Slaps self in jest: I'm useless, I am rubbish and I have no backbone..blah, blah.

Sigh.

I wish I could REALLY berate myself and that when I did, it would have some meaning and an effect on my behaviour from there on in. I really am too Irish at times. (My parents were Irish and very laid-back, easy-going, optimistic folks.) I am able to say "Oh well, tomorrow is another day" I should have been Scarlett O'Hara.

I have had another "to hell with it" episode, and yes, it happened on Saturday night, in a restaurant. All my resolve ran out the door like an Olympic sprinter when faced with yummy things to eat. Come back resolve! We took my man's family to an upmarket 'fusion' place in town. It served 'Pan Asian' foods - so there were Thai, Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Malaysian dishes on the menu. All the foods were freshly cooked and placed in huge bowls on a massive circular bar in the middle of the restaurant. It was a 'help-yourself' fixed price menu. Entrees consisted of crab, prawns, chicken, etc etc ..all deep fried, many in batter...many skewered on sticks and all looking SO appetising.

Now, given I have been here before with girlfriends I KNOW that it is possible to eat healthily and sensibly. I KNOW scallops are available, from the griddle, as is salmon, squid, lean pork skewers, chicken pieces, plainly grilled...and cod in parcels, cooked in lemon juice and spices. I know there are many vegetable dishes to choose from, a salad bar and a stir-fry area, where I could pick and choose from light alternatives.There is a dessert area too...cakes galore, fancy little mousses, a chocolate fountain, fudge, marshmallows, meringues, whipped cream....as well as jelly cubes and fresh fruit, deliciously prepared and sliced. I love melon, grapes, oranges and pineapple served ready to eat...So why then did I dip things in chocolate? Why did I have a slice of banoffee pie?

Because it was there.

This was an adult version of Santa's grotto. Who is going to face all the delights and wonders in there and come out with a jigsaw puzzle when you can choose the latest electric gizmo, or something flashy and new-fangled?

Sigh. Does one need a halo when embarking on this journey?

All is not lost. That was one bad eating experience when I CHOSE not to exercise control. I CHOSE to eat the lovely stuff when the plainer, less calorific (and just as tasty) foods were available to me.

One blow-out. I ate well otherwise, all day. This morning I've eaten fruit, yogurt and not a lot else, only because I am home alone and can't be bothered to cook for myself.  I have also opened the gym equipment I bought with the vouchers my sisters gave me for my birthday. I have a body swivel board and a mobile rowing gadget...both with strong elasticated (pink!) ropes attached. I have laughed as I have tried them out and I've done half an hour cycling whilst watching TV.

I have also invited my man and his relatives round in the morning for coffee. This means I'll  a) have to tidy the house and load the dishwasher...and b) I'll  have to make an effort this evening. I have created a goal for myself. I could easily idle the day away otherwise, self-indulgently in books, TV and the PC. It's a bank holiday tomorrow so the shops will be shut. We'll have to mooch around, so have decided to visit a park and then go for a late pub lunch. I warned my man as we made these arrangements that there would be no cakes or biscuits to go with the coffee. I felt a bit of a useless hostess. What sort of woman am I if I can't offer my visitors something nice to go with my best china and lovely fresh coffee? (The best china comes out rarely, but really, what is the point in having it if you don't use it? I deserve pretty and delicate cups and saucers and beautiful plates! I keep nothing 'for best' any more.)

Sandwiches and cake would (in my Mum's house) always accompany tea (we didn't drink coffee) if we had visitors. I don't even have any shop-bought biscuits! How mean, how unsociable! I am just not buying them any more because I'd eat them if they were in the house. For one moment I had the wild idea that I'd bake a cake later, just so I could serve my visitors something with their coffee.

I am smiling here. I am not really a grumpy person at all. I am easy-going and soft-hearted - but don't tell anyone and blow my cover. I am quite laid-back and sometimes I WISH I could get angry with myself for doing stupid things like I did at the restaurant last night. I need guilt, remorse and lots of self-flagellation but I can't WHIP up any! Bad joke, I know :)

I am back on track. I'll be good today, and tomorrow. I have the pub lunch trial tomorrow. Gawd. What will I eat?

I wish I had a steely resolve to do this. I know I am the loser if I keep giving in to food temptation - but - part of me thinks we are a long time dead and that life should be a pleasure trip for as long as possible, given it is strewn with miserable times too. I KNOW ill-health isn't fun, I know that, I take lots of pills every day for my chronic complaints, but I am useless at denying myself things I shouldn't have. There is no way I could become a nun....Even the title of this piece is a joke. Like me?

Strangely, Vince Lombardis words make sense...

“Football is like life - it requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication and respect for authority.”

WHY do I just know me and Vince wouldn't get along? :)

I am sure he is a fantastic motivator, but look at those words. SACRIFICE, HARD WORK, SELF DENIAL, PERSEVERANCE.  Phew! To a certain extent I'd say you have to put something in to a project to get anything out of it, but to live like that - every single day? No thanks. The foot has to come off the pedal occasionally unless we are set on a course of self-destruction via stress and the inability to relax and go with the flow. Yeah, clogged arteries provide another way to self-destruction, I know that. The dichotomy between fun, self-indulgence and being wonderfully self-disciplined is one I struggle with.

I am learning however that I mustn't associate food with pleasure, treats, fun and self-love. Oh, by the way, I was typing out 'hard-work' (above) and a typo caused me to write "hard wok." Given my Chinese food disaster, that made me smile.