Yesterday I ate well until about 10pm. I hadn't moved very much at all - three short sessions on the exercise bike was my sum total of 'real' movement, but I'd made sensible food choices. No calorie counting done, but the backs of food packaging were checked so I had a vague idea of how many calories I was eating. I ate lots of veg and lean chicken. I was satisfied that I was on my way, slowly working myself into a pattern of healthy eating and self-love.
I lost the plot completely at 10pm and it seemed almost like I ate to spite myself.
I crammed sweet goodies down - ice cream and chocolate, late at night - and ranted that I just didn't care! I am not even that partial to ice cream and chocolate, so why did they tempt me beyond endurance last night? I don't know what that was about. It was rebellion of a hateful, self-sabotaging sort. It was as though some sort of demon inside me (and I don't favour all that possession nonsense) just took over and decided I would not be bound by restrictions.
Today I feel deflated ( I wish I were..) and sad. I feel destined to be an out-of-control fat lump, and I want to cry. I don't like myself much.
OK, so today is another day, a fresh start, a clean slate, but how many bloody fresh starts do I need? Why am I clinging to this fat version of me? I feel hopeless. I shall spend the next half-hour reading inspiring stuff online - reading about successes, reading about the power of determination. You don't have to look far to find it.
I will not even think about food. I am having a day off from my head, which seems hell-bent on f*cking me up.
I don't want food to become an issue and I don't want to nurture eating disorders - so is blog-writing counter-productive I ask myself, in that I am thinking about me, my relationship with food, my fat shape and my failure and my uselessness constantly? This focuses on my efforts, but if my efforts are pathetic, am I doing myself more harm than good?
Hope you are doing better than I am. That wouldn't be hard to do.
Today you get a bit of the late Jim Rohn. It 'spoke' to me a couple of years back, and I saved it, but it's a fitting reminder for me today. It isn't about healthy eating particularly, but it is about self-discipline, restraint, doing the right thing etc. Being fat and allowing yourself to remain fat is a form of self-neglect which affects all we do. Overweight people are aware of that. I am sticking it in here as a sort of reflection which might inspire big people like me, or at least help us to stop the rot. Today could be the day we do it?
No wise cracks from me either. Jim made sense.
"Neglect is like an infection. Left unchecked it will spread throughout our entire system of disciplines and eventually lead to a complete breakdown of a potentially joy-filled and prosperous human life.
Not doing the things we know we should do causes us to feel guilty and guilt leads to an erosion of self-confidence.
As our self-confidence diminishes, so does the level of our activity"