Wednesday, 7 April 2010

The Seeds of Change...

I know you are just dying to know if I pigged-out for my birthday lunch yesterday, aren't you? :)

Who am I kidding. Writing a blog is strange. It's like a diary that anyone can see, yet you have no idea if anyone is viewing your reports or not. However, even if I am writing to myself and no one else reads my stuff, doing this HAS already made me a little more aware of what I am doing with my life, my days, my body.

That has to be good. So, if no one is out there it doesn't matter...I shall continue to record my days and dieting efforts (or lack of them!) here. It sets me up for the day ahead.

Yesterday? You know, my birthday and the possible beginning of a new attitude for the year ahead..yet another 'New Beginning'? Well, I think fate stepped in. My Easter weekend away tired me out but I didn't sleep well at all on my last night down in Dorset. I just couldn't drop off and spent the night looking at the ceiling, thinking. (Not nice...very annoying, but sleep just wouldn't come.I drifted off eventually, but dawn had broken by then.) I woke up feeling groggy but had to get up early and busy myself with packing etc. I got through the day and went to bed at a reasonable time when I got home. However, on Tuesday morning I had to be up at sparrow's fart to drive my son to work. (I wouldn't ferry him about normally as he is 22 after all, but he works in a business park situated - beautifully - in the countryside, in the middle of nowhere. The bus service out there is almost non-existent.) So, I dragged myself out of bed, (on the morning of my birthday - not fair!), splashed my face with water, washed my hands, threw on some clothes..drank a gallon of tea to wake me up - he had to make it, that's the deal - ironed him a shirt, packed him a lunch and got on the road. Gah. I hate rush-hour traffic. I got home later, had a small bowl of bran flakes (with more tea of course!) and opened a few birthday cards then got ready for my day out with himself...the man.

I was yawning...but thought the fresh air would do me good. We drove out to the Cotswold Hills, not far from where I live and visited a country manor house. Both man and myself love gardening and strolling about the grounds of big houses. It was a National Trust property.

I am not sure if all the food on my weekend away upset my digestive system but I kept getting tummy ache. I never get pains in my stomach..but I did yesterday. I felt very out of sorts. I just wanted to sleep! So, I didn't feel 100% but put on a brave face and 'enjoyed' myself, given my man had planned a nice day out for me. We looked at the various parts of the garden, which stretched for miles. The sun shone and we had a pleasant stroll. At about 2.30pm we decided it was time for lunch so we headed off to the formal restaurant...a conservatory extension to the old manor house. It was lovely...white linen tablecloths, fresh flowers on the table and silver cutlery. Very grand. However - and this is where fate stepped in - we were just a few minutes too late for lunch. We would have had a three-course lunch..starter, big main meal and a pudding no doubt, and given it was my birthday man would have ordered wine for me. Would I have gone along with it because he had planned a good day for me..or would I have picked at my food and wasted most of it? The latter I suspect. The kitchens closed at 2.30pm.

So we decided we'd eat at the cafe in the open cobbled courtyard with shade provided under a thatched shelter. It was very pretty. I didn't feel very hungry at all and was secretly pleased the restaurant was closed! I decided I'd have a bowl of home-made soup and a slice of crusty bread. Man had the same...except there was only one bowl of broccoli and Stilton soup left. I am not fond of blue cheese, so man had that and I had a tomato and lentil soup. It was thick and sludgy, obviously full of fresh tomatoes, and it tasted wonderful. I had water with it..that's all I fancied. The little pats of butter which came with the bread were rock-hard, so I gave up trying to butter my bread. Man asked if I wanted a sandwich or a cake to follow, with tea, but given my tummy was playing up, I didn't really feel like eating at all.

That was it...I'd eaten well without even thinking about it.

Could it be that fate had conspired to create circumstances in which my birthday WOULD be a starting point for a new life..or at least a new way of eating?

Of course not!!!

I just had a gippy tummy from an excess of food and drink over the weekend. I was so tired that even eating was a huge event. When I got home later that day I had more cards to open and some presents to unwrap whilst my sons watched. They noticed I was yawning and remarked that I looked pale. Daughter was going to pop in with her card and present but when she phoned I told her I was knackered and I would like to have an early night. She understood and will come over tonight instead. I was feeling peckish by then, so explored the fridge. I fancied a snack. What was in there? A box of fresh cream chocolate eclairs...a treat for my birthday, brought home by son. They were very slim one went down in a second and I had to have another....

See. That's where I should have shunned the cakes. I didn't. OK, so I I'd not had very many calories at all during the day...and even with the eclairs I was under 1500...BUT..why didn't I nibble on an oat cake spread with low-fat cream cheese? Why didn't I choose something with nutritional value? I had oat cakes and very low fat cream cheese in the house.

There is a destructive part of me that needs taming.

Anyway...I failed the 'eat well all day' test yesterday, but I do have a house full of BIG chocolate eggs left over from Easter and don't have the slightest inclination to open them. Yay me! I am not a choc-o-holic, which is a good thing. If I am in the mood though, I'll crave chocolate. I am not in the mood often. I find chocolate a bit too sweet and rich, and that's a hangover from the days when I suffered three-day migraines. Chocolate was a trigger food, most definitely, so I weaned myself off it long ago. I must PLAN what I eat...and I must walk somewhere. This could be Day Two Of New Me.

Will I find the desire/motivation to be good to myself?  Will the New Life begin? Don't miss the next thrilling instalment tomorrow folks! ;-)

So...the wise words today are....

'The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.'

~James Oppenheim

'Tis true. We have to make our own happiness quite often. We are where we are, and we must make the best of our circumstances whatever number we see on the scales.  Thinks: 'What will make me happy right now? Wonder if there are any more cream cakes in the fridge?' didn't think that. I thought about eating a healthy lunch. Honestly.

Wishing you a happy day, whatever you are doing.

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