Friday, 23 April 2010

Making an Effort.

Well, the sun is shining, the birds are singing - and I am indoors, tapping away on my keyboard. Not good.

NOW is the time I should be out there, doing things and moving this body of mine.

My garden needs looks good because it's full of perennial plants and many are blooming now, and lots of different shades of green are sprouting as the many shrubs are in bud...their leaves just beginning to uncurl. However, over the years (and mainly because of my illnesses) I have become inactive. I did the garden in little short bursts when I was able, but parts were neglected. I enlisted the help of my sons to mow the lawns but the proper maintenance wasn't done, so although it remained a peaceful haven, I'd look at things and wish I had the strength to do them.

When things you normally do remain undone and when your standards slide, many aspects of life suffer. My own personal standards declined along with my garden. A grey fug set in ; a daily 'life is an effort' grumpiness took hold, and with it a lack of self-love, which determined what I'd do with my days, which was very little. An 'I can't be bothered' attitude is a damaging one. I know, because as a  result of enforced inactivity and one health problem following another for much of the last decade, I developed a "So what? I don't care" attitude. I grew fatter, not because of bingeing as such, more because I really didn't plan what I ate and I settled down to 'recovering'. My days lacked effort and movement. I couldn't be bothered to cook (sometimes I was unable to physically stand at the cooker - nor could I lift heavy pots and pans or bend down to the oven to take trays and dishes in and out.)

Not only that, I became ill just when I'd planned a glorious retirement - an early retirement which I felt I deserved, which I had worked for all my life. I knew we'd have very little money, but more than money I wanted time in my fifties and a life with less stress in it. This was going to be MY time after a bad marriage, working and raising the kids alone and money worries because we'd always lived on such a tight budget - and it was blighted. Not fair! I imagined I'd been cursed. I felt that this was unjust, as life had been really hard anyway. Yes - a "Why me?" mentality set in along with illness.

So, illness, inactivity, shortage of money and the inability to move dragged me down and my body and mind deteriorated. I know I am a fighter though but I did feel the fates had conspired against me and it took me a while to bounce back from this latest setback. I believe adversity makes us stronger and often brings out the best in us, but we don't always realise it until we look back.  I play Christina Aguilera's 'Fighter' every now and then.
"So I wanna say thank you
(to past partner who caused pain - or indeed to any one or any event which felled us.)
Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter "

Even though I was laid low I didn't want to remain that way. It's no way to live. At the back of my mind I was The Terminater. I could hear Arnie growling "I'll be back" and I think I am. I am ready to fight again. What choice do we have really? We can sit and wallow or we can make the best of our lives, no matter what our circumstances. That sort of positive thinking is good for me. (I am so glad I was born to my Mum. She was always so positive despite having a really awful start in life and a life which was difficult right up until the day she died. She was such a fighter but such a gentle, lovely, wise woman too.) I have been struggling to commit to dieting because I see it as yet another struggle I guess. However, this is a struggle for me, and it's about self-love.

So, that's enough for now. That sun  is still shining. This is a day made for pottering in the garden. I made myself a hummus sandwich for breakfast after I came home from dropping son off at work. I enjoyed yesterday's sandwich so shunned the cereal and milk this morning. I need to think about what I'll have for lunch...(I deserve something nutritious. I am worth

Blimey, it's almost lunchtime now. I need more tea, then I'll get cracking. I found Rudyard Kipling had aptly summed up my predicament today. I'd like to go and sit in the garden, but that won't shift my rolls of fat or give me a work-out. I've looked at my garden for too long lately, but made no effort to get it looking it's beautiful best. Action is what's needed - in the garden and on myself.

So, here's what Rudyard had to say about making an effort.

Our England is a garden, and such gardens are not made
By singing: -- "Oh, how beautiful!" and sitting in the shade.
So true. Hope the sun is shining where ever you are. Have a good day.

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