has just a little more money than the rest of us ;) but I point her out to you as someone who is indeed old, and not skinny, and yet is truly high class and beautiful.

    Moral of the story is, you don't have to be thin and young to look good, IMO.