Plato is my new best friend.

To conquer oneself is the best and noblest victory; to be vanquished by one's own nature is the worst and most ignoble defeat.  ~ Plato

Those ancient Greeks knew a bit, didn't they? I think Plato might be talking about me. I am constantly fighting my own sensible side and yes, seeing defeat and almost preparing for defeat rather than victory as far as creating a slimmer, healthier body is concerned. I seem unable to conquer my base instincts - the ones which encourage me to be hedonistic, lazy, whiny, troubled, greedy and able to make a mountain out of the smallest mole-hill.

We are strange creatures, aren't we? We became fat because of what - an inclination to sit more than move, to eat more than was good for us, and because we became greedy and relied on 'instant' gratification in the form of fast foods, biscuits, sweets, cakes...anything which could be eaten without much preparation and thought? OK, so we can say we were driven to behave in that way by internal troubles, past life events, low self-esteem, which grew and grew as our waistlines expanded. No one really wants to eat themselves so big that their arse has it's own post code. No one WANTS to be that big. We allowed ourselves a pity-party for years...we gorged on fat, we ate as though there was no tomorrow and bemoaned our lack of discipline and getting a handle on our weight issues. The less control we had, the more we despaired, and our self-love diminished. Fat people have hang-ups. People stare at us, people comment. We are embarrassed by the problems our fatness causes us, we shy away from the public gaze or we laugh lots and pretend everything is just fine....

What I want to know is - why on earth do we continue with the destructive behaviour which makes us lardy and unattractive? If anyone tries the 'Oh you are so beautiful just as you are. You are more than a number on the scales. Be big, be proud and accept yourself today.." I think I'll scream.

I don't want people giving me faux boosts. I'd much rather someone said "Hey - you have gained a LOT of weight. It's not good for you. What's this excess baggage doing to your poor old heart? Come on - you need to move more. You know you do. Let's go for a walk. Put your shoes on. And hey...throw out that cake and those biscuits. Get a grip woman! A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. You can do this. You are fat but you don't have to remain fat FFS!"

That works much better for me.

Sadly people don't lecture me much about my weight. Only one, just one Doctor has reminded me my weight needs to drop for the sake of my health. I am also aware that fat people everywhere know they are unhealthy, lardy and unattractive. We don't need reminding - but we DO need to fight our base instincts and the comfort zone which is really a comfort trap. Accepting my fatness and living with it is a cop out. It doesn't look good, it doesn't feel good and my skeleton shouldn't be the coat-hanger for all this blubber. It brings me down. It affects every thing I do.

"To be vanquished by one's own nature is the worst and most ignoble defeat." Well said Plato. That is SO true. Every day I allow my slobby nature to take the comfortable way, the easy way, the way that involves the least amount of effort. My mind grumbles that it's not fair that I have to lose weight. Imagine a child screaming and stamping it's feet. "It's not fair!"

It IS fair though. It IS fair to have a good healthy evening meal. It IS fair on my body to move it more. It IS fair to weigh myself and to resolve to start taking small steps to reduce my weight. It IS fair to imagine I can be more than a blubbery middle aged woman. It IS fair to aim high and selfishly, for my own good.

Perhaps I don't like focusing on ME and this task so much, but to push THIS big, fat worry to the back of my mind and to continue doing as I am IS indeed an ignoble and shameful defeat.

Self-defeated? Are we? We don't have to be. Get up and put your shoes on fatso! We're out of here.

(Hell's teeth! THAT was a bit positive, wasn't it? )